will my three year old son forget experience of being aroused from his behind?

[ashmolean1]

To whom it may concern,

                    I am suspecting that my three year old son has been sexualy abused (with the use of fingers, pressing against penis without being naked or the molester being naked- i have seen such things such as the molester whom i know, placing my son on top of his penis when they were both lying down and he said he was playing with himthey were both dressed.)My son started mentioning his behind on several occasions randomly, he poked the maid in the anus of her behind specifically with a straight object he found on the floor, i found unexplainable infections twice.)sometimes he would take off his underwear and jump on the bed.I have asked my son and he told me that the molester has touched his behind and when i asked him how, he pointed with his finger, he also on an occasion placed his finger in his behind.  Nothing else has changed in his behaviour though, he is not aggressive or depressed or anti-social neither has his appetite been affected.I have dealed with the molester who has not admitted.Please also note that the molester did not have daily or in other words periodic access to or private time with my son. Please tell me, should I seek professional help, or will my son, as he is young, forget all about this experience? please please answer me as I am having a very hard time, sleeping, or working. I have become obsessed with the idea. Thank you for your kindess.

[Pepper Schwartz, Ph.D.]

There are many schools of thought on how to react to this. My own is the following:

downplay it. Many people would take their child immediately to a specialist who only does therapy with a child that has been or might have molested.  I believe that the therapy can increase feelings of guilt and shame rather than alleviate it in a child that has not had a truly traumatic experience. Sometimes of course therapy is desperately needed to help an abused child get back their sense of control, worthiness and sexual comfort. But in this case, I think a minimalist approach is best.  I would not call the person a molester in front of your child. Just a person you do not trust and do not want him around. It sounds like the touch has not been too intrusive and your three year old can probably forget about this over a period of time if the incident is not reinforced by your mention of it.  Kids will do some sexual exploration on their own, and two and three year olds are naturally interesting in things having to do with defecation. So I wouldn't worry too much about that except to show him proper boundaries ( ie - you don't put your finger in anyone's anus, or poke them with an object etc. ) You may need to reinforce the idea of personal space and privacy if his own space and privacy has been violated.



   On the other hand, I think you might need some therapy about your child. If you think he has been hurt or scarred, you may be treating him differently and inadvertently be giving him the feeling that he has been hurt or damaged or something is wrong with him. You need to relieve your anxiety so you don't transfer it to him. You have every right to be shocked and upset if your child has been inappropriately touched, but I think you need to talk to a therapist about it so that you can understand your feelings, feel like you know what to do, and keep your child from being over concerned.



    I hope this has been helpful you. I appreciate you writing and I know you will be able to resolve your fears and get back to normal sleeping and working once you have seen a good counselor.



Sincerely, Pepper Schwartz, Ph.D.

[monkeyflower]

I sympathize. Having something happen to your child must be one of the most frightening things possible. It sounds like you've handled this very well, though, and I'm sure your son will be fine. It might not be a bad idea for him to have a few sessions with a therapist, just to process some of his feelings. I also think it would be important for you to seek counseling, since this is affecting you so deeply. Your attitude will ultimately have a huge influence on how your son feels about himself and his experiences. Talk with a sex therapist and work through your own feelings; then you can be there for your son as needed.

[glad2bamom]

Is it just me, or was the whole concept of the "molester" left out of the responses?  This person needs to be questioned, at the very least.  If he/she is doing it to your child, could there be other children involved?  I know it may be tough to pursue, but parents have to be active in protecting children.  If you keep your child away, then eventually, another child will be next.

[siren of the sea]

im sorry this happened to your child. i am quite disturbedby the fact you said you "have dealt with the molester". does this mean by calling the police? this may sound harsh and i havent experienced this but i know if someone hurt my child this way (and almost always others too) i would take legal action even if it was a family member, city counclman whoever. do this for the sake of your child and for the future ones he will hurt. i couldnt live with myself knowing i didnt stop it and he did it again or even worse!! be brave and find the strength to get through this. love that little guy and most likely he will not show any signs of it affecting him for years to come.

[daddiesgirlforever]

I have a 3 year old son myself, and cant imagine the thought of this happening to him, but.. have you thought about this being normal behavior? My son is always sticking his finger up there, and what not, if i'm dressing,he's trying to touch mine, he may just be curious. Also, if you honestly feel that someone hurt him, you need to do something about it, get a restraining order, press charges, etc..

[kamitch1]

My mother was molested when she was two years old and her parents  (who were devestated) decided not to make a big deal of it and just treat her like evrything was fine. She grew up not knowing about it, but found out through other family members that it had happened when she was 28, and since then has been emotionally and mentally wrecked. When she confronted her parents about it and asked why they had dealt with it the way they had, she was met with their attitudes of "get over it, it was so long ago" because they'd had 26yrs to deal with it and couldn't understand why she was reacting the way she was. Because of their avoidance to discuss it, and being expected to not let it be a big deal she still to this day (15yrs on) is extremely screwed up about it and as a result it affects just about every area of her life.

Im not a Dr, but after growing up with someone who's molestation was "played down" to protect her, I can only say that it did anything but. I think you and your son should seek some kind of councelling to help work through and deal with the matter.