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Problems with mother in law during pregnancy!!!! FUN FUN!!!
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Problems with mother in law during pregnancy!!!! FUN FUN!!!

Here is my dilema!!!! And this is a good one! This is going to be my mother in laws first grand child and she seems to think that her opinion matters to me and it REALLY DOESN'T!!!! She is very overbearing and really just a *****! She seems to think she should be in on the delivery and is insisting that she be there.... SURPRISE, she isn't!!!!!! We've explained to her that her child isn't the one giving birth and she has no right to be in there if I don't want her to be. I've already discussed with the doctor about going into the hospital under a different name and believe it or not it is done all the time. How do you deal with this????? Anyone else been in this situation???? All answers appreciated!!!!
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130384_tn?1221596627
Absolutely no one will be in the delivery room that you don't want to be.  The nurses are excellent about keeping people out - they do it every single day and don't care if they offend ol' MIL or not.  You have nothing to worry about in that respect.

Does she live close to you?
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Avatar_n_tn
Yes she lives in the same city!!!! That's why I am going to have to go in the hospital under another name. I haven't even told her when I'm due because she is the type to make a scene. I just can't seem to make her understand that I don't want here there and she has no right!!!!My other half completely agrees with me and says no one will be there that I don't wish to be there.
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130384_tn?1221596627
You don't have to go under an assumed name, if you don't want.  They just won't let her in the room.  She can't just trapse around a L&D floor and just come in the room, unless you say the nurses can let her in.

Tell her she is welcome to wait in the waiting room, but that you're not having anyone in the room during delivery.  End of story.

Now.......after you get home is a different matter.  Have you considered getting a large Doberman?  lol?
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Avatar_n_tn
To make matters even worse this is my first child and I'm scared to death of the whole delivery process anyway. Am thinking about a scheduled c- section. Don't want to go through labor and delivery, don't think I can do it. I've felt this way since I was 15 and I'm now 37!!!
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155461_tn?1207868371
well if you have a c-section she can't be in the room! Some places don't even let the father in the room! They are real paticular about people in the room during a c-section because it is considered a surgery!
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150483_tn?1212172156
Can you have a c-section b7y choice?I had both mine vaginally.First at age 18,& 2nd at 21.All I have to say is EPIDURAL.My two cousins had emergency c-section & they were in so much pain.The surgery,not being able to carry baby.Going to the rest room.She was always on meds,for the pain.I hurt during labor & maybe sore 2 days after but c-secion?I dont know just bc your scared many women WISH they had deliverd vaginally.But to all its own..good luck..nanis
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Avatar_n_tn
I know MIL's can be well *******.. But look at it like this, atleast you have a mother n law. I never knew mine, My hubbys mom died whne he was 12 yrs old..I do however have a step mother n law. But she stays outta our lives pretty well.
But yes I had 1 baby vaginally and i wanted everyone to be there, but my Dr (who is a woman) wouldnt let my Dad stay with me.. lol she said "I know if it was me i wouldnt want my dad here!" lol They asked me soon as it was time to push who i wanted in there.. gl
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155531_tn?1189759424
lol, this reminds me of my older sister and father.
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Avatar_n_tn
Some doctors will do a c-section by choice my doctor happens to be one of them!!!!He says "you" are the one giving birth not him so it is your choice. I am a very tiny person and have worked out all through pregnancy and also worked out before becoming pregnant so actually I think he thinks I won't be able to do it vaginally anyway. Just put it this way I don't have very long to go and I still wear my size 2 jeans and everything seems to be fine according to the doctor. I eat chicken, vegatables and fruit!!!!
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Avatar_n_tn
The down fall to a section is your baby doesn't go thru the birthcanal so it has more of a chance of getting what is called wetlung which can lead to a longer hospital stay due to babys lungs having fluid in them.
I know theres really no great way of getting our babys here :) Both r OUCHY LOL but thought I'd mention the wetlung. But now there heads r perfectly round instead od cone shaped!! :)
But either way you'll do fine & it probably won''t be near as bad as u r thinking. I know I was terrified of cb, but had a great exp. Nothing scary!!!!!
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Avatar_n_tn
Everyone is right. The nurses will NOT let anyone in who you don't want in the room. I promise. I had only a few ppl I wanted in with my son and didn't want my x's mom in there and she pitched a fit but they didn't let her in.

As far as comparing you labor and delivery to everyone else. They are all different. I had a vaginal birth with my son and had an epidural. I felt no pain, just "preassure" when the head and shoulders came out. The only pain was healing from where I had stitches (they had to cute me a little bit). I can't imagine being cut all the way across my belly by choice, but that's just it - YOU ACTUALLY DO HAVE A CHOICE! YES you can schedule a C-section (at least where I had my son they asked me if I wanted to or not).

I enjoyed my labor and delivery of my boy. I wouldn't trade  those memories for anything. Do what YOU wanna do, but don't let people's horror stories scare you. Seems like when your prego everyone has some scary stories to tell you from miscarriage - to a hell birth. lol Talk to your doctor. They told me to pay no mind to all the horror stories with my son and remember they get distorted and the truth gets stretched.

Good luck with everything and I'll keep you in my prayers!
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Avatar_n_tn
Have you thought about just not calling and telling her when you go into labor.  OR telling her when the scheduled c-section is.

I would just have hubby call after the fact.
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164559_tn?1233711618
I would seriously consider trying to labour and deliver.  Your body is a beautiful thing, designed to bring life into the world.  A c-section is major abdominal surgery and carries all the risks, they are life saving in many cases.  But I would give yourself the chance to do it the natural way.  I guarantee you they will not let you or your baby be in any danger.

Epidurals are wonderful....

You should definitely say who is in the labour and delivery room with you.  And it should be folks you REALLY like as it is a stressful time for you.

I had my husband and our doula (who's also my best friend) in the room and a huge family contingent down the hall in a family room.  My mom popped in early on in my labor, said hello and then went to the family room.  Once DS was born, they let everyone come in for a few moments then booted them out when it was obvious I wanted peace.

The nurses will take very good care of you.

Let us know what happens as we are your very nosey on-line buddies.
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Avatar_f_tn
Just explain to your MIL that this is a very personal thing you will be going through and her being in there will make you very uncomfortable and that you won't be able to concentrate as well with her in the room. It's a proven fact that if the mother is upset, uncomfortable (other than labor pains :)) then the labor could actualy stall. Tell her that you appreciate the support she is willing to give but in order to have the best labor and delivery possible you just won't feel comfortable and in this situation you need to do what is best for you...not her. But then tell her that she is more than welcomed to come in and see and hold the baby after he/she is born.  Also ask your husband to be there when you explain things to her. You may not need to go as drastic as checking in with another name. If she gets upset with you tell her tht you have made your decission and you will not be changing your mind. If she continues, just tell her no and that you feel she is being insensitive of your feelings and is upsetting you and this birth isn't about her...it's about you and your husband. If she still complains then just tell her that the conversation is closed and you will not be discussing it with her anymore. And just ignor her from then on about this topic or walk away if you need to.
But do be sure to tell her that you appreciate that she is willing to be there to support you, but in this case what you need is it to be just you and your husband. If all else fails, tell the nurse when you first get there that you don't want her in there and the nurse will take care of it, and possibly your dr. if you like.
If you don't call her and tell you when you are in labor she may feel that you don't want her involved in anyway and that could end up hurting her, and that may cause more problems in the long run. I'm not saying for her to be in the room with you, and this day should be about you, but she is a part of the family.So in my opinion I wouldn't exclude her completly. If you call her and have her wait in the waiting room then she may feel that she is sill somewhat involved, and let her know that your husband will come out and keep her updated with everything and she is welcome to come in after the baby has arived. Or if you feel comfortable then maybe have her come in for a few min just while you are in labor so she can wish you well or whatever, and have her leave when you start pushing or when the labor gets to be too intense. It's really up to you.
I hope it turns out for you. Just don't give in just to make her happy. This is your day and you are the one that will be doing all the work and you need things to be the way you need them to have the best labor and delivery as possible.
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Avatar_n_tn
My 1st baby was feet first and c-sectioned, I wanted a vaginal delievery more than anything but the poophead wouldnt turn around. My 2nd I had vaginally I was torn and cut and had hemmorhoids so bad that by the 3rd I wanted another section, good thang cuz he was feet first too.But i do think everyone should have the experience of a vaginal delivery. It was beautiful and wonderful and i wouldnt change it for the world. But man when that epi wore off i was hurtin.
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Avatar_n_tn
It almost sounds like your husband may be an only child, if she is so preoccupied with this.  You need to set very defined boundaries for her and let her know what they are.  I'm sure that if she was in this same position when she had her son she would not have appreciated being imposed on like she is to you.  Let her know what her role during the pregnancy and delivery will be.
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Avatar_f_tn
Just do what my friend did. When her MIL kept pestering her and making her feel guilty about not wanting her in the room, she flat out told her (in front of everybody), "I'M ALREADY GOING TO BE FEELING ODD AS IT IS WITH MY LEGS SPREAD OPEN FOR ALL THE NURSES AND DOCTORS TO SEE! I DON'T NEED MY MIL STARING AT MY CROTCH AS WELL!!!!" It embarassed her so much she never mentioned it again! ha ha!
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143952_tn?1237868141
it sounds like you not only have to worry about setting boundaries for her role during your delivery, but afterwards as well.  if she lives nearby, you may have a chronic "pop-in" problem as well.  i'm sure you don't want to completely exclude her, but those boundaries sure need setting.  good luck :)
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Avatar_n_tn
I had the exact same thing happen to me. My MIL to this day just thinks I am a shameful and bashful person. Unfortunatley we aren't the best of friends. You don't have to use an alias name though, just request that she stay out. My MIL had a laproscopy scheduled the day before. My son was late, thank goodness, so I didn't have to worry about her coming in. She came the next day and everything was fine. It was a joyess occasion. I am sorry that she won't respect your wishes.

I had a hard time giving birth to my son. I was induced and my labor was 30 hours. I delivered him vaginally in 45 minutes whch I was happy about. I would deffinaltley advise to get the epidural. I am sure that it is way tougher to have the child vaginally, but it is worth it, because you get to go home sometimes as soon as the very next day and you heal so much fatser. You can really enjoy bonding time with your baby this way. They both have thier pros and cons, but I am 7.5 month pregnant with my second and I am scared to death, but very excited and hoping to have a vag birth again.
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Avatar_n_tn
I told my MIL that she had raised hers and look at how he turned out! It's taken me 12 years to fix'em!!! Just start out being firm with her. If she get's mad and does the crying thing,........ IGNORE IT!! She'll get over it. lol
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Avatar_f_tn
speaking of MIL's, I wuz wondering how you made out with yours......
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Avatar_m_tn
I think your problem is your husband more than your mother in law. He is the one that needs to draw the boundaries CLEARLY for his Mother. You are preg. and do not need this kind of stress and aggravation, plus she is the Grandma, so he has to set the rules here for what will and will not work. He should let her know that the birth will be on your terms period and have her honor HIS wishes. You say something and she will try to roll right over you I think. You are in a tough spot due to your husband not making sure his overbearing Mother does not try to continue her overbearing behavior now that he is married and having his own family.


You are in sort of a powerless position where if you DO air your opinions you are then the "bad guy" for not wanting her there and dictating to YOU. If its bad now, she will get MUCH worse after the baby comes trying to control things. You do want to keep peace and have your baby see his Grandma? Then your husband has to do the work to make that happen and also at the same time protect you from her overbearing behavior that I am sure he is well aware of.
He needs to act now, before the child is here if possible. It will probably cause her to freak out, but she can either accept his "laws" of his life and household or she can butt out all together and my guess is she will tone it down and behave because she so much wants to be a part of her grand kids lives.
Hang in there. Talk to your hubby.
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Avatar_n_tn
sounds like your hubby needs to put her in her place. im not saying he has to disrespect her, but let her know it is your child and you are the parents and she can wait in the waiting room! some people are so pushy with this i dont get it.
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Avatar_n_tn
Hey Florida Girl! I'm also in Florida... Anyways.. I DID NOT have this problem. My MIL decided the first time I met her, that I was taking her baby away from her and has hated me ever since. She was at our Wedding and making bets on how long it would last. LOL We showed her.. 19 years and still going strong. HAHAHA. She thought if she was patient, that I would just go away. She was NEVER around when I was having her grandchildren for one excuse or another. She managed to be there for her daughters but didn't even visit in the hospital after I had them or come to our home more than 5 times in 19 years. She doesn't know when their Birthdays are or even how to spell their names correctly. My children have suffered because of her selfish stubborn hatred of me. My husband calls her and tries to keep her in touch but if left to her, she does nothing. I honestly believe that she is just still waiting for him to come back to her. He is her only son with three daughters and is divorced. My mom was a terrific gramma until she died in 97 with my youngest being only a year old and never really got to know her. They all wish that they had a real grandma that acted like the t.v. grandma's act.
It just seems that MIL are one extreme or the other, I personally prefer my circumstances to yours. But I hope she ends up being there for your children in a healthy copacity. Having teenagers and the idea of being a grandmother in the coming years, I am trying to learn how NOT to act as a future MIL myself. I have 3 daughters and 2 sons and I KNOW that things will be so different with my sons. I will have to tread lightly and try not to step on any toes as I will most likely be invited to be more involved with my daughter's giving birth than my daughters-in law. It will be VERY hard but it's not about me. I wish your MIL could figure out that little tid bit. It's NOT about HER!!
Good luck!
--J
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