Marriage is really bad...........

[mrjkh64]

Hello....



My wife and I are having a very rough time right now. She has always had excuses for not wanting to have sex with me.



Either I don't help her around the house or with the kids, or I grope on her too much and that turns her off.



Over the last couple years I have been better, not perfect, but better on all of the above issues, but she has only gotten worse.



I know she was molested as a child and that she had divorced parents and a very dysfunctional family.



She seems to blame everything that is bad in her life on me.



I feel as though I would do anything for her, but I can't even get her to give me a backrub! She has turned as cold as ice. I don't think she is having an affair, as she is always home or at work, but an affair can't be far off....



We get along perfectly...... as long as I do not make any attemps to have sex with her..... She starts putting the red flags up and it is quite obvious she wants nothing to do with me.



This makes me think that she is really messed up in the head. If she was so pissed at me for not helping around the house, then why is she so nice to me, as long as I don't make any sexual advances?



I don't know what to do.... I am starting to think about divorce or just joining one of those married, but dating websites......



Please Help!

[Pepper Schwartz, Ph.D.]

    Your wife is acting badly--and I know that tempts you to act badly as well. Don't give into it. A married but dating website will not only get you into trouble, but , depending on the laws of your state, could also get you into a divorce where you would be the offending party and be financially held responsible for breaking up the marriage.

     Your wife needs counseling. She is either phobic about sex- or phobic about you-- and neither case should be allowed to go indefinitely. If she is mad at you- or no longer in love with you- you need to go to a counselor and see what can be done to change her feelings. This will need in depth honestly and commitment to the process.

    If it's about her past molestation, or present disgust with sex, she needs a therapist. Molestation flashbacks are not uncommon and can be a recurring stress reaction. Nonetheless, as horrible as molestation is, it needs to be addressed and its impact mitigated. After all, when your wife married you, she made a deal to be your sexual partner as well. There are several expectations that marriage includes and certainly one of them is sexual intimacy. Unless she is telling you to go out and have sex with other women, she is expecting monogamy--which means, morally and practically, she should not deny you any sexual life within the marriage.

    If you wife is a feeling woman, tell her that you are miserable and you need to have a therapist mediate the problem before it tears the marriage apart. If that doesn't gain her sympathy , her attention, or both, then go to a therapist yourself so that you can vent your feelings, get help figuring out what is going on, and support on what the best next move for you is.

  Tell your wife the marriage will be destroyed by this and you don't want that to happen. She needs to soften, open up, and say what is REALLY going on... if all it is is anger over past behaviors you have, or have not, displayed-- then that is something that therapy can readily address. If it is deeper than that , therapy is still a good idea--it may just take longer to change.



  In any case, don't give up-and don't do anything drastic - at least not yet.  You deserve to have a sexual life- and you both deserve to have physical and emotional intimacy.  Working on this issue is critical and I am happy that you have taken this first step to clear things up and at least reopen the possibility of a healthy sex life together.

[burris]

Have you asked her about why she doesn't want you advances?  



Have you considered allowing her some space, allowing her to make the advance instead?



It's hard to judge, as I am sure there is so much information missing, but if you seem to accept the idea that she'd have an affair, you are seem to be framing her into a sexual context, which is to say, if she is not having sex with me, she will obviously have sex with someone else.  Seems like you are selling her and your relationship pretty short.



You seemingly acknowledge that you are not pulling your weight, though have improved in terms of running the household.  Have you considered that maybe you are linking your participation to some sort of reward physically and she is aware of that?  That perhaps you may be inadvertantly guiliting her, by possibly saying things like - "look at all I do, and you won't even touch me?  What kind of partnership is this?"



I don't know - as I said - lots of info missing, but your post seems to be about you, your needs, and that when you do mention your wife, it seems to be purely in the context of her willingness to be sexual, the fear of her being sexual with someone else, not in trying to understand her point of view.



I have found in my own relationships that when the domestic elements of relationship, such as my participation and contribution to the day to day running of the household, that my intimate life with my spouse suffers.  Plus, allowing my partner to initiate or share sexually is really important to maintaining balance as well.  Sometimes, you just have to allow it to happen at its own pace, not force it.



I hope things work out if that is what you want.  As for an affair, bad idea generally.

[bookerswife]

Don't have an affair! If you love her and you want to stay married to her than there needs to be a way to work things out! If you have an affair you will definetly never get any sex anymore! I agree with the above poster about you are thinking about your needs when it sounds like there is something going on with her! I would suggest counseling! It is a hard situation but with her background of being molested.... you have no idea what could be going on with her! Maybe one night you need to get her alone, make her feel comfortable and talk to her and suggest that ya'll go get counseling! But don't have an affair! It is not the right thing to do! Good Luck!

[Intrigue]

Let me first say that I was molested as a child and, while that issue was always in my mind throughout my marriage, the impact of the molestation gradually increased until it poisoned my marriage and ultimately led to my divorce.  I would suspect your wife is probably age 35 plus.  According to most psychological research, women are able to "Keep the lid on the garbage can" until they reach their mid-late 30's.  After that, the effects build for every year that passes until they become unbearable.  



Secondly, while I agree to some extent with the other posters that you need to be more understanding of your wife, my husband could have been perfect and I still got to the point where I loathed his touch.  Like you wife, as long as we lived like friends, I did great.  But if he initiated sex, or even looked at me in a seductive manner, I felt sick.  He would buy me flowers and I would only relate it as being something he did because he wanted sex.  Bottom line, probably at this point nothing you do for your wife is going to be seen as coming from your heart....she'll probably equate it simply as manipulation on your part to get sex.  I know that then makes your marriage seem hopeless, but let me assure you it is not.



If you can convince your wife to go to counseling, and if you will make a commitment to go get both private and couples counseling with her, this marriage might still be saved.  My ex-husband's mistake was in thinking I was the sole problem, not him.  He refused to go to counseling with me, even though he had a lot to learn about the effects of abuse and family dysfunction.  And please know I say this in a supportive way -- we are attracted to people on our same psychologically health level.  That means that, if she's screwed up, no doubt you also have some issues to work through as well.  So take this opportunity to get individual and couples counseling...it will probably be the only thing that saves your marriage.



My heart and prayers go out to you both and I wish both of you all the best.  And, if she needs someone to talk to, please encourage her to find a sexual abuse survivors group or even come here to the forums or other forums available online -- she needs to know she's not alone in this.  



Intrigue

[Kalio1]

I just wanted to say that I think your post offered very good advice and insight.

take care