Woman to Woman

[mrsc2005]

Good morning ladies. I need some advice. I hope know one gives me a hard time as I am posting this under the relationship topic, and we have been able to have such open and intimate chats with easch other that I'd like to come to yall for advice.
I just got married two months ago, before marriage we talked about EVERYTHING, he never acted jealous, or disespectful, just a true sweetheart. Well all has abruptly changed! I cannot go the store with out him accusing me of "playing games" ex. last night I said I come ride with me to get gas so I don't have to get it in the mrng. He said he did mot feel like it and went to bed, ok. He knows I DON"T pump gas. So I had to drive maybe 5 miles more to get to a full serv. station. Ran into this guy that is helping us move today wife, told her we could use her husband help she said he's at home follow me over there.I do, arange the move, get back home he is PISSED that I was gone so long, I explained what happen, he than began to say I am playin games,he don't know what I got going on, I'm spiteful, and vengful. I am like what are you talking about? So you only trust me when I am with you, and if I am all these terrible things WHY AM I YOUR WIFE???  He had no answer, he tried to say something else, I said when you can answer my qstn. tlak to me, and went to sleep. This morng. when he left out for work, he did not give me a kiss, say have a nice day,he didn't say NOTHING! Now I know he is not cheating, we both are at work, then home, anything else we do together. Do you all think he is uncertain about the marriage?

[JoAnnaRF]

LOL You actually DO know me better than her. I actually communicate with you. I tell her nothing.
Not to worry about calling me JoAnna, over the years, I have found it easier to use that professionally and I'll answer to anything starting with a J, or any form of Mom, Mommy, Mama, Mother etc.. LOL
Oh and thanks for the nice words about how she has missed out on knowing me as well as the kids. And yeah, I guess it does bug me still, even after all of these years. Sadly, she is just the tip of the iceberg, his father is even worse if you can believe that. But luckily he has a very sweet baby sister (31 yrs old) and she treats me as if I am her sister. So I suppose there is always a positive if you just look.
Thanks again--J

[oceans3]

im laughing because i said..i probably know you better than "she" does and here i called you "joanne" ha ha...

sorry im using this thread. i just thought that was funny.

[JoAnnaRF]

The last time my mother-in law came to our home was about oh 14 years ago and we had invited them to dinner. It was about a 2 hour trip for them and I had made a HUGE dinner. Trying to please her and everyone else. After they got there and took off their coats etc.. I started telling them what we were having for dinner and that we could eat whenever they were ready.. She replied, "Oh, well we stopped at a Steakhouse on the way and so we aren't hungry." I said NOTHING!! Scooped the kids up and took them to the kitchen where we ate dinner in silence. I said nothing to them for the rest of the evening. Just claened up the kitchen, bathed the kids and put them to bed. Kissed my (poor, scared) husband goodnight and went to bed. Live and learn, and I did. Never invited her again and now LUCKILY, we live 12 hours away! WooHoo

[oceans3]

UGH! that story gave me a huge lump in my throat!! i can almost feel the anxiety as you are cooking that dinner. i feel so sorry for you!!! is was a long time ago but see how things stick with you?
not only is she missing out on her grandkids but a lovely, woman (you) as well. i probably know you better than she does. ha, ha

[JoAnnaRF]

My husband has three sisters and is the only son my mother-in-law had. He left her home as soon as he legally could, I think at age 18. As a teenager he worked 2 jobs and had to give all his pay to her since she had recently divorced his father. He became the "man of the house" and she took advantage of him. Well like I said he left as soon as he could and met me not oo long after that. She wanted him to move back home and continue to suppost her and his sisters. NOT ME!!! LOL Teh day he took me to her home to meet her, I was so nervous and dressed very conservatively, but had painted my fingernails a reddish pink. My name is JoAnna, but my nickname is Joey and when he introduced us in her living room, she looked me up and down, and said that I should NOT use my boyish nickname anymore, it wasn't fitting, and that only WHORES wore RED fingernail polish!! That was day 1! LOL
She told EVERYONE at our wedding that I was pregnant and that we HAD to get married. But she was made the fool when Sarah didn't come along until 16 months AFTER the wedding..
Now we live in Florida. She is in N. Carolina and that isn't far enough away for me. She hardly ever sees our children, her choice, not ours, and when she does, she tries to act like she is the PERFECT grandmother and my kids don't even know what to call her. As they have gotten older they just call her Sandra.
We did happen to see her a month ago while we were visiting my husband's sister. She showered the other 2 grandchildren with gifts of clothes and toys and gave our children each a dollar gift saying that had she known we were coming she'd have done more. Like it was our fault for not letting her know. Funny she had time to purchase the other two's gifts.. But whatever. Even the two little ones that got all the nice things thought it was SO rude of her. LOL My kids could care less. They know that this is HER loss. They are in no way fooled by her and know what she is like. My mother was very attentive to them and spent every moment possible being a Gamma to them. Sadly she passed away in 97 and now they really don't have a grandparent to rely on since my stepdad lives in Texas. I go to EVERY Grandparent Luncheon at the school so that my kids aren't left out.
I know I have given WAY more info than you asked for. LOL I could go on for hours about why she doesn't like me and how she shows it. But it all boils down to one thing. He married me and I took her son away from her in her eyes. It is very twisted. But she is the one that loses. When I become a grandmother, there is NOTHING and NO ONE that would ever keep me from being there for them.
That's life--J

[oceans3]

oh, thank you for responding. what an awful situation! its actually a no win situation isnt it? you could be the queen but she would find something..anything to dislike you. the reason is you "took" her son.
i was just asking because i have "issues" ha,ha dont we all? my husband and i have been together for about 19 yrs (as you know through other posts). i get along w. his mom but she has a tendancy to be critical, negative, sarcastic of people so i figure..why not me? i am by nature a perfectionist and strive VERY hard (too hard) to please others and it wears down on me. i would rather do something i do not want to do then to hear about it later (like some family function or something). i am not someone who makes waves but fears waves.i worry too much what others think. anyway, i get nervous because im with her son and want to meet expectations. its the perfectionist in me.  thats her son and you know how mothers want the best. ohh the pressure!
i was just curious about your situation and i appreciate you sharing it w. me (even though im certain its caused you and your kids pain). everytime you post you remind me of my best friend who is 35 and has 5 kids. she was meant to be a mom and its what she does best. her own mom is not involved w. the kids at all and says the same things you do. her loss (which it is) and when her kids have kids she is NOT going to be like that at all. her mother has not even seen where she has been living for 8 years. and thats her OWN mother.

[oceans3]

i know this isnt the right place to ask this, but you mentioned something in the last post that made me curious (about your inlaws disliking you) how come? also, how do you get through holidays, events and so on having kids? or do they live far from you guys?

[JoAnnaRF]

My husband and I married VERY young. And we started having children pretty quickly. He became VERY possessive, controlling and jealous. I was young and took it for a long time. Then I just got tired. I told him that was it! I mean if I got up to go to the bathroom, he'd ask where I was going. I started getting nasty and making smartassed remarks to all of his insane questions. Then I told him that if he didn't get over his crazy controlling behavior, that I would take the kids and never look back. I meant it. And now 18 years later, I do what I want, when I what without question. Now don't get me wrong. You DO have to be considerate. If I go out somewhere, I tell him where I'm going and when I think I'll be back. If I'm gonna be late, I call so he doesn't worry that I crashed the car. And he does the same for me. He tole me, eventually, that he was SO afraid of losing me that's why he acted so foolish. When he realized that he was driving me away and I was going to leave BECASUE of him, he "got it". I hate to continue the Dr. Phil fan club ( can't help it, I like him, usually) But he says that you have to think of the payoff. At the end of the day, have you collected what you are owed from thsi relationship? And also he says that your husband is suppposed to make you KNOW that if you were standing in a crowded room with hundreds of women, that your husband KNOWS that YOU think you are the luckiest woman in the room. He is supposed to make you feel happy, secure and loved. Not judged and deceptive. You HAVE to have trust. Without it you will die inside.
There is hope for him. The in-laws, oh the in-laws. Mine HATE me! Always have. Oh well, that's their problem. He is supposed to choose YOU! EVERYTIME! But yes, he is probably having a tough time with the transition into a new marriage and I think he's been married before? lot's of baggage and who knows what reasons "other" women gave him to not trust women. But you have to talk to him. Ask him what the heck he thinks he's doing? Whay the change as soon as he put the ring on your finger. This is not what you said "I Do" to. Let him know exactly how you feel and what you expect. Lay it all on the line. This is YOUR life. It's up to you to make it work for you. And if he isn't making life "work" for you, then move on. The love you feel now will not end, but the dread of answering questions like where are you going? everytime you stand up will get VERy old VERy fast.
Good luck and I hope things work out in time.

[ateague]

I had a boyfriend that I knew my parents hated, but at least they faked it in front of me.  It made it so hard to move forward with him.  It put so much pressure on me and him that we had to break it off.  I can only imagine what you're going through.  You just want to yell at him to grow some balls and stick up for the woman he loves, I've been there too, where the mom doesn't like you and feels she has every right to bad mouth you to her son since he doesn't say anything to defend you.  It may just make you explode at her one day.  You two dated for a year and a half, why didn't they ever try to meet you?  Why didn't he feel it was necessary for his family to meet you during that time?  Did she like the ex-girlfriend you were talking about earlier, there could be some harbored resentment that she and him didn't make it, and the mom may want him back with her.

[mrsc2005]

I must say I do agree with you, a baby right now is the LAST thing need. Oh my I forgot to add, that he didn't even bother to tell her we lost the baby and she says: You are starting to show, I was PISSED!

[mrsc2005]

No offense taken to what anyone has to say. That's why I asked the question. I DEFINETLY beleive his mom is getting to him, his kids mom, and who ever else. Who looks to get married and not have theri love ones like their mate? It's an automatic stressful relationship. But if your mom can come to you and say I don't think she is right fir you, or your family didn't like her she wasn't very personable ( not to mention they met me ONCE, which was at the wedding), and YOU as my husband don't take up for me what does that say? Or to even come back to me telling me what your mom said.

[CDoyle]

A quick side note... regardless if you like Dr. Phil or not I do remember a very important thing he said on one of his episodes. "You have to earn a divorce" I know that you are not turning to that as an option at this point and everyone is giving you good advice on seeing someone for help, but do keep that in mind when you trying to work things out. If it ever comes to a point when you just don't know if you can be in the marriage any longer ask yourself if you and your husband tried everything possible to make you marriage work.
No one ever said that marriage was easy! Some have it easier than others...

[jluhart]

Dr. Phil also asks if staying in your marriage is costing you too much and are you giving up too much of yourself to stay in a marriage.  He is also not an advocate of verbal abuse or abuse of any kind.  I am all for counselling if your husband will go and try to get better, but his behavior is very troubling.  I would definitely hold off on having kids because your situation is not one to bring a child into.  I truly think you should not let things continue the way they are.  Get some help because it won't get better on its, especially if only one is trying.

[ateague]

Do you think his mom BS has been getting to him?  There's a strong relationship between a mother and a son.  The nerve of her to get in between you and him, what kind of woman is she that she would want her son's marriage to end?!  I think you really need to sit down with him (and possibly her) and hash it out.  Whether it's his mom or whatever, it needs to be dealt with.  

PS - I wasn't accusing you of cheating and didn't mean to offend you.  Sorry if I did:)

[IWantToBeAMom]

When men have control issues and are possessive, the whirlwind romance is the typical way they do it.  It's been proven.  They have to hurry up and totally sweep you off your feet and hurry up and get married because they can't keep up their act.

He sounds really possessive.  You two should defintely still be in your newlywed smoochy phase, not him acting like this.  I fear it will only get worse unless you can get him into counceling.  And bringing a baby into the mix will not help.

Good luck!

[mrsc2005]

We really had wonderful dating experience. I had come out of  abad nine year relationship, and yes he swept me off my feet! i did not have a cell phone and i did not expect to be gone for 30 minutes. We got married after dating a year and ahalf, and NO I NEVER cheated on him!!  Actually even when we have had our breakups a time or two ( while dating) he went back to his son't mother. I know my husband is not cheating, unless he is seeing one of the guys he works with :), there is no time for it, and I would expect him to use the SAME RATIONAL THINKING. We are ttc, but his mom and I don't get a;ong very well and she ust left town stirring up BS, talking about she not sure I am the one for him, etc.....

[IWantToBeAMom]

By any chance did you two have a wonderful sweep-you-off-your-feet whirlwind relationship and then get married after only a few months of dating?

[oceans3]

yes, sometimes like ateague posted guys who accuse are in fact doing the things he is accusing you of.

do you have a cell phone? if so, you should have called him to say what was going on (or used a payphone). when you left the house, he thought you were going to get gas and come back. it took much longer and his thoughts were probably going crazy as to where you were. anything could have happened. he was probably worried. you know how you can get upset/concerned when you're worried and when he/she knows you're ok, it turns to anger? in my experience guys just arent that emotional/verbal (i know they are out there). maybe he's not the type to say..oh, honey, i was worried sick about you, where were you, i was thinking this happened to you and so on. they get angry. i think it will be ok. maybe just say, ya know i got thinking and i should have gave ya a quick call last night. sorry if i worried you but i was just trying to help w. the move. that might soften him up but i know its hard after the way he reacted.

[ateague]

Aren't you two ttc?  I maybe have you mixed up with someone else, but it is possible the whole ttc process is starting change his personality a little, maybe he's scared in some way.  If I have you totally mixed up with someone else, then there is something going on in his head.  I know you are absolutely positive he's not cheating, but that is a reaction some men have when they are in fact the ones cheating.  Did you and him have trust issues before you got married, did you cheat on him or vice versa?  Sometimes, people can't truly forgive when they are hurt by the ones they love, and the mistrust issues resurface later on in the marriage.  During the first couple of days when my husband and I were dating, he had sex with his ex-girlfriend of 5 years.  It broke my heart, even though we weren't serious yet and we were still casual dating, I did feel like it was a type of cheating.  I thought I forgave him, but it came back before we got married and I almost had to call it off with him because I couldn't stop thinking about it.  Now, I've come to terms with what happened and have moved on, but maybe there's something that won't let your husband move on yet.  Communication is huge in a marriage, don't go to sleep angry at each other.  If it takes prying his head open to figure out what he's really upset with, then that's what it takes.  You need to sit down with him and hash it out.  Either this, or it may require couple's counseling.  Don't give up on your marriage, it's just one of the bumps we encounter as wives.

[mrsc2005]

Thank you, i think. I appreciate your advice and will definetly look into counseling, I do love my husband but his insecurities are driving me crazy.

[waterskigirl]

How long have you been together?  I hate to say this but it sounds like he is going to become very controlling.  This can escalate and turn into verbal abuse and then physical abuse.  My aunt was in abusive marriage and he put her in the hospital more than once.  My cousins didn't even recognize her she was beaten so bad.  My advice to you is get counseling now!  If it doesn't get better, get out before you have too much time invested in this marriage!  And don't take his word for it if he swears he is going to change, it won't happen without counseling!