Why do I blame myself?

[sweetpea111]

I have been sitting here trying to type this post for the past 30 minutes.  It feels like I'm finally saying it aloud.  I have never told anyone about this.  Well here goes.  When I was 6+ years old I was malested by a son of one of my mothers friends.  He was around 18 at the time.  Although I don't remember much, I do remember ways that he use to touch me and kiss on me.  I never told my mother because as a child I thought I would get into trouble and she would be dissappointed in me, but when I got older I just didn't want to cause any problems because I know she would have probably killed him or just hurt him really bad. I grew up without a father and had a very good mother, she never brought a man home because of being afraid of something like this happening, she never really left me with anyone, she was always there and we always had a good relationship.  This is something I just could not bring myself to tell her.  I am 30 now and everyday I think about it.  I have a little girl now she is 5 and I know if something like this happens to here I would not for any reason want her to think it was her fault, but why do I blame myself.  I feel if I had told someone or just made some sort of scene when going around him this would have ended.  I hate myself for not doing that.  I guess it is still hard because his mom and my mom are still friends and when she speaks of her or him I get really sick to my stomach and never go around when they are together.  Everyone is stating to think I think I too much to come around.  I feel that I'm babbling so I will close now.  HELP!

[Hityty]

I know you will get lots of help here, but I did want to tell you that its not your fault, it never was, and it is VERY normal for a child to blame themselves when something like this happens. And its VERY normal for an adult to look back and question everything. Its normal and its okay. Just keep reminding yourself that you were/are in no way to blame, and there was nothing you could have done differently, you handled everything the best way you could have. You are definitly not alone. You made a HUGE step today posting what you did, be proud of yourself! You will get more advice and encouragement, there's some really great people here. Hang in there, the first step is the biggest & hardest to take, and you did it!

[Nikkie Ann]

Hello sweetpea111, i totally agreed with what Hityty said. You should stop blamming yourself. What torturous years you've been through! Talking it out with someone, even in here, definitely is a huge step, and i hope it had helped in releasing some of the burden you have carried for so long. Probably and hopefully, from the words of encouragement you obtained from the postings here give you much encouragement and bravery to approach your mom and tell her about it. From the way you describe your relationship with her, she would be understanding and supportive if you choose to confront that jerk. Have you consider telling your husband/partner and get his support? Be in control of your life, do not be afraid, and remember that you are not alone, and that you have a beautiful family to look forward to. Good luck to you and keep us posted.

[Trialanderror]

Get it off your chest, sweatpea111. This has happened throughout so many generations, it is a sad story. I told my mother when she was 68 but she did not want to deal with it anymore. It was a family friend as well. The only way I am becoming proactive now is to guard my 4-year-old from harmful situations. Is the son of your Mom`s friend still around? Did he develop a career of abuse? Is your daughter ever over at their house? Maybe you can tell your Mom matter-of-factly that you do not want your daughter with certain people because...and then you tell your whole story. And do never blame yourself...my goodness!

[Trialanderror]

I`m sorry I mis-spelled your name!!!

[PGB]

You should be so proud of yourself for finding the strength to post on here today!  It took loads of strength and courage.  You should no more blame yourself than you would another 6 year old child this happened to.  That is very young to be put in the position of making such adult decisions.  Have you considered trying theropy?  It might help some.  Maybe even get your mom to go some with you later on...as she could have troubles of her own with blaming herself too.  Just a thought.  Don't blame yourself, blame the guy who did this to you!!

[kenziesmom]

I think it is normal to blame yourself.  You are mad at yourself, because you never told anyone.  You need to tell yourself over and over, "I was a child.  I was the victim."  Seriously, say it outloud, on this forum, whatever it takes, to convince yourself that YOU did nothing wrong.  Children are always told not to tattle.  I think it is very difficult for a child at 6 to decide if they should tell about something a "friend of the family" is doing.  You have been carrying this burden for 24 years!  That is a long time.  Would you feel better discussing this with your mom with a counselor, or another family member or friend present?  As a mother of a six year old little girl, my heart goes out to you.  I seriously have tears in my eyes thinking someone would violate your innocence, allowing you to carry it with you for so long.  My prayers are with you as you go through the acceptance of what happened.

[sweetpea111]

I want to thank you all so much for the comfort and encouraging words.  I am sitting here now with tears in my eyes because I feel that I am finally able to talk to someone about this. Trialanderror, to answer your ?'s,  He is still around, but I never go around where he is.  Mainly because I know he remembers what he did and feel that he blames me instead of owning up to the responsibility.  When I was a teenager he has made a comment to one of his sisters that I was a fast child, and I was totally opposite.  I never had boyfriends growing up, I was a virgin on my wedding night, I never went out and partied.  I feel that I was a very well respected young lady.  I now have a wonderful husband and two wonderful kids.  My life is perfect execpt for this knife stabbing pain that I have.  I no my husband will understand, it is just so hard to say the words aloud.  And to your other ?.  No my daughter do not go around him she has never even met him.  I sometimes feel I'm being to protective, but she is always with us.  I never leave her in the presence of no one, and I am always talking to her about how private her parts are and how NO ONE should look at them or touch them and to never be afraid to tell even if someone says not to.  I just hope she listens.  
Not sure if anyone else was a victim.  It finally stopped with me when he got married.  The thing is he is now divorced and have a new granddaughter, and this scares me.  I want to think this only happened because he was still young and imature and now that he is 40+ he is different.  I just still hate him. Thanks again this does help.

[little louise]

I can understand what you feel, how you feel and all of the above. I had the same thing happen to be by two relatives in my pre-teen age and although it was done once with two different individuals it did not feel good. For some reason as children were more concerned with what the adults are going to say (being our parents)until it cripples us from reaching out for help.
When I finally shared it with my Mom years after my father has pasted I learned through my mom and her sister that there oldest Sister had been done the same way my the man's father.

My mom and sister re-assured me that it wasn't my fault and that it was only God that kept me from telling it because they would have been serving time in prison.

For the most part you can always go online to find out about his divorce. Also find the person that he was married to and began to in a round about way find out what happened.

It's people as such who walk around free to hurt more children because we are to afraid to speak out.

[MichelleH.]

sweetpea111, I'm very sorry to hear about what you have suffered through, but please remember - it's NOT your fault! Are you currently receiving care from a qualified therapist? Or at least a good sexual abuse support group in your area? It helps a great deal to have someone there to talk to; someone who can relate to what you are going through.

With the help of both a therapist and support group, I was able to deal with my sexual abuse and stop the cycle of blame. I was molested by my uncle(father's brother) when I was 4-6. For many years I had blocked that experience out. It came back to the surface after an attempted rape in my teens; It hit me like a ton of bricks! For years afterward, I continually blamed myself for all of the abuse that had happened to me, even for the attempted rape.

I suffered through deep deperssions so severe, than I ended up in the hospital for treatment numerous times. A few times I even tried to commit suicide. I suffered from panic attacks and PTSD(Post Tramatic Stress Disorder). I was a mess for a while. I couldn't even watch programs about sexual abuse without thinking about what happened to me and bursting into tears. I still refuse to go around the uncle who did this to me, or even talk to him. Not because I have not forgiven him, but because the memories and old feelings come rushing back, so I stay far away.

After years of seeing a psychologist, I rarely think about that anymore. Didn't happen overnight, and healing took a very long time. Whatever you do PLEASE get help! It will benefit you more than you ever know. Don't give up, because things do get better.

[mysterylady]

hi sweetpea., I can understand where you are coming from your story shocked me. I am 42 and had the same exact experience..and NO i still haven't told my mother...ugly thing was It was my father...i blame myself for one thing NOT telling her early enough cuz it happened to more people and eventually my mother did find out..but until today she still does not know it happened to me..when I had my daughter 16 yrs ago I worried the good thing is he died when she was 3 months old. If this person is still alive I would tell someone immediately and everything happens for a reason NO nothing was your fault and you must explain to your daughter that she must tell you everything that she feels is not right keep the communication open as much as you can if its something silly you can both laugh about it. If you did nothing as a child I understand cuz you were afraid but if this person is still alive he could still be doing it. Don't be afraid your mission in life could be to stop this crazy pedifile..Dont wait til someone else gets hurt....mysterylady

[GreatDane101]

If someone sexually assualts a child and alcoholism is a factor. Will they offend again if they are sober now. Is it true once an offender always an offender. thanks for any feed back

[Aralys]

God, what happen to you is the same that happen to me twice, and I don't tell anyone because he was the brother of my brother girlfriend and brother of the bestfriend of my sister, and I was only 5 years old (now 22). And when I was 16 a taxi driver try to rape me,and yes I don't said anything because a that time I was a very depresing thing walking, the only thing I did was broke his noce but nothing more.

Now I don't have the courage to talk about it, because I now that my brother, my sister a even my father (he lives whit my grandmother since a have 2 month old) is going to try to kill him. And the worst thing is, I fear for my niece, she looks just like me when a was litle and last month a saw him when a was walking whit her, I enter in panick and runaway whit her, but that don't take way the guilt a feel for no telling them what kind of people is that guy, and the guilt I going to feel if something happens to her.

For your child do what you have to do, I going to try to do it for my niece

[Alicebvt]

Sweetpea111,

All I can do is pray for you. I did just now. For you to be at peace with yourself and with your tormenters. None of us can EVER do enough to please God. That is why he sent his SON to die for our sins. This is called grace, and it is free of charge. You don't have to DO anything, or BE anything special or specific to earn it, but you do have to take it. Just accept this gift & ask him to forgive your sins (don't worry about the sins of others, or try to say some sins are bigger than others, because they are not). Sweetpea111, we have all been in the same boat since we got here! :-)

Bottom line is, that you have nothing to feel guilty about that all the billions of souls in the world today don't share equally with you. We all should release our guilt to our Lord, and ask for his mercy, which he freely offers, and it's the very BEST stimulus package in the history of the universe.

[Alicebvt]

Hey, Girlfriend!! This applies to you too. And me. I was never raped, but have had other horrible things happen to me, and was consumed by first fear, then anger, then rage, then guilt.  All of these emotions produce nothing except acid in one's own stomach!! Solves nothing. I wound up only hurting  myself with this script putting me to sleep every night. Peace is obtained by smiling, accepting grace, and offering forgiveness. When you help others, you help yourself, and your soul. I am not saying do not talk about it, or even accept professional help, if you need it, but coming to terms with personal pain starts with yourself. When you hold onto hatred, resentment, self-pity (even though we deserve this comfortable emotion), and guilt, it is like dragging around a sled filled with rocks. One other thing. Revenge is a loan to the devil. Empty, no payback, only hurts the giver of it. Hang in there. You are on the right site for friends who will support you.