Aa
Feeling isolated
I'm in a relationship (for the past 8 years) and the flame seems to be dying. Not on my part, on his. It's killing me to slowly watch him distance himself more and more every day. He won't admit it or even discuss it, but I can feel it very strongly. He is not interested or is tired of me, and keeps finding new interests and new projects and new people to talk to rather than try to work with me on improving our situation.
We were once very close and even worked together on a freelance project which became very successful. However, in the meantime, I grew apart from my own parents, siblings, and friends to the point where it was only me and him. Meanwhile he continued to have close bonds with his family and friends and even make new friends.
I regret putting all my energy into him, but I don't know what to do now as I'm faced with severe feelings of loneliness and isolation as I watch this ship sink and there's nothing I can do about it. I don't have anyone to talk to about it and am very anxious about the idea that I have to start all over, especially at my age. I'm in my mid 30's now.
Luckily, we don't have any children, and live in different cities within the same state. Maybe it was the distance that killed the relationship I don't know. But I might also have PTSD. I haven't been diagnosed but less than a year after I met him I became pregnant and had an abortion out of fear and out of fear of disappointing my parents because he didn't seem to place a high priority on marriage, while my parents are very conservative about marriage.
After that experience, I became very attached to him, and silently harbored resentment toward my parents, feeling deep inside that it was because of them that I chose not to have the baby because I didn't want them to be disappointed in me for not being married, not having a stable career path (in my 20's at the time) and getting pregnant. The more attached to him I became I set myself up for him to become violent towards me. I gradually became more and more withdrawn until the point where I became very obedient toward him, and lost my personality almost entirely. I reached a point where the more submissive I was, the more he expressed his love for me verbally and in other ways such as making promises for the future, buying me things, etc.
But I instinctively kept trying to keep myself together and not succumb to this situation. Eventually about 2 years ago I started to pull away from him a bit slowly and have slowly been balancing things between us. But now with him pulling away and seeing the end in sight, I'm struggling with mixed emotions. Anxiety over losing him completely since I was so close to him, and have lost everyone else.
In short, my relationship with my parents deteriorated. The problem is, I have become so isolated now that I had to move back in with my parents while I get my life back together. I chose not to pursue a career for myself when I met him (I was not stupid, I graduated at the top of my class) and instead I chose to join forces with my partner and we worked together to start up a nonprofit and other creative projects which became successful. One of the problems I have with him the past year or so is he's acquired a fat head. He seems to think he did it all alone. I put in at least 80% of the work all those years, while he mainly carried on with PR. Now he sees himself as a professional (went to his head) while he has forgotten about the work I did. Double standard situation. I'm happy in a way that he's becoming more self sufficient and pulling away from me, as it was an unhealthy relationship, but I'm also harboring resentment, and feelings of inadequacy from this which makes me hold on to what remains of our now long distance relationship.
He's benefiting financially now from my work, and I'm worse off than when I met him. As I said I'm now left without a career, living at home with my parents (who are aging and increasingly grumpy) and I'm dealing with what seems like PTSD from the abortion and emotional abuse. He was also physically abusive to some degree at times which may have contributed to migraines and digestive disorders that I now have. Sometimes the physical symptoms of my stressful situation are so bad that I don't even have the energy to think of how I can get through this and create a new life for myself. Sometimes I think of something that I might be able to do, and then I give up because the symptoms are just too debilitating. What hurts is that I feel like I've let down myself and my family because they are decent people who raised me as best they could, and they would be ashamed of some of the things I've been through with this man. I was an overachiever as a child and top of my class etc. and so I have a lot of repressed emotions and I constantly feel like I let them down. They also are not very warm toward me, and I often feel unloved from them as well.
ANyway, it was a horrible experience that I want to move on from but he still keeps calling me daily, and even telling me every day that he loves me. I in the meantime am at my witts end not knowing what to do next, as I feel like I have to start all over again and time isn't on my side.
Any advice for me. I'd be so grateful just to have someone to listen.
Thanks, and blessings.
We were once very close and even worked together on a freelance project which became very successful. However, in the meantime, I grew apart from my own parents, siblings, and friends to the point where it was only me and him. Meanwhile he continued to have close bonds with his family and friends and even make new friends.
I regret putting all my energy into him, but I don't know what to do now as I'm faced with severe feelings of loneliness and isolation as I watch this ship sink and there's nothing I can do about it. I don't have anyone to talk to about it and am very anxious about the idea that I have to start all over, especially at my age. I'm in my mid 30's now.
Luckily, we don't have any children, and live in different cities within the same state. Maybe it was the distance that killed the relationship I don't know. But I might also have PTSD. I haven't been diagnosed but less than a year after I met him I became pregnant and had an abortion out of fear and out of fear of disappointing my parents because he didn't seem to place a high priority on marriage, while my parents are very conservative about marriage.
After that experience, I became very attached to him, and silently harbored resentment toward my parents, feeling deep inside that it was because of them that I chose not to have the baby because I didn't want them to be disappointed in me for not being married, not having a stable career path (in my 20's at the time) and getting pregnant. The more attached to him I became I set myself up for him to become violent towards me. I gradually became more and more withdrawn until the point where I became very obedient toward him, and lost my personality almost entirely. I reached a point where the more submissive I was, the more he expressed his love for me verbally and in other ways such as making promises for the future, buying me things, etc.
But I instinctively kept trying to keep myself together and not succumb to this situation. Eventually about 2 years ago I started to pull away from him a bit slowly and have slowly been balancing things between us. But now with him pulling away and seeing the end in sight, I'm struggling with mixed emotions. Anxiety over losing him completely since I was so close to him, and have lost everyone else.
In short, my relationship with my parents deteriorated. The problem is, I have become so isolated now that I had to move back in with my parents while I get my life back together. I chose not to pursue a career for myself when I met him (I was not stupid, I graduated at the top of my class) and instead I chose to join forces with my partner and we worked together to start up a nonprofit and other creative projects which became successful. One of the problems I have with him the past year or so is he's acquired a fat head. He seems to think he did it all alone. I put in at least 80% of the work all those years, while he mainly carried on with PR. Now he sees himself as a professional (went to his head) while he has forgotten about the work I did. Double standard situation. I'm happy in a way that he's becoming more self sufficient and pulling away from me, as it was an unhealthy relationship, but I'm also harboring resentment, and feelings of inadequacy from this which makes me hold on to what remains of our now long distance relationship.
He's benefiting financially now from my work, and I'm worse off than when I met him. As I said I'm now left without a career, living at home with my parents (who are aging and increasingly grumpy) and I'm dealing with what seems like PTSD from the abortion and emotional abuse. He was also physically abusive to some degree at times which may have contributed to migraines and digestive disorders that I now have. Sometimes the physical symptoms of my stressful situation are so bad that I don't even have the energy to think of how I can get through this and create a new life for myself. Sometimes I think of something that I might be able to do, and then I give up because the symptoms are just too debilitating. What hurts is that I feel like I've let down myself and my family because they are decent people who raised me as best they could, and they would be ashamed of some of the things I've been through with this man. I was an overachiever as a child and top of my class etc. and so I have a lot of repressed emotions and I constantly feel like I let them down. They also are not very warm toward me, and I often feel unloved from them as well.
ANyway, it was a horrible experience that I want to move on from but he still keeps calling me daily, and even telling me every day that he loves me. I in the meantime am at my witts end not knowing what to do next, as I feel like I have to start all over again and time isn't on my side.
Any advice for me. I'd be so grateful just to have someone to listen.
Thanks, and blessings.
Im sorry that you are going through that. I think seeing a counciler is a great idea. As for support yes its ok to come and talk here and stuff. I think it can be scary to start over but it might be a good thing. You dont need a man like that. I think you would be happier in the long run if you werent with him. He sounds like he hurt you. Hope that your doing ok. Anyway I think its never to late for a fresh start. Sometimes thats what people need.
I agree I don't think that its a healthy relationship to be in. If he is abusive no. You deserve better then that. I know sometimes it's hard to move on because of the memories or because of the things you went through together or you still have feelings, but sometimes you have to do what's best for you. So if it means starting over then that is where you need to be to be happy. And yes seeing a T is always a good idea. They can help you deal with things like this. So that is a step in the right direction and it's ok if you need other support besides a T as long as you have a T to help you too. Sometimes friends or family can be helpful. Even coming on the internet. So if you need to vent I am happy to listen. Or you just want to talk.
I can totally relate to your situation in a lot of ways, and I really feel for you. You said you are going to go to a counselor, that is a really good idea. A counselor/therapist can really help you with working through all the things you mentioned above, all the situations and feelings.
Just keep in mind that things CAN and WILL be ok for you if you want them to be. Just be grateful for what you do have and think about how much worse off things could be. There's usually a solution for every problem and someone out there who can help you find that solution. It's a very long road to recovery from some of the things you've been through, but you need to stay with it and use all of the resources that are out there for you (there's a lot).
Stay strong and stay honest and true. Sometimes it's really hard to admit that you went wrong or made a mistake, but once you admit your wrongs and show your family and friends that you are trying to change, they will begin to respect you again and they will be happy for you. You don't need a man to have a good life and survive, you can do it on your own without an education if you need to. No one should take you away from the people you love and the things you enjoy doing. You deserve much better than to be in a relationship with someone who is uninvolved and abusive. You need to be independent and stop taking abuse from him ASAP, no matter what you have been through together or how long you have been with each other. You can be happy and you can have someone who will treat you like you deserve to be treated. You can get past this and be who you want to be if you're willing to get some help. Even though I am a complete stranger, I am here for you anytime you need to vent or for someone to listen.
I wish you all the best! :)
Just keep in mind that things CAN and WILL be ok for you if you want them to be. Just be grateful for what you do have and think about how much worse off things could be. There's usually a solution for every problem and someone out there who can help you find that solution. It's a very long road to recovery from some of the things you've been through, but you need to stay with it and use all of the resources that are out there for you (there's a lot).
Stay strong and stay honest and true. Sometimes it's really hard to admit that you went wrong or made a mistake, but once you admit your wrongs and show your family and friends that you are trying to change, they will begin to respect you again and they will be happy for you. You don't need a man to have a good life and survive, you can do it on your own without an education if you need to. No one should take you away from the people you love and the things you enjoy doing. You deserve much better than to be in a relationship with someone who is uninvolved and abusive. You need to be independent and stop taking abuse from him ASAP, no matter what you have been through together or how long you have been with each other. You can be happy and you can have someone who will treat you like you deserve to be treated. You can get past this and be who you want to be if you're willing to get some help. Even though I am a complete stranger, I am here for you anytime you need to vent or for someone to listen.
I wish you all the best! :)
I just wanted to say I am going to go to a counselor so don't worry about me. I just needed to tell someone about how I am feeling. I will make an appointment to see someone tomorrow.
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