help need advise

Well you know me as yvonne15help well im pregant and me and boyfrined are having problems and we dont know what to do.He wants to go to tha army,but i kinda find that a way to get away from me and my umborn child.Dont get me wrong we love each other very much but we always fight and we dont trust each other at all and it really suck's and makes me be depressed.If any one can help plz give me some advise.And im only 15 years old and my boyfrined is 16

[Mandy725]

Well if he's only 16 he's still got another two years to go hon. So it's a ways away for you to be worrying so much. Have you talked to him? Perhaps he is considering the future and has been advised by someone that enlisting in the military would be the easiest way to provide for a family. I was in the military myself and know that a lot of people think that way. Has he mentioned enlisting so that he can live far away and not come home? If you feel he is being dishonest, or untrustworthy- talk to him. If you're going to have a child with him- then you need to be able to talk to him hon.

[yvonneishappy]

Yes i understand but like its the ARMY who say's hell come back to me ?He could die in the ARMY and i sure dont want that.And i try to talk to him but its like talking to a dog he doesnt lisen

[Mandy725]

I understand your concern. Really I do. But right now you're worried about something that MAY happen two years from now. When in reality there is nothing you can do about it, and it does no good to worry. You're causing your body uneccessary stress hon. You're worried about him getting deployed if he does go- trust me, that I  understand. I've been there. However, try and look at it this way. He's not in the Army yet. They won't take him for at least another 2 years, and that's IF he finishes high school and can pass the ASVAB and Basic Training. So you have another 2 whole years before you technically have to deal with this. By then your baby will be born and once he sees that little baby, he may change his mind about leaving. Or you may feel more secure in your relationship- and even better still if he chooses that he should enlist to take care of his family (you and your child) then in two years, maybe just maybe all the conflict overseas will be over and the risk of him being injured will be slim to none.

[yvonneishappy]

I just dont want him to go to the ARMY.I know im being selfish but i dont want him to be away from me and the baby.But if it mean's that much to him then i guess i really can't do nothing to stop him it's his choose not  mine's but i guess ima have to live with it like it or not

[Mandy725]

I know. :) And I wouldnt call it selfish necessarily. You have a child with this man, and you have a right to be worried he'll leave. I'm simply saying that right now, these are only ideas that he's having. He is not able to act on them for another two years. You're life could be very different in two years. He may change his mind once he sees the baby. He may die tomorrow walking down the street. Nothing is for sure, why worry about 2 years from now- when you have him right now?

[yvonneishappy]

That is true.But he all ready set his plan to go becuase his dad's in the army and his brother-in-law,there giving him advise on going and i sure dont want him to go but his family is telling him you should go you'll be able to retire at age 35 and you'll get paid good money.Yesterday we had a big fight about that had he goes.If i do go to the army what would you do.And i said illl move on the he said well might as well get a abortion and for get about me.I never felt that low befor i just walked away from him and took his car and drove home.Was that right for him to say somthing like that?

[Mandy725]

This may not make sense to you since you are very young, but I think the answer he was looking for when he asked what you would do - is that you'd be there, right by his side. Waiting with your child, no matter where he may get sent because you love him.

The fact that you told him if he left, you'd move on- I can kind've understand him thinking "well what's the point of me going through all of this if she's just gonna leave me?" Get my point? In HIS mind, if you're just going to leave him in a couple years, then WHY are you guys putting yourself through this now? He logically figures that if you dont plan to stick by him, through thick and thin- then it wont ultimately work out between the two of you.

It's hard because I know you're feeling like he could potentially abandon you when you need him. But TRY and put yourself in his shoes babe- he's offerring a solution that would financially provide for YOU and your child - he's asking you to support his choice in what's best for your family. He's the man and he's trying to be a MAN. Give him that much credit. He could be some ****** bag who didnt give a **** about having a career or medical insurance. Ya know? He might be really REALLY scared to get attached to his baby, knowing that if he does decide to enlist to financially provide a better life for his child- KNOWING that you'll just leave him and take his kid with you if he does. That kind've puts him between a rock and a hard place.

You're saying "Do what I want, or I'm leaving you" - that's all good an fine when it's just you- but you'll have his child and that's not really fair hon. He's giving you logical reasons why he wants to join the Army. He's not saying he wants to leave you- he's a young kid - just like you in an adult situation same as you, and he's trying to find a solution to make it work.

[Prego_Princess]

I'm giving you this advice from someone who had their child at 15.  I turn 21 on Sept 23 and my daughter turns 5 on Sept 13.  Being 15 and pregnant is not easy at all!  Believe me!  The stares that you get from people you don't know, looking at you like you're a wh*re because you are so young.  I was told this when I was pregnant myself, and I didn't believe this either, but here it is anyways.  The actually chances of you staying with this boy are slim to none.  The chances are even harder when you do not trust each other.  Don't get me wrong, you may be the odds, but it doesn't look good.  My child's father and I broke up while I was still pregnant with her.  I hate him so much at this time, and I know that I will ALWAYS hate him.  My only super good advice is to stay in school.  Concentrate on those books and get good grades.  Don't say you can't do it, because I gradutated salutatorian of my high school, and now have an Associates degree as a paralegal.  I wish you the best of luck in your adventure into motherhood, but be prepared for the ups and downs.  Don't get too depressed, it's VERY unhealthy for the baby as well.  

You'll be in the prays.  God bless.

[yvonneishappy]

Omg you guy's are so right i never saw it in that point of veiw = ) and i guess ima support him if he want to go to the ARMY.And i am going to finsh school im finshing school in my jr. year so that will be next year cause im a softmor.Well thanks so much for the advise you guy's helped me alot = ) god bless you all = )

[Mandy725]

That's great :) I'm glad you able to see another side. As I said, I know it's hard because of the position your in and feeling so vulnerable. The poster above me has good intentions, and she's RIGHT. Focus on finishing whatever school you can. The more education you have, the better you will be able to support your child financially.

But as far as your chances of making it long term with your babys father- don't listen to that. Don't listen to that at all. Please take that from someone older and with a LOT more relationship expeirence than the both of you. Okay? Those were her expeirences - they don't have to be yours. It's true a lot of high school relationships don't last. They don't last becuase typically teenagers do not yet have the communication skills that are necessary to maintain a lasting relationship. For example, it's because youre YOUNG that you did not see what I immediately saw- his side. Not what he actually said, but what he WOULD have said had he been older and more expeirenced in relationships and communication.

Many teenagers don't make it through a fight like that. With one taking off in the others car. Do you see what I mean? It's not because you are not CAPABLE of making the relationship work, you just need the skills - when you're angry or you feel hurt by something...take a deep breath, take time to calm down - then TALK about it. You were scared that he would abandon you with a baby. You were feeling vulnerable. Identify those feelings and tell him exactly that. Say "Im feeling very vulnerable and afraid you wont come back and I love you and dont want to lose you" - rather than getting defensive and threatening to leave him first.

Don't yell or name call or be mean. Your boyfriend is your friend also right?  (I would hope so) Would you yell and scream at a friend if they hurt your feelings? Most of us wouldnt. So dont yell at him. If he does or says something that hurts you- ask yourself "Do I think he MEANT to hurt me?" or "Is he doing it to **** me off?" if the answer is No... let it go. It's not worth fighting over babe. It's really not. If the answer is YES, then you need to revaluate your relationship because youre with someone that doesnt have basic respect or consideration for you.  

Only you and your boyfriend can be the ones to decide whether you make it or not. But she is right about what she said about trust. You really have to work on that. Otherwise, no amount of talking will save your relationship. Try and look into yourself and ask yourself if your trust issues are a result of past relationships or if they are issues that you have within yourself. Such as : Are you insecure or feel that you are not as attractive/ thin, etc as other people and worry he may cheat? Or are these based on his behaviors?

[yvonneishappy]

Well when we get in a fight we say thing's to each that we dont mean well i do.I try to see it on his point of veiw.And i do understand what you mean.I pray to god that me and jacob (boyfriend) dont end up like how that girl did i mean lady.The reason why i dont trust him is beacuse i think he can do sooooooo much better then me like this is girl talk rite her ok???OMG HE IS SOOOO FINE LIKE OMG YOU DONT KNOW HOW FINE HE IS LIKE OMG LOL well better looking girl's go after him and i get scared cause he might you know see one better then me like dont get me wrong yeah people say im pretty well yeah i am pretty but he can do better you know what i mean?well i dont know its hard for a 15 year old to maintain with his boyfriend cuz of all the haters out ther welll idk what should i do?

[Mandy725]

No, I know what you mean. Why do you think he can do "better" than you? It sounds like you're a little insecure. Most people are. And I know what you mean about it sucks but it's cool when your man is way fine. Trust me. I only date super hot guys and some of them have had super hot ex girlfriends and get hit on alot. The guy Im with now - is very sexy and he has a high profile job, where women do things like hit on him, and flash him and that kind've thing. I've seen pictures of his ex girlfriends and they are pretty girls. I'm by no means ugly, I get hit on ALL the time- stared at all the time, guys trip over themselves to open doors for me that kind've thing. But when you see pictures of old girlfriends or see other women that are attracted to your man- you can't help but wonder if he liked their bodies better/ or if he compares you inside his head.

Let me tell you, we women give men too much credit when it comes to stuff like that. He may for like a nano-second think some woman has a nice butt or whatever. But when it boils down to it, when you're there in front of him- naked, whatever. He's STOKED. He doesn't see you the way you see yourself. He thinks to his self "holy **** this is great Im gonna get some, yessss!" He's so excited to get some booty he's not going "Omg look at that fat around her knees."

This may or may not help you, but this is how I deal with that whenever I worry that I'm not as pretty or whatever compared to them. I remember- that he is with ME not THEM. So if they were that effing great, he'd be with them right? I remind myself that my boyfriend is hot, and so am I. I'm hot. And if a hot guy is with You, then you are Hot. No hot guy would be caught dead with an ugly chick right? As mean as it sounds, you and I both know the way the world works. Ugly people date ugly people and hot people date hot people. So YOU Yvonne, MUST be hot. Not that Im suggesting you determine your self worth / hotness based on some guy and whether he likes you or not. But it's a fact, attractive people are attracted to other attractive people. If you think he's hot, and he's with you- then it stands to reason that he finds you equally as attractive. If you two break up, then I'd bet my life that you find some other guy, just as hot as you think Jacob is.

Just because you think another woman has a better body than you, does NOT mean she's better overall. She may be effing crazy!!!! Like psycho! I can tell you for a FACT that my boyfriends exes are beautiful but they are flat freaking psycho! Like harrass you, shot out his window, slashed his tires after they broke up crazy. She used to HIT him and was rude to his parents. He told me, that Yea, she has big boobs- but during sex she used to just lay there and it wasnt fun. Point being, youre comparing yourself to these women superficially. You dont know what kind of people they are. You dont know that they are good people, worthy of being jealous of. She may be a really bad person.

Jacob is with you because he loves you. Because you're a good person and he has fun with you. It is your responsibility to be a good girlfriend. It is his job to be a good boyfriend. The only ones that are giong to determine your future are the two of you. It does not matter how other other chicks are, if you and Jacob are working together to keep your relationship strong- then he will ignore them. He will. He may notice them, because he's a man and men notice attractive women- you cant help that. But it is Jacobs job to be respectful of you at the same time. By not staring or making rude comments, understand? You say that you say mean things when you fight- why? Because you're hurting and you want him to hurt right? Im sure you dont need me to tell you this, but that's not accomplishing anything. Fighting and name calling is the quickest way to end a relationship. Name call and treat him without respect and your setting him up to end the relationship. He'll end it with you, and find someone who doesnt yell at him over what you yell at him over.

Now the trick here is, I'm not telling you not to argue, or stand up for yourself or he'll leave you. Not at all. The key is: PICK YOUR BATTLES. Before you get angry, and react over something and name call or yell. Stop, breathe- and ask yourself:

Did he just say / do that to hurt me on purpose?
Or Did he say / do that becuase I may have just said / done something that hurt his feelings?

Most people, unless they are total jerks dont go around being mean and saying hurtful things. 9 times out of 10 when they say something hurtful- in their minds they are REACTING to something they feel you have said/ done to them that hurt them. So they instinctively hurt back. Understand? So try and be like, okay well that really hurt my feelings - why did you say that? Then more than likely he'll say "because you yadda yadda yadda" .. then you can talk and explain that you didnt mean to hurt him and my guess he'll apologize the same. If he doesnt he's a ca ca head. lol

As far as haters go.. I know what you mean. We've got a few of them that can't seem to get over my boyfriend and I - but I just sit back and LAUGH at them. Think about it, what is missing from their lives that they have nothing else to do but worry about what you and Jacob are doing? Seriously. Don't worry about them. Just laugh and feel sorry for them cause they are stupid. They are trick b****es who are JEALOUS of what YOU have and have nothing else to do than try and ruin the happiness of other people. You dont ever want to envy someone like that. Focus, on being a good girlfriend- someone that Jacob can talk too have fun with and enjoys getting busy with. Dont let other people determine the course of your relationship. If you create a happy relationship with Jacob- then it doesnt matter what those other people say or do. He wont listen.

Worst case and you do all you can to make it work and you guys break up and / or he cheats or something. Then he's a jerk that didnt deserve you in the first place. Sorry, but it's true. Dont cry over someone who isnt crying over you in that case.

[yvonneishappy]

I never though of any of that how you are saying it.And ok the most hurtfull thing happen to me like yesterday.Jacob went to his friends house and there was his ex i fucken hate her anyways as i was saying she was there too and that ***** had the nerv to KISS Jacob i was so mad Jacob told me that he pushed her off and i got all up set and stared to talk **** to jacob.And he was sad saying it wasnt my falt.Now i grt what you mean i shouldnt care about then other females at all.I try to be a good girl for him but it comes down to a point when i cant handle all this at all.

[Mandy725]

Yikes! Man. Maybe this is the wrong thing to say to you, but I would have knocked her friggin' teeth in. But you're pregnant, and violence is never really the answer. Good for Jacob though. See, I told you? Also, as much as is ticked you off to hear that too, be grateful that Jacob is honest enough and a good man to tell you himself - rather than let someone else tell you and make it seem all shady, ya know? So give him that. Just be like, I'm glad you pushed her off you- thank you for telling me. If you scream and yell at him for what SHE did, if he did nothing to encourage it, then the only thing you'd be doing is just teaching him that next time some stupid girl does that- he wont tell you so he doesnt have to hear you yell.

Perhaps out of respect for you, Jacob should find out ahead if these exes are going to be at his friends' house and avoid them if possible?

Okay, so in order for you to feel better about the situation and not lose your mind, or upset your health- what is it that you NEED to happen to feel more secure in the relationship with Jacob? What do you need him to do or NOT do to feel at ease? If it's reasonable, ask him. Flat out ask him. No B.S. just say Baby, I think I'd feel better if you did this, can you do that? Like, is it possible for his buddies to come over his house instead? That way he still hangs out with his friends, but she wont be around. Be very careful when asking something like that, because depending on how you ask it can sound like you're trying to be controlling or boss him around like his mom. Guys hate that. But if he's going to go do something that makes you uncomfortable. Say how you feel. You should never be afraid to do that. But just be careful that you're not being accusing. Like, try not to sound like you dont want him to go cause you're afraid he'll cheat on you. Even though we know that's why you dont want him to go. lol.

Because even if a man had no intention of cheating on you, if you punish him for it- when he's not doing it. Some get pushed to the point where they figure, well if she's going to accuse me and I'm getting yelled at for it- I might as well do it.

Also, constantly being afraid a man will cheat shows youre insecure- and men dont like that. They want a woman who is self confident. Sure of hersefl. Confidence is sexy! But we're real people. Confidence isnt always easy to have, my advice: Fake it til you make it. If you feel insecure, act like you are totally fine. That's what I do, at work- everywhere. If Im meeting a new client or business partner, and Im nervous- I laugh and smile real big and joke until Im not nervouse anymore. I FAKE it til I make it. :) If those girls are around and you feel insecure or your having a bad hair day and you look like **** in comparison, Smile and laugh and act like you dont even notice those girls. Even if you look awful and are barfing- walk with your head up and a walk like you are the shiz nit. the more you do that, the more you will feel confident. The more you act like, "even pregnant and barfing in my pajamas Im still a better woman, and I still got the man you want" - the more you will start to FEEL that change and it will reflect even more. Those women are intimidated by you already. Give those biz natches a run for their money. They dont have what it takes to keep Jacob happy. YOU DO. So screw them.

If he's going out with his buddies and you're worried some hoochies are gonna be there. Be like, "Okay bummer, I was looking forward to watching a movie with you / hanging out with you tonight but I UNDERSTAND your friends are just as important to you as I am, so go have fun! I trust you and I know you know how much I love you so will you just text/ call me when you get home so I know you made it home safe?"

I promise that will work. He'll be like "wow she didnt get mad" and he'll go hang out with his friends, but the whole time he'll think it's so cool you didnt give him ****. More than likely, he'll rush back home and call you. But dont make it sound like your his mommy wanting him to 'check in'. Plus, by reminding him in a CASUAL way how much you love him- will be good in case there are other chicks around. If you two leave on a good note, he's less likely to be tempted by some other girl. Or at the very least feel too guilty talking to her after you just reminded him how MUCH you love him. KNow what I mean? With men, I swear it's all in how you say it. Act upset and they freak out and wont do what you want. Act nice and sweet and as if you dont care, even if you do - and they do exactly what you want. For example, If I used to ask my boyfriend where he was. He'd be like "Out". Um,,, thanks. Not exactly the answer I was looking for right? haha. But if you ask differently, you get a more complete answer. Like if you text "Whatcha doing?" or "Having fun?"  and leave it at that, you'll get all the info you need. So if you ask him if he's having fun, he'll probably say "Yes..." and if you say "cool, well just wanted you to know that I love you" he'll be like holy **** she didnt grill me- and he'll confess where he is what he's doing withouth you even having to ask. The less you probe, the more info he'll fess up on his own. Men are soooooo easy to figure out!!! haha.


For the record, I'm not trying to pretend that I know how you should live your life. Howver, I have a LOT of younger sisters- One just turned 16. One is 12 and the other is 8. Plus I have one who is 26. So they come to me for advice alot and I just know how haters are anyhow. Freaking drama everywhere and some trick b*tches are always trying to get on my little sisters man. I've had to step in a few times and tell them to back off her man. So I'm not too old or out of date to know how teenagers go. Do you mind if I ask if you're able to talk to your Mom about this hon? I'm sure she can offer you some very sound advice. She's older than me and Im sure she knows WAY more than me ...

[yvonneishappy]

that is so true.Wow you are right well my mom lives in t.x so i dont get to see her alot or talk to her.Well its so hard for me to not fight wih him.cuase he says like stupides things. like this moring he txted me saying "yvonne im sorry i dont trust you" and like i didnt do anything wrong i never talk to other guys only girls and he thinks ima cheat and i was like i have yor kid why would i do somthing like that you know?idk what to do anymore like idk im so stressed out = / omg like can i give you my number so when i need advise from some one i can txt you or sum thing i know i dont know you but i feel conforable talkin to you

[Mandy725]

Of course you can. lol. Or maybe, if you feel safer just sending me your myspace url that way you don't have whackos calling you. Your Myspace you can block any unwanted emails/ Friend requests. I would post mine for you but I can't becuase of my work. But if you send me your URL I'll send you an email and you'll know that Im not some weird 40 year old man. haha. That way I can also give you a yahoo Instant messenger screen name for you to contact me if you just need to talk. For the record, not that I wont talk to you if you need to talk to someone, but I'd like to point out that it's just as easy to talk to your mom in TX as it is me here in NV. Ya know? :) I'm just saying... not trying to give you ****- but that's what Mom's are for hon. But either way, you can contact me if you want.

As far as what Jacob said about trusting you. HOW did he say it? Did he say it like, flat out - he doesnt trust you? Or was he apologizing for not trusting you? Like, what I mean is : Did he say it meaning like "Yvonne, I'm sorry that I don't trust you" or "I'm sorry but I dont trust you"?

Cause that will make a difference.

Either way, you need to work on building trust. Flat out ask him, what behaviors you're doing that make him feel that he can't trust you. Sit down and talk with him. Identify what his issues are. Are you overly flirty? Maybe he knows that you're attractive and is worried that men will hit on you the same you're worried women will hit on him? Or maybe you just need to consider the fact that he's insecure- just like you. You may think he's hot, just like he thinks your hot. But maybe he feels like you can do better than him and he's worried. Dont assume that men arent insecure the way women are. If he's insecure, remember he's dealing with the fact that if he loses you- he also loses a huge part of his kid too. So he's going to be super on gaurd, ya know?