This is a LONG story so I will make it as short as possible. If you have any questions you need answered to give me an accurate answer....ask away. My husband of 1 year will no longer allow me to be friends with my best friend of 13 years because she is my ex husband's sister. Is this right?
I seem to have a lot of opinions that people don't like....well, okay ...I've feeling sorry for myself because of the other forum.....here's mine...
While it will be hard to let go of your friendship, you did marry this man and he has a right to expect absolute trust and obedience to him. If he has asked you to stop being friends and you continue, in essence your actions are saying that she is more important to you than he is.
I would abide by his decision and in time as he sees you responding to his request and not going behind his back to continue the friendship, he may loosen up and realize that it is no threat to him.
doesn't seem right to me. trust is a two-way. but obedience???? wow... dogs are obedient to their masters. spouses show respect for each other. he is not respecting your friendship. now, i don't know the details, but is there a specific reason why he doesn't want you to be friends? is your ex often around when you see each other? is she not supportive of your relationship with your new husband? perhaps if you shared with us at least some details as to his reasoning, we can help you give insight into whether or not his request is reasonable. but in general, given a generic situation where the history is simple and he just wants you to cut ties with your old life, then he is not being reasonable. and watch out, as it can be the signs of the beginning of a controlling (and potentially abusive) relationship. i HATE my dh's best friend. dh knows i don't care for him, but doesn't know how deeply i don't like him. i would still never ask him to cut ties with him.
I guess it is all in the sub-text. Either he is being selfish or he is being reasonable, depending on you, either you are being normal or you are being rub-his-face-in-it, depending on how he is behaving. And I don't mean openly and clearly, I mean in a subliminal, underground way, on all fronts. If he has never, ever asked you to alter or change any friendship you have, and if he senses that you are staying friends for even a small hint of a reason other than just plain friendship no matter who her brother is, then he is probably being reasonable. On the other hand, if he always tries to control who your friends are, and if you actually hate your ex and he knows it, then he is probably being unreasonable.
When I met my husband he was divorced but living with another woman. My best friend warned me that something was up and did not like him from the beginning. I was blind at first but later found out the truth. She was right. Yes, I stayed with him and the other woman who never knew about me left. I didn't find out about her until after she left or else I would have ended it. When I found out about her I was already pregnant. We (my husband and I) went through a lot of counseling together before we got married. Now, other than this one issue we get along great. Since we got married, my friend has supported our relationship but my husband refuses to give in and let me be friends with her. He says he can't stand her and that she would only be bad for our relationship. When she found out I was pregnant, she suggested (and even offered to pay for it) that I get an abortion which I would not do but I could understand given the circumstances why she suggested it. I can understand both sides, hers and my husbands but I am at a loss at what to do. She is the only close friend (other than my husband now) that I have ever had. I think he is just jealous of her and I think that is a selfish reason. What do you guys think?
well, that changes things a bit. if i were your dh, i'd be furious at her for even suggesting an abortion, let alone offering to pay for one. sounds like she's a bit more meddlesome than a friend, even a best friend, should be. i've seen my friends in plenty of crappy relationships. it's not my job to tell them it's cr@ppy, especially when they're head-over-heals in love with the guy. of course, if they ask my honest opinion i may give it, but sounds like her motives are questionable. this is much deeper than we can understand just based on some posts. i could see both sides. you said he won't "allow" you to see her. does he just express his displeasure at your friendship or does he outright refuse to let you see her?
Like AnnieBrooke says, it depends on the situation. Nobody (not even your husband) has the right to choose your friends. If he is controlling for no reason, then it's completely wrong. If you are doing things with her behind his back, spending more time with her than him, etc, etc...then he might feel left out, out of control or worried about you. Is she a bad influence? Honestly. If she is a good friend and doesn't cause any problems in your marriage then he has no reason to make this request and the issue is his to deal with. You had her as a friend when you met him, I assume. Sounds like there are bigger problems than him not liking your friend.
See, we dropped "obey" from our vows as neither of us are dogs or children : )
I have a tough time with any spouse limiting friendships. But I can understand if this friend is toxic to the relationship. I don't know that my dh would have been fond of a friend so willing to help abort his child.
Because at the time I found out I was pregnant was the same time I found out about the other woman and about him lying to me the whole time. My friend didn't want me to go through with the pregnancy which was NOT planned because of the circumstances. This was before my current husband and I got married and I had just gotten divorced from my friend's brother. I actually considered it because I was so scared but there is NO way I could go through with something like that. EVER. Now, I am happily married and I have the most beautiful baby you could imagine. I just miss my friend. I am not doing anything behind my husbands back. I have only seen her once in the past year and I told my husband and he hit the roof. He has even said that if I have a friendship with her we would not stay together. I think he's just saying that but it also scares me. He is very stubborn.
Well, if you haven' seen her in a year, maybe it is time to make new friends? I understand how hard it is to let go of a friendship you have had for a long time. Last year I severed a friendship I have had since grade school. We had just grown apart. I grew up, she hadn't. We valued different things and despite all of our history together we were just two different people. That and she had no respect for my marriage, let alone hers.
Okay, while I understand the "obey" portion to an extent, it shouldn't be like a dog to "obey" its master. It should be a mutual respect thing, period. Does he have a right to ask you to not be friends with someone? Yes, he is your life partner and you share your life with him. Does that mean you don't have to be bitter or resentful, because that is the natural reaction to it. It also is something that a lot of marriages are harmed by. Anticipate this and be ready to handle it mentally and emotionally.
Personally he shouldn't ask you to not be friends with someone unless they directly interfere in your marriage. If you don't like it, then talk to him about it and put your foot down and stand up for yourself. You may be assuming the reason is something and it is something else. Without communicating with your husband, whom you have given your life and vows to, then you are just tossing your marriage out the window and making it less than worth a pair of shoes you've outgrown.
This site complies with the HONcode standard for trustworthy health information.
The Content on this Site is presented in a summary fashion, and is intended to be used for educational and entertainment purposes only. It is not intended to be and should not be interpreted as medical advice or a diagnosis of any health or fitness problem, condition or disease; or a recommendation for a specific test, doctor, care provider, procedure, treatment plan, product, or course of action. Med Help International, Inc. is not a medical or healthcare provider and your use of this Site does not create a doctor / patient relationship. We disclaim all responsibility for the professional qualifications and licensing of, and services provided by, any physician or other health providers posting on or otherwise referred to on this Site and/or any Third Party Site. Never disregard the medical advice of your physician or health professional, or delay in seeking such advice, because of something you read on this Site. We offer this Site AS IS and without any warranties. By using this Site you agree to the following Terms and Conditions. If you think you may have a medical emergency, call your physician or 911 immediately.