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in desperate need of support
Ok, I guess the only reason I am telling this story is I need some unbiased support. I have been so used to second guessing my own feelings the past year and a half that I don't know up from down sometimes anymore. My engagement ended very abruptly the other night with a cruel twist of fate; the night I picked up my dress. We got into an argument which was stupid and I told him I didn't want to fight. I fell asleep on the couch and I guess he stayed up drinking. I was awoken about an hour later by him jokingly squirting me with a water bottle to wake me up. I told him to stop and he did it again. Then I told him to leave me alone and I was going to bed. I didn't know he was behind me and he thought I slammed the door in his face. So he opened the door and came at me in a way that made me think that he was going to hit me. Instead, he got a crazed, psychotic look on his face and poured the water all over me. The first time he did it it was all over my face and I was in shock. Then he told me to get the "dumb" look off my face. (He had never been mentally abusive really before) and I asked him if he was crazy and he said I was stupid. Then he squirted me with the water again, this time all over my shirt. This may sound weird but when he was squirting the water he might as well have been hitting me. Then I was so in shock I had to leave and he thought I was walking out on him so he told me to give him back the ring. I was just dumbfounded, I didn't know what to say. Then he pinned me up against the door and told me he would "break my f&&@ing finger if he had to" and ripped the ring off so hard he tore skin and I have a big gash on my finger. I immediately called my parents and headed to their house and he stood on the front lawn waving goodbye to me. I just couldn't believe it. Now, he is calling me all the time telling me I am his life and he can't live without me he is so sorry, you know all the cliche things. But I won't lie I miss him so much and I am trying so hard to be strong but his words feel good and I just want to come running back so bad. Then yesterday I found out he did this to his ex-fiance and the girlfriend before that he beat up so bad she ended up in the hospital. I am just at a loss and I can't eat or sleep. My life has done a 180 in three days.I guess I just need some opinions outside of the situation. He is acting like all we need to do is talk it out then we will be fine. I haven't flat out said that the wedding is off and moved out partly because I'm afraid of what he will do. Do I owe it to him to talk about anything? Or do I get my s@#t and run for my life? The wedding is supposed to be in two months and I feel evil for doing this even thought logically I know I shouldn't. He thinks we will just talk and sort through it all. I let my emotions get the best of me Saturday and I called him and told him how much I missed him and he was so apologetic and sympathetic and kept telling me how much he loved me. I just don't know how to handle this. I think it is so unfair that he literally rips the ring off my finger and I am put in the position to be the bad guy and break his heart and call off the wedding. My heart feels like it is literally breaking. Please help me I need wise words.
My two cents and personal experience:
I have been in a few abusive relationships and, looking back, I realize there were warning signs I ignored. Alcohol doesn't "make" anyone do anything - it just lowers inhibitions.
My ex-husband progressively got more and more violent and I found myself a single mother with two small children and a lacerated spleen 7 years later. I should have seen the warning signs (like the crazed look in his eyes, the threats, punching the walls, etc.). Things just escalated and I just learned to tolerate more and more until I couldn't take it anymore (he was trying to choke me to death in front of our 1 and 4 year old children).
Many people change after the wedding too - not "trying" anymore, feeling the other spouse is "property", isolating the spouse from friends and families, etc. The intimacy of relationships can have downsides too.
If you are unsure enough to post this question then you know the answer. It's easier to break it off now than it would be after the wedding (and children, and joint property, and a mortgage . . . ).
You might want to talk to a domestic violence hotline. You would be shocked how many of us have been through it.
I have been in a few abusive relationships and, looking back, I realize there were warning signs I ignored. Alcohol doesn't "make" anyone do anything - it just lowers inhibitions.
My ex-husband progressively got more and more violent and I found myself a single mother with two small children and a lacerated spleen 7 years later. I should have seen the warning signs (like the crazed look in his eyes, the threats, punching the walls, etc.). Things just escalated and I just learned to tolerate more and more until I couldn't take it anymore (he was trying to choke me to death in front of our 1 and 4 year old children).
Many people change after the wedding too - not "trying" anymore, feeling the other spouse is "property", isolating the spouse from friends and families, etc. The intimacy of relationships can have downsides too.
If you are unsure enough to post this question then you know the answer. It's easier to break it off now than it would be after the wedding (and children, and joint property, and a mortgage . . . ).
You might want to talk to a domestic violence hotline. You would be shocked how many of us have been through it.
I can only imagine how reassuring everyone is for you. I only wish I had this forum when I had to leave my ex boyfriend, I don't think it would have been so scary. I didnt have anyone reassuring me that his treatment was wrong, I had to come to the conclusion on my own.
that burning, knawing sensation deep inside your tummy is the abuse. its the feeling that something is very wrong. and when you leave tomorrow, that feeling is going to stop I promise you. the other thing that is going to stop is him hurting you, and now its time for you to begin to heal.
abusers never change, and sometimes it takes a very hard lesson for them to learn, a lesson that they can't treat anyone badly and get away with it. this is the only way your soon to be ex will learn. trust me.
he is going to have a lot of time to think about what he did, and he's going to know he was wrong. but if you don't leave, he will never learn.
that burning, knawing sensation deep inside your tummy is the abuse. its the feeling that something is very wrong. and when you leave tomorrow, that feeling is going to stop I promise you. the other thing that is going to stop is him hurting you, and now its time for you to begin to heal.
abusers never change, and sometimes it takes a very hard lesson for them to learn, a lesson that they can't treat anyone badly and get away with it. this is the only way your soon to be ex will learn. trust me.
he is going to have a lot of time to think about what he did, and he's going to know he was wrong. but if you don't leave, he will never learn.
Sweetie these women are so right. You can not live like that. There was another movie on Lifetime with Valerie Bertanelli. It is old, but anyway, her sister was dating this dentist and he seemed like a knight in shining armor. So sweet, such a gentleman, always polite to her and her family. It was all a rouse he used to gain control. The minute they were married it was like Jekyl and Hyde. She wound up getting pregnant and after him beating her over and over, he wound up killing her. There are so many movies out there like this...based on true stories of women who are victims of domestic violence. It doesn't get better, it just gets worse. He will start controlling evey aspect of your life. From what you wear, to who you spend time with. He will start cutting out your friends and family so that you have nothing left but him. So you are dependant on him and you couldn't possibly leave him. He will take away your self-esteem and your self-worth, which sounds like he's already done a lot of that already. How can you live your life when it's based on waiting to see how he's going to be when he gets home. Your feelings and emotions can not revolve around this man. You are a strong woman, you left him, that takes strength and courage to do. He's going to do everything in his power to get you back, but it's not love, it's control. Take the control back from him, you will be fine without him. Don't feel sorry for him because he sure didn't feel sorry for you when he was tossing water in your face and slamming you into the wall to rip the ring off your finger. He's a walking, ticking, time bomb and if it's like this before the wedding imagine after when he will feel like he owns you. You will become his property. Not a fairy tale marriage to say the least. Please be strong...it would be a shame to see you give up your power. Good luck and if you need help we are all here for you.
He sounds like every boyfriend I ever had from the time I was 17-23. Which basically means, controlling, immature, childish, selfish, juvenile, lazy, no good, .....need I go on? I am guessing he and you are young? He sounds completely immature, it makes him feel more like a man to make you feel like less of a person. No woman, especially you deserves to be stuck with someone like that. It will hurt to leave him, but time heals a broken heart. Move on. Focus on yourself and live a happy healthy life, and find a happy healthy relationship. Never settle for some guy. I am married now for 6 years to a terrific man. We have a little girl and I would never ever in a million years want her to be treated the way I was by the creeps I dated in the past. Think of it that way.
good luck.
good luck.
Definatly abusive. He has severe issue that won't resolve in 2 months, (or by your wedding day.) You have to figure out if this relationship is worth saving, but you should not try to save it if he refuses help. You also have to ask yourself some questions like, 'Can i be w/someone who beat up an ex girlfriend so bad that she had to be hospitilized?' It's very difficult. I also suggest you postpone this wedding. It's cheaper emotionally and will save you the costs of a divorce. It's very hard for men like this to change, not impossible, but difficult. It absolutely cannot be done in 2 months! Right now he has a distorted view on love and respect. Forget about breaking his heart, because he broke yours the moment he threatened you. If he can't meet your guidelines or expectations of a relationship then you let go. I know it's comfortable and you will miss the "good" times, but your safety and life is on the line at this point. I pray that you will be blessed w/the strength and courage to do what is right,even if it means ending this relationship.
He definitely drinks a lot, thats for sure. Alcohol escalates it but he does have a bad temper. It is so hard for me right now because his words are soothing to me. I can't go back to him and scare the people that love me most but I am dealing with an incredibly powerful force. He has a hold over me like you wouldn't believe. I feel like my life is ending. It's not that we haven't had problems before, this is the first time he has gotten physical with me. But we have gotten into fights where he did horrible things like lock me out of the house, one time he left me at a bar all alone for what seemed to me like no reason.
It sounds like you are afraid to leave him. Has he said that he would do something to either you or himself if you leave? If that is the case, I wouldn't be alone with him. It really sounds like he needs to get some help before he hurts someone again, or even worse, kills someone.
I'm sorry for your pain.
I know it hurts. I have been in situations which such jerks as well. They always say they aresorry, it will never happen again, they love you, cant live without you. Like you said, it's all the same cliche **** you see on a movie on Lifetime channel.
Moving on is tough and it takes guts. But you already had enough guts to leave, dont take him back. If I had gone back with the guy I was supposed to marry one of us wouldn't be on the planet any longer. He was very unpredictable.
Do yourself a favor. Pat yourself on the back and say "good for me". You did the right thing. There's someone right for you, someone who will treat you with respect.
But it's not this guy. With his track record, he isn't right for anyone.
It's not your responsibility to fix this guy. Time to move on.
Z
I know it hurts. I have been in situations which such jerks as well. They always say they aresorry, it will never happen again, they love you, cant live without you. Like you said, it's all the same cliche **** you see on a movie on Lifetime channel.
Moving on is tough and it takes guts. But you already had enough guts to leave, dont take him back. If I had gone back with the guy I was supposed to marry one of us wouldn't be on the planet any longer. He was very unpredictable.
Do yourself a favor. Pat yourself on the back and say "good for me". You did the right thing. There's someone right for you, someone who will treat you with respect.
But it's not this guy. With his track record, he isn't right for anyone.
It's not your responsibility to fix this guy. Time to move on.
Z
No, right now he is being very loving with me but I feel like it is a ticking timebomb; his patience with me will run out. I am afraid to leave him. I am scared to death.
Of course anyone can change but they have to want to first, so maybe if u want to try & wk things out w/him he'd go get help w/ his drinking habits! Drinks & Anger are just a bad combo. I know u must feel so unsure of everything at the moment, but from the sounds of it the drinking may have alot to do w/it. SO i'd start there if he's unwilling well theres your sign & u wouldn't have to feel like the bad one either cause u tried :)
I think it sounds like you love him and think to yourself, maybe he can get over this with my help.
Maybe he can, but i wouldn't get married this soon, I would definitly wait and make him seek counseling if he really loves/cares for you and wants your and his relationship to work. And u could gradually go from there. Or it may not work at all considering the anger problem you said he has.....& if the dranking makes it worse, don't be around him if he continues to drank. That's only a suggestion if you truely want to try and work this out.
Or you can take the other posters advice and get the h*ll away!
Good luck!
Maybe he can, but i wouldn't get married this soon, I would definitly wait and make him seek counseling if he really loves/cares for you and wants your and his relationship to work. And u could gradually go from there. Or it may not work at all considering the anger problem you said he has.....& if the dranking makes it worse, don't be around him if he continues to drank. That's only a suggestion if you truely want to try and work this out.
Or you can take the other posters advice and get the h*ll away!
Good luck!
What I keep hearing is that you are afraid of him. Please go somewhere where you feel safe. Make sure someone you trust knows what is going on. If he has trouble with anger or alcoholism you can not rationalize with him. Is there someone else who could talk to him that you think he will listen to? Maybe that person can make him realize he needs help.
I'm so sorry sweetie. You are too young for this, and you are def. too young to throw your life away for something that isn't going to make you happy.
Jjety says talk is cheap, (and she's right), and I say,
actions speak louder than words.
they always do and in this case they are. to me his actions speak louder than the words he speaks now. he is an abuser, I'd say mostly provoked when drinking as he feels so remorseful.
I lived with an abuser, and it didn't matter if he was drinking or not, it was always bad and he was never sorry.
I totally understand why you are so scared to leave. I was too, it absolutely consumed me. trying to think of a way to tell him I wanted to go, thinking of how you'll get your stuff out of there and hopefully he doesnt flip out and really hurt you.
if you do it, just make sure you have people with you and it will be fine.
as far as staying with him goes, that's up to you girl, but wow you are incredibly smart and also very strong because most women would just sweep this under the carpet but you know its wrong. we both know you are not the kind of woman to just look the other way.
big hug punkybear, everything's gonna be okay.
Jjety says talk is cheap, (and she's right), and I say,
actions speak louder than words.
they always do and in this case they are. to me his actions speak louder than the words he speaks now. he is an abuser, I'd say mostly provoked when drinking as he feels so remorseful.
I lived with an abuser, and it didn't matter if he was drinking or not, it was always bad and he was never sorry.
I totally understand why you are so scared to leave. I was too, it absolutely consumed me. trying to think of a way to tell him I wanted to go, thinking of how you'll get your stuff out of there and hopefully he doesnt flip out and really hurt you.
if you do it, just make sure you have people with you and it will be fine.
as far as staying with him goes, that's up to you girl, but wow you are incredibly smart and also very strong because most women would just sweep this under the carpet but you know its wrong. we both know you are not the kind of woman to just look the other way.
big hug punkybear, everything's gonna be okay.
What everyone is saying is right. He needs to admit that he and alcohol don't mix and give it up. Forever.
If things are this way now, just wait until after you are married. I promise you things will be 1000 times worse than they are right now. Right now he's on his "good" behavior because he knows you can leave him. After you're married he'll let his guard down and show his true colors. Take it from the girl in the hospital, unless he can get help and stop drinking, you'll end up with the same story.
You sound like you have a very loving & caring family. Lean on them to get you through these hard times. At the very least postpone the wedding and accept nothing less than him getting help (not just saying he will, either, but actually going).
If things are this way now, just wait until after you are married. I promise you things will be 1000 times worse than they are right now. Right now he's on his "good" behavior because he knows you can leave him. After you're married he'll let his guard down and show his true colors. Take it from the girl in the hospital, unless he can get help and stop drinking, you'll end up with the same story.
You sound like you have a very loving & caring family. Lean on them to get you through these hard times. At the very least postpone the wedding and accept nothing less than him getting help (not just saying he will, either, but actually going).
Of course he is going to say that to you, because you are the one thing in his life he thinks he can control. Can you call his parents? Somebody needs to help you so he gets the message.
I feel like I need to detox, like off of a drug or something. This relationship has literally controlled every single one of my moods for the past year and a half. And that is not an exaggeration. If he was ignoring me, I felt desperate. If he was loving me, I felt ecstatic, and if we were fighting I was angry. We barely had any neutral times. I was constantly worried about how he felt and where our relationship stood. The ironic thing is he always told me that I needed to relax, but I have never been like this so it had to be something he was doing.
honestly a year and a half of being together is not that long. i dont think (and its only being based soley on your post)that you are totally dependent on him. you sound very insecure and have low self-confidence. when are you going to get that confidence for yourself? i think now would be an opportune time dont you? the others were/are right in that he is on his good boy behavior right now because you are not married just yet. he's soo sorry, he loves you, he wont do it again. isnt that what you long to hear? you my friend, are in for a rude awakening if you get back with him and carry on with the wedding plans. he gave you a heads up, a sampling, a taste of what is to come if you stay. that's when the abusiveness and control will really kick in (no pun intended). be glad he warned you. at least he gave you that.
it almost sounded as if he was looking for a reason to end the relationship the way he went about it all when he sprayed and dumped the water. like he wanted you to go. listen, at least you havent spent like 5 yrs plus with him. you invested a year and a half. not too much out of your life but enough to learn from it. use it as a stepping stone for your next relationship. be strong this time. you have the support and it will get easier only with time. try hard not to take his calls and so on. he will only try to manipulate you. dont let him. i hope you listen to all of this advice you have been given. you asked, and i dont think anyone here was/is going to say go back to him. he is not worthy of you and we are a smart bunch of woman so listen to us...not him!
it almost sounded as if he was looking for a reason to end the relationship the way he went about it all when he sprayed and dumped the water. like he wanted you to go. listen, at least you havent spent like 5 yrs plus with him. you invested a year and a half. not too much out of your life but enough to learn from it. use it as a stepping stone for your next relationship. be strong this time. you have the support and it will get easier only with time. try hard not to take his calls and so on. he will only try to manipulate you. dont let him. i hope you listen to all of this advice you have been given. you asked, and i dont think anyone here was/is going to say go back to him. he is not worthy of you and we are a smart bunch of woman so listen to us...not him!
He just sent me a tex message that said he told his mother everything and she said i can talk to her if I want to. Like she is some magic cure? She was always nasty to me! She created this monster. He can do no wrong in her eyes and she does everything for him. I can only imagine what she would tell me, that he just has a temper, doesn't mean it, I have been so good for him, all stuff I heard from her before when he left me at the bar. My parents are hiring a truck to move my stuff out tomorrow and I haven't talked to him yet. I feel guilty moving out from underneath him. I am in shambles right now. I am ignoring him and it is killing me to do that. He keeps sending me messages that he can't take this anymore, he is going insane, he needs to hear from me. I want to wake up from this nightmare.
okay, then come here and write to us. DO NOT text message him. i know its killing you and you want the attention. even though this relationship is toxic, its like you still want to hear what he has to say and man, doesnt the "making up words" sound good? no. they are only temporary until he does it again and he will. you know he will because i hear it in your tone. forget his mother. he's just trying to find someone to side with him. he's looking for help to get you back because he cant do it on his own. this is between you and him. not her. its not her business. be an example for other woman in bad relationships. again, dont respond to him. come here and talk.
where do you live? lucylocket can hold him down while i scratch his eyes out!!!
where do you live? lucylocket can hold him down while i scratch his eyes out!!!
Thank you. I know if a friend or my sister was in this situation I would be terrified. For some sick reason I am sick about hurting him. I keep telling myself he did this, not me. He put us in this position, not me. But it is hard because I am very soft hearted and I want to believe him. You said it was like he was looking to end the relationship, that thought crossed my mind, too. But five minutes after the incident is when he started telling me he didn't want that. Don't get me wrong, I have told my family and wedding party that the wedding is off. There is no way I can marry him. I will never go back to him because I cannot do that to my family and friends that have real love for me, not posessive love. It is just extremely hard to deal with all of this right now.
I know I have to leave him, that is not a question but it is hard and I feel like I will never love anybody as much as him or be happy again. Logically, I know that can't be true but the world is so dark right now.
sure you can join us! you can spray water all over him while lucy holds him down and i scratch his eyes out! i guess i am totally stereotyping. you know, NE chicks are hair pullers, scratchers and slappers and lucy in WV seems strong, tough and could throw a few punches probably better than any man could. LOL!!!
anyway, punky remain strong. so far so good. you made a super decision about the wedding. take it all slow, day by day. sailors idea of giving the phone to your dad is priceless! awesome, awesome idea!! that kind of advice should be paid for.
anyway, punky remain strong. so far so good. you made a super decision about the wedding. take it all slow, day by day. sailors idea of giving the phone to your dad is priceless! awesome, awesome idea!! that kind of advice should be paid for.
I agree about the alcohol. You mentioned that you never had a problem with him before. I'd be curious to know if the previous situations with the other women happened when he was drinking. By no means is alcohol an excuse, but it may be the reason. I believe alcoholism is a disease. My father was an alcoholic growing up. I remember being so scared everytime I knew he was drinking, because I never knew what he would do. My father doesn't drink anymore, and I have learned to forgive him for the past. He is also a very different person today, because he did something about the problem. If this sounds like your fiance, maybe you should see if he'll go to AA. If he cares about your happiness, he'll seek out help for himself. I would suggest staying away from him one on one until you see that he is seeking some help.
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