porn addiction- need man's opinion/advice

[jazzyben]

I really need a man's advice on this. My fiancee has a seriously bad porn/masturbation addiction. It is so bad that he has very little interest in "real" sex and has a hard time getting and maintaining an erection otherwise. He virtually never ejaculates with me. I think sex with a real person does nothing for him. This began about 8 years prior to me and his ex didn't know about it and had no interest in sex anyways- which he believes is why he got into this. I am a good looking woman with a pretty good figure. We have a good relationship otherwise and are pretty open about this. We tried counselling and went to a urologist and it is all mental. We didn't go to many sessions because of having to travel and it became very expensive. The problem is that he knows he has a bad problem and wants to stop but I think that when he does refrain the sex with me it is disappointing and he ends up going on line. I have tried to tell him that it will take a while to retrain his mind and relearn to enjoy sex but there is so much pressure to perform now and I am so frustrated. I told him I wanted to postpone the wedding last night until this gets better etc and he was pretty upset. I don't know what to do? Will it get better?? He is so weak... are there stats for recovery from porn addiction? He owns an internet company so staying away from the net is not an option or I would have disconnected it by now. Please someone who has maybe gone through it... any advice???

[nurse2minister]

Hello, I am sorry for all that you are going through with your fiancee addition.  Many people think that porn is harmless, and can even enhance a relationship.  However, porn is very distructive.  It is distructive to those who produce the porn, the porn "stars" and to the people who view or read the stuff.  Porn, affects a mans brain as if he is taking a drug.  What may have turned him on one day, may not be enough to have the same affect the next day.  The more he watches porn, the more he needs in order to be satisfied.  Porn affects men of all ages, and of all walks of life, from the bartender to the local pastor.  What may start as a pop-up on the computer monitor and turn into a full blown addition.  YOu have to face some hard facts in your situation.  It is already obvious that you cant' and will never be able to add up to the expectations of the air-brushed, photoshopped models in the porn mag's and videos.  It is already affecting your relationship.  YOu have to face the choice of marrying this man or waiting until he gets some help.  When a person has Cancer, the cancer must be cut out, burn out and destroyed and that is the same way with porn.  You may have to turn off some cable television channels like the hbo's, cinemaxes, and showtimes---these all have soft porn late at night.  You may have to either get a filter on the computer or stop the internet completely.  He needs to seek out a sexual addition therapist or support group.  I don't know your religious background, but I would suggest you also turn to God for help.  There is an awesome website...http://settingcaptivesfree.com/home/ it is a website devoted to leading people to breaking free of all types of additions, including porn additions.  He also has to know and want to change, and no matter how much nagging you do, he will never change until he wants too.  That may be a harsh reality, but I would not progress any further into the relationship until he gets help, or you are going to get hurt.

[freedolo]

I would suggest looking at the porn that he has.  If its bad stuff then I would be more worried then if it was your run of the mill.  From my exp. most of the men that I know have a porn addiction.  We all stockpile the stuff. Even the ones that you would think wouldn't.  I fixed home PC's for a long time and every computer that had a man somewhere in the house always had a collection in the computer.  Granted allot of the time it was hidden somewhere in some destitute folder. Some guys have a problem admitting they have porn. And when his girl lands on the mother load the guy would feel guilty.  As he tries to talk his way around it all of a sudden it becomes some porn addiction. Mainly because the girl doesn’t understand a mans porn infatuation. From what I understand of addiction it becomes harmful when it starts affecting all aspects of someone’s life.  Like he cant function without it and it affects his job, daily activities, health, and relationships with people. If it’s affecting your love life then try experimenting a little and eventually you guys will find a place where you will both feel comfortable. You never know, his need for porn may subside once a missing notch is filled.

[dvzant]

Addiction implies that he can't survive with out it. I'd bet he's able to go without it so it's more of a choice or preference in stead of an addiction.
I am a married male and I occasionally look at porn by myself and/or with my wife. BUT, if my wife were uncomfortable with it and asked me not to I would no longer look at it. She is more important than the porn.
If you asked him not to look at it any more and he refused then I would say you have a bigger problem than the porn.

[RealWoman56]

I'm married to a porn addict who says he has ceased the activity.  But, I can tell you after 27 years of being with him that you better run if you value your life at all.  They eventually get where they can't perform and you will have emotional turmoil and pain you can't even imagine.  I wish I had known.  I just found out that he had continued his activities Dec 07.  My life is ruined.  His sexuality is ruined.  My sexuality is ruined.  Talk to a psych or a doctor, they will tell you what I am saying is true.  Do a little research.  Get really informed and RUN!

[SixStringer]

It is good that he realizes that he has a problem and that you went for counseling.  It would be good if you could continue the counseling.  If you are living together, you might consider moving out until this problem is resolved, but by all means put off the wedding.  A live woman is always more interesting to a man than what is found on a monitor, I believe, but porn provides a "perfect" situation that cannot always be met in the real world.  You could find out what he is interested in by watching some porn with him.  Men can have a variety of fetishes and interests.  It might be something that you would want to do or it might be too off the wall.  If you two were in mutual agreement with the KIND of sex involved, then getting him off the porn might be easier.  However, some porn is so "out there" that you could not "try it at home".  In a loving relationship, each one of the partners is out to please the other.  In a porn situation, the person involved is out to please himself, obviously.  Going from the singular to the mutual is difficult for some.  Whether this is an addiction or an obsession, it is still detrimental to the relationship because of its intensity and because it is impacting you.  If he truly loves you, you are the major reason for him to quit the porn, and that offers a great incentive.  Even if he does quit, you would have to go into the marriage knowing of his involvement with porn in the past and wondering if he can keep away from it in the future.  

[maharaja]

see its a problem which can be cured easily...your fiancee just needs to do sex just the way he likis it...like may be oral sex could help..try goin foreplay before sex...stimulate him...

[john911]

TEST HORMONES VERY IMPORTANT. WHAT TEST WERE DONE?

[john911]

THE PORN THING IS NATURAL BUT THE INABILITY TO MAINTAIN ERECTION IS NOT. HE DEPENDING ON AGE SHOULD BE WILLING AND ABLE TO DO BOTH. THE PROBLEM MIGHT NOT BE THE PORN, BUT HIS HEALTH.