herpes and sex

[JDog7]

I am a gay man who was diagnosed with herpes (type 2) a year ago.  Physically it has not caused me any issues.  I would not know I had it, except for the diagnosis. Emotionally, it has taken its toll.  It certainly makes me feel less desirable and sexually approachable.  I have not been on any dates nor had any sex since my diagnosis.  I have spent a lot of time thinking about it, without resolution.  Looking at advice on herpes websites the general advice I hear is that “you will eventually find someone who will want to date you and be accepting of your status.” Nonetheless, this advice does not give my solace for three reasons.  First, in general I find boyfriends on average about every three years. In that aspect, to be waiting three years or longer to be able to find that accepting person does not thrill me in the interim.   In between forming relationships, I used to have some casual sex.  Now, this is gone.  No advice site have I seen addresses support/advice towards having casual sex while living with herpes.  Of course, be upfront and direct with potential partners, but I think there is more to it than that. Finally, hearing friends and acquaintances announce they would prefer not to have sex with other guys who have herpes.  I am not out to them on my status, by my telling them would not be an influence on who they would choose to have sex with.  Nonetheless, all of this has certainly put a downward spiral on how I feel about myself and also probably how others perceive me.  Any advice on bringing myself out of my funk would be appreciated.

[Pepper Schwartz, Ph.D.]

First of all , I want to applaud you for your ethical and sensitive approach to this disease. If everyone was as thoughtful and noble as you are, this disease would affect far fewer people. Bravo! Seriously, I am impressed.



Secondly, there are many people with this disease. I do believe on some of the gay singles sites etc people will mention they are positive for herpes and looking for someone else who is in a similar situation. Take a look and I think you will see what I mean.



Thirdly, if you were a condom you are very unlikely to pass on the disease. AFter you meet someone and start geting to the sexual stage ( I know, I know, that could be one date...but you know you could take your time -there are some gay guys who appreciate that) you can tell them the situation. You'd be surprised a- how many guys will say me too ( this is a very popular virus) and b- how many guys will say no problem- lets just go with the condom.



YOu sound like a wonderful person- there are good people out there looking for someone to love and you offer more than just a passing sexual pleasure. Go meet men in activities  that you like and just be your great self. You don't have to announce. Hello, I have herpes!  Let people know you and then they can evaluate whether you are a person who they are willing to work with on this disease situation and find a way to manage it.  Believe me, millions of men and women go through this same dance- but they find someone to love, make love with and pair up for life with. Herpes need not and should not isolate you.

Don't overdramatize this- manage it- don't let it manage you.

Get out there and be social and write ma and thank me after you've found Mr. Right.

[PyroG]

i sympathize with your predicament.  what i feel like is this:  alot more people are out about having herpes, i think it is a lot less of a stigma than it used to be, since it's not harmful and not a secret it's a lot less of a big deal.  most people are used to the fact that there is a possibility someone they are attracted to will have it.  i was shocked when i told people i was considering getting involved with that i have it, and they were still interested in me.  as for casual sex, i think people are willing to use condoms and call it a night so to speak, in other words, i think people will only go to certain lengths to protect themselves from a single exposure.  if you want to be really certain that you aren't risking giving it to someone, take viral suppressants, avoid sex during outbreaks, and use condoms for the stuff you would usually use condoms for.  (oral sex is up to you, but i wouldn't bother with the condom if i was on viral suppressants)  anyway, lots of gay men already have herpes.  one thing i would do is avoid mixing sex and alcohol, which might lead you to take risks you might not otherwise.  the best thing to do is find other people who have it and talk to them about it, it makes it a lot less stressful when you hear from people who are used to it and just live their lives.

[needitresolved]

I've heard do hansfield quote the statistic of 50-70% of gay men having HSV-2. That means you're in the majority!



Just get potential partners tested and it's more than likely you won't have to worry about transmitting it to them at all - they'll already have it.

[JDog7]

thanks for the compliments...much appreciated!



BTW, a little afield from the topic, but thought it might interest you concerning other gay men posting they hsv status... its actually very rare.  It does make it a lot harder to meet other guys hsv+ positive.



"Since we don't have a gay dating service (for guys with herpes),outta curiousity I did a quick search of all the gay ads on twodating service for guys who post their status (using either key words hsv or herpes). I searched for guys 18-99 within 20 miles of a zip code within each city.



Gay.com/PlanetOut.com



Seattle = 3 ads

San Francisco = 0 ads



Yahoo Personals



Seattle = 0 ads

San Francisco = 0 ads



Also searched Craig's List Men Seeking Men:

Seattle = 1 ad

San Francisco = 0 ads



Considering the total number of guys in these city who are H+ (and even the total number who know their status) those are low numbers. But then I would guess if we did post it, most guys would just skip the ad and never take the time to get to know us."

[PyroG]

when you said "concerning other gay men posting their hsv status... its actually very rare", did you mean that it's rare for gay men to announce that they are hsv positive? or did you mean it's rare that gay men are hsv positive?  if it's the latter, i am sure that most just don't know they have it.  if you meant the former, then yes, i bet it's true that alot of gay men don't advertise their hsv positive status in dating venues.  you may have better luck with a support group or other common-interest group.  even if you go and don't immediately want to date anyone you see there, you will be connected with a group of people who arent afraid to talk about it, discuss dating strategies, etc.  it really helps!  there is probably a community of gay male hsv 2 carriers you don't even know about, because they are too apprehensive about putting the info out there and hypothetically compromising their sex lives.  that said, it is also helpful to see it as a grief process -- cycle through your emotions about it, and let go of your expectations about a herpes-free lifestyle.  it's hard, but it's better than trying to repress your feelings and force a positive attitude about it.  again, good luck, and i hope you can see that people are becoming more enlightened and liberated about this!

[Joe in SF]

I belong to a Yahoo group specifically for gay men with Herpes.  We discuss many issues, including casual sex, disclosure, etc.  If you are a gay man with genital herpes (Type I or Type II), please join us.



Go to: groups.yahoo.com and search for SFGMH .