My HIV Phobia and Irrational Fears Story

[sunsarethebest]

I have a real bad HIV phobia and it relates to my day to day life. Like if i cut my finger on a knife or something i start getting scared and thinking what if somebody else cut them selves on that knife before and they have HIV then i start getting panicky and i get anxiety. It scares the **** out of me. I am going through some hard stuff right now and ill explain it all. Last Saturday on 7/21/07 i went to Walgreens and i was walking out of the store with my bag in my right hand and my receipt in my left hand and i was about to throw the receipt in the trash can by the front doors but the can was full, i didn't just want to shove my whole hand in there so kind of just stuck it in there. I got in my car and drove away and i was almost home and something popped in my head part of my fear and phobia. I started thinking what if i got poked by a needle when i put the receipt in the trash, so i actually turned around and drove back to the store and i started digging in the trash looking for the supposed needle just to calm my fears and prove to myself that there wasn't a needle and that i didn't get poked and that it was all in my head. Well i didn't find on and then i went home and i could not sleep. I was so scared that i got poked or something and i was scared that now i am gonna have HIV so i drove back up to the store looking through the trash again. I know this sounds crazy and i even know its crazy but i was so scared. I started looking in bags and looking through everything just to make sure. I searched for a long time and i didn't find anything. I kept leaving and going home and i could sleep so i would go back to the store and look for more. Its like it would make me feel better knowing that there wasn't a needle that poked me and that i was alright but as soon as i would get home i would get real scared again. I did that probably about 4 or 5 times. Finally i just stopped.  About 9 in the morning the next day i went back up there and the trash was still in there and i went inside and asked the lady who worked there if she had a plastic bad that i could have. She gave me one and i took everything from pretty much the top layer of the trash can, anything that i thought that i could have came into contact with when i first threw the receipt away and anything that i may have came into contact with when i kept digging through there. I took the bag home and dumped it out by my trash cans and went through it all making sure there wasn't a needle or anything in there. There wasn't, So i felt like i was ok. I didn't get poked cause i didn't find any needle but then i started to get scared over the fact that i had some small scratches and little cuts on my hands and i was digging through the trash, what if there was some blood in there that i didn't see or something. I asked this question to the HIV doctor on this website and he said that there was no risk and that i don't need any testing at all. So know im over the fact that i am not gonna get HIV from digging through a garbage can but im still nervous about "did i or did i not get poked from a needle" I think that if i was actually poked i wouldn't have this doubt whether i was or not, i think that i would absolutely know. Is it just my extreme anxiety and irrational fears that is making me so scared and believe that i might have been poked and is it my fears/ocd or whatever not letting me think rational and know that i wasn't poked. Well this past friday while i was at work i started to get the chills so i went home and went to bed, then on Saturday i woke up and my body felt real achy so i took some asprin and it went away. Well at about 12 on saturday i started to get stomach cramps and i started to get real bad diarrhea, it lasted all day on saturday, all through the night and most of the morning yesterday on sunday. I took some imodium and i was fine for the rest of the day until last night and this morning. SO i went to Urgent care and they said that i just probably caught a virus. I have hade no fevers throughout this and i even had a night sweat last night but that could just be because i live in phoenix and its always hot here. The doc checked my lymph nodes and she said they felt like they were just a tiny bit swollen but nothing to worry about. Im Scared that all of this could be ARS. I have made an appointment with a shrink.  Does my symptoms sound like ARS. IM so sorry for the long message. Can you please answer my message and give me some good advice, im falling apart here, Do you think that i need to be tested based on my symptoms and my fear of being poked..

[sunsarethebest]

I have and she thinks that im just as crazy as you guys do so i dont really ever bring it up to her. She doesnt know about the whole me being scared about getting poked from a garbage can thing and then digging in there looking for the suspect and never finding it.

[Jaguar83]

Hey, talk to your girlfriend about this too, it may help (if you haven't done so already).

[sunsarethebest]

you know it

[Jaguar83]

You broke her hymen...you can say it over the internet :)

[sunsarethebest]

Yes that is pretty funny, i know that most girls do lie about the virginity, but i know 100% about this one. I wouldnt even be able to explain it over the internet. Im just gonna go to this shrink next week and see if this chick can help me out and help me get through the anxiety and fears and worrying and hoepfully i can make it to the 6 week mark to get a test and put my faith in gods hands and see what happens.

[Jaguar83]

Hah, that post made me smile, Peek. Funny stuff.

[peekawho]

Not to add fuel to the fire, but I told lots of guys I was a virgin.  They were all proud to be the first.  

(I admit I was a slutty back in the day. I'm making up for it now, believe me.)

[bluebell81]

I will never have action again. If I am + i will never have sex again,

if I am - I will also never have it again because this experience has turned me off to it completely. I cant stand tv shows with sexual scenes now. I get sick when I see happy couples.

I will live celibate for the remainder of my life.

[peekawho]

BB, there were other worries.  I just didn't do a lot of worrying.  The drinking prevented most of the worrying.

Nowadays, a nun gets more action than I do.  Sigh.  

[farfromperfect]

Not my Peek.  I can't beleive that.  LOL.  I think most of us have been sluts at one time or another.  I plan on being one again if I bet divorced.  LOL.  But this time I know to stock up on the trojans.  

[bluebell81]

you lived in the good days...no worries about HIV.

Sigh.

[farfromperfect]

You know by now that they aren't.  You have symptoms of thousands of garden variety illnesses.  You have no reason to worry about hiv.  Of all the people in this forum, you have the least reason to worry about it.  

[bluebell81]

wow.

there are people on these forums who had real risks, unprotected sex and you are in here being insensitive to those people with your irrational fears.

Go talk to your shrink and stop posting this nonsense.

[sunsarethebest]

You know what its weird i have sex all the time and never worry about it. I have been in the same relationship for 4 years with the same girl and she was a virgin before me and we have never been outside of the relationship. I was tested before i got with her so i knew she was fine cause she was still a virgin. So i never worry about that. I get all freaked out from other stuff. I know that it all sounds crazy and i do have an appointment with a shrink that can help me get over my irrational and HIV paranoia. Peekawho gave me some good insit on friday and i beleived it and it helped me realize i was being irrational but then i got sick this weekend and it sent me crazy again. Can I ask you if the symptoms that i described sounded like ARS. I cant wait to get to the Shrink i have tons of **** to say to her.

[farfromperfect]

Man, do you see how irrational you are being?  You were afraid that you got exposed to hiv through sticking your hand in the garbage, so in order to remedy that fear, you go back and litterally dig through the same can several more times.  That doesn't make sense.  What would have happened to you emotionally if you had of found a needle?  You would loose your mind!  I normally don't take posts like this seriously, and as you know I would normally poke fun, but I feel sorry for you.  I realize that you are peecha after reading some other posts.  You really have an emotional issue.  Please go and get some therapy before it is too late for you.  You are going to end up in a room curled up in the fetal postion having convulsions and sh!tting yourself.  Please go get some help.

Do you ever have sex?  I would hate to see how you would react to a sexual encounter if something like this drives you into hiv-panic.  Do you know what you are doing to yourself with this irrational fear?  You are seriiosly affecting your health in a negative way.  Do you want to spend the rest of your life in a bubble?

You do not have HIV  based on what you have told.  This is the last supportive reply I will have for you.  Then it's back to making fun because I know you know better than this.