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Avatar universal

Can you please help me?

My husband and I have been married over 20 years and we have a 18 year old daughter and 14 year old son.  My husband never give my daughter the time of day.  Her and I have always been so close.  It''s all different now, she never wants to be around me and it appears she hates the sight of me.  My husband has been going to her bedroom constantly laying on her bed and talking.  Then of course he says he fell asleep but this is now an everynight situation and now he wants her to go everywhere with him.  Their whole relationship is different.  Could he possibly be having sex with his own daughter?  What do you think is really going on?


This discussion is related to Sleeping in bed with mom.
39 Responses
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Avatar universal
There is so little information and so many possibilities. This thread is 8 years old. On the surface from the information given this does not sound "normal" for the father to be with the daughter most all the time and not with the rest of the family. And behind a closed or locked door. I'm a 50's dad of a 6 year old daughter and have been in relationships with women that had kids. I'm a single dad due to our wonderful wife/mothers untimely death. I've been a good father or "father figure" to all of the kids from my two past relationships. I've seen and heard a lot of things in my time.

Does the daughter "hate" the mother for some reason? Is the daughter trying to destroy the family because the mother has been verbally or psychologically abusive to the daughter? Does the daughter have other psychological or drug problems? Is the mother paranoid/jealous and overstating the issue? Has the mother been controlling and mean?  The BIG question, are the father and daughter actually having/developing a sexual relationship? Children and teenagers can sometimes be devious also. Is the daughter trying to split the family up or make the mother jealous? If a divorce is looming and/or the parents relationship is bad, are both parents trying to coach the kids to take their side?


If someone else is in a similar situation I would suggest hiring a private detective to install cameras and investigate, if you can not do this yourself. Protect your children but don't falsely accuse the other parent. Why not just open the door and walk in, listen? It's hard to believe something of a sexual nature is going on right in the house and the mother not being able to know it. There may be much more going on in this family than what little information was given. If they are having a sexual relationship and since the daughter is 18 it might be difficult to do anything about it legally depending on state laws. Why do the mother and daughter have a poor relationship. Did that come first? It seems I mostly have a lot of questions that will never be answered. As I said from the start this does not seem "normal" as described by the mother.

Helpful - 4
Avatar universal
You know what is happening and you are allowing it by not confronting the issue the second your gut felt something was off. Frank discussions, doors open, and refuse to allow him in her room. If nothing going on, he should be fine with those conditions. If he argues, move and get help!
Helpful - 3
Avatar universal
1)IF something sexual is going on, then obviously, it didn't just suddenly start at the daughter's age of 18 but more likely sometime after onset of puberty where the female body is transitioning to Womanhood, where a man/possibly pedo-father, would begin to see her as more sexually appealing and therefore begin to develop and show  sudden interest in spending quality time with her where gradually The Grooming process will set in, (if he's in fact, a pedo father with a Sinister interest.2)This is a serious accusatory assumption being made here and therefore warrants and ABSOLUTE confirmation that a sexual and or inappropriate relationship Unbecoming of a father,is actually taking place, before irreparable damage occurs as a result of taking legal action without having all the facts. 3) There's nothing wrong with lying down with and spending time with one's daughter at any hour of the day or night if it happens occasionally but this father's behaviors and actions involving his daughter is indeed very questionable and eyebrow raising because NO father should be spending so much time with and sleeping over in bed with his teenage adult daughter ON THE REGULAR, during bedtime hours. That's about as red as a flag can get. If you're unsure what to do,then seek professional advice.
Helpful - 3
Avatar universal
I don't want to jump to conclusions, but coming from someone who was molested by her father it sounds very suspicious..may at least be the beginning of grooming her, making it feel like it's normal for him to sleep in there..My dad was very methodical about it..Installing a camera may not be a bad idea. At least talking to her in private would be a good idea.
Helpful - 3
Avatar universal
The fact that she seems to hate the sight of you is because she feels you are doing nothing about it. She's trying to reach out for help here read the signs. Takes her everywhere she's helpless if you can't see it she feels she has to go and do what he says she's helpless. Trust me this happened to someone I know and these are the same things. She is being manipulated by this man who's supposed to be her protector. Stop it while can. It's wrong and not normal. No dad that has real love for their of age daughter doesn't give her space etc. He's obviously abusing her and she's afraid of him. Won't say anything coz his her own dad. Hates you coz you're not seeing it. Dear this is sick what your husband is doing. Worse since it is her biological father. Gosh I hate such men. Thank god we got rid of 1 from our family
Helpful - 3
1 Comments
From my experience,  yes he is, and the reason why she seems to hate you is because she sees you as competition.  ..
Avatar universal
Everything in this situation is a NO NO NO. I don't get some of you people!! Her and her daughter were close now she is WITHDRAWN. The father had no interest in her until he decided to have sex with her. If the father wanted to talk/bond with his daughter why does it have to be at night in her bedroom every night with him supposedly falling asleep. He should want to get in bed and touch his WIFE. The daughter is feeling guilt, shame, depression and confusion. I know this is an old question but to OP if you ever see this, I am soooo sorry you had to deal with this. I hope you and your daughter have been able to heal and that you have lost any emotional attachment to that narcissistic predator.
Helpful - 3
Avatar universal
Obviously him falling asleep in her bed on a daily basis is not normal. It's normal to bond but must it always be at night? Hopefully it's innocent, but the fact that your relationship with your daughter has changed also sets off a red flag. Trust your gut. Talk to your daughter in a non-accusatory manner. Try to find out what's causing the tension. Could it be your husband is opening up to her about marital problems & she's become resentful or could the cause be more sinister in nature. Regardless, start by opening the lines of communication with your daughter. After all, it's your duty to protect her.
Helpful - 3
Avatar universal
At 18 a girl would already be involved with boys her age and less susceptible to whatever reasoning that has her father sleeping in her bed every night. So this has been happening since she was vulnerable enough to believe it if it is happening. Why would she hate her mother? Well two things. Either she's being lead to believe mommy is being hateful to her beloved father and a girl's first love is her father becomes twisted. She believes she can be a better wife than her mother. OR She hates her because she never SAVED her. She's in the same house night after night THINKING and doing nothing. Meanwhile this is HAPPENING to her daughter who is probably being told "see? She doesn't care about US. Daddy loves you so it's ok. She never busted in to stop him. She never opened the door to say hey babe come to bed. In her daughter's eyes she knew it was happening and did NOTHING. HIM? He is an animal. Put him under the jail. Personally he would be sporting a nice sized crack between his eyes from the Louisville the FIRST time he "Fell Asleep." Because I would check on him and tell him to come to bed or the three of us are sleeping on her bed.
Helpful - 2
Avatar universal
Go to eBay, buy an alarm clock that has a hidden camera.  They are 10 dollars from China and can stream video to your phone app.  
Helpful - 2
Avatar universal
I wish I knew how this turned out. Are some men as terrible as a ton of people automatically assumed here or was it an innocent bonding time? I wouldve come in unsuspiciously and bring them like cocoa or something without any warning
Helpful - 2
Avatar universal
So what's the results? I'd hide a camera... Wish.com has tons of hidden cameras u can plant in her room
Helpful - 2
Avatar universal
Hey, so I'm a girl, and I can tell you with 100% certainty that I would never have wanted my dad chilling in my room during bedtime at age 18. He would never have done anything to me, but I still wouldn't have wanted a parent hovering over me when I'm trying to sleep. That's weird.

Also, I dealt with molestation from relatives as a child, and this kind of shady lingering separate "quality time"  **** is suspicious as ****. That's exactly the kind of ploy predators use to separate guardians from their targets. This question is ancient, but if anyone came here with a similar situation on their mind: don't live with uncertainty and suspicion a minute longer. Get the facts right now, ask people what's up, see with your own eyes what's going on, and act accordingly. You are a PARENT before you are a WIFE. You have an obligation to your child. Your kid's safety is more important than your spouse's feelings.
Helpful - 2
Avatar universal
I say hidden camera. Even though this situation has probably already ended.
Helpful - 2
Avatar universal
That is very odd, I would definitely ask your daughter in private while your husband is gone. I would say, '' How do you feel about your father spending so much time with you  and see how she acts about the question.
Helpful - 2
Avatar universal
Immediately kick him out of the house, protect your daughter. Take your daughter and tell her you love her then ask what is going on. Then immediately call Cops/CPS. Your daughters safety is primary.
Helpful - 1
Avatar universal
Nanny cam in her room.
Helpful - 1
Avatar universal
Please help this little girl. I hate to say it but most likely you are  right. I would put a camera in. If it is something like you suspect dont take matters into your own hands.  let the law handle it. She doesnt need her mom in jail. Have you confronted him?
Helpful - 1
Avatar universal
Hi. I would install a camera. He's probably brainwashed her. It's easy when your that age to get confused. It's her father and she trusts him, she may think in some way it's ok, because he's telling her it is. Do trust your mother instinct it's what we have as mothers and usually is right. God bless you and I hope it's not happening.
Helpful - 1
Avatar universal
This is not a "normal situation."   I would invest in a spy camera/nanny cam.  You can always ask your daughter and/or your husband but you will always have doubts.  
Helpful - 1
Avatar universal
This question is 7 years old, but I would love to hear how it turned out. im almost certain they are messing around.
Helpful - 1
1 Comments
Right
Avatar universal
Well let me start by saying Im glad Im not a member of your family's  if a father cant fall asleep on his daughters bed without been branded a peadophile or pervert. Have you ever thought that they have just bonded after 18 years of missed relationship. Maybe your marriage has broken down in his eyes and it is an escape for him?? Dont get me wrong there could be something more sinister but this is a man you have been married to for over 20 years and have two children with, surely peadophila and insest are not the first conclusions you can come to. I truely hope you sort your problem out and I truely hope its an innocent explication.
Helpful - 1
3 Comments
I'm sorry, but it is in no way, shape or form normal for a GROWN MAN to suddenly sleep in his daughter's room whom he had no relationship with before.... No, it is NOT normal.
I'm glad your not a member of this family either! I have never heard of a father crawling into bed with his grown *** daughter! This is really disturbing and definately strange.The girl is 18! Sorry not right! If it is a situation where  he's having trouble in the marriage area with his wife and wants some space there's a damn couch he can sleep on! The 18 year old daughter's bed is unacceptable!
This needs to be investigated this poor girl will be ruined for the rest of her life all because the man(perv) she calls dad wants to manipulate and prey on his daughter ...Disgusting he's a predator for sure! What the hell is wrong with this damn world!!!
If it was like once a week thing maybe but every night? if it didnt happen before? i wouldnt automatically go for predator maybe, seems a bit extreme, but it is strange if it suddenly happens every night, in bed, not in the living room or something. Porn sites will also show you that some men have very disturbing fantasies involving their daughters (as do daughters involving their fathers but theyre hormonal kids, the adult should know better). The fact that the number of these men (and women) is more than 0 is concerning.
Avatar universal
Dude. I lived with my aunt and uncle for a year and ended up having a sexual relationship with the husband. This is EXACTLY what we did. He would help me with homework and then fall asleep and then early in the morning the wife would realize and come down and get him. We went to the store together, on walks at night, watched movies together, I helped him with building projects. We weren't actually related and his wife was evil so it's not as ****** up as yours but I wholeheartedly believe that's what's going on in your home. And my gradual infatuation with him was also my gradual hatred of the wife. So that's you in this scenario. And that explains why your daughter doesn't want to be around you. She's jealous. You gotta get him out of your house. Your daughter is going to hate you for it but know that you're doing that right thing. And get her some therapy. It takes time. But you cannot let her be around him anymore.
Helpful - 1
1 Comments
You can't just say that she is jealous and that is why she is acting like that. She could also be really upset with her mother for not being able to see what is happening behind closed doors with her dad. That's usually how teens act. The "how could they let this happen???" thought. I know it sounds like it doesn't make sense, but that is how they feel. Like "they know me well enough to know that I'm not OK" its a very uncomfortable thing to talk about with a parent because of fear of said parents reaction.
Avatar universal
It would seem right to question them both, especially your daughter since you once shared a close relationship with her. And I strongly agree with Kryan, that person is dangerous to the household.
Helpful - 1
1 Comments
If he has ignored her the majority of her life it's possible there is another explanation for it. My dad did a similar thing with my sister when she got older.

But he did it out of guilt. He felt bad that she had to hear that she was the reason our parents got divorced her whole life.

Which was compounded by the fact that I was literally the only child he wanted, the only one he planned for and when he left my mother I was the only one he wanted and tried to get custody of until my stepmother told him he had to take all of his children not just me.

My siblings knew all this **** because he was not shy about saying that I was the only child he wanted. When my sister got older his guilt got the best of him and he tried to overcompensate with giving her **** and including her in father daughter outings that had only been me and him before.

The sudden change might seem weird but it's possible that his guilt for ignoring her got the best of him and he is overcompensating in an inappropriate looking way.
Avatar universal
Please someone talk to me and tell me if you or anyone you know has ever experienced anything like this.  I'm just in shock and I want to know how to find out if it is happining. Do I ask them? It's so hard to act normal like nothing is going on.
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1 Comments
Do not allow it a single moment longer. You must deal with it. Discussions and ultimatums. If nothing is happening, he still has no reason to be in her room at night, and he should not want it to appear there is something. Insist all doors left open. If happens again, move out with daughter immediately. If nothing is going on, he should have no problem with the open door policy and not going into her room after dusk.
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