Am I just being Insecure?

[wunabnorm]

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[wunabnorm]

I have been with my husband for 2 yrs, and married for 1. I have 2 children who are 3 and 5. Since I was a teenager, I used a heated vibrator for pleasure, and because it was the only thing that could make me have an orgasm. I am 24 now, and think that I have nerve damage to the clitoris, because for the last year and a half, I have lost sensation in my clitoris, and it has caused me to become loose. Before we got married, he cheated on me with a girl lets just say he had no interest in other than sex. I know he did this because men crave a tight vagina, and he probably isn't fully satisfied with me. I took him back because I loved him, and I thought like what if he was in my shoes, and he couldn't get erect, then I would have probably cheated too. It is sad I know, because we love eachother, but sex is a stress relief for both partners. And I guess that I am just afraid that we are married now, and that he may do it again. I mean... we have sex almost everyday, and I can make him come, but we usually have to watch porn, which is really getting old. Please don't make fun, because this is serious, and I am very touchy when it comes to this. He is a good husband, and an AWESOME stepdaddy, but I just feel like he will cheat again. Can the nerve damage be repaired? If so... how? and, do you think I am in the wrong for being so insecure? Please help, and no mean replies please.

[RockRose]

You are really making a lot of guesses here - you're kind of guessing that since you used the vibrator,  your clitoris is now numb which has caused your vaginal muscles to relax which caused your husband to cheat and which also causes him to watch porn.

That's a LOT of leaps!

Maybe he's a cheater because he's a cheater, and your lack of muscle tone has nothing to do with a vibrator.  

There are exercises you can do that would probably help a lot - they're called Kegels,  if you haven't known about them before.

Search the net,  and give it a try - but I wouldn't necessarily think the whole problem with your husband is just that one issue.

Best wishes.

[wunabnorm]

I have heard about kegels, and I have even bought a device called a kegelmaster to strengthen the pelvic floor muscles, but it only helps slightly. I do appreciate your opinion, and know that I should NOT be making excuses for my husband cheating on me. But, after all he DID marry me, and it's like he went from being to doing whatever the heck he wanted with whomever, to having an instant family. I know that's what he chose, and I am not saying that it was ok for him to cheat, but I did leave him for it. But, I guess I felt that it was my "problem" that caused him to do it. I have been working really hard at trying to trust him again, since it has been 1 yr since we have been married on this Sunday, and I am almost positive he hasn't cheated since we were dating, so, I am working on not being so insecure, and trusting him a bit more, but I still keep my guard up, and overreact sometimes. And I also am aware that if I don't get hold of my insecurities, that THAT could cause him to stray as well. Not to be conceited, but I am a very attractive female, and I get alot of attention from guys, but... I don't feel that way alot of times because of the way I am inside. And are you sure that kegels will even help with nerve damage? I have looked all over the net, but there are not alot of topics regarding this matter.

[mayflowers]

Hi, I must admit that I agree with RockRose about making leaps from the fact that you are numb and loose to a cheating man.  Believe me, I've had a man cheat on me and it wasn't because anything was lacking in the bedroom. Or because I couldn't hold a conversation, whatever.  Never take cheating as a sign of your worth or self esteem.  I learned that lesson the hard way.

Still, even when there was cheating involved, if the person who cheats wants to stop and does stop, there is lots of hope for a relationship.  You can get to the point of trust and communication and good sex again if you both want it bad enough.  I do believe in second chances.

I've also had times where I was numb and couldn't climax too.  It was due to stress and not being happy with life at the time.  It wasn't always the man I was with but more my employment situation or financial situation.  

I have heard about surgery for women who want to tighten up their vagina. Many women have this problem so it's not that unusual. I don't know how expensive it is, but I think it would really be worth looking into.  

It's good that you are working on the insecurity issues.  I'm still working on mine and let me tell you, it may take some time but you will get there eventually. I am alot better than I used to be.  I can honestly say I like myself and know that I'm a pretty good person.

Just keep reminding yourself that you are a good and lovable and smart, well, the list can go on.  Write it down and look at the list every morning when you wake up and every evening before you go to bed.   Maybe get a self help book out of the library about building confidence.  I like self help books, they can be interesting and are usually a good, fast read.   I believe that everything we go through is a growth process and there's always a little gem to be learned in each situation.

Good luck with everything.  Look into that surgery, but make sure you go to a reputable doctor with a good hospital.   Hang in there and hope all works out for you!  God bless!!!

[Trialanderror]

A few questions: are you saying you have a loss of muscle tone or is your husband saying that? And are you still using that vibrator? Are you using it vigorously directly on the clitoris? Did your husband say why he was cheating and do you know who he cheated with? It does sound like you are just beating yourself up while your husband has his own agenda.
I can not say much about vibrators but in comparison to a tender manual touch they could for sure desensitize the clitoris if used aggressively. For a few days, but not permanently, I believe. Give yourself time to heal and then start gently. A numb clit would not cause a loss of muscle tone per se but I can see what you mean. There will not be a lot of blood circulation if the clit does not get aroused. You can treat the perceived loss of muscle tone as a separate issue. Kegel exercises are okay even without those devices but no doubt, they need to be repeated many times a day for many months to show effect. It is actually much easier to find a type of sport that exercises each leg alternating like skating or running or kicking. It works like a charm. As for your husband, I agree with RR, likely a cheater will be a cheater while it has nothing to do with you. He would have married a virgin if the issue was truly important to him.

[wunabnorm]

Well, my husband  never really says anything reguarding the issue. But, I notice the difference, and so does he. And yes, I know who the girl was, and no... he never said why he cheated. I never really asked. When i first noticed the change, was about 2 yrs ago, after I had a session with the vibrator, and I felt a really sharp burning sensation at the clitoris for about 5 seconds, and it seemed almost overnight that it happened. I didn't know what was wrong with me. And my husband told me that I felt "open". And I WAS. Not to be gross, but I could stick like 4 fingers in, and not feel a thing inside and no grasp around my fingers. It's not all in my head, and I HAVE had a rectocele surgery which only made the opening a little tighter, but not much at all. I think I am going to try using my kegelmaster more, and definitely do some running, and see if that helps. Thanks so much!

[freespiri2]

Maybe you should focus on pleasuring your husband more and less about pleasuring yourself. I do feel your pain...I also think I have nerve damage due to using a back massager on my clitoris. I "massaged" myself once and I guess it was too strong because my orgasms suck now. I still get a little jerky, but it is no longer accompanied with feelings of bliss. I was scared that I would not be able to keep a man because I would not be pleasured by him and that would cause him insecurity; however, when it comes to sex everyone wants to be pleasured. Become an expert at pleasing your man and you are as good as gold to him. :)