I know that you are all thinking so many things. But hear me out. My sister (23) has been dating her soon to be husband for 5 yrs. These arent the best 5 yrs that we have seen btw. She lived here with him for about a yr or so. (Based on the lie that she told us that his family had kicked him out and that he was adopted) At this time she was around 18-19 yrs old & so was he. He was lazy, never helped with anything around the house. Had no job. In front of my mom he would "mistreat" my sister as in yelling at her, pushing her etc. NOT ABUSIVE as in beating up though. My mom had told her something about being feed up with it. She took it the wrong way & moved out with him before her next birthday was here. Both moved back to his house. ***My sister has always been one to lie so much & also exaggerate. You can never tell if she's lying or what. Shes what I call a compulsive liar***
Anywho, mom and her werent talking. I believe this lasted about a year. Mom was angry refusing to make peace with her own daughter. I am Hispanic and my mom is a hard headed Mexican mother. Most of our childhood we been raised by threats (such as: I'm F***** tired of this, I am going to pack my stuff and leave you all alone here see what you all do without me) domestic violence. So many times she seemed to prefer her abusive husband over us. I am my mom's right hand & though I know that sometimes what I say or do arent the best things same goes for her. We talk very openly about everything. When my sister left I told her to talk to her but as a Mexican mother, her line was always NO SHE WANTED THIS.
My sister one day called saying she was leaving him. I guess he had hit her or something. We always believed he hit her and she always covered up for him. My sister went from being a girl that cared about her looks, make up getting her hair and nails done. Buying the best stuff to looking like her clothes havent been washed in days all stained up. Not brushing teeth with bad odor. Gaining so much weight. Becoming what we say now "dirty" To this day we still think her bf doesnt work. That shes the one that works to support him. We have heard so many rumors saying that in that family that the guy NEVER works, the woman is the one that always works.
We had noticed via her myspace that it said she was engaged. This had been her relationship status for a while. (but no longer than a year) we had seen the ring. & though my mom all of us believed it, it was not confirmed. A few months back she came forward and said yes that she was getting married. We all think the only reason she told us was to get us to help ($ wise) for the wedding not as family members. Here's where the problem lies, she decided her wedding should be Jan 30th, 2010. What's wrong with that you ask? She didnt care that Christmas was before that, we are supper tight on our money and depending on hand me downs sometimes. I am currently going through a worker's comp case due to my injuries. I went from going to school and earning a good amount for myself and enough to help to getting only now LESS THAN $600 a month in EDD checks. I had to sell my car just to help out financially. We have had to use a few credit cards to help us out. She did not take into consideration any of that stuff. SHE JUST WANTS TO GET MARRIED. To make matters worse shes asking that my mom be the one making the food for about 100 guest. She kept saying that all the caters she had gone to the food was bad. She has not gotten my mom involved in anything (such as picking the cake, wine etc) but only in going to David's Bridal....because she wanted mom to use her credit to open an account so that she would buy her wedding dress with it!
Since I am always helping mom with cooking, that means I am also going to be helping my mom with the food for that day. Food that is going to take half a day or more to make. So somewhere in all that, we have to find time to get my sisters ready, get ourselves ready our nails, hair done etc. She doesnt have the $ yet, a lot of ppl have bailed out on her for wedding help. We have told her to just switch the date. The time isnt right. Christmas just passed by and we have NO MONEY at all for dresses that my sisters need to wear. Shes so stubborn as if she needs to prove someone wrong. I have heard my mom complained so much about how she has no money and how she doesnt know where shes going to get the money from. How my sister only seemed to have told us about the wedding because she wants us to be her caters.
Due to the lack of $ she has to get this wedding going...she's decided to get the neighbor involved and ask her to be part of the wedding and help. Other than my mom, older sister and sister getting married; the rest of us dont like the neighbor. I happen to hate her with a passion. You ask why? She tried to poison our mom with pure alcohol mixed with other things. Mom didnt noticed what she had done and drank her regular beverage. She started feeling weird and went home. We caught her in the car out of it. Not responding. She laid in bed stating her chest/heart hurt but that she was ok (always says that to not worry us or cover something up). My mom has diabetes but we didnt think it was anything out of her norm. The next day a friend of both mom and the neighbor told my mom what had happened. That their friend had mixed pure alcohol into the beverage. Mom stopped talking to her for a period of time. When we all found out we were all upset. Til recently they started talking because she brought my sister home when she got ill at a school marching parade. It should have been a thank you very much for bring her home and thats it. But it went from that to now thinking mom and her are friends. To coming over to the garage like its her home. & now because my sister asked her for wedding help....to coming inside the house without knocking like its her house too. Then the criticism is going to start because thats what she does, starts criticizing all of us. Picking the food. Serving herself and eating without picking up after herself.
We get upset and complain that she could at least be a bit respectful, stay outside and knock. But instead mom starts complaining that who the hell are we to tell her what to do. & starts with the threats. This is her house. She starts to get all defensive about her (the neighbor) I had told my sister, she goes to wedding I dont! I'm standing on my ground. She went and told mom causing a fight. Every little thing my sister hears about us talking bad about the neighbor she goes and tells mom. Now idk if shes doing this because shes trying to get mom and neighbor on her side for wedding.
Is it wrong of me? Who wouldnt be happy to be going to their sister's wedding, non the less being a bridesmaid? I am not a fan of dresses, nor have the $ to buy the shoes, accessories, dress etc. but when my sister starts making it seem like all she cares about is the $...the more and more I am standing on my ground and not going to this wedding. My mom has even said it several times "excuse me if I dont go, I'm going to be TOO tired from all the damn cooking to go to this wedding because thats all we are.....cooks to her!"
So then what am I to do? I go, its a fight (because mom's most likely to get drunk along with the neighbor and start acting dumb) I dont go, it's another fight no matter what
Life is short and unfair. I understand your feelings very much, but you don't know the last time you will see your sister so I say go to the wedding. Give her a big hug and say Best wishes Sis! If the marriage don't work out and she needs you welcome her with open arms. And if you believe in God pray everyday.
We never fully know why someone makes the choices they do . . . all we know is we wouldn't make the same ones. From what you describe, your sister is a little like your mom. She picked a bad guy and is sticking to it. She also is a little inconsiderate as I can see. You seem very honest and sincere and I can tell how much this is bothering you. Vent here, vent to your friends, keep a journal or whatever---- but go to the wedding, smile and just be glad it isn't you. People do evolve and she may one day become the person you would like her to be. Have hope and faith in that. I wonder if living somewhere else would be better for you in general though. Just from this post---- it sounds like you might be happier living away from all of this. Good luck------ hope you at least have a pretty dress to wear!
IT IS VERY DIFFICULT TO STAND BY AND PUT ON A HAPPY FACE WHEN SOMEONE YOU LOVE IS MAKING A BIG MISTAKE. SHE IS YOUR SISTER AND I'M SURE YOU ONLY WONT THE BEST FOR HER. SHE WILL SOON GET TIRED OF SUPPORTING HIM. ALL YOU CAN DO IS TRY TO ACCEPT THE MISTAKE, YOU THINK SHE IS MAKING AND LOVE HER.
IF SHE REALLY WONT'S YOU TO BE IN THE WEDDING SHE WILL NEED TO FIND A WAY TO HELP WITH SOME OF THE EXPENSES. SHE HAS FIGURED OUT HOW TO MANIPULATE PEOPLE TO GET WHAT SHE WONT'S, SO SHE CAN ASK FOR A LITTLE BIT MORE TO HAVE YOU IN THE WEDDING. JUST EXPLAIN TO HER THAT YOU DO NOT HAVE THE EXTRA MONEY AT THIS TIME, AND IF SHE CAN NOT HELP YOU WITH THE EXPENSES THEN YOU WILL NOT BE ABLE TO BE IN THE WEDDING.
YOU SHOULD GO TO THE WEDDING IN ANY CASE, SHE IS YOUR SISTER AND IT IS HER SPECIAL DAY, WEATHER YOU AGREE WITH IT OR NOT.YOU SHOULD ALWAYS BE THE BIGGER PERSON. WHEN MY YOUNGEST BROTHER GOT MARRIED HE ASKED OUR LITTLE SISTER AND BROTHER TO BE IN THE WEDDING AND LEFT OUT ME AND MY OLDER SISTER. (THEY HAVE A DIFFERENT MOTHER THEN US) WE WERE VERY UPSET AND HURT. MY OLDER SISTER DID NOT WONT TO GO TO THE WEDDING BUT WE ALL DID. WE JUST MADE SURE THAT WE LOOK BETTER THEN THE BRIDESMAIDS, WE PUT ON A HAPPY FACE,AND EVERY ONE ASKED HIM WHY WE WERE NOT IN THE WEDDING, THIS MADE HIM AND HIS NEW WIFE FEEL LIKE ****.
AS FOR YOUR MOTHER SHE IS OLD ENOUGH TO KNOW WHAT SHE CAN HANDEL. IF IT IS TO MUCH WORK PREPARING THE FOOD THEN SHE NEED TO TELL HER. I KNOW SHE WONT'S TO BE INCLUDED IN HER DAUGHTER BIG DAY BUT AT WHAT EXPENSE. IT IS DIFFICULT PREPARING FOOD FOR THAT MANY PEOPLE, BUT THAT IS NOT YOUR PROBLEM. OFFER TO HELP AS MUCH AS YOU CAN WITH OUT PUTTING YOUR SELF ON THE BACK BURNER.
Wow! She has a messed up relationship and not just with her bf. I got married this past summer and I didnt expect any hand outs from family. I upped my visa limit to cover the cost of my wedding. My mom did end up paying for most of it but I put up a good fight in trying to pay for it. For her to not have a good relationship with her family then expect them to pay for it...? Wow. As for her wanting family to cook for the wedding... I wanted home cooked food because caterers would cost $3000. But at a wedding, you need your family to just enjoy it with you, not be busy running around serving you.
I wouldnt want to go either. Infact, Id have no part of her life at all.
BTW, Its a very nice dress. Champagne. 2 piece. With black ribbon around waist. All in all I think I am spending around $300 for this that I don't have :(
I have tried to talk to her about this. I have tried to talk to my mom about this. Telling her this isn't the right time for her or anyone. For some reason they think I'm being the negative one and they all "turn their backs on me" I tell them this is just all bad timing. Then I start to hear them saying "oh you cant handle it, get the **** out of my house" "you're no one to tell us what to do" and Its bad enough to know that I am 24 and have injuries that someone my age shouldnt have. Im tired, stressed out, depressed and my psychologist diagnosed me with PTSD due to my injury. I hear lines like move out! and so on. & I think, how am I suppose to move out when I am broke, I am depending on ppl to give me rides to my dr appts. because its hard for me to drive right now plus I SOLD MY CAR!
I really dont understand whats my sister's hurry. She can get married by civil, save money and do the whole church thing. No one understands what is the hurry in all this, they already live together. All of the sudden one of the bridesmaids bailed out so now we are short one at the last minute. So we are using my other sister-20 to take her place. Just like a lot of the help she was getting they all bailed out too because the wedding is js after Christmas---and a lot of ppl are broke!
The cake hasnt been ordered (due to the lack of $) the invitations havent been made (because there's constant changes) the tables/restrooms/etc isnt fully paid (lack of $ again) the food money isnt completed because the person who was helping out with that suddenly bailed out. My mom feels like maxing out her credit card to help out, but then we are going to be stuck paying it out throughout time and like I said, no money! She came with us (bf & me) to go look at the tux---he picked the style and color to match the champagne. She said yes yes that's the one. We placed the order. Later that day she tells her in laws to be what color "he" picked and later in the weekend she comes to tell me "No one told me anything, but I am saying...I think that's not the color" I said, "his dad told you something huh? You don't have to lie"
She says "Well yeah, but you know its true" So my bf felt bothered by the fact that she told him to pick the color and the style and she saw what he had picked and agreed to it. Then later changing her mind!!! So we had to go to yet ANOTHER place to look at tux, he picked the style but now my bf refused to pick the color because he doesn't want to take the blame if anything goes wrong (as seeing that she cares more about what her in-laws to be think than her sister) She tells us what "his mom" wants the wedding to be like....like if her m-i-l is the one getting married again not my sister. She's practically running the wedding. The dad is controlling how much alcohol is going to be bought *rumor has is, just 4 packs of 24!!* The in-laws have a lot of control in this wedding. A LOT!
Well, I am NOT going to lie. It doesn't sound fun. Nope---- no fun at all.
Maybe the whole thing will fall apart before the day anyway . . . it has the makings of that. People are backing out, things keep changing, the whole thing is basically a mess. It really could fall apart. One monster fight involving the bride and groom (which sounds like it could happen) and it will be over.
Some people care more about the event of the wedding than what the implications of marriage are.
So, what do you do. I'm serious about this . . . I would tell your sister and mother----- calmly with none of the emotion you show here that you can NOT afford the dress. That you want (fib here) to be in the wedding but you simply can not afford a 300 dollar dress. You will wear what you have (pick a nice dress out of your closet)---- and that is it. They'll flip out---- but if they threatened to kick you out because of that . . . well, you have to come live with me because that IS ridiculous. Your mom sounds like a hot head----- does she blow and then get over it?
But with all this behavior---- your not going to the wedding would be forever a huge ordeal for you with them. If you were ready to move out and be done with all of their drama, then that would be more of an option I guess. But I don't do things that can go down in history as I did something bad ("AND SHE DIDN'T EVEN COME TO MY WEDDING!")
I didn't know you had an accident. Okay, I would start to think about your future though. What kinds of jobs you can do to earn more money, etc. so you don't have to be so dependent on your family. They are a little toxic----- and you seem like you would be happier away from them. Plan it out. Good luck.
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