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orgasms and emotions
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orgasms and emotions

i am a 20 year old woman who is in a relationship with someone of the same age at the same collage.  we have been sexually active for about 6 months, but i have been having sex sense i was 16, and this is not the first time i have had this problem.  the problem is that after having an orgasm during sex with my boyfriend, i often (more often than not) have negative emotions and feelings that i don't want to be in a relationship and that i want time to myself.  this only happens when i orgasm, not when i don't during sex.  this confuses me, because i have often heard that women usually feel an intense bond with their partner after orgasming.  i love my boyfriend very much, as i have also cared for the other people i have been in relationships with and have had the same problem.  is this normal?  does it mean anything?  and is there anything i can do about it, because i really don't like it, considering that those emotions are not reflective of how i actually feel about my boyfriend.
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Avatar_n_tn
Your reaction is very interesting...and indeed you are right about "the bond" ...in fact...most women produce a hormone that makes them chemically bond with their partner (it's the same chemical that is emitted when you have a baby).

But, some women react towards sex the way men do.  Most men release a hormone that makes them detach from their partner.  Men become attracted through space and distance...where women become attracted with intimacy and bonding.  (I learned this from my therapist who was helping me get over a very distructive relationship)

So, you might just be an "emasculated female"...which doesn't mean you are manly...it just means you are more in touch with your masculine side...Basically YOU wear the pants in the family!

I also wonder if maybe you had some sort of sexual tramatic experience...thus maybe you have a fear of intimacy.  So that would explain why you want that "space" after you climax.  When you orgasm you are at your most vunrable moment in time...and perhaps somewhere in your subconscious that triggers this need to get away.  Because you are afraid of being that way with someone.  

I hope you figure it out.  Perhaps a therapist who specializes in relationships could help you out.
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Avatar_n_tn
As you said, "most" women will feel a kind of bond after orgasming, but that doesn't mean all.  When you orgasm all kinds of chemical things are happening in your body, how you respond to them is just different than how "most" people respond to it.  Think of it as a chemical reaction and not anything that has to do with how you feel about him.

If you are still worried that maybe your subconscious is trying to tell you something or etc, then maybe speak to a counselor as suggested.
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I think it would be very important to try to figure out what's behind those feelings. For example, are you overwhelmed by too much intimacy? I know popular theory has it that all women are all about intimacy, but the actual truth is that very few people can handle all that much of it, regardless of gender. Women are certainly no more capable of intimacy than any man. You might pick up a copy of "Passionate Marriage", by David Schnarch. It's an unfortunate title for a book I think should be required reading for everyone, regardless of relationship status. It's all about how strengthening your own identity and sense of self can develop your capacity to handle more intimacy, and bring about even more intense and passionate sex. It's pretty amazing.

I'd also encourage you to consider seeing a sex therapist. These kinds of feelings can become pretty overwhelming, and could trigger some relationship issues down the road. I wouldn't just sit on this and hope things get better on their own.
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Avatar_n_tn
I have a suggestion.  This may seem off the wall but maybe you should give it a shot.  Masturbate.  Do this alone and see how you feel when you orgasm.
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Avatar_n_tn
i tried that...still the same exact feelings.  i get a feeling like i want to (this is kinda embarrassing) sleep with other people, mostly people that i have regretted not making a move on in the past.
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Avatar_n_tn
i have a question for you..i re-read your post and you stated you have an orgasm through sex. having one is very difficult for most woman (at least through penetration) so can you spill the beans on how? ok, now onto your Q:

i have in the past sometimes cried after sex (ok, during too). my husbands like..what? what did i do? poor guy but i think its  a girl thing. its much of what monkeyflower explained ^^^^.

i almost feel as if you hinting to the fact you honestly dont want to be w. this guy (or at least tied down to any one at this time)? you keep going back to that idea. maybe take a break for a while and/or agree to see other people?
its also not uncommon to "fantasize" about other people while you are doing it w. him or yourself. you are young still and since you've been having sex since just the wee age of 16, you may have some emotions stemming from waaay back then that is now creeping up on you.
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Avatar_n_tn
so you want me to spill the beans on orgasming?  hmm...that's tough.  obviously it's different for everyone, so i don't know if what works for me will work for anyone else.  for me though, i have to be really comfortable with the guy...know him really well, he knows me really well, just comfortable in my own skin.  if i don't have that, it's not gonna happen.  like when first having sex with someone...it just won't happen.  but physically, for me, it helps to be on top so i have control over how fast or slow things are going, and it also helps to lean forward with my torso and push my legs back so i'm more laying on top rather than stradling.  i don't know if you read cosmo, but in december's edition, in the girl-on-top positions, the hip-to-hip hula is pretty much what i'm trying to describe.  and sense i'm comfortable with the guy, i can ask him or move his hands so that he's touching me how i want him to.  hope this helps.
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