Relationship hardships, please help!!

Hey guys,

I am near 7 months pregnant. My BF and I have been together for 5.5 years and we have a son together. We get along just great but we have one problem. He is a lazy slob and I am not. I work 8-5 and have a career. I make more money than him. He works at night as a server. He is an aspiring artists and musician, and he really is so tallented, but I am so tired of being the bread winner, and the worry wart, and the housewife to boot. He gives me a fixed dollar amount every month and I do the rest. I pay all of the bills and balance the checkbook. I worry about everything, including kid events, games, laundry, groceries etc., and he works 4-5 hours a night, and makes time for his music and art. My job is very demanding and then I come home exhausted. I feel like I am getting jipped. If he worked the hours I did, we would loose money on daycare, because the most he could bring home would be like 10 bucks an hour. I feel like I am allowing myself to be the victom, but I don't know how to stop it. I really do love him, and he loves me, but I am so tired of being so supportive as I want to be the one who is supported for a change. I don't want to be his mommy anymore!!Any advice ladies??

[socgirl]

This is a tough situation.  I have a twin sister who is in a similar situation...except her BF doesn't work at all!  He is going to culinary school, so he uses that as  a reason for not working...they also have 1 yr. old son to support as well...and times are tough...she works, but it's not exactly a high paying job...but she does work her a** off.  

I think you need to tell him how you feel, if you haven't already.  Being a musciian..as talented as he may be...is a hard living to make.  Particularly since you are about to have another child....he needs to get  ajob that might allow him to contribute a little more to household bills.  I don't really know what else to tell you...you obviously love him...but he needs to have more of an understanding of where you're coming from.  Would he be willing to look for another job?

[socgirl]

This is a tough situation.  I have a twin sister who is in a similar situation...except her BF doesn't work at all!  He is going to culinary school, so he uses that as  a reason for not working...they also have 1 yr. old son to support as well...and times are tough...she works, but it's not exactly a high paying job...but she does work her a** off.  

I think you need to tell him how you feel, if you haven't already.  Being a musciian..as talented as he may be...is a hard living to make.  Particularly since you are about to have another child....he needs to get  ajob that might allow him to contribute a little more to household bills.  I don't really know what else to tell you...you obviously love him...but he needs to have more of an understanding of where you're coming from.  Would he be willing to look for another job?

[leif ericson]

i'm not a woman, but i will say this> a friend of mine went through the same thing, and in the end she did admit that SHE
was responsible for letting it happen. she finally put her foot
down and demanded changes to be made by her husband (she was married with three kids). she thought about it this way, if her
husband really loved her, how could he let her become so unhappy. and if he could not live with the changes (a few sacrifices had to be made) then he did not really love her, and
was using her as a meal ticket. she was prepared to lose him,
thats how discusted with her situation she was. well, he made
the changes (he was being selfish and lazy and he knew it) and
things got better. sacrifice is the key element this guy of yours is missing. maybe he hit his head as a child or something.
but he needs to grow up and make the scarifices.  i'm not even going to ask why he has not married you (cause i know already) so good luck.               l.e.

[jackiemoo]

He says that marriage is unecessary as he doesn't want to bring the law into our personnal affairs. He says that he doesn't believe in marriage. So why do you think he hasn't?

I do admit that it is my fault for allowing this to happen, but in all fairness I am only trying to do what is best for my family. I need his income and his support of watching the kids.

So how do you propose I speak with him. He doesn't respond well to this discussion as he kinda feels like a looser. How can I say this to him without him feeling this way. I want to be supportive of his dreams, I just want to be able to rely on him a little more finacially and emotionally as well too.

[bookerswife]

I don't know if you are religous in any way but it isn't about the LAW! It is a vow you make to each other! Maybe he has a different view and I am sorry ahead of time if this is not your beliefs. I would put my foot down about him being lazy though! Are you content with never being married?

[sparkeler]

Most starving artists are very passionate about what they do and usually will put their potential career first.  You accepted his choice before you had a child, I just don't think you realized exactly what you were getting into.  You can talk to him about taking a second job, but that might not "fit" into his plans.  He decided to have children so he should step up to the plate, but I think he's too comfortable w/what he has.  I mean you take care of him and the family and he gets to pursue his dreams w/out so much of the financial trouble.  You have to decide if you can handle all of this w/out being married.  It might not be a bad idea that you two don't marry.  To each his own.  Good luck!

[wonderme]

I am not a relationship expert, but I certainly believe honesty is the best policy here.

You have (or are about to have) two children together -- that is a big responsibility.  You owe it to your children to provide a loving and stable environment -- you owe it to yourself as well.

I would approach him and gently broach your concerns.  Allow him to voice his as well...and then discuss priorities.

You need to let him know that you support his musical aspirations and are willing to help him by doing (fill in the blank), but that you are feeling like the brunt of all the other responsibilities are falling on you.

Perhaps you could suggest brainstorming some ideas how you can both allow him to pursue his music, but still offer some additional support -- financially and emotionally.

As others have mentioned, it's going to mean sacrifices, but I think by working together and talking it through you may find that you are not so far apart on this and can perhaps come up with some ideas that you are both happy and comfortable with.

Good luck!

[jackiemoo]

I would like to be married. I would feel more secure and loved if he made a comittment to me. I am scared to loose him and my family to loose out. I do not want a spilt family. I have asked him in every way that I can to be there for me more. It works for a while and then we fall back onto our old ways.

Thank you all for your advice. I will talk to him again tonight and see what happens. I just kinda feel like cinderella here. Maybe my boy will soon turn into my prince!!

[LilLadyee]

Well my husband is the bread winner and I am a server at night sometimes that is a scarafice all in its own that has to be made. Daycare is really expensive and if you think its expensive with one try two and one on the way. So I would have daycare for three kids. I do do the brunt of the housework like you,manage the finance however he does pay most of the bills I dont really have to pay any but to live comfortable I work also. I dont work alot of hours but honestly as a server your told one then thing get another as far as a schedule goes. I have been waiting tables for 6 years and I can tell you the managers can promise you something and then turn it on you after your hired. So I can see where he is also doing you a favor for working a different shift. He is having some sort of sacrifice especially if he is working a different shift than you. He is taking time away from you and his family to help out financially. Yes someone has to be the bread winner it will always be that way in a realationship. But just maybe ask him to help out with maybe doing a load of laundry daily and putting the dishes in the dishwasher and maybe taking out the garbage. Then maybe you wont feel so badly about having to do everything on your own. Make a honey do list... I do when I go to work since I try to get it all done before he get home to watch the kids so I expect him to finish what I couldn't get done. Anything is worth a shot. But I have to say a scrafice is being a server if you dont want to pay daycare.. Just an opinion of another server.

[siren of the sea]

he sounds set to be the way he is. marriage or not you are still a family. i understand he is in love with is music and his art, but he chose to have a family as well. sacrifices are always made, they have to be. i dont know what to tell you. why does he give you an allowance? is he better at finances? it shoud be something that you do together. when are you due? im sure the stress isnt good for you right now. you mentioned that being married would make you feel more loved. marriage to me isnt about law. its about the commitment 2 people make to be together and to love one another. i think before you 2 think about marriage you need to focus on getting your needs bet for both of you first. its one of those things where you need to listen and possibly give a little and he needs to do the same. therapists are good because they are for both of you not just one. goodluck

[jackiemoo]

He does not give me an allowance. I make most of the money, I just give him a set amount every month to give me, cause we figured together how much he could spare. He is horrible with finances. I know that he sacrifices by working at night, but I would love to trade places with him and work nights and spend all day with the kids! We did see a therapist and it did help. We just cannot really afford to keep seing her. She told us both that marriage wasn't important as long as we are both commited to eachother. We are and I know that he loves me very much. It would just be nice to profess our love to eachother and promise our commitment to eachother in a ceramony of some sort. Maybe some day, but that is really the least of my concerns right now. I just want the man to get off his lazy butt and help out more consistantly. He takes advantage of my hard working and giving nature. He just needs a kick in the bum:0

Thanska ll for your advice, it raelly helped me a lot!

[mrs canada]

You two really need to work on your communication. The truth is - you have allowed this situation to happen. I say this because I recently went thru the same scenario. For years, I have waited on my husband and step-daughter, who, at the end of the day, love to lounge around on the couch and watch tv. I always felt it was good bonding time. But in the meantime, I grew more and more resentful of both of them for not helping me out. So I lost it. I had a complete meltdown and tore each of them "a new one".

Not effective. The truth is, if you never say anything about a behaviour that bothers you, he is going to think you are ok with things. You aren't. And keeping quiet will make things much worse.

I would suggest you sit him down and let him know how you feel, and admit that you should have said something sooner. Then, take the time to share with him what you feel would be the best case scenario, moving forward. Another point - make sure you focus on how YOU feel, not "you do this or you don't do that".. it has to be positioned like "when you don't help me with the laundry, I feel like I'm the hired help". Or whatever the case may be.

Anyway - I'm prattling now - but learn from my mistake and deal with it before it gets ugly.

[mum2beagain]

Jackie, you really need to talk to your man about how he feels as well as letting him know how you feel without either of you 'accusing' the other of anything. You never know he might feel the same; like his days are all work looking after the kids and going to work in the evening. The finance thing seems to work for you, my husband and I did a similar thing when we lived together before we married, I gave him what I could afford every month; it was nothing like the amount he contributed to the household but we decided together that was the best way to work it, it wasn't about giving an equal share, it was about us each contributing what was reasonable based on our earnings. Now I am a stay at home mum whilst he works his butt off 12 hours a day but somedays I still feel like I have the hardest job; looking after our 2 1/2 year old, doing the household chores, shopping, cooking, washing and ironing for the whole family, paying the bills, balancing the books and being 7 months pregnant to boot! We went through a tough time because I felt that he had the easy part; going to work and then coming home to a cooked dinner, putting his feet up and reading the paper but me moaning at him just made things worse. I felt used and unloved and that he was selfish, I told him if he had a house keeper/ nanny he wouldn't even realise I wasn't here! It was only when I told him sadly that I thought our relationship was heading for a break up that we really sat down and talked and I realised just how stressful his job was and how it was important to him it was to work hard, to be able to provide for his family and allow me to stay at home with our son. Somedays I still feel like I have the hard part of the bargain, just as I am sure he somedays would love to be at home with our son whilst I went to work. For us it was all about seeing things from the other persons point of view and although things aren't really much different in terms of what we each do on a day to day basis (him working, me looking after our son and running the house) I don't feel quite as hard done to now that I understand what his perspective is on the situation. I do hope that you are able to work through this together and will have these worries out behind you when your new baby arrives. Best wishes.

[jackiemoo]

Yes, I have suggested that! I would be fine with it. I would like to change my name though, and he agrees to that! It all depends on when he asks me though. I am not going to ask him, I mean I already wear the pants as it is, I would like to do something the old fashioned way!! HA!

[leif ericson]

hey, just set him down and talk it out as adults (if he can do that) and make a better plan on how to live.
make sure he  understands the HE has to make changes too.
if he can't, then you know why he won't marry you !!!  all that
**** (i'm sorry but it's true) he's spouting about marriage is
a load of ****, and you should be able to read through that.    (your not dumb) sounds like your the responsible parent type
that can kick ass and raise those kids, do you need a wanna be
rock star for a mate ? there are guys that would love to be family, (married) family men.  i hate to turn this into a marriage thing, but i think there is an obvious connection !
      you have a hard job ahead of you, be strong !       l.e.

[leif ericson]

one last thing, seems like what your lacking is a real partner,
lop-sided relationships are hard to deal with, they cause too
much stress. get your "bf" to come up with a five year (or whatever) plan that he HAS to stick with. so that fail or not,
he then has to step up and do the adult thing. if you had some light at the end of the tunnel to keep you going, things may get better for you. make him stick to a plan, if he can do that
then he may really care enough and do some other "grown-up"
things, like marry you !   l.e.

[sk2006a]

welcome to the women's forum, leif.  it's so nice to have a man's perspective!

usually i take the line that it's baloney when the man says that marriage is just a meaningless piece of paper.  in your case, i'm not so sure.  if you marry and end up divorcing, do you think he'll sue you for alimony?  we have friends who are divorcing and that's what's happening in their divorce.  not very pretty.  you are supporting him (in more ways than one), and he should be ble to do the same in return.  wathcing his own child while you work doesn't count. if you are going to have a stable environment, you need to be able to communicate honestly with each other.  at some point you will become pretty bitter about this, i would think!  i guess you have to decide if you are willing to continue feeling shortchanged if he's unwilling to make some changes.  can you have a quiet evening, with someone else watching your child?  maybe you can calmly lay out your needs and expectations and come to an agreement.  if not, you have a tough decision to make.  good luck whatever happens.

[glad2bamom]

I just need to make one comment.
Sometimes, in any relationship, a wake-up call is necessary.  You said that you don't/can't have this conversation with him b/c it makes him feel like a loser.  Well, if the shoe fits...
I don't mean to be rude, but if my husband (who is a very gifted singer/songwriter, but hold down a regular job in order to support his "craft")if my husband didn't get up and go to work, and used his music as an excuse, then he would be a loser!
I don't think there's anything wrong with you speaking candidly with him.  If he can't handle truth, spoken in love (I'm not telling you to call him a loser....)especially, the truth from you, then maybe you really are just his mom, and not his mate.

[siren of the sea]

jackiemoo maybe you could have an unconventional "ceremony" that wouldnt in law marry you, but profess your love and commitment.

[jackiemoo]

Thanks everyone. Again, We have talked and it isn't that I think that he doesn't do anything. He is very good with the kids, and working nights is tough. I just want him to bear the mental burden too. I am always budgeting our money and doing most of the chores. i.e. making doctors appointments for the kids, just all of the mom stuff that women usually do, plus I kinda wear the pants by providing finacially as well. It is overwhelming right now especially because of the pregnancy.

Just to let everyone know, I did have a heart to heart with him last night and he did respond well. I was very calm and explained myslef short and sweet! He promised me that he would do better and apologized for his lacadasicle attitude. He even admittied that he was getting to comfortable and was taking advantage of me a bit. I didn't bring up marriage. Thanks all for your responses.

[glad2bamom]

Just the way we like for things to end up!!!
Good for you for talking to him, and I'm glad it turned out the way you wanted it to.  I'm very glad that he received what you said.

Good luck

[mum2beagain]

Gald to hear you were able to talk and he understands how you feel. Best wishes.

[mumwith#4]

In case it hasn't already been said let me just say....it ain't gonna get any easier or better once the baby comes. Guys like this are used to being a certain way and you sound like you are used to doing 'everything' yourself so that's how it's probably going to stay unless you have a good chat about it and stick to a game plan for when the baby's born! Hmmmm...good luck with that one!

[amandabxoxo89]

having that put down attitude will do more bad than good. try to talk without a condescending demenor to him. let him know your stressed thin and would really bennefit if he could help more around the house, and praise what he does help with. the last thing you want is to push the one you love away by hurting their feelings...its a tough one because I so see your side, but I also know what its like to not remember how a hug feels from pushing an issue too far instead of empathizing first. it makes thing awkward when you confront something someone doesnt see or agrees with. In my case I pushed drinking verrrry far...and now its like i have a roomate, and three yrs later is just getting back to how it was when we met as far as being a healthy and good relationship. no he wasnt a drunk or abusive, just a drinker, 30pack a weeker, un necessary type drinking. my concern was for family history collitis and hernia, and liver failure. diffrent situation but confrontation all the same.