This is so embarrasing, but need to get it out!!! please read

[cassie78]

I can't believe that I'm going to talk to a bunch of strangers, but I can't talk to my friends about this. I'm a 30 year old women, been married for 8 years, together for 11. Have a pretty good marriage. For me the sex has been boring up untill last year and I had my first O when dh was using his hands. It felt good, but I could live without it. Well 2 nights ago we were messing around and dh started doing oral sex on me, which is not that unusual. Well while he was down there he started kissing and licking the wrong hole. At first I thought he just lost his way but then kept going back and forth between that area and where he "should" be. I didn't say anything because I was so shocked. (no dissrespect to any of you that like it, it's just not for me) So I pulled him up and said that I was done with that, so we started making love. He didn't want to *** early so he asked if he could go back down and try something and said he wouldn't stick anything in, just wanted to kiss & lick. I said I just wanted to be close so we just started to have sex again. He has always told me that that area is gross and he doesn't understand how gay guys do it, so why did he do it to me? I feel like something has changed w/ us now and I don't want to have sex anymore. I know I should talk to him about it, but how do I bring this up? What do I say???

[pertykitty]

is this your concern, he has began trying new things to please you. you dont like it, you dont care about having an o, you just want boring ol sex back? if you just recently started having orgasms, i bet he is so darn excited after all these years he will do ANYTHING to get it to happen again. if you have been married this long you should be able to discuss anything openly without embarresment. you have to communicate your needs and desires along with your dislikes. i dont get the take it or leave it part, if i had to finish my life on earth without an o, id probably lay down and cry! lol.

[RockRose]

This sounds like a teenage boy fantasy.

Sorry,  "Cassie" if I'm wrong.  I don't think I am.  Usually by the time a woman is 30 years old,  she knows how to spell "woman".  And if she just had her first orgasm at around 30,  she wouldn't say but I could live without it.

Sorry if I misjudge.

[barn babe]

"Sorry, "Cassie" if I'm wrong. I don't think I am. Usually by the time a woman is 30 years old, she knows how to spell "woman". And if she just had her first orgasm at around 30, she wouldn't say but I could live without it."

Interesting take on the original post. It wouldn't have occurred to me otherwise. What seems strange is how "Cassie" seems unable to use appropriate anatomical (?anatomic) language. The words "anus," "vagina," and "orgasm" don't appear anywhere in this post.   For a 30-year-old "women," that  does seem strange.

[cassie78]

From the time I was 6 to 11  I was sexualy abused by my grandfather. I have always had issues with sex. I was in counceling for years right after my gf was arrested, but quit and just pushed it all away and tried to forget. I am now back in therapy once a month. (I don't see therapist for 3 weeks or I would ask her)
but I still see sex as dirty and am still very embarrased about the subject. Even the words vagina makes me feel like a child again.
Don't get me wrong, the physical part of an orgasm is good, but it's harder for me to get there emotionaly. Last year was the first time I was able to relax and let go and let it happen. That is why it took me so many years to have one. The feeling would get too intence and I would hate that "good" feeling.
I don't mind dh trying new things. We have done all sorts of positions and everything. What my problem was is what he had done. Is that normal to do that or is that just me and my issues that is creating the problem? I think part of what is bothering me is that after all these years he has said that it was gross, and now all of a sudden he wants to do it.

And just because I spelled one word wrong you think this is a joke? I'm nervous and spelled 'woman' wrong. Who cares?? Have you never spelled anything wrong before? Why are you so quick to judge and just assume that this is a joke?
I came here looking for some support about a subject that is very hard for me to talk about. I don't know, maybe I came to the wrong place.......

[pertykitty]

i am so sorry you went through that. i must be hard to let go with such trauma. i suppose its up to you now to be strong and open up. im sure it has been a journey for your dh as well. i can see how you can read into things with the trust issues you have. i suppose this is a great problem to work out with your therapist.

[barn babe]

Why don't you ask your husband why his behavior has changed? I don't know, wouldn't that be a good place to start? Can't you just tell him you're curious about why this has changed?

I tend to get a little suspicious when hetero guys make remarks about "how gay men can do" something. I don't mean suspicious like it's a big deal. Sometimes it can mean they are conflicted about their sexuality, or about the practice itself, or something like that.(The strongest homophobics tend to be the most conflicted about their sexuality.)  All kinds of people do all kinds of stuff sexually.  I just dislike the stereotypes about certain groups of people.

No, it's not unusual to want different things in a sexual relationship. Some folks just don't discuss stuff first, and they just jump in and try things and wait for the reaction from their partners. (Although I personally can't imagine being in  a relationship like that.) If he is doing something you're not comfortable with, he needs to know. Also, I guess I'm assuming your husband knows something about your background of being abused, and it seems like he would want to be a little more careful about instituting different behaviors with you. Just a thought.

Now that you have explained your situation, you do sound emotionally and sexually cut off.  Good luck with your therapy work in that regard.

[RockRose]

Cassie - it wasn't your misspelling that made me doubt your post,  it was your complete detachment from the subject you were talking about.  You are describing this sex act, and your sex life with your husband,  like a person who wasn't actually there and didn't experience it.    It was only then that I noticed the misspelling.

I'm really sorry to have misjudged,  and that's why your writing has that tone - it's probably because you DO feel completely detached,  bless your heart.  I think when you go back to your therapist,  you maybe could print out your post - I think she/he would find it really helpful,  and would be able to see so well how you actually feel.  

I wish you could talk to your husband that way a woman who hadn't been so abused to be able to talk to him.  To say "I was surprised by you the other night,  you've always said that was gross and so I felt really gross and ugly when you did that.   I kept stopping you because I felt like you must think it was gross",  or something like that.

Best wishes.  He sounds like he's a very patient man,  and is trying to please you, and hopefully he will listen to you when you talk to him about this.  

[marra]

hey , dont worry about the mis- spell i am really bad for it ! i too am 30 and i hd never o untill i was 24 and had been together for 7 years by then , i too was abused so maybe it is an issue you need to talk about . i know ive no room to talk coz i never had therapy !
anyway to deal with your situation i would wait untill next time you are intimate and say " you know i was not keen on the anal stuff you did last time but  i do like it when you lick my ........... "
maybe it will help ?
good luck x x

[BearHitch]

I wouldn't wait until the next time you are being intimate, I would bring it up now.  Just talk to him about it.  If sex has always been boring until now, maybe he sensed that as the others said when you did finally "O."  Maybe what he did to you was something he just wanted to try and see if YOU liked it and would bring some spark back.  And if you didn't like what he did, why don't you try some things that are new and see if he likes them?  Then you somewhat have more control over what is new and I am sure he'd like the change too.  If you had an "O" and can live without, I wonder if you actually had one!  I am with the other poster- I would cry if I couldn't anymore!  :)  I understand with what you went thru it being difficult to talk about the subject, but how else is he going to know if you don't tell him?  Good luck!

[slow_healer]

Cassie, do you feel like the therapy is actually helping? Sometimes a person can go to these sessions over and over without getting anywhere. Sometimes you have to jumpstart the change in yourself. Though I don't know much about what happened with the sexual abuse (let's call it SA), I KNOW that you don't have to live with it forever. I have also been a victim of SA (like you, my abuser was the grandfather).

If you're not doing so already, I would recommend supplementing your therapy sessions with this: Surviving Childhood Sexual Abuse Workbook (Author: Carolyn Ainscough and another name I can't remember). Don't limit your work on this only to your once-a-month sessions.

haha, sometimes I have also felt I could live without the big O. But that's usually when I have too much baggage and stress. When I learn to put that stuff aside, I learn to feel alive again by letting somebody else in and really letting them make me happy. I really just want to let you know that you don't have to feel this disconnected forever. Have you and your husband ever done things (like take a bath or massage each other) without having sex? Activities like that have helped me tremendously to move past certain obstacles.

Also, I wanted to add that it's not unusual of your husband to want to try anal stimulation. What he said about it before could have been just token comments to agree with popular opinion. I hope this helps!

[misscloey]

Hi, just reading all the postings here and first would like to say that I am sorry for what you have been through. Sex is complicated enough without throwing abuse into it. You and your husband should be able to sit down and discuss these things. It should be something you both work on together, and I feel that what is normal for some is not necesserily normal for others.Please try to talk to him and if he loves you like I think he does, it will all work itself out, just be honest with him and with yourself.

[chellybeans]

in my opinion, he may have gotten curious. we have all done one thing or another that we said we would never do. i think that is just human nature. at least, i know i have been there.

i would, just like everyone else said, tell him you don't care for that. maybe let him know you are open to new things(assuming you are), but that one thing made you uncomfortable. if you put too much into stressing that it is gross, your dh may find him self feeling ashamed so be gentle.

i wish you a nice recovery. i know that being a victim of sexual abuse at a young age can entirely alter your self image and sexuality.good luck and god bless.

[boosty]

hi. i havent writtent in this forum before. but i wanted to put my two cents in this one. i think that you should be happy and thankful that your husband is not only trying to please you, but experimenting on you and not somewhere else.he maybe tired of old sex adn wants to sex it up a bit. and yeah i think that he is excited that you had an o so he wants to please you more. maybe he is even trying to hint to you that he needs more kink or foreplay. but you need to be honest with him and let him know what you like and what you dont like. dont be too straight forward cause mens egos go down the drain. just tell him what turns you on more and he can stick to that instead of poking where he doesnt belong. good luck. oh and one more thing. some men like it when you play wtiht their "back door"  it isnt gay or anything . it just turns them on. maybe he wants you to be more open to try that with eachother. what i am trying to say is that you never know until you talk to him. ask him what he wants out of the sexual relationship and what turns him on  and why hes trying different things all of a sudden. be honest. and be open. dont be afraid to tell him what you would rather have him do instead. good luck.

[midnitemoon]

By the way alot, and I mean alot of men are interested in that particular area.  Its because its usually off limits to them that they find it so fascinating, like a challenge.  There are women out there that enjoy that as well so its really not unusual at all for him to focus in on that.  Its really what you prefer and what you think feels good.  It sounds like he was just trying something new.  

[TinaQ256]

A lot of people act "disgusted" by things that most people see as gross or immoral...when in all reality it's something they might be into or find sexually arousing.  It's kind of a macho thing for men to say that gay men do these things and they would never try it.  Lots of people will act like those things are something they would never try, but in privacy could be into it.  

Talk to your husband about it and tell him it's not just something only homosexuals are into and it certainly doesn't mean he is gay.  If you do not like it, then ask him not to do it, but help him do other things that arouse you.  There are many people who are a "lady in the sheets, but a freak in the bed"  or "gentlemen in the sheets, so on and so forth"

:D

He probably loves the fact that you had an orgasm and wants it to happen more.  Men usually love it when a woman climaxes, so he's probably just being creative and trying to make you climax.  Let him explore, but help him stay within your boundries.

Good luck!

[mami1323]

Tina just to let you know you keep pulling up really old posts.