What Makes A 30 Year Old Married Woman Want To Push Sexual Boundries?

[moore_d_d]

I have been married to my wife for ten years and have had a really great sex life with my wife. Recently her need to experiment sexually has grown. Normally we just communicate and talk and have “Dirty Sex” and talk to each other about having sex with other people but that has grown. We have started having sex with a couple we know on a regular basis. This isn’t the problem. She wants to take this even further and start having sex with strangers and me to find strange women ect. Her need to push sexual boundaries is growing at a high rate of speed and we both have agreed that this behavior is not healthy. During the course of our ten years of marriage she says she has felt this way but has managed to stay faithful but has since only been able to communicate to me her real desires. Now I know what half of you are thinking, she was probably molested. She swears up and down she was not. She was how ever promiscuous during High School, and lived with just her mother. If there are any psychiatrist out there or anyone who thinks they can offer me an insightful opinion please I’m listening.

[RockRose]

Moore - this isn't a doctor monitored board,  but I think you'll probably get some good ideas anyway.

First,  in my opinion usually women who do this have a desire to convince themselves that "sex means nothing".  As you say,  you thought maybe she was molested,  and so  "sex means nothing so it's okay I was molested and no one rescued me."  In her case,  that doesn't seem to be the direct cause.  How about "sex means nothing so it's okay that my mother was extremely promiscuous and brought men to the house to spend the night all the time and now she has died and I want to be okay with her behavior".  (You don't say what her mother was like,  so that's  just a possibility,  could be way off base.)   Or maybe "sex means nothing so it doesn't matter that no one respected me in high school and I had a horrible reputation and was used, and ridiculed,  because sex means nothing".  

Do you see what I'm saying?  I think she would have to complete the sentence herself,  "I need to convince myself that sex has no meaning because . . . ".


Stick by your guns on this one - this isn't emotionally or physically healthy.  Best wishes.

[neveragainunprotected]

you sound like monkeyflowers husband.  she'll tell you swinging is okay!! heck, even throw some anal in there, but if you're going to do anal, DON'T FORGET to read (cuz we are all just dyin' to run out and buy it) Jack Morin's book on Anal pleasure and health.

[socgirl]

there are a million and one different possible reasons for your wife's interest in swinging, etc.  Rockrose pointed out quite a few of the possibilites.  I'm not going to say one way or the other if swinging is ok or not, it's a choice a couple has to make together and both be in agreement with.  you obviously have a problem with this, so in your particular case, it is not ok because you're not on board with this.  I agree with rockrose here...stick to your guns and don't give in.  It's not healthy if your wife keeps trying to convinve you to give in or "force" you into a situation you're not comfortable with.  Have you thought about marriage counseling?  Just a thought...it may or may not help.  If you and your wife can get to the underlying reasons why she feels this way, then maybe the two of you can deal with it together.

[monkeyflower]

First of all, just because your partner wants different sex than you do does NOT mean she was abused, or anything of the sort. Nor does it mean she's trying to justify her mother's behavior. And it isn't a sign of emotional problems, either. Everyone is different. She may just have different needs/wants/values than you do, and that's fine for her.

But now you have to decide what's okay with YOU... what you feel comfortable with, and what will be a deal-breaker for you. And to that end, I would urge you to see a sex therapist together (or alone, if she won't go). S/he will be able to educate you around this issue, and help you figure out what you want to do. To find a sex therapist, check out the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists: www.aasect.org.

[lhowell]

Oh, and lets keep in mind that women reach their sexual peak in their 30's.  I know I became a lot more adventurous when I hit 30.  :)

[otot_mu_bahu]

i think she's getting a long way off..

i bet it hits your nerve even just a mere thought of her doing it behind your back.

it's not healthy anymore.  stand with your words that you do not approve it...

(i hope i circumcise her clitoris)

[moore_d_d]

I think a new round of marriage counseling is in our future.  I do think that this is just a mechanism that she has developed over years of mental abuse from me and my high expectations of her and sexual performance.  I have been diagnosed with dystimia (look it up to complicated to explain) and have transformed her into this person that I don’t like.  I NEVER wanted any of these types of reactions such as this crazy sexual experimentation, but it is now what I have.  I tell you this in reaction to Rock Rose’s post.  It made a lot of sense to me.  So thank you all for your opinions on this.  At least I have been able to take a few things from all this.  Thank you for your help.