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Sexual and emotional abuse from husband and father
by Diamondice, Jun 12, 2007 12:00AM
This will be long, and I apologize if it is in the wrong area as it touches on two subjects.
Sexual manipulation from my husband as well as emotional abuse from my now 73 year old father that has been living with us since my mother died back in 1984. (he bought the houses, at that point we were very young, so they are in his name..My fathers)
For 25 years I have been married, separated two years, but able to manipulate his way back into my life. I remember once when he flashed alot of money in my face if I had sexual relations with him while we were legally separated. My young children and I at that point were basically starving and the money brought tears to my eyes, so I gave him what he wanted. Eventually we got back together because I could not alone support the children and I without serveing oodles of noodles four days a week,one night using the ovulation method and he always keeping the calendar in his wallet, somehow "goofed" and I was pregnant again at age 36. He has since admitted it was his plan to "keep" me.
In the midst of all this there is my father, living with us, with his own obsession towards me. I was his chat partner, his secretary, his cook, his maid etc. and if I spoke up asking him to make his own phone calls, the nasty verbal abuse started. (My mom died at age 43 from cirossis. terrible alchoholic and I was an only child) during the years, the veral abuse, the invasivness..(to the point of walking in on me when I was bathing, or sitting on the tub when I was putting my makeup on)
Trying to condense this a little, the older I got, the less patience with my father I had, and nastier he got.
Continued sexual manipulation, and emotional abuse from my husband. Not allowed to have friends..NONE..not even on the computer. If I was typing too much, he would come see what I was typing. Jealousy was out of control. If strangers looked at me he would lose it. But lose it on me. I didn't dress right..If i was too "friendly" in his opinion, I would get it. (If I drops something and someone picked it up and I said thank you..that was "too friendly")
The sexual manipulation/abuse consisted of things I didn't want to do...Sexual videos in which he would direct. Make me say things I didn't want to say. (I was also sexually abused as a 7 year old child which I am sure made this harder for me, even though I thought I was normal in that aspect because..it "Happened so long ago" Made sure I had a few beers in me before he started filming. Outfits. he would buy, sexual devices he would make me use. All bought by him and locked up in his gun cabinet by him after he made me use them. But I feared him. Because when I did not "behave". He would short the household on our weekly allowance, and even give the kids less lunch money. During the times I was "sick" he was horrible to me, the children..impossible to be around. Three days ago, after one of our "movie sessions" he was telling me.. that it was getting so bad around here that if it weren't for the fact that assault and battery charges would inhibit him to buy any more hunting guns that one of us..(either me or the teenagers) would have gotten hurt. He pinched his fingers together saying "I was this close" (It was only so bad because I had not been willing to make the trip to our other house and hour away and he was biting at the bit. I had The FLU!)
He almost killed me once already. So I have no doubt in my mind.
Because he knows this time I will press charges.
On Janurary 21st of last year I attempted suicide again. I was in ICU for a week, then regular floor for another week and then "accute adult behavior unit" for another three days. I was also addicted to lortab at the time of attempt. (well..actually off for two weeks) I was too embarrassed to bring up the manipulation or the intense attachment my father has to me and his verbal abuse. So they diagnosed me with "Borderline personality disorder" and "In denial" as far as the drug addiction went. WELL, there was a reason I got addicted and wanted to live in a haze to begin with. The night I attempted suicide..My husband (in which everyone thinks is the greatest thing since sliced bread) knew I had the phenobarbial, 200, 7.5mg or so, give or take, I told him I was taking them. He got in the car with the kids as we were having the biggest fight we had had in a longgggg time. I called him once I started getting woozy..(because I took our epileptic dogs pills told him it needed to be refilled and no doubt was a cry for help) He hung up on me and since then I found out right after the call he took the kids out to dinner. While I waited to drift I cut my wrists. My father came home from work early, and as twisted as this is..vacumned around me laying on the floor and did the few dishes in the sink before calling anyone. "I figured you would come out of it and you didn't cut your wrists that deep from the looks of it" I found THIS out after coming out of the mental institue. My father actually TOLD my husband this!!
When I got out of the hospital I had to deal with social services because my husband told my daughter to tell her guidance counselor what happened. I was, I WAS being investigated so it seemed, as my husband only had to meet with the social worker once. I had to deal with her three days a week for months until our case was closed. Which luckily I didn't lose my kids for what I did. He could care less if we had lost them. Had he, he would have at least asked how the weekly inspections went. (during this time I was in therapy and they got alot of information, all good, from my therapist)
My husband never stopped his sexual abuse. Even on the night I returned home from the hospital. He could not give me a break. And since I got out in Feburary, nothing has changed in that aspect. My kids need me, I know this.
Last night, after having his fun two days ago, once again took me to our other house for his activities. Beer ready, everything set in place. But this time, the more beer drank, the madder I got..and what I bottle up inside came out. Last week my dad got beligerant with me because I couldn't do something for him and he told me "You can't even kill yourself right" My husband was right there and never said a word..the verbal abuse from my dad went on and on and my husband never said a word. So that might be what opened the can of worms for me last night. But the bad thing is...My husband might be gone as I told him I never wanted to see him again and I have made an appointment with an attorney tomorrow..but I have no where to go to escape my father, nor the funds to do it with.
I know this is extreme. It only touches on the hell I live everyday..Aside from escaping my husband..how do I uproot my kids with little or no money to get away from my dad that will become even more invasive and controlling and abusive with not only myself, but verabally abusive to my kids..He told my eight year old two weeks ago "I don't even like you anymore" because she didn't jump as soon as he walked in the door to give him a kiss.
I don't know what to do. Where do I go? how do we survive? He didn't allow me to work. And when I did years ago, my anxiety was too much and I ended up quitting.
Sexual manipulation from my husband as well as emotional abuse from my now 73 year old father that has been living with us since my mother died back in 1984. (he bought the houses, at that point we were very young, so they are in his name..My fathers)
For 25 years I have been married, separated two years, but able to manipulate his way back into my life. I remember once when he flashed alot of money in my face if I had sexual relations with him while we were legally separated. My young children and I at that point were basically starving and the money brought tears to my eyes, so I gave him what he wanted. Eventually we got back together because I could not alone support the children and I without serveing oodles of noodles four days a week,one night using the ovulation method and he always keeping the calendar in his wallet, somehow "goofed" and I was pregnant again at age 36. He has since admitted it was his plan to "keep" me.
In the midst of all this there is my father, living with us, with his own obsession towards me. I was his chat partner, his secretary, his cook, his maid etc. and if I spoke up asking him to make his own phone calls, the nasty verbal abuse started. (My mom died at age 43 from cirossis. terrible alchoholic and I was an only child) during the years, the veral abuse, the invasivness..(to the point of walking in on me when I was bathing, or sitting on the tub when I was putting my makeup on)
Trying to condense this a little, the older I got, the less patience with my father I had, and nastier he got.
Continued sexual manipulation, and emotional abuse from my husband. Not allowed to have friends..NONE..not even on the computer. If I was typing too much, he would come see what I was typing. Jealousy was out of control. If strangers looked at me he would lose it. But lose it on me. I didn't dress right..If i was too "friendly" in his opinion, I would get it. (If I drops something and someone picked it up and I said thank you..that was "too friendly")
The sexual manipulation/abuse consisted of things I didn't want to do...Sexual videos in which he would direct. Make me say things I didn't want to say. (I was also sexually abused as a 7 year old child which I am sure made this harder for me, even though I thought I was normal in that aspect because..it "Happened so long ago" Made sure I had a few beers in me before he started filming. Outfits. he would buy, sexual devices he would make me use. All bought by him and locked up in his gun cabinet by him after he made me use them. But I feared him. Because when I did not "behave". He would short the household on our weekly allowance, and even give the kids less lunch money. During the times I was "sick" he was horrible to me, the children..impossible to be around. Three days ago, after one of our "movie sessions" he was telling me.. that it was getting so bad around here that if it weren't for the fact that assault and battery charges would inhibit him to buy any more hunting guns that one of us..(either me or the teenagers) would have gotten hurt. He pinched his fingers together saying "I was this close" (It was only so bad because I had not been willing to make the trip to our other house and hour away and he was biting at the bit. I had The FLU!)
He almost killed me once already. So I have no doubt in my mind.
Because he knows this time I will press charges.
On Janurary 21st of last year I attempted suicide again. I was in ICU for a week, then regular floor for another week and then "accute adult behavior unit" for another three days. I was also addicted to lortab at the time of attempt. (well..actually off for two weeks) I was too embarrassed to bring up the manipulation or the intense attachment my father has to me and his verbal abuse. So they diagnosed me with "Borderline personality disorder" and "In denial" as far as the drug addiction went. WELL, there was a reason I got addicted and wanted to live in a haze to begin with. The night I attempted suicide..My husband (in which everyone thinks is the greatest thing since sliced bread) knew I had the phenobarbial, 200, 7.5mg or so, give or take, I told him I was taking them. He got in the car with the kids as we were having the biggest fight we had had in a longgggg time. I called him once I started getting woozy..(because I took our epileptic dogs pills told him it needed to be refilled and no doubt was a cry for help) He hung up on me and since then I found out right after the call he took the kids out to dinner. While I waited to drift I cut my wrists. My father came home from work early, and as twisted as this is..vacumned around me laying on the floor and did the few dishes in the sink before calling anyone. "I figured you would come out of it and you didn't cut your wrists that deep from the looks of it" I found THIS out after coming out of the mental institue. My father actually TOLD my husband this!!
When I got out of the hospital I had to deal with social services because my husband told my daughter to tell her guidance counselor what happened. I was, I WAS being investigated so it seemed, as my husband only had to meet with the social worker once. I had to deal with her three days a week for months until our case was closed. Which luckily I didn't lose my kids for what I did. He could care less if we had lost them. Had he, he would have at least asked how the weekly inspections went. (during this time I was in therapy and they got alot of information, all good, from my therapist)
My husband never stopped his sexual abuse. Even on the night I returned home from the hospital. He could not give me a break. And since I got out in Feburary, nothing has changed in that aspect. My kids need me, I know this.
Last night, after having his fun two days ago, once again took me to our other house for his activities. Beer ready, everything set in place. But this time, the more beer drank, the madder I got..and what I bottle up inside came out. Last week my dad got beligerant with me because I couldn't do something for him and he told me "You can't even kill yourself right" My husband was right there and never said a word..the verbal abuse from my dad went on and on and my husband never said a word. So that might be what opened the can of worms for me last night. But the bad thing is...My husband might be gone as I told him I never wanted to see him again and I have made an appointment with an attorney tomorrow..but I have no where to go to escape my father, nor the funds to do it with.
I know this is extreme. It only touches on the hell I live everyday..Aside from escaping my husband..how do I uproot my kids with little or no money to get away from my dad that will become even more invasive and controlling and abusive with not only myself, but verabally abusive to my kids..He told my eight year old two weeks ago "I don't even like you anymore" because she didn't jump as soon as he walked in the door to give him a kiss.
I don't know what to do. Where do I go? how do we survive? He didn't allow me to work. And when I did years ago, my anxiety was too much and I ended up quitting.
please hunny get help. i will light a candle for you and for your childrens safe escape from this horrible abuse.
LA MUNECA
Needless to say my emotionally abusive father came in my room, sat on my bed ( invasive eh, and I am 44..sheesh) and asked where my husband was.
I told him that he was gone and would not be back. He laughed and said. "yeah, right, your crazy ass can't survive without him" and then laughed hysterically while sitting on my bed. After that comment, I just put my ipod on and waited for him to leave. The thing is..I'm not crazy. They don't realize this. Its not about being crazy or sane, but the way I have been living. What pushes someone over the edge..to try and take their own life...does not make them crazy. Those two need therapy just as well as I do..BUT..my husband made me quit therapy. He would grill me after ever session, asking me what was said etc. I told him...because my shrink touched alot on my sex life with my husband and until now..I was so oblivious I didn't know why. I told my husband one thing he asked about our sexual relations. and since he refused to add me to his insurance was paying cash for the sessions...Cut me off. NO therapy. NO money for therapy. and needless to say, so many thousands of dollars in hospital bills that he will not pay and my credit is **** now.
Anyway..I have to get ready...as far as church goes...I am lutheran..but have not been to church since I got married because I was not allowed. But I will start..but how do I get help from a church? I know I have to get out of this house because of my father, but I have one child going to college, one 17 year old son and an 8 year old. What will happen in a shelter? When I mentioned shelter to them they looked at me like I was crazy.
Thank you all again. I feel this is my first step. I pray all the time, but the odd thing is...I've never prayed for myself. My children, other people..but tonight...for myself as well.
Good for you for taking the steps to get you and your kids out. I'm so happy you're breaking away from this hellish life you've described. You and your kids deserve so much better.
As for getting help from a church, make sure you get a good feeling from the church members before you tell them anything or ask for help. If you walk in the door, and you just get a simple "hello, welcome" from everyone but that's it, then I'd be hesitant to ask for help from them. But if you walk in the door and many people greet you and talk to you and do everything they can to make you feel welcome and appreciate that you're there, then go for it. Church can be so uplifting and beneficial to your emotional health.
I found and decided on my church strictly on how I was greeted when I walked in the door. The first church I tried when I moved to where I am was awful, because I walked in and not one person even said hi to me. It was like I wasn't even there. Then I went to another church the week after, and I walked in, and everyone was so glad to see me, and not a single person had met me before, but they all treated me like I was a family member from the moment I walked in the door. It was somewhat comparable to a welcome home party! I've been going there every week for a year ever since. I know they'd do anything to help me if I needed it.
Good for you for realizing that you need to pray for yourself. You've been neglecting yourself, and you've paid the price. But God has not and will not fail you. Trust Him entirely to get you through future hardships, which are going to be inevitable. You gave in to your husband's manipulation years ago because of the hardship you were going through without his financial support, and that's understandable, it really is. But think of it this way--Jesus faced hardship and temptation to the extreme.