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The end of my life/ the begining of theirs
Ok here it goes. I have told a lot about myself so far. But not the begining of why I am messed up. Why I am mentally losing it day by day. Why I do not trust. What I have been holding in. I know it sounds like a story book. But this is no joke. No dream. It's you know where darkness in life is.
Facts; I was always different I felt. I became depressed when I was 10 years old because my classmates made fun of me. Also I had two best friends who I loved deeply. We would hang out and play and talk and we had a great time together. Also I thought of their mother like family. My mom was in the bed at that time. She was overprotective and wouldn't let me go outside. I began to be used to lounging about in the house. I loved my family. I never really was good at socializing. I was always a bit of a loner. But I didn't have anger issues or anything. I got to see my family only twice a year when I was a teen. So we were no longer close which made me sad. My mom got out of bed and was grouchy and took her anger out on dad and me. She yelled at me and called me names. She was vey angry from all that was bottled up inside. Later as I got older I disrespected her too a lot. I know it's wrong but I did. But no I didn't spend all my time being mad. But I had my parents my best friends and had no family problems.
The Right before: I guess things began to get out of wack when my dad grew sick. It all started then but I didnt know it yet. I was worried sick when he wasnt well. And when it happened so fast. One minute he was there the next he wasn't. And of course I didn't handle it well. I was in a daze. I panicked and was severly depressed. Anyone would be am I right.
Facts; I was always different I felt. I became depressed when I was 10 years old because my classmates made fun of me. Also I had two best friends who I loved deeply. We would hang out and play and talk and we had a great time together. Also I thought of their mother like family. My mom was in the bed at that time. She was overprotective and wouldn't let me go outside. I began to be used to lounging about in the house. I loved my family. I never really was good at socializing. I was always a bit of a loner. But I didn't have anger issues or anything. I got to see my family only twice a year when I was a teen. So we were no longer close which made me sad. My mom got out of bed and was grouchy and took her anger out on dad and me. She yelled at me and called me names. She was vey angry from all that was bottled up inside. Later as I got older I disrespected her too a lot. I know it's wrong but I did. But no I didn't spend all my time being mad. But I had my parents my best friends and had no family problems.
The Right before: I guess things began to get out of wack when my dad grew sick. It all started then but I didnt know it yet. I was worried sick when he wasnt well. And when it happened so fast. One minute he was there the next he wasn't. And of course I didn't handle it well. I was in a daze. I panicked and was severly depressed. Anyone would be am I right.
Ok I understand but don't forget about us ok. Whenever amylove comes back on. Make sure you blog to us whenever you can. I get lonely. I mean I have the chatroom too now thanks to you, but still I love talking to you. Anyways they are changing the website around so right now the chat link is broken but luckily some of us have another link to it. At 1st we thought they may be closing it for good but someone said they talked to the head of it and that person didnt know it was down. So I don't know how it's going to look. Hopefully the site will get busy agian. I heard it used to be really busy. I'm guessing you saw it in those days. Well anyways just don't forget to come on here as much as you can even if you do cut back. Try to at least get on every few days if you can. I won't get mad if you don't but I will miss you. Well anyway take care
I see my GP today so I always feel better. Initially at least. Sometimes afterwards I feel much worse. Probably because I still feel tired and unwell and broken and he hasn't fixed me. Which I know he can't. Only I can fix me.
Chatting works for me but I want to scale it back a little. Try and be a little more balanced. I don't know how this is likely to go.
I only have access to our home computer and maybe the library one if I'm desperate.
I'm good. Got up at 3.50 am and said goodbye to my brother and his girlfriend.
I am about to go out and do my exercise before my doctor's appointment.
Won't you try something too? Maybe we could have a sit-up competition.
My brother and I use to have press-up competitions. It was interesting.
Chatting works for me but I want to scale it back a little. Try and be a little more balanced. I don't know how this is likely to go.
I only have access to our home computer and maybe the library one if I'm desperate.
I'm good. Got up at 3.50 am and said goodbye to my brother and his girlfriend.
I am about to go out and do my exercise before my doctor's appointment.
Won't you try something too? Maybe we could have a sit-up competition.
My brother and I use to have press-up competitions. It was interesting.
I hope we get to talk more. Anyway let me know what you are going to do. Make sure you check up unless your computer is messed up. See I have only one computer so I can't blog to you that computer is messed up. So I'm stuck off line with out being able to at least tell you. I'm feeling better today so far. Anyway hope you are doing good.
We've had quite a few problems with our computer too at times. And the phone lines.
My brother leaves tomorrow morning so I'll be better able to post after that.
I'm thinking I want to get some structure though so I have limits on how long I spend on the computer. Sometimes it gets a little too long and is unhealthy. I think I need to look at better ways to deal with my stress.
I'll still check in though and you can probably find me on the mh expert forum if I'm not here. I think there are perhaps too many good expert forums.
I'll try and keep in touch. I'll keep you updated with what I decide to do.
I have to go to town now and fill my brother's car up with petrol before he leaves.
I hope you have a good day. Try not to stress. I heard we only have 800, 000, 000 heart beats in our life time. Pointless to waste excess on stress. :)
My brother leaves tomorrow morning so I'll be better able to post after that.
I'm thinking I want to get some structure though so I have limits on how long I spend on the computer. Sometimes it gets a little too long and is unhealthy. I think I need to look at better ways to deal with my stress.
I'll still check in though and you can probably find me on the mh expert forum if I'm not here. I think there are perhaps too many good expert forums.
I'll try and keep in touch. I'll keep you updated with what I decide to do.
I have to go to town now and fill my brother's car up with petrol before he leaves.
I hope you have a good day. Try not to stress. I heard we only have 800, 000, 000 heart beats in our life time. Pointless to waste excess on stress. :)
augh! with my luck it will happen agian soon. So if I spend time off the net just to let you know it is more likely a virus or something going on with the computer. I hope you did'nt think I was ignoring your post. Just had to add that in case it happens agian in the near future. Ok then.
I havent been able to get on the computer since that day. So that's why I haven't replied sonner. I have been lousy lately because of that. Hope you check to see this soon. It wasn't my choice to be off line. I'm ***** because all my websiter I had on here I have to retype. And who knows what else is messed up. So I'm really stressed. Get back to me soon.
I've been the same since hospital. I think it is partly due to anxiety, etc though.
I work at home (when I work) and I don't get paid for my efforts. Not as in receiving a regular income. It proves to be a bit of a dilemma sometimes.
I enjoy the work (some of the time) but I hate feeling exploited or like I am stagnating. Granted that is no life and no future.
I work at home (when I work) and I don't get paid for my efforts. Not as in receiving a regular income. It proves to be a bit of a dilemma sometimes.
I enjoy the work (some of the time) but I hate feeling exploited or like I am stagnating. Granted that is no life and no future.
Well I had to origanally let go of that dream because I had to quit school. So that is when my dreams werew destroyed the 1st time. And since then anytime I get a new goal it gets destroyed like moving away to somewhere that will benifit me and my health and trying to get strong and do something. Not sure what then. But when we left that place cuz my aunt I feel like my brain stayed behind becuase I have gotten so messed up since then. And now I think even if my aunt didn't have control I can't learn new things. But she is in the picture and even if I could learn things and I got my GED and tried to get a job I don't want to have to work really hard on a job if I'm doing the labor and my aunt is getting paid. That aint fair I work hard and she does nothing and gets the paycheck and she will.
You're not hurting me. Perhaps only hurting yourself by keeping all this to yourself. Especially when it is such a burden to you.
I had other words for your aunt but I thought I should keep it kind of civil.
If you had options (beam the aunt to outer space for a moment) what would you choose? Did you not want to teach? Was someone pressuring you to do that?
If I could live my life all over without the dysfunction then I perhaps would have chosen to be a doctor. Not sure. Maybe I would have chosen something a little more adventurous. ??
Can you ask your therapist for guidance in how to get out of this mess? They might be able to see things you can't.
I feel the same. Every time I try to become more independent something will come up. If I had a good therapist then they would be better able to help. I am going to push for a new (qualified and experienced) T in the new year. I would recommend you use the system to your advantage. Be assertive and ask for what you need. Listen to others feedback though. Take what works for you, leave what doesn't.
I had other words for your aunt but I thought I should keep it kind of civil.
If you had options (beam the aunt to outer space for a moment) what would you choose? Did you not want to teach? Was someone pressuring you to do that?
If I could live my life all over without the dysfunction then I perhaps would have chosen to be a doctor. Not sure. Maybe I would have chosen something a little more adventurous. ??
Can you ask your therapist for guidance in how to get out of this mess? They might be able to see things you can't.
I feel the same. Every time I try to become more independent something will come up. If I had a good therapist then they would be better able to help. I am going to push for a new (qualified and experienced) T in the new year. I would recommend you use the system to your advantage. Be assertive and ask for what you need. Listen to others feedback though. Take what works for you, leave what doesn't.
No amylove we are not fighting. I did feel hurt over the post but I'm ok now. Anyway I love the part when you said stupid aunt it made me feel better hearing someone say it. I actually got a laugh out of that. I am frustrated with my life. I am sorry I feel so defeated but I can't help it. I just hope we can get the open door. Maybe it will help to get out of the house. I feel like these same four walls are closing in on me. It is really difficult. I know you want better for me but anything I do is for my aunt. I can't just forget about her. I wish I could. I try to. But I can't. I do feel like I belong to her. I mean I know I am me. I think so anyway. But she has so much control I just don't see how to help myself. And even if I try I am cursed to fail because everytime I try something to pick a path in life I am forced into one. I don't feel like I get to make my own choices cuz **** happens. Everytime. It is no joke. I don't see any fix in my life. I can't help but feel so defeated by everyone and everything. I'm sorry if I'm upsetting anyone. Maybe I should keep these thoughts to myself from now on. I don't want to hurt anyone.
No, we're not upset with each other. We're talking.
I think the problem was that I felt frustrated with myself and with innerchild for sounding so defeated. I want her to do well and it sounds like she's given up. I want her to do well for her and not for her stupid aunt (forgive my language). I know it is difficult for her to forget about her aunt when her aunt controls her money, etc but I want her to try for her so that one day she can be independent and tell her aunt to stuff off (to tell her how hurtful her actions have been).
I can understand how she feels about feeling powerless, etc. I know that change is hard. I think maybe I pushed too hard to fix her when I should be looking at myself and trying to fix me.
I think what has really happened though is that she feels exposed and vulnerable and withdrawing helps her to take back some control. When we put very personal things out there it can be really scary. I would be scared. Running away or not talking about it gives the person a sense of power. These are very primitive defense mechanisms that some people use. I use them.
I'm trying to be helpful but I think that my actions may have been viewed as me be critical of her. I'm not. I understand how important it is to feel accepted for who you are. I wasn't rejecting any part of her. Not the part that feels depressed or inadequate or worthless. Maybe my post read as a little rejecting though.
I think we're both OK? Innerchild?
I think the problem was that I felt frustrated with myself and with innerchild for sounding so defeated. I want her to do well and it sounds like she's given up. I want her to do well for her and not for her stupid aunt (forgive my language). I know it is difficult for her to forget about her aunt when her aunt controls her money, etc but I want her to try for her so that one day she can be independent and tell her aunt to stuff off (to tell her how hurtful her actions have been).
I can understand how she feels about feeling powerless, etc. I know that change is hard. I think maybe I pushed too hard to fix her when I should be looking at myself and trying to fix me.
I think what has really happened though is that she feels exposed and vulnerable and withdrawing helps her to take back some control. When we put very personal things out there it can be really scary. I would be scared. Running away or not talking about it gives the person a sense of power. These are very primitive defense mechanisms that some people use. I use them.
I'm trying to be helpful but I think that my actions may have been viewed as me be critical of her. I'm not. I understand how important it is to feel accepted for who you are. I wasn't rejecting any part of her. Not the part that feels depressed or inadequate or worthless. Maybe my post read as a little rejecting though.
I think we're both OK? Innerchild?
What is going on? I been gone for a day and I'm like totally lost. Are you guys upset with each other? I don't know. I hope you guys work out your lives. And I say forget your aunt. You do what you wanna do. Don't let your aunt stop you frome living.
You're not burdening me. And I am venting my issues here too remember.
You have goals, right? Things you want to do, so that's not a problem. Maybe you could try brain storming and come up with a list of possible solutions. Maybe write a list of pros and cons. And then a list of advantages and disadvantages for each.
You want to be independent, you want to teach.
You have goals, right? Things you want to do, so that's not a problem. Maybe you could try brain storming and come up with a list of possible solutions. Maybe write a list of pros and cons. And then a list of advantages and disadvantages for each.
You want to be independent, you want to teach.
I don't think I'll ever get control back because I am getting worse. I am gettin younger. I don't see how. Not only that if I don't ever get the chance to prove I can handle it which I won't get that chance cuz I can't find a decent lawyer to fight for me. Plus my mental is worsening. Honestly this mess has completely destroyed me. I know you feel like I'm quitting but I don't see a way out of this. I'm sorry I won't talk about it anymore. I don't want to burden you anymore. It's my problems I'll deal with it. I don't want to bring you down. Anyway I am glad you posted.
No, not so your aunt gets everything. So you get everything. Granted it won't happen overnight. But you know, like long-term.
Get better first then if it still matters fight her then.
It's not a nice feeling to feel as though your rights have been violated. You feel so powerless to do anything.
There should come a time when your aunt shouldn't be able to access anything of yours without your consent.
I'm not angry with you. Or maybe I am. I feel angry that you don't see that anything you do to better your life will benefit you (as well as your aunt. Forget your aunt).
No, you're not driving me away. We're posting fine. We're both saying what we need to say. Some of this is my issues too remember. Not all of it is you or your responsibility. I'm saying stuff too because of where I'm at at the moment.
Who said I don't want to be here chatting to you?
Here's a question. What would you say to me if I said bugger everything. I'm a mess, my life is a mess, I'm not going to try anything anymore? I am going to eat all the time and spend all day in bed. I am not going to leave the house. I am not going to try and better myself. Hey, maybe I won't even have a shower. What do you think? How would that make you feel if I said that or were to do that? What do you think you would say to me?
I'm not upset. Do you think this would go any differently if it were one of my issues we were talking about? I think in all honesty it would be a million times worse.
Maybe I could be an idiot and try it. I usually just get defensive and avoid acting.
Get better first then if it still matters fight her then.
It's not a nice feeling to feel as though your rights have been violated. You feel so powerless to do anything.
There should come a time when your aunt shouldn't be able to access anything of yours without your consent.
I'm not angry with you. Or maybe I am. I feel angry that you don't see that anything you do to better your life will benefit you (as well as your aunt. Forget your aunt).
No, you're not driving me away. We're posting fine. We're both saying what we need to say. Some of this is my issues too remember. Not all of it is you or your responsibility. I'm saying stuff too because of where I'm at at the moment.
Who said I don't want to be here chatting to you?
Here's a question. What would you say to me if I said bugger everything. I'm a mess, my life is a mess, I'm not going to try anything anymore? I am going to eat all the time and spend all day in bed. I am not going to leave the house. I am not going to try and better myself. Hey, maybe I won't even have a shower. What do you think? How would that make you feel if I said that or were to do that? What do you think you would say to me?
I'm not upset. Do you think this would go any differently if it were one of my issues we were talking about? I think in all honesty it would be a million times worse.
Maybe I could be an idiot and try it. I usually just get defensive and avoid acting.
I just read your messagas yes i found it alittle hurtful. I will admit it. I'm just really upset right now. Not cuz of your comment though/. Not angry just hurt. It's not easy to change and what for so my aunt gets everything. All I want is at least half of my disability. I really want all of it. I know I can handle it. I was doing fine before those people moved in. And I want another chance but I'll never get one. I have tried to fight this thing several times. It's just time to face it. I can't beat her and the really good lawyer she paid for with my money. I can't beat her. My lawyer didn't even fight for me. And no one will take the case. I'm sorry if I want to give up but to me there is really no other oppion. I mean I won't even get some of my disability. It would be different if she was there for me. And she would like work it out with me so I could get some money too without having to take it to the courts. And if she was there for me. But she isn't. So not only do I feel like I have no rights I am controlled by someone who only cared for the money. Honestly I don't think I'll ever get over this. I'll never be free. If I try to better my life it's all for nothing cuz anything I do she will get. Like if I decided to prusue my education agian if my mind was normal and then got a job as a teacher which was what I had wanted to do, or any job I would have to work real hard for my money just for it all to go to my aunt. I don't know if your angry at me. I feel like you are. But I don't want to go out and work hard just for my aunt to reap the benifits. I feel like such a burden. I wished I never told you this story. I feel like I'm driving you away. It seems like people never want to be around me very long. And now I feel like I'm driving you away. I can't even post right. I'm so stupid. I really thought posting was the answer. Now I wished I would have held it in but not because of your comment. Because now I feel like I upset you. I guess I messed up even on the internet. I can't do anything right. Anyway if you don't think I'm totally lame please respond. If you don't I guess it will be another mess up on my part. I hope to hear from you.
Are you angry with me for the comments I made?
I feel frustrated and I feel frustrated for you. I know change is extremely hard. I feel so stuck myself and change feels like it should be so easy. I'm sorry if I minimized your efforts and your issues.
Are you going to write back and at least tell me how angry you are with me and how upset my comments made you feel? I'm insecure too.
I'm sorry if my comments upset you. Really. It was not my intention to hurt you. I guess I'm just really struggling too.
I feel frustrated and I feel frustrated for you. I know change is extremely hard. I feel so stuck myself and change feels like it should be so easy. I'm sorry if I minimized your efforts and your issues.
Are you going to write back and at least tell me how angry you are with me and how upset my comments made you feel? I'm insecure too.
I'm sorry if my comments upset you. Really. It was not my intention to hurt you. I guess I'm just really struggling too.
You may never get your money back but you should get what you are currently entitled too. It is wrong that your aunt controls and terrorizes you like that.
Some people surprise us. Even those with a long track record. People can change.
I don't understand why you don't do some things for yourself now. Or don't try too.
I even feel a little angry and frustrated with you and your attitude. I just want to shake you to show you what you are doing to yourself. You can do some of this stuff you say you can't. I just think you need loads of support to start off with. I think it's probably more a confidence thing than anything else.
I feel so frustrated and angry about my own situation.
When do you see your T next? Psychiatrist?
Some people surprise us. Even those with a long track record. People can change.
I don't understand why you don't do some things for yourself now. Or don't try too.
I even feel a little angry and frustrated with you and your attitude. I just want to shake you to show you what you are doing to yourself. You can do some of this stuff you say you can't. I just think you need loads of support to start off with. I think it's probably more a confidence thing than anything else.
I feel so frustrated and angry about my own situation.
When do you see your T next? Psychiatrist?
I have talked about it. It don't matter anymore it's to late. I'll never get my money back. I'm doomed to be controled by my aunt for the rest of my life. When mom is gone I think I'll be put in a home which has now become my worst fear both put in a home and loosing my mom. I'm pretty sure my aunt would rather put me away then have to help me out. I just dont want to live anymore. I know she won't help. She would have to take me places and buy me food and pay my bills. Make appointments for me. She won't help I know. She wouldn't even take me to the doctors when I was having a big problem. I ended up in the emergancy because they thought it could be serios. Luckily it wasn't as serios as they thought, but it could have been life threating. You don't know. Yet one of her friends asked to be picked up (same day as I was taken to the hospital by ambulance/day we asked her to help) and she happily went to take that friend somewhere. So we had to pay a lot of money to take a cab back home. If I get put in a home I'll probably be in a daze for the rest of my life. And I'll have to live with a bunch of strangers who are mentally challenged or mentally unhealthy probably worse and unable to communicate normally. Cuz I think mainly people who are so messed up there is nothing they can do live there and I am messed up but I'm still here broken and lost I may be but my mind still functions for the most part. Sorry to be dumping this on all of you but this is what I think about all the time expecially when my mom took that pill.
You should speak to your therapist. Tell him how you really feel.
Surely if you're competent you're old enough to manage your own money.
Surely if you're competent you're old enough to manage your own money.
Thanks for the post. I'm glad you understand. I'm doing somewhat better today. Been absorbed on the computer and haven't been sulking in reality. I don't know if I'm in that danger zone or not but I don't even think I care. Pretty bad huh. I can't help the way I feel. My life is ruined anyway. Well anyway going back on to chat on that website. I hope to hear from you two agian. Talk later.
That really isn't fair. She has your money and stuff but you should be allowd to move where you want to. I'm sorry but thats bull****. She don't have it over you right? Cuz if she does I see how she could have say but still your an adult. If you and your mom want to move you should be allowed to. And I see why you resent her. That wasn't nice to say that to you. She is your family and if you need help she should be willing to help expecially if she has that much control in your life. I see why you are angry. I mean I don't know if you can handle your assets or not but if she is going to take care of it she needs to do what is best for you and that means helping you. Well I hope you feel better soon. I am so tired right now but I am having trouble slepping. I hate that. Well I'll probably be up for awhile. Think I'll watch some tv.
No she is getting my check every month if I get disability. This alowance thing would be from that money but I may not even get any stypens. So I may have to go to court to try to get a little bit of my check if I get aproved. But she will get all of the check if I don't get awarded any of it. If she gets all of it I'll have to pretty much groval for some money. Like a dog. No I don't want to be like that greedy selfish cold fish. You know what she told me once. It was before she was allowd to keep the money but it was after she stole it. She told me, "If you run out of money don't show up on our doorstep." meaning hers or her fathers. See that is exactly why I don't want her to have it. Unfortantly I think it's to late unless mom can get it instead but that aint gonna happen cuz mom has mental illness and my aunt dont. Unfortantly they are making sure that we can't leave. Like mom and I really want to move away. We hate it here now. We just want a fresh start somewhere else but they won't let us. It's not fair. 1st they take from me. Then they are rewarded. And then it isn't just the money they want control over. It's us as well. They don't want us to be happy and live somewhere else. They wanna keep us trapped here like rats. We have no say where we live or what we do. Honestly I feel like the only way I will ever be happy is to die. Then I won't have to be a prisoner no more. I hate my life and I dread waking up. This is why I spend all my time trying to escape reality in my mind cuz I can't physically get out of this mess. And I admit I tried doing what mom did when she was severly depressed the 1st time. I tried to just lay my life away but it just wasn't for me. My body would cramp up after a few days in the bed. I didn't sleep much. It didn't help me escape. I still thought about the problems and how life is terrible. But it didn't work for me. I know maybe I shouldn't be doing what I am doing. My counciler said that imagination and stuff can be good but that there is a line that can be past that. I don't know if he ment like believing that fantisies are real and not reality. I'm not sure. He don't think I'm there or anything but he kinda warned me about it. But if I don't do this I will go into a daze for who knows how long like I did when dad died and when I 1st came back to this state and moved in with my ex friend not the users but she kicked me out. So she ain't much better. And I can't change anything so I just try not to think about my life. As soon as I get out of doing there things to keep occupied and I think I become severly depressed. I mean I always get depressed but it gets bad. And I don't know if moving would fix everything. I doubt it would, but it would help because it felt right when I was there. And I really loved it there. And it ain't fair that we can't even be where we want to be. I mean they got what they wanted. The money. Why do they have to stop mom and me from living too.
You're welcome! If you really think about it you don't judge us either.
It never is easy disclosing sensitive material. I find it easier over the net. The same is probably true for many others.
Can't you contest that? Surely your disability payments should be going to you.
It sounds like your inner child is stomping her foot and standing her ground. What of how she feels isn't being validated? Setting goals and making plans does not mean that what happened is OK or that you've accepted it or moved past it. It means it happened but lets do what we can with what we have now. Dr Gould would say it's about looking at reality. Take what you have now not what you did have (back then). The same applies to me and ... well everyone really. We can't change the past but we can change now.
But it is doing that that is going to keep you nuts.
I'm in the same situation. No money, no skills, etc, etc. Avoiding or doing the same thing doesn't change anything. Only makes you feel more depressed, hopeless, helpless and desperate.
Would that allowance you talk about cover rent, food, power, etc? If it does then forget your aunt. You don't need her, you don't want to become like her (or at least I hope you don't). It's easier said than done though.
Is there a residential program you could enroll in? Maybe even an intensive inpatient program to help you build skills and stuff? I only ask because these are things I have considered for myself at some point. I think if we do anything it needs to be pretty intensive to help facilitate positive change.
It never is easy disclosing sensitive material. I find it easier over the net. The same is probably true for many others.
Can't you contest that? Surely your disability payments should be going to you.
It sounds like your inner child is stomping her foot and standing her ground. What of how she feels isn't being validated? Setting goals and making plans does not mean that what happened is OK or that you've accepted it or moved past it. It means it happened but lets do what we can with what we have now. Dr Gould would say it's about looking at reality. Take what you have now not what you did have (back then). The same applies to me and ... well everyone really. We can't change the past but we can change now.
But it is doing that that is going to keep you nuts.
I'm in the same situation. No money, no skills, etc, etc. Avoiding or doing the same thing doesn't change anything. Only makes you feel more depressed, hopeless, helpless and desperate.
Would that allowance you talk about cover rent, food, power, etc? If it does then forget your aunt. You don't need her, you don't want to become like her (or at least I hope you don't). It's easier said than done though.
Is there a residential program you could enroll in? Maybe even an intensive inpatient program to help you build skills and stuff? I only ask because these are things I have considered for myself at some point. I think if we do anything it needs to be pretty intensive to help facilitate positive change.
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A list of national and international resources and hotlines to help connect you to needed health and medical services.
Herpes sores blister, then burst, scab and heal.
Herpes spreads by oral, vaginal and anal sex.
STIs are the most common cause of genital sores.
Condoms are the most effective way to prevent HIV and STDs.
PrEP is used by people with high risk to prevent HIV infection.
