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Sexuality & Relationships (Expert Forum)
so confused
Answered by
Pepper Schwartz, Ph.D. - Sexuality, family, Sexual Identity
This forum is for questions and support regarding relationship issues such as: Abstinence, Arousal Problems, Birth Control, Cohabitation, Commitment, Communication, Couples Counseling, Desire /Lack of Desire, Sexual Technique.
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so confused
by renwick1, Sep 17, 2006 12:00AM
not sure where to start on this, but here goes. i'm a 27yr old female and I'm worried I may have a sex addiction. this is a problem as I am not in a relationship. i married young at 20 and had a fantastic sex life with my husband, sadly after 5 years we both wanted very different things. I just love to have sex and enjoy pushing things to the next level all the time. My promiscuity led to an unplanned pregnancy last year, my on off partner at that time did not want me to keep the baby, which I later found out were twins.i decided to go ahead with the pregnancy with the prospect of being a single mum, i lost my babies between 18-20 weeks.i had wanted children with my husband but as he had 2 chidren from prev relationship he was reluctant and said he would only have 1.i've always dreamt of a family and this was main reason we split.i was pleased altho worried when i fell pregnant.now all i want is a family but have real commitment problems and need instant and constant sexual gratification.i don't feel the sex side is an attention thing as I see to myself most of the time, but when sex is available I jump at the chance....just very lost and confused as you can tell, not necessarily unhappy though! help!
Doctor's Answer
by Pepper Schwartz, Ph.D., Sep 18, 2006 12:00AM
, Sep 18, 2006 12:00AM
Sex is a physical and emotional act and it sooths both our minds and body.Arousal is associated with the production of dopamine and oxytocin- both hormones that make you feel good, bonded and loving. However, in the wrong situation, loving feelings are circumvented. And the proof that you have been in "wrong" situations is that you sound very sad. You have had some terrible losses and I don't think you have recovered from them. Sex can be like drinking or eating- great to a point, then, if abused, a coping mechanism that has not much to do with pleasure.
I think you have a lot of anxiety and tension and sex is a way to escape those feelings. It may be expressed in desire and attraction, but the roots of it are in sadness and emotional rejection.
I think sex is wonderful and I'm glad you enjoy it-but it is not making you happy- and that is a very significant fact. What you need to do is get some counseling so you can find out what is really giving you all this pain. You may need to talk about your divorce or the loss of your babies-or other things that are really difficult to discuss. But if you can understand why this pain doesnt go away , you may be able to use sex more as an act of love and play with someone you care about than with just somone who happens to be available.
If you want to be a mother and a partner, you need to be less impulsive and more selective- and happier. I am not preaching monogamy here- just being selective enough to be with people who care about you and who you care about. Otherwise, you will only get temporary relief from sex and you will still feel those feelings that sadden you. You also need to be more selective and less needy so you don't scare off the "family man" you are looking for- you need to get your sexual desires in line with your emotional desires.
All of this is possible. Don't despair. You can channel your sexual needs into an appropriately loving partner- but you need to understand yourself first, forgive yourself your past problems and acts, and feel less compulsive than you have in the past. You can have sex and enjoy it for what it is and who you are with--but not if you feel so impulsive that you really have no control over your choices.
Go see a good therapist . He or she will understand and sympathsize with your sexual dilemna and will help you become less compulsively appetitive. You want love and a family-and you can get both. But you need to become less driven and more of a driver. Good counseling can help you do that.
I think you have a lot of anxiety and tension and sex is a way to escape those feelings. It may be expressed in desire and attraction, but the roots of it are in sadness and emotional rejection.
I think sex is wonderful and I'm glad you enjoy it-but it is not making you happy- and that is a very significant fact. What you need to do is get some counseling so you can find out what is really giving you all this pain. You may need to talk about your divorce or the loss of your babies-or other things that are really difficult to discuss. But if you can understand why this pain doesnt go away , you may be able to use sex more as an act of love and play with someone you care about than with just somone who happens to be available.
If you want to be a mother and a partner, you need to be less impulsive and more selective- and happier. I am not preaching monogamy here- just being selective enough to be with people who care about you and who you care about. Otherwise, you will only get temporary relief from sex and you will still feel those feelings that sadden you. You also need to be more selective and less needy so you don't scare off the "family man" you are looking for- you need to get your sexual desires in line with your emotional desires.
All of this is possible. Don't despair. You can channel your sexual needs into an appropriately loving partner- but you need to understand yourself first, forgive yourself your past problems and acts, and feel less compulsive than you have in the past. You can have sex and enjoy it for what it is and who you are with--but not if you feel so impulsive that you really have no control over your choices.
Go see a good therapist . He or she will understand and sympathsize with your sexual dilemna and will help you become less compulsively appetitive. You want love and a family-and you can get both. But you need to become less driven and more of a driver. Good counseling can help you do that.
I don't think you understand that this isn't about sex. Any addict has underlying issues that need to be addressed in order to SOLVE THE PROBLEM.
I'm sorry.. for some reason I wrote, "addict" although that probably isn't the case here.
mother2four.... I respect your views. I just happen to disagree, is all. I know that people who put themselves in a bad situation, have a low self-esteem and in order to try to make themselves feel better.. they resort to behavior that they normally wouldn't do if everything in their life was going well.
renwick1... I have a question for you. Do you feel empowered when you are having sex with someone? And then afterwards, do you feel sad and powerless?
btw, have you ever read Seat of the Soul by best selling author, Gary Zukav? He is a former sex addict and has a chapter written on sex addiction in several of his books (including Seat of the Soul).
"Many men" is not accurate description I have several "friends" that I have a mutual understanding with that it is nothing more than what it is. If you met me you would think I'm very respectable and I don't just jump into bed with the first man that comes along.I just find it difficult when I'm attracted to somebody not to get caught up in the passion of the moment, especially knowing how good sex can be. But i'm worried that i give guys that I genuinely like the wrong idea, that I'm easy?! again it comes back to the age old thing that it's ok for a guy but a girl gets called names?! any thoughts....