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im only 21..why do i hate sex now

so me and my fiance have been together for 5 years now and are about to get married in the summer..but my problem is about a year after we had our little girl i just simply became uninterested in having sex..it  like almost to the posint makes me totally diskusted in my self and him afterwards.. and dont get me wrong i love him soo much its not even funny n cannot see myself being without him..but i dont know what to do here..im not atracted to him in bed as of right now. when he wants it for one its always bad timing and he puts absolutely no effort into it except for already being upstairs laying in b ed naked n calls me up ..im alkways stressed..we are both home on unemployment right now so we are around eachother 24/7 and i dont want to loose him..he gets sooooo mad when i say no he wont even talk to me the rest of the night...i was molested for ten years of my life so i know that may have an impact now..but we used to have sex atleast once a day n loved it. and before i met chris i kindof loved sex a little too much in my teen year.s.  now its almost like he grosses me out..like for one i hate bad breath n hes a bad kisser and he just tries to makeout with me and i dont know how many time i can tell him to just brush his teeth without being as total *****. and i dont know he just kindof let himself go over the past 2 years but hes never been the prettyest but thats didnt matter because i loved his personality but now hes just a rude lazy ******* so why should i want to.. i want to marry him but i dont know how i can change this..im sick of feeling like crap because im not interested..i mean even looking at porn or anything sexual does not turn me on anymore..any suggestions
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134578 tn?1693250592
COMMUNITY LEADER
Well, I'd say, you're tired and wrung out (taking care of a child is hard work, no matter how you slice it).  Neither of you is getting tons of exciting job offers at the moment, which can only add to your background worry.  You've had the experience in your life of associating sex with pain and abuse, while he is thinking at least sex is a break from the existential worry and stress of daily living.  He (like a lot of men) does not realize that women need more of a warmup than just the sight of the guy expectantly lying on the bed naked, not to mention appreciating a sweet fresh mouth and pleasant kissing technique.  To add to everything else, your hormones are AWOL, something that can indeed happen after childbirth for a while.

I used to tell my husband that if he ever wanted to see me get horny, all he needed to do was say, "Hey, honey, you look beat.  Why don't you give me the baby and we'll go to the park and then drop by and see my mom, and you just sit on the couch and read a magazine or get a snooze or a bath."  Then he in this fantasy world would change the baby, dress him correctly for the weather, pack the diaper bag properly, fill a couple of bottles and pack them, and cheerfully go, not coming back for a long time.  Then he would come back and cheerfully play with the baby for a while, and give him his dinner.  I'd be so amazed, and would feel a huge rush of love for such a fantastic guy.  

What's real about this fantasy is the desire to have the man you love, know enough about the things you have to do and deal with, that he can sympathetically and supportively join in.  If your man is not showing that sympathetic and active interest and ability to take on some of what you're taking on, no wonder your libido has reset itself at zero.

All I can say is, my marriage's ups and downs can be charted by the ups and downs we have had financially.  When things are better jobwise, we sort of accidentally discover that things are better in our relationship too.  Worry over money can sure shadow everything else.

Don't know if you can talk to him about any of this, but you could try.  
Helpful - 0
1548028 tn?1324612446
Well, first I will start by saying I really do understand.  I have been married for 20 yrs this May.  I think you are getting older and more mature.  Once you have a child things change and you start to look at things different.  Love can mean a lot of different things.  He has been there for you and you have a child so the good thing is you do love him for many reasons and probably always will.  Sometimes they just don't get that having sex isn't just about having sex anymore.  When you have a child and responsibility you get more tired and your life evolves around the child.  But, men still have the need sometimes to have life evolve around them.  The questions is do you want this for the rest of your life?  Doesn't mean you don't love him but are you wanting to feel this way, maybe forever?  It is not fair for you not to be happy and loved the way you want to be loved.  It is also not fair to him to not find someone who loves him the way he wants to be loved.  Sounds like you are getting to know yourself better and have dealt with the past the older you are getting.  It's not your fault, it just happens.  One life and the life we have should be a happy one.  I have always said to my husband that he is my best friend and if ever we become unhappy i would love him enough to let him go and I would be forever grateful of how understanding he has been to me.  I wish you the best in whatever your decision.
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