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Traumatized after Doctor (Gynocologist)
What can I do? Please Help me.
I recently turned 18, and I went into my clinic for a regular checkup after being on birth control for one year. I did not know that a "checkup" consisted of getting naked, having a doctor's fingers in my vagina, stretching it open with a speculum, scraping my cervix, and feeling my breasts. When I walked into the room and saw the bed covered in wrapping and the speculum, gloves, like 6 swabs out on the counter, I was terrified. I asked the nurse if I could talk to my doctor and that I did not want to take off my clothes (I saw a gown), she told me I needed to for birth control and that I had to get ready for my doctor before she came in. I was shaking terribly and my blood pressure was 160/100 (I have a heart disorder, so the fact that I was that scared and it was that high and the nurse ignored it made me even madder. I just started balling and she got my doctor finally. I sat there for 10 minutes waiting for the doctor, just curled up in a ball on the chair crying a lot. I couldn't handle the menstrual pains off of birth control, I wanted to stay on it, but I was so scared. I figured if I just talked to my doctor she would understand my fear and not make me undress without being comfortable. I was wrong. She looked at me like I was retarded when I was crying too hard to talk to her. I even went to a female to feel understood. She said "You have to do this. It is something you have to do now, every year until you turn 65." This was another thing I did not know.
She continued to say that "Nobody LIKES getting their pap smears. I don't like coming in here every year to do this." I just wanted to tell her "Then why do it?!" It looked awful. When I finally managed to tell her I was just scared because I didn't know what was going to happen to me, she went on to explain. She showed me a speculum (It looked extremely painful- a lot of times I cannot even put my own finger in there, but she told me she had a couple smaller sizes. How big did she think my vagina was?!) She showed me the brush she would swab my cervix with- D: I was so scared! And then she told me she had to feel for masses inside of me by putting two fingers in my and then feel in my rectum and feel my breasts for any lumps. I had heard enough. If this is what women go through every year for the rest of their lives, I do not want to be a woman. I was so scared and I told her no. She told me that with my heart condition, I should realize that even though nothing MIGHT not be the matter with me, you never know (as she knew I had echocardiograms every year). She told me that she would get into a lot of trouble if she did not do this. One more thing- WHO IS SHE LOOKING OUT FOR!?!?!
Well, after I just kept looking at her and crying, and asking why (I felt like a baby), she finally just said that even though she was pretty sure I didn't have any STD's, she made me test for them and let me have birth control for another year. She told me that I cannot have it after that if I do not go through with it. I am so terrified. I don't even ever want to go to that building anymore. All of my STD tests were negative, I did not have to take off my clothes, but I was still so so so traumatized and I just can't even think about my body without crying or having a nightmare. I have panic attacks weekly still about it. I am considering getting mental help. My step mom doesn't want to listen, and she is the only woman in my life. I am a high school student taking a full load of college credits at a large college and commuting every day and I don't have time for girlfriends. (Probably why I am so uninformed and terrified)
As far as I have read on the internet from the College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists, I am too young to have to have the exam, as .1% of cervical cancer incidence is in women younger than 21. I am constantly afraid now that either something is seriously wrong with my body or someone wants to violate my body. I find it hard to even shower without crying. I don't know what to do. My best friend from childhood is dying of cancer, so I don't want to just say "**** it", but is this test really that important? I don't know if I should find counseling, or how I would pay for counseling. :( Still, a month and a half after my stupid appointment, anything that reminds me of female body health makes me start to shake or cry or go into full panic attack mode. I have never even had anxiety outside of stress for a test or surgery before this. I feel so defeated and I want my power and sanity back. I wish I could sue or something. My step mom said something about that she would talk to someone about it, since I couldn’t stop crying for almost a week after the appointment, but she never did and I don’t think she will. I just do not know what to do. I am a broke student and I can’t afford any appointments that my parents are not paying for. I just want myself back.
Any Advice? :(
I recently turned 18, and I went into my clinic for a regular checkup after being on birth control for one year. I did not know that a "checkup" consisted of getting naked, having a doctor's fingers in my vagina, stretching it open with a speculum, scraping my cervix, and feeling my breasts. When I walked into the room and saw the bed covered in wrapping and the speculum, gloves, like 6 swabs out on the counter, I was terrified. I asked the nurse if I could talk to my doctor and that I did not want to take off my clothes (I saw a gown), she told me I needed to for birth control and that I had to get ready for my doctor before she came in. I was shaking terribly and my blood pressure was 160/100 (I have a heart disorder, so the fact that I was that scared and it was that high and the nurse ignored it made me even madder. I just started balling and she got my doctor finally. I sat there for 10 minutes waiting for the doctor, just curled up in a ball on the chair crying a lot. I couldn't handle the menstrual pains off of birth control, I wanted to stay on it, but I was so scared. I figured if I just talked to my doctor she would understand my fear and not make me undress without being comfortable. I was wrong. She looked at me like I was retarded when I was crying too hard to talk to her. I even went to a female to feel understood. She said "You have to do this. It is something you have to do now, every year until you turn 65." This was another thing I did not know.
She continued to say that "Nobody LIKES getting their pap smears. I don't like coming in here every year to do this." I just wanted to tell her "Then why do it?!" It looked awful. When I finally managed to tell her I was just scared because I didn't know what was going to happen to me, she went on to explain. She showed me a speculum (It looked extremely painful- a lot of times I cannot even put my own finger in there, but she told me she had a couple smaller sizes. How big did she think my vagina was?!) She showed me the brush she would swab my cervix with- D: I was so scared! And then she told me she had to feel for masses inside of me by putting two fingers in my and then feel in my rectum and feel my breasts for any lumps. I had heard enough. If this is what women go through every year for the rest of their lives, I do not want to be a woman. I was so scared and I told her no. She told me that with my heart condition, I should realize that even though nothing MIGHT not be the matter with me, you never know (as she knew I had echocardiograms every year). She told me that she would get into a lot of trouble if she did not do this. One more thing- WHO IS SHE LOOKING OUT FOR!?!?!
Well, after I just kept looking at her and crying, and asking why (I felt like a baby), she finally just said that even though she was pretty sure I didn't have any STD's, she made me test for them and let me have birth control for another year. She told me that I cannot have it after that if I do not go through with it. I am so terrified. I don't even ever want to go to that building anymore. All of my STD tests were negative, I did not have to take off my clothes, but I was still so so so traumatized and I just can't even think about my body without crying or having a nightmare. I have panic attacks weekly still about it. I am considering getting mental help. My step mom doesn't want to listen, and she is the only woman in my life. I am a high school student taking a full load of college credits at a large college and commuting every day and I don't have time for girlfriends. (Probably why I am so uninformed and terrified)
As far as I have read on the internet from the College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists, I am too young to have to have the exam, as .1% of cervical cancer incidence is in women younger than 21. I am constantly afraid now that either something is seriously wrong with my body or someone wants to violate my body. I find it hard to even shower without crying. I don't know what to do. My best friend from childhood is dying of cancer, so I don't want to just say "**** it", but is this test really that important? I don't know if I should find counseling, or how I would pay for counseling. :( Still, a month and a half after my stupid appointment, anything that reminds me of female body health makes me start to shake or cry or go into full panic attack mode. I have never even had anxiety outside of stress for a test or surgery before this. I feel so defeated and I want my power and sanity back. I wish I could sue or something. My step mom said something about that she would talk to someone about it, since I couldn’t stop crying for almost a week after the appointment, but she never did and I don’t think she will. I just do not know what to do. I am a broke student and I can’t afford any appointments that my parents are not paying for. I just want myself back.
Any Advice? :(
I think your first step is finding a doctor that you like and that you feel comfortable with. Exams are very important but it is more important to feel comfortable with the person doing the exam on you, especially because this is a more invasive exam. Search around for a good gyno and make sure you like them and that they know your entire experience before they do your next exam. Doing college is so difficult and it is necessary to talk to someone about your struggles. If your step mom won't, then you NEED to seek out a councilor at school if you can otherwise everything gets bottled up inside. Please make sure you find someone to talk to - again, make sure you are comfortable with that person. I have been in your shoes so you are not alone.
OMG if i read some texts i have to laugh.Quote :" if you want to have babies someday and make sure you are healthy you must go to the doctor and have your papsmear done".
if you are able to have babies doesnt depend on the pap test.The function of your thyroid and your hormonal state are much more important.
Then the bcp doesnt cause any cancer.Thats proven in the meantime.it also doenst transmit HPV.
The bcp can have side effects,thats totally clear.But which of them do gynos find down there?Yeast infections?Cysts?in the first case the woman would realize it by herself and cysts can also be detected by transadbdominal ultrasound.All other side effects such as high blood pressure,vein problems, or raised liver parameters can not be diagnosed in your vagina.
So what does the cancer prevention have to do with the prescription of the bcp?Nothing!Especially if she had no sexual intercourse back then.
Im from Germany.The gynos here are playing this "no pill without examination" game as well.i talked to some medical assistants working in a gyno practice.the truth is ITS ALL FOR MONEY.prevention is the biggest money source for doctors.So they found that way to pressure women into examinations like that.
There are loads of other kinds of cancer.Leukemia or brain tumours for example.Do u all get a blood smear or a MRT once a year to get it checked?i guess NO!So why should a woman expose herself twice a year nude,with spreaded legs in front of a stranger?!
i ve been touched a lot of times down there by doctors during my childhood.Against my will.I ve been traumatized by that.Im 30 years old and did not have a pap smear and i am on bcp too.its every womans descision.People should do this examination if they really feel ok with it and the doctor.Nobody should be forced.Doctors should not only care about the physical health of their patients.But also about their mental health.Pushing a woman in an intimate examination like this could cause the feeling of being raped and therefore a trauma.Just as in my case.
To akri: i dont know the situation in your country.Over here u can get the pill from your internist/family doctor.thats the way i do it.
Then there are test kits available in the internet with which you can make a self-test on HPV at home.You have to send it to a lab for an analysis.
maybe you could update us how you are feeling with your anxiety disorders?
Best regards from Germany :)
if you are able to have babies doesnt depend on the pap test.The function of your thyroid and your hormonal state are much more important.
Then the bcp doesnt cause any cancer.Thats proven in the meantime.it also doenst transmit HPV.
The bcp can have side effects,thats totally clear.But which of them do gynos find down there?Yeast infections?Cysts?in the first case the woman would realize it by herself and cysts can also be detected by transadbdominal ultrasound.All other side effects such as high blood pressure,vein problems, or raised liver parameters can not be diagnosed in your vagina.
So what does the cancer prevention have to do with the prescription of the bcp?Nothing!Especially if she had no sexual intercourse back then.
Im from Germany.The gynos here are playing this "no pill without examination" game as well.i talked to some medical assistants working in a gyno practice.the truth is ITS ALL FOR MONEY.prevention is the biggest money source for doctors.So they found that way to pressure women into examinations like that.
There are loads of other kinds of cancer.Leukemia or brain tumours for example.Do u all get a blood smear or a MRT once a year to get it checked?i guess NO!So why should a woman expose herself twice a year nude,with spreaded legs in front of a stranger?!
i ve been touched a lot of times down there by doctors during my childhood.Against my will.I ve been traumatized by that.Im 30 years old and did not have a pap smear and i am on bcp too.its every womans descision.People should do this examination if they really feel ok with it and the doctor.Nobody should be forced.Doctors should not only care about the physical health of their patients.But also about their mental health.Pushing a woman in an intimate examination like this could cause the feeling of being raped and therefore a trauma.Just as in my case.
To akri: i dont know the situation in your country.Over here u can get the pill from your internist/family doctor.thats the way i do it.
Then there are test kits available in the internet with which you can make a self-test on HPV at home.You have to send it to a lab for an analysis.
maybe you could update us how you are feeling with your anxiety disorders?
Best regards from Germany :)
Ugh! Whole story makes me sad! It's 2016 now and I wonder if akri 1002 is ok...I have Anxiety and I found this thread while exploring what to do about rude doctors/be an assertive patient.
Gyn exams are a laughably bizarre social situation, but the physical exam has always turned out surprisingly boring for me. The above nurse and doctor totally ignored akri 1002's basic right to have control of her own body and need to know that she is safe. The nurse was controlling, disrespectful, and basically misidentified what the problem was. The doctor was all that, and also crossed the line to unethical when she 1) tried to coerce a frightened patient into a procedure she'd already declined and 2) lyied about getting in trouble for not doing the procedure. (Doctors don't get in trouble if a patient declines treatment--that's a lie.)
That's not how respectable medical people act. They were both irresponsible jerks.
No, it's not a big deal if an 18 yr old who uses birth control for stopping pain, is not at unusual risk of cancer/illness, and is not having sex-type contact waits a year or so before getting her pap. Fear that tortures you and stops you from living your life is. That has to stop.
Talk therapy with a psychologist, occasional sedatives from a primary doctor, lots of kinds of meditation, drug therapy with a psychiatrist, are all reasonable places to start. Personally, I'm shocked by how fast and helpful certain types of meditation have been for me after years of all of the above! (You can Youtube guided meditations aimed at anxiety/panic for free! Yay!) But, I'm me. Each person needs their own mix of tools to help themself.
Some other thoughts for anyone in akri 1002's situation:
bug Stepmom again (maybe she doesn't realize this hasn't gone away); bug Dad (if Stepmom wasn't there, he'd be responsible for helping his daughter anyhow [if he's mature enough to make a daughter, then it's fair to expect him to deal with her health in a mature way]); many universities offer Both free healthcare and free psychological counselling; if it doesn't offer these things, is there a kind teacher you might confide in?; do you practice religion regularly--maybe there is a woman at your religious center that might listen and help brainstorm what to do?; some towns have services like "211" you can call for referrals to help with all sorts of problems, or teen support #s to call for all kinds of personal problems.
Please don't live in fear of panic attacks, hidden illnesses or medical bullies.
Gyn exams are a laughably bizarre social situation, but the physical exam has always turned out surprisingly boring for me. The above nurse and doctor totally ignored akri 1002's basic right to have control of her own body and need to know that she is safe. The nurse was controlling, disrespectful, and basically misidentified what the problem was. The doctor was all that, and also crossed the line to unethical when she 1) tried to coerce a frightened patient into a procedure she'd already declined and 2) lyied about getting in trouble for not doing the procedure. (Doctors don't get in trouble if a patient declines treatment--that's a lie.)
That's not how respectable medical people act. They were both irresponsible jerks.
No, it's not a big deal if an 18 yr old who uses birth control for stopping pain, is not at unusual risk of cancer/illness, and is not having sex-type contact waits a year or so before getting her pap. Fear that tortures you and stops you from living your life is. That has to stop.
Talk therapy with a psychologist, occasional sedatives from a primary doctor, lots of kinds of meditation, drug therapy with a psychiatrist, are all reasonable places to start. Personally, I'm shocked by how fast and helpful certain types of meditation have been for me after years of all of the above! (You can Youtube guided meditations aimed at anxiety/panic for free! Yay!) But, I'm me. Each person needs their own mix of tools to help themself.
Some other thoughts for anyone in akri 1002's situation:
bug Stepmom again (maybe she doesn't realize this hasn't gone away); bug Dad (if Stepmom wasn't there, he'd be responsible for helping his daughter anyhow [if he's mature enough to make a daughter, then it's fair to expect him to deal with her health in a mature way]); many universities offer Both free healthcare and free psychological counselling; if it doesn't offer these things, is there a kind teacher you might confide in?; do you practice religion regularly--maybe there is a woman at your religious center that might listen and help brainstorm what to do?; some towns have services like "211" you can call for referrals to help with all sorts of problems, or teen support #s to call for all kinds of personal problems.
Please don't live in fear of panic attacks, hidden illnesses or medical bullies.
I know this is an old post, but it stood out to me. I wanted to send my support to you. It is completely okay for you to choose not to allow the exam! No one should tell you that it's not smart to skip it or try to push you to have it done. It is your body, your choice and that should be respected. You deserve to have that choice and not be barked at by anyone... I can relate to how you feel. It is awful and very hard to be understood by others. My anxiety stems from being sexually abused and trigers some stress that really *****. I am so sorry you have had to deal with this and didn't have a good friend to talk with! I hope things have improved over the years.
do you realize that this pap is not only testing for cervical cancer but many other tests as well? just cuz your not sexually active or anything like that doesn't mean that something might not be there.... your body changes all the time so keeping this monitored would actually be a better thing and give you better peice of mind.... i'm always completely nervous when going for a pap but its better ot know then not know. if you do know then you can do something about it if you don't know then things could get alot worse and lead to illnesses that your not aware of and can make you seriously sick and for one you with your heart problems should for one get all exams cuz anything can lead to weakening of your heart.... so for the love of your life i extremely advise you to get this done.... its a serious matter the tests are not as bad as you thing just take some deep breaths and it'll all be over quick. your life is more important then some stupid tests. so why not? you wouldn't skip a dr. appointment for any other check up... so why skip this one?
I learned more from the college of g. and o., which has let out several findings that there is less than a .1% chance of cervical cancer under the age of 20. And, unless you have had abnormal smears in the past, they do not need to be done but every 3 years. So, I have no chance of having any STDs, and this is a waste. I do not have to do anything that makes me cry this much. I am still having such a hard time with this, and I have finally decided I will not give into the norm of being brainwashed by the money making gynos. I will not put my sensitive woman parts up to be stretched at (my doctor knows I have weak tissues and most likely will never have children). Anyway, I am choosing not to be on birth control anymore so that I will never have to go and do this awful thing. I will be in charge of my own health, and this is not part of it for me. So this expectation can suck it.
From what you are saying it seems like you have anxiety issues anyway. I used to have anxiety issues, i went to the doctor, got a small xanax prescription and just knowing i have some pills on me that i could take to make me feel better almost cured me in itself. You need to think positive thoughts and not get stuck in this bad place in your head. Every woman has pap smears. I freaking hate them but they are vital for your health. You need to get them done for your own benefit. Maybe try a different doctor, one that makes you more comfortable. The other ladies who commented covered the pap smear perfectly. But as far as your anxiety you need to get help. Its not fun living with anxiety. Hope all works out for you.
This will give you some more info
http://www.female-puberty.com/GynecologicalExam.html
http://women.webmd.com/guide/pelvic-examination
http://www.youngwomenshealth.org/pelvicinfo.html
http://www.female-puberty.com/GynecologicalExam.html
http://women.webmd.com/guide/pelvic-examination
http://www.youngwomenshealth.org/pelvicinfo.html
Pap smears are extremely important and HAVE to be done. Your doctor should have been more sensitive to you being scared and it is uncomfortable but it needs to be done especially now that you're 18. I know it's hard but the doctos see women all the time and it's their job to do this. You have to relax and let them do their work. Don't be embarrassed or anything they've seen it all and if you want to have babies someday and make sure you are healthy you must go to the doctor and have your papsmear done. It is not bad at all if you just relax and let them do their job. You just have to know they do it all the time. It's part of being a woman and being responsible for your health.
Hon, I understand your fears. I do not think any woman LIKES the exam. But, it is important to have it done. I am sorry you did not not someone with you. Your doctor seemed a little cold and maybe you should call around to find one that you will be more comfortable with. The things you described as far as the exam went are pretty normal for a yearly exam. Men have their exams too and they suck as well, according to my hubby.
I promise, with the right doctor it will get easier. You are smart to start now. I began getting mine at 18 as well. I am 60 now and still have them once a year.
Think of it this way...this is the ONE time you get to talk about yourself and not get into trouble :).
Maybe if you focus on getting good info to stay healthy you can handle it a little better.
Sorry, it was so hard for you. I hope you can get thru this so you can stay healthy.
I promise, with the right doctor it will get easier. You are smart to start now. I began getting mine at 18 as well. I am 60 now and still have them once a year.
Think of it this way...this is the ONE time you get to talk about yourself and not get into trouble :).
Maybe if you focus on getting good info to stay healthy you can handle it a little better.
Sorry, it was so hard for you. I hope you can get thru this so you can stay healthy.
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