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Why do I have to choose between my husband and a baby
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Why do I have to choose between my husband and a baby

Hi I'm sorry this going to be a bit long winded but last year I had "the talk" with my husband (we have been married for just over 18 months), I really put myself out there and told him exactly how much I want to have a baby (we accidentally got pregnant a couple of years ago and had a miscarriage at 10 weeks), how much it aches me inside when all around me I see people having children (my SIL and friend both told me they were having babies within three months of each other) also, his best friends then partner actually gave birth to her baby the day I lost mine and so whenever I see her I just feel so sad (I know it sounds pathetic). We had always talked about having a family and he has always been very positive about it. He said we should look at what we need and how much ot will cost, what I would be entitled to from work etc etc, we did this research and we felt really positive about it, he then said that we should wait til we are a bit better off financiall, though TBH i cant see a time when we will be better off than we are, we both have good jobs and have enough money for holidays etc at the moment, but he still wont commit to having one, I just keep getting "we will have a baby just not yet, blah blah blah" and I am now at the point I cant take it, I cry every time I think I'm throwing away the chance to be a mother just because he is dragging his feet, but then I love him dearly and can't imagine leaving him, I can't be happy without a baby but then I cant be happy without him, why should I have to choose? I tried to google my problem to see if anyone else was in the same boat and the only advice people seem to get is "leave him" or "get pregnant without him knowing" and TBH I'm feeling desperate enough right now to actually to consider the second option, I know its crazy but I feel completely torn.
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Avatar_f_tn
Please don't get pregnant without your husband knowledge.  That just breeds mistrust.  Can you go to Couples' Counseling?

Also, how old are you?
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145992_tn?1341348674
Yeah, tricking him is not the way you want to go.  I'm so sorry for your loss, I understand that longing and especially after losing a baby to a miscarriage.  I never experienced that but I can understand how much it makes you want to try again.  Perhaps your husband is afraid.  Maybe he hurt just as much from the loss of the baby that he's afraid to try again because he doesn't want to get his hopes up and then only to deal with another loss.  How long ago did you have the miscarriage?  He may need some time to heal emotionally from it?  You don't show how old you are so I'm not sure if you are working on a biological clock here.  Why is it that you can't conceive naturally?  I'm not sure what TBH stands for.  I don't think this is a real reason to leave him, I think maybe you both need to tell each other how you are feeling.  Find out why he wants to wait.  He's not saying no, he's just saying he needs some time.
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377493_tn?1356505749
Men approach this so much differently then we women do (at least, in my experience).  They worry about things like the financial side of it...and it's true, these little people are not cheap!!  When you think about it, it's a good thing they are thinking these things through.  I understand how much your longing for a baby, especially after a loss.  Just keep talking to him...and try to make sure you are seeing it from his perspective as well.  My husband was really scared too.....worrying about college funds, etc. etc. I think most men are at first.  It sounds to me like it's what he wants as well, but he needs a bit more time to adjust to the idea.  And the others are right..don't try to get pregnant behind his back.  It will harm your relationship and it will be hard for him to trust you again.  
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Avatar_f_tn
tricking him would be a very bad idea. he could be putting it off b/c he's afraid of another miscarriage.

unfortunately i don't have an experience with this (my hubby was the one who started the baby talk.) but perhaps counseling could help. he may be able to get to the route of his baby issues and the two of you can work on it.  and adgal has a point...men worry about different things than we do. we worry if they're sleeping enough, dirty diapers, what foods they're eating, what type of education..etc etc while men worry about the money issues. will there be enough to support the both of you and the child, will you be able to pay medical bills, and take care of the child (what i read the other day is for a middle class family to raise ONE child from birth - 18 years it costs aprox. $300,000), and university. so he's probably just really nervous and scared.

getting pregnant behind his back could seriously damage your relationship.
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973741_tn?1342346373
I had my kids at 38 and 39 . . . how old are you?  If you don't have to be in a rush, then don't be.  It is so much enjoyable to "try" for a baby as a couple and having one than doing it on your own and "springing" it on him.  Kids take a lot of work----  they are wonderful, don't get me wrong.  You want your husband on board for this.  goodluck
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Avatar_f_tn
you do not give your age, but if you are young, maybe he wants some time before, he has all of the responsibilities of being a father, if you are both young enjoy life a bit and take some vacations and then talk about having children later, but do not get preg now you may lose him if he thinks you tricked him, if he is a good man hang onto him, when the jids start it is not all a bed of roses.  luck  jo
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483733_tn?1326802046
In the mean time you may want to be using a condom for birth control.  This puts the power back in his hands and he will think about the issue every time he puts one on.  I had a miscarriage and afterwards we decided to wait a couple of years to try (first one was an accident) but I stayed off the pill and used a diaphragm.  Within a couple of months my then husband decided it was a pain to use and said 'what the heck, let's just get pregnant'.  I am so lucky to have had my son as a result.  He has grown into such a wonderful man.
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Avatar_f_tn
I'm in the same position as you...  I making the tough decision of staying with my husband and possibly never have a child or leave him and maybe find someone else to start a family.  I'm in my mid-30's so the biological clock is ticking and I waited soooo long for him to be ready.  A couple of months ago, he surprised me by trying and we got pregnant right away but than I had a miscarriage.  He told we would try as soon as possible if I was ready but has since changed his mind.  We had the talk and it looks like he never wants to have a baby with me or like he says maybe later on in life.  I've tried to explain that I don't have that much time and I'm afraid that later on he'll change his mind again to NO...  I love him dearly, he's my best friend, he's my everything we get along so well and have spent 12 wonderful years together...  I don't know what to do...  I'm really sad... I wish I was still pregnant cause I wouldn't have to live through any of this...  Life... well... isn't what I expected.
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