RELATIONSHIPS AND TRUST

[pinksugar]

Hello ladies i have question, I am completely goign crazy my mind goes 90 to nothing when it come to this. My father cheater on my mother and so did my uncle cheat on his wife so all my life i have been surrounded by un trusting men. Well the man in my life is competley sweet to me, he has never intentionally hurt and he ahs changed alot for me. We were friend before so I know his past prior to me and him becoming a couple. We just recently moved in together and I went over and met his family and he met mine. So the love is there and he has told me will never leave me, Yet my insecurities about men still haunt me. I dont want to judge him or see him as I do all men cause he gives me no reason to. He is nothing but good to me but i still cant just let go. Can someone please help me?!? It driving me crazy. Why cant I just love him and think of all the good we have, why must i jump to conclusion and feel as he is going to leave me when he tells he is not. I hope i am not sounding crazy I have just never been eye to eye with men. I feel like I want to spend the rest of my life with him, I want to have a family and all that good stuff, but every once in a while all theses though come to my head. I am psyc major and I still cant figure myself out!
I dont want to mess this up someone please give me advise.
Hope to hear from you soon...

[blondie72]

I don't really know what to say other than I know how you feel a little.  I have NOT been surrounded by cheaters but I think I have been cheated on in the past by an ex-boyfriend.  My DH, I have been with for almost 8 yrs now I still have trust issues and he has NEVER given me ANY reason to doubt him but I do.  I wonder when he is home later what he is doing (he is a band director and a director of music at our church) so he is VERY busy and I know that but in the back of my mind I wonder sometimes.  It is going to be very hard for you to trust anyone, given your situation but you are just going to have to give him the benefit of the doubt and try.  A while back someone at work told me "Don't put all your eggs in one basket.  That way IF you drop your basket you will the other to fall back on".  I thought that was the greatest advice and I have followed that advice for a long time.  I wish you luck and don't let this control you or the relationship probably won't work.  Take Care.   (((((((HUGS)))))

[babyes]

ooooh man that is how I am with my husband I have been with him for 5 years just got married. Till this day I feel like you do, he has never gave me reason to think of him in that way but there is something in men that just can't trust men! He tells me all the time that he'll never leave me and he loves me.
When ever he comes home late from work I start to think of the worst things! But let me tell you the more you see him that way the more of a reason for them to do something dumb. I know it's very hard not to think that way but you have to because your just going to make it hard for you guys to live a good life together. Believe in him when he tells you that he loves and don't hold it against him for what other people did because then you will lose something good. I am very lucky to have a man who deals with my jealousy, and trust me it's bad, but deep down inside I know that he loves me and I should trust him until given reason not to. Talk to people that's what I did I talk to my sister and my mom about how I am, and they tell that I really need to get over it because he's been with me this long and put up with my crazy ways then he must really love me. So the best thing for you to do is believe him and let go of what other people did he's not them or is not related to them. So be happy. Good luck.

[ateague]

Tough one, but love is built on trust, and if you can't completely trust your husband, then your foundation is unstable and so your marriage will be also.  This is just something you're going to have to work on.  I've seen it too many times, where the wife is distrusting of the husband when he hasn't done anything wrong, and eventually pushes him astray.  I know you're probably not accusing him of anything, but in the back of your mind, you've planted a little seed of distrust that will eventually grow big enough to threaten your relationship with him.  If you already think he could be doing something wrong, what's to stop him from doing it in the future.  He's already lost the battle, why not give in to temptation.  I would highly recommend seeing a therapist about your past family history.  It is obvious that it is what's causing it.  Do you see similarities between your father, uncle, and husband?  I wish I could be more helpful, but it sounds like this is a problem of which needs professional help.  I hope everything works out for you and your husband.

[_not_ready_]

The fact that you have been exposed to cheating men indirectly in your life coul actually work to your advantage, but it can also hurt your relationship if you let it get the best of you. In one way you can use it to not be naive and gullable. It will help you keep an eye open. But you do have to give him the benefit of the doubt. From what you describe, you still have no reason not to trust him, so trust him.

In a way it can hurt your relationship with him if you question or accuse him. It can actually drive you two apart. Have faith in him and your relationship. Not all men are the same, so don`t put him in the same boat and your father and uncle.

You mentioned that you knew him from before you started dating and know his past as well, is there anything in his past that might make you doubt him? Even if there was something many years ago, you yourself said that he has changed. And if there wasn`t anything, then even better for you.

You`ve moved in together, met each other`s families, everything sounds like it is going great. Don`t let this get the best of you. You really do have something great. All the best to you!

[helpme!]

Well I dont know if this helps or not.  My husband didnt trust me and now after 13yrs we are divorcing due to his persistant detective work of trying to prove that I am doing something wrong.  Sad huh?  Well I can say I was a good wife and a faithful one but I just couldnt live under that kind of suspicion around every corner.  So....for me if this is an issue you have then you should resolve it before bringing it into your relationship especially a marriage.  Good luck.

[greenpixie]

Have you considered therapy?  Perhaps you could go into couples counseling.  That way you'll get some help & clarity sorting out your feeling and your bf will have a good understanding of your behavior and how to respond to it.  Contrary to the stigma associated with therapy, it's actually a very loving and responsible thing to do for your relationship.

[monkeyflower]

I'm 100% with greenpixie. I strongly urge you to consider therapy, both for your benefit and for the benefit of your relationships with others. I think it's important to realize and remember that sometimes our own issues completely cloud our reality - so you could perceive someone as untrustworthy, even when it's not based in reality. And you're far ahead of the game, because it sounds like you already recognize that in yourself :-) The worst part is, that kind of jealousy and worry often ends up driving people away (as another poster noted happened in her own relationship). Therapy can make a world of difference for you :-)

[blondie72]

I don't think I agree with therapy.  Why waste the money - Like I said before I don't trust my DH 100% but I trust him enough to stay married and stay happy and not let it ruin me ya know???  I am just being cautious I think so if the day ever does come that he drops the "cheating" bomb on me I won't be too shocked.  Does that make sense.  He swears he has NEVER cheated and will NEVER leave me but you just never know for sure.  I hate to sound negative and put more doubts in pinksugars head I am just VERY cautious and paranoid about EVERYTHING I think LOL!!!!!!!!!!!  Good Luck.  I hope we have all helped in some way.   Take Care.

[greenpixie]

I don't think of therapy as a waste of money if it helps your relationship.  I get what you are saying about never knowing what your man is going to do, but I really do trust my DH 100%.  I would be completely stunned if he ever strayed!  I consider myself to be a bit paranoid too, but for some reason I'm not at all on this issue.

[Learner1]

I use to worry about cheaters & trust issues all the time.. If you really love the person you are wasting your time & theirs accussing & worrying..  If they cheat then they are worth your time.  Cant spend ur whole life stressing about stuff you have no control over.  Good Luck

[pinksugar]

Thank you so much you all have really helped.
I need to stop trying to find a reason to not give in, I guess to see a man who is honest and trusting is hard for me to grasp considering my past. I will consider seing a professional I know alot of it has to do with my passed and I need to let that go.
I really do appriciate all of your advice it has really made me look at us in a different light:)
I feel bad b/c he really does put up wiht my little issue, and he knows when I want to have that whole " Are you leaving me?!" conversation, he doenst get upset he just tells me to stop worrying. He is a great man and I love him. I will keep you posted to let ya know how things are going. I wish all of you the best in your relationships now and in the future.
Thank you again!

[LITTLELADYBUG]

I know exactly what you mean I have been cheated on repeatedly my whole life... obviously there is something wrong with me but anyway with my current boyfriend he is amazing to me never gives me a reason to believe he is cheating yet I still question him everyday. Its almost like I would rather him tell me he is just so I would feel like he is telling me the truth. I don't trust him and I don't know if I ever will. I hate feeling like this and I go to counseling and talk about it. Honestly counseling is probably the only thing that will save this relationship. good luck hope you can relax.

[babyes]

I think what you said is right! Good advise that helps me out too.

[blondie72]

Glad I could help - Boy should I start charging for advice LOL JUST KIDDING   :O)   Take care ladies!!!!!!!!