My 39th birthday is coming up and typically my different groups of friends and I get together and do individual things. Usually, my friends ask me what I want to do for my birthday, or make suggestions for activities that are related to what our mutual interests are. Sounds normal, right? So far, yes.
But this week, a friend of mine emailed me to tell me she made plans for my birthday that involved playing boardgames at her boyfriend's house. This offended me for a few reasons.
First, she didn't bother to ask me me what I wanted to do for my birthday. This is what irritates me the most. In her email to me, she whined that she never knows what to plan with me because I supposedly say I'll do something, then back out. I have cancelled plans at the last minute a few times throughout our friendship. Each of those times were related to either illness, lack of money, or I changed my mind. I always had a legitimate reason. But I don't cancel plans with her everytime. Also, she knows that I am unemployed, so I can't really go out anywhere because I can't afford to.
The other reason I'm offended is because I don't know my friend's boyfriend. So, why would I spend my birthday hanging out with someone I don't know? Plus, playing boardgames on my birthday is not my idea of fun. My friend only introduced me to her boyfriend once, and has never invited me out with them since, and they've been together for one year.
In my email response to my friend, I said that I was not interested in going to her boyfriend's house for my birthday. I told her that her lack of interest in asking me what I'd like to do for my birthday, deeply offended me, and that her excuse that she never knows what I want to, is not because I don't tell her (which I do), but because she doesn't ask or doesn't listen when I tell her. I basically think she's being lazy, wants to spend my birthday with her boyfriend who is a divorced father of two, who happens to have that night free, since his evenings with her are limited when he has his children overnight.
So, I felt like she was using my birthday as an excuse to see her boyfriend, and wasn't really interested in making plans for another night to celebrate my birthday with me. Hence, I feel like she is being lazy and selfish.
I don't want to end my friendship with this woman. But she can be very passive aggressive with me when I get angry with her. She reacts by giving me the silent treatment and tends to cut people out of her life without telling them why. I had asked her to call me tonight, but she never called. So I have to assume she is giving me the silent treatment as her way of passive-aggressively reacting to my protecting my own personal boundaries. Does that make any sense?
By personal boundaries, I mean, I will say no and not feel guilty about it. Or, I refuse to tolerate her disrespect of me, when she tells me I have to celebrate my birthday with her at her boyfriend's house, playing boardgames instead of asking me what I want to do for my birthday, then getting mad at me, giving me the silent treatment by not calling me when I ask her to which I think is immature. And she's 42 years old.
Her friend, a mutual friend of ours tried to play peace maker and emailed me, cc'ing her. She said in the email that I should plan something fun, and include them both because they want to support me on my birthday. I think my friend is a total coward who is being selfish and I want her to apologize to me for being so self-absorbed.
I feel drained by this experience. A true friend takes 1 minute of their day to ask you what you'd like to do for your birthday. Is that too high an expectation I have of friends? I don't think so.
Since my friend hasn't called me like I asked her to, I'm thinking I will just ignore her for the time being and focus on my other friends and aquaintances. How should I confront my friend for her selfish behavior?
To start with your 39 and you decide what to do for your birthday, if that offends your friend bad luck, i would not wish to spend my birthday playing board games either..Also is she really that close to you if she has had a boyfriend for a year that you have never me? I would not confront her myself for ignoring you, i would count my losses and move on to better friends..
I thought this was a post from a young 18 to 20 year old. Sorry this just seems like a really juvenile thing to be fighting over. If I were you I wouldn't wait for anyone to ask me what I wanted to do on my birthday. I would make my plans and see who was interested in being a part of them.
I think you overinflate the idea of your birthday. You sound like a bit of a difficult friend, to be honest. Not trying to insult you here----- but I don't think I'd call you back either if you blew up at me just for offering the wrong kind of birthday night to you. '
It may be a good idea to find people in your life that you have a mutual relationship with---- that they feel like they can count on you (and she clearly does not with what you say she told you) and those you can count on (as in this case you feel let down because she didn't get all hyped up about planning the perfect birthday.)
goodluck to you.
If you were truly my friend, and you sent me an e mail like you sent her, i would not call you back either you sound a bit selfish you could have worded it a bit different and at least thanked her for thinking of you, also do not worry about confronting your friend i do not think she is your friend anymoee, and if she is or is not you owe her an apology for your rude answer, at least she remembered your birthday jo
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