Vaginal tears and pain during sex

[Eagletears]

My wife has had a hard life as far as her health goes. She is 44 yrs old. In the early 90s she had a partial historectomy. She almost died. She himeraged 3 times. 3 years later she had her left overy and falopean tubes removed. sense the last surgers she has had no desire for any type of intamency or making love.
I have dietbetis and can not get an erection. my doctor pacribed a vacume pump. my wife says it makes me to big and she bleeds and have pain during and after words. we have refrained from sex for a couple of years now. O yes, she had a brain anerisem laster year and now we found out that she has another one that needs fixed. getting back to her and the pain she has during sex with anything that is insurted, her finger, my finger or a vibrator. when she uses the vibreator on her clit she seems to enjoy it.
what can be going on, she has tried harmone therapy and the family doctor says its in her head. part of it might be. but the bleeding and pain during sex is real and I am not rough.
how can I help and/or where can we get help.

[AnnieBrooke]

A therapist who specializes in sexual issues between couples is the best bet.  She's probably feeling guilty and pressured that you are not getting the sex you would like, and that feeling can turn off all sexual excitement, even if someone doesn't want it too.  If you can't go to a therapist or in the meantime, maybe she could stimulate you with her hand and you could stimulate her (clitoris only, not inside) with the vibrator.  It isn't intercourse by the usual definition, but you would probably both have a satisfactory experience, and it would be friendly.

[free spirit]

This is not a 'it's in your head' thing!   Dump that doctor.

This is a very real pain she is experiencing.  You need to find a gyn that deals with pelvic/vulvo vaginal pain.  With all of the surgeries that your wife has had, it is highly likely that some nerves got messed up.  Check out vaginismus, vulvodynia and vestibulitis, pelvic floor muscle disfunction(tightness).

These conditions are treatable.  Any doctor who tells a patient that 'it's 'all in her head' isn't worth a dime.  

Be persistent in trying to locate a caring doctor.