Have you forgiven yourself yet?

I was asked that question when I started therapy about 7 weeks ago, and I think that I have finally forgiven myself.  I have always been my worst, toughest, harshest, critic, but I do think it is necessary to forgive ones self before the healing process can begin.

I started apologizing to my closest friends and family members as soon as my affair was exposed, and that helped lessen the load, so to speak.  It started making it easier to forgive myself, and seek help for the issues that lead to the affair.  (Still not sure what some of those issues are, but we'll find out)

The part I am having the hardest time forgiving myself for is the pain that I caused.  I never meant to hurt my wife.  My affair started off on line through a social networking site. The relationship started off with no ill intent, but gradually evolved into a full blown affair.  For some dumb reason, I thought I could run that relationship alongside my marriage, (before the actual sexual encounter) and not have any connection.  

It turns out that that wasnt the case, that the two were interfereing with each other.  I didnt want to lose my marriage, but I couldnt just drop the affair until I was handed an ultimatum.  Maybe it took standing on the edge, looking at all I was risking, for me to realize that it wasnt worth it!  

I am fortunate enough to have been married to my best friend, and we are wading through the much and mire together.  We are both in therapy along with couples therapy, and we take each day, one step at a time.  This isnt an easy task, and I think we are both finding out some things about ourselves that we didnt know, and quite frankly is a bit uncomfortable...but it all has to be dealt with.

[lindacampbell]

I can totally relate to what you said.  I think we both lived the same life, maybe in different ways.  

Me, I told on myself about the affair.  It was someone both my spouse and I knew.  Ironically enough, he was the dad to a girlfriend of mine.  

Initially, he had indicated to me months before that he was VERY interested in having a relationship with me.  I blew it off for several months before jumping into the affair.

For me, it took the other person dying for the affair to end.  I wanted to keep my marriage but didn't have the strength within myself break totally and completely free of the other man. I would walk away for a couple of weeks and then break down and we'd talk and get back together, ending up back in the bedroom.

Now that he's passed, I feel freer than I have felt since before the affair.  It's a struggle, but in the long run, it's a better thing for my husband and I.  We're able to feel better about that part of our relationship.  I mean the physical part.  

[brice1967]

Hey linda, thanks for sharing.  I know its kind of difficult (atleast it was for me in the beginning) to talk about.  I have found though, that talking about it and comparing it to other stories has been pretty theraputic.

I am assuming that the repairing of your marriage is moving along?  Have you folks done therapy?

My relationship is moving along pretty well.  Far more good days than bad days now.  I feel horrible for the fact that it took an affair for my wife and I to get where we are today.

[lindacampbell]

Hi brice!  Yes, the repairing of my marriage is definitely moving in a positive direction.  We did do counseling, which was working.  That is, until our insurance stopped covering it.  

I think, for us, it is much better than it was.  I'm not proud of what I did for the reasons I did.  We are doing soo much better now.  

[brice1967]

Glad to hear that things are headed in the right direction!  Do you guys ever have any set backs?  How often do questions about your affair pop up?

Our marriage is headed in the right direction too, but lately it's been real difficult.  I have a feeling inside like my body just wants to quit or die or something.  I know that I am doing me best.... I did forget to disclose something, something that I considered insignificant because nothing came of it..... and my wife found it as an issue.  It is an issue, but with dealing with everything else I was dealing with, I had forgotten about it until the other day when I reared its ugly head.  When she brought it up, I went straight into panic mode instead of instant disclosure....big mistake on my behalf.

We've gotten to the point now where I feel everything I say is going to be used against me.  I am concentrating so hard on doing and saying the right things.... sometimes a statement comes out that is rather open and my wife immediately attributes that to the affair instead of asking for clarification.  And, pretty much every conversation is about the affair these days....  I cant say anything without it going into a conversation about the affair.....  Its just tough.  

I've developed a bit of a tremor because of this, I think.  I noticed it yesterday.  For no reason, my normally surgeon stable hands were shaking uncontrolably.  My gut is in a constant knot.  My head has been hurting for 2 days straight, and that has been common place since telling her of the affair.

[lindacampbell]

I hope you two can get past the affair and move on, hopefully on the same page and in the same direction, towards healing