What do I do?? Please help

[confused1031]

Ok I have a complicated situation here.. I have been with my boyfriend for almost 4 years, we live together and  we broke up twice for a few weeks both times he moved out completely. I love him with all of my heart and want to make things work with him but everyday for like the past 2 weeks he has been starying arguments with me!! Like last night he came hom 2:30 in the morning drunk and woke me up pushed me and started arguing. This is where is gets complicated.. my best friend is a male and I cheated on my boyfriend with him.. my boyfriend has cheated before but i have not...I would have never done that but i was so hurt over the things that my boyfriend has done..my boyfriend does not know i cheated on him,I care a lot for my best friend but i love my boyfriend but I am not happy with my boyfriend anymore and I think i want to break up with him but i don't know if i can live without him.. we have tried to talk about things but it doesn't work, he never admits fault and always wants to play the victim. I have been trying to fix our relationship for so long now that I am exhausted, I don't know if we can ever make it work i'm so confused because he pays half the bills and I don't want to be alone but i also don't want to cry and argue everyday, today he won't answer my calls at home, who knows maybe he is packing up and moving out like he did last time. Please help me i don't know what to do i feel so lost. Thank you!!

[Pepper Schwartz, Ph.D.]

It sounds like a very unstable relationship and perhaps a dangerous one. The fact that he pushed you- and I dont care if he was drunk when he did it- means he has overstepped a line and might become even more violent. Furthermore, you are playing with very hot buttons here- he is cheating on you- you are cheating on him-- and with someone who he has known as your friend. You just can't do these kinds of things in relationships and have the relationship stay the same. You are hurt- you are hurting him and as you know, two wrong things don't even things out-- they just get everyone angrier. If you want to try and save this relationship , you will need to go into couples counseling and find out why you are doing these things to each other. However, honestly, it may be too late for that. Continual arguing and violations of trust are sometimes just too much to come back from. If you do go to counseling, stick with it and try and find a way to repair your loss of trust and kindness to each other. If you break up, see if you can find a good counselor anyhow, because you need to think about what went wrong, how you got into a situation where you might be staying to help pay the rent, and what part your own actions play in creating a relationship that is often in some stage of crisis.  You can get better because of this experience-- but only if you choose to learn from your mistakes, your actions and your choices. This man, even though you love him, may not be the man for you. Your actions may have , in part, been done to punish him for what he did to you. But that's not the kind of relationship you should be in. You need to with someone who is true to you, who brings out the best things in you, and with whom you can be loving and supportive. I want you to think about being in love with a man with no arguments, no shoveing and a mutually supportive calm household. That can happen-- and if it isn't happening- you need some therapy to find out how you can create that kind of relationship.

[seaun 45]

this dosent sound like a very healthy situation for you no man should lay his hands on you even if just to push you. as for not wanting him to leave because he pays half the bills, thats just silly i have been in a somewhat similar situation before and wondered what i should do then i rememberd what my mother used to tell" me dont depend on anyone but yourself" you have to make yourself happy you cant rely on someone else to provide that for you and if they dont have your best interest's at heart then i think your better off w/out them.

[siren of the sea]

well let me say you can live without him. i know i went through a divorce and then a horrible breakup with a man i didnt think i could live without. well you know what im alive and happily married. at the time you feel like he is your whole world, but when you find that person that compliments you (i mean you are a good couple you make up each others weaknesses.) then you wont ever know why you continued such a bad relationship for so long. i understand the financial part is rough, but you can get a second job, move back home temp. whatever you need to get on your own. good luck to you i hope you make a decision quickly so you can move on.

[jojo24]

I agree with everyone on this.  i was in a relationship with a guy for five years who cheated, lied, and was disrespectful and i never even fathomed being without him.  then i took some time to myself and figured out that i deserved respect and that if i was going to do bad, i was going to do bad all by myself.  it wasn't worth being miserable over.  there are plenty of other fish in the sea, even though it doesn't seem like it right now, because you love him.  but face it, if you two are cheating on each other, it's probably not going to work.  in my personal opinion, if you feel you have to step outside of the relationship then you are not finding what you need in the person you are with and it's time to end it.  i also believe once a cheater, always a cheater (in that relationship) unless he has tried everything in his power to let you know he won't do it again.  but his moving out and not ansering the phone tells another story. and i'm sure that you will be able to pay the bills alone. plenty of people do it everyday.  just take a step back and re-evaluate your situation.  look at the big picture and also look at it from other people's point of view.  usually your friends and your family can see if something is wrong before you can and since they know you the best, they only want what's best for you.  you don't deserve to be treated like that, and you shouldn't have to stay in a relationship if you aren't getting anything out of it except grief.  there is a man out there who will feel love for you just as intensly as you will feel for him.  just focus on you and he will fall right in your lap.

[shygirl1981]

as far as your cheating goes, I wouldnt worry about that too much. its best that he never did find out. you have had a rocky relationship, off and on.......it's understandable why you did what you did. women are famous for cheating when they feel they are not getting what they want.....or are not being treated right. guys cheat to boost their ego.



you can live without him. wouldnt you rather be alone, then spend a life being unhappy!?

it is hard to walk away, and if you do, it won't be easy, and it will take a long time to heal but you will be an amazing woman if you do!! and guaranteed there is a man out there that will treat you like a princess. but if this relationship continues, you may never find meet mr. right

[Anonimo]

Hi:



I am sort of in a similar situation, we don't get along so awfully, but I think this relationship can go no further and I am afraid of the economical impact this will have on me. But after speaking to a friend, she said something that sounds so right: A relationship should not me suffered, but enjoyed, and when the enjoying part is gone, the missing element of the equation is probably the most important factor.



Maybe moving to a new appartment, a smaller one, changes are that, changes, and the change may involve tightening our belts for a while, but the peace of mind is priceless.



I wish you the best of luck.

[mother2four]

You need to grow up and GET REAL.  Pushing and shoving is physical abuse, it starts like this and often progresses to punching, kicking and worse.  You say you love and cant live without him but cheat on him ... youre lying to yourself.  Sounds to me like you are scared to go it alone because of having to support yourself and take responsibility for your own actions. True love is about honesty and it doesnt sound like either of you are being honest.  If your "best friend" was truely your best friend he wouldnt be adding to the drama by sleeping with you while you were still involved with your boyfriend aka love of your life.  None of this makes sense, im assuming you are very young.  The best thing you could do for yourself is be honest, ending it with the abusive boyfriend is a good start.  I know I may come across  harshly but people need to hear the truth and ***** footing around just wastes time.  Good luck!!

[lnicole]

Mother2four may sound harsh but she is RIGHT. Take it from me... Im in the same situation only add two kids to it and life is much more serious. Please, listen. The next step IS children and you do not want to bring any little person into an unsettled life if you can prevent it. Take responsibility and find your worth and your self meaning and MOVE ON! You are better and if you dont think so then I will tell you that you are... you are just scared. Scared of changes. But geuss what? It's worth it!!! Don't you think it will feel great to be able to wake one morning and actually BE HAPPY? And mother2four is right again... your best friend is not your best- friend. He is just a guy who liked you and now he had sex with you to screw up your relationship even more... Hopefully you read all these and you feel stronger. my prayers are with you. God Bless.

[BABYGIRL2006]

LEAVE HIM KICK HIM TO THE CURB and be STRONG AND REMEBER  most of us the WE CAN CHANGE A MAN WELL GUESSS WHAT WE CANT HE HAS GOT TO DO IT FOR HIMSELF FIRST THEN WE CAN SMOOTH OUT THE EDGES A LITTLE THAT DRINKING IS  A  WASTE OF TIME   YOU DONT NEED HIM I TELL YOU WHAT IF YOU SEE MORE THEN IT BEIFITNG ON HIS TAX RETURNS   WHEN HE DEAD   THEN KEEP HIM IAM NOT TALK 700 BUCKS A MONTH IF YOU CANT SEE WHERE YOUR BENEFITING LEAVE HIM YOU WILL GET OVER IT  START MAKING PLANS TO LOOK FRO MORE  INCOME BECAUSE THAT CAN BE A WOMANS DOWN FALL TOOO

[lmroswell]

Get rid of the boyfriend and the best friend, who by the way, took advantage of you in your situation.  Do not tolerate the abuse in any shape or form.  If your bf came home intoxicated, and got physical with you, what do you think he was doing before he came home?  Can't be good.  It may be hard to think about, but if you distance yourself from this, it won't feel as hard as it seems when you're thinking about it.

[confused1031]

Thanks to everyone who wrote back... sometimes I just need some strength and to hear what I already know.. some worse things happen last night I told him to leave because I was going to be in pain whether I was with him or without him so i might as well get it over with... it is going to be the hardest thing I will probably have to do but I think that it is best because emotional abuse can be worse than physical. He is still at home but he took all his money so I am thinking he is going to leave. Once again Thanks to everyone!

[PlateletGal]

Good luck to you. One thing I wanted to tell you is that the pain will go away. Fortunately, it is only temporary.  = ) And after this happens, you will be a stronger and better person  because of it. Sometimes we need to walk on a few stepping stones before we are ready to meet the person who is right for us.



As far as the apartment is concerned... can you move into a smaller apartment? You have to fight for yourself right now... you are your own best friend and your health, happiness and safety come first.

[shygirl1981]

you are right sweetheart, you will be in pain either way, but if he leaves, the pain will come to an end. I left an emotional abuser as well. I was so scared of him, I left in the middle of the night and he didn't know until it was too late.

I read a book many months afterwards on verbal abuse, and how it affects you the victim, and my relationship followed the book to a T, it was scary. it's hard as hell. but you will get through it (I did, and I've never looked back) and you will be amazed at what kind of person you will become!!

[siren of the sea]

this is my opinion but by you staying in that house and if he leaves he can come back. its kinda like dropping a cat off down the street. it will find its way home. you need to be the one to leave. i know this sounds difficult and it probably will be for a bit, but i feel by you staying in the place you both shared is kinda like not completly cutting the strings. do your best.

[renwick1]

i was with someone for 7 years who was physically abusive on 3 occasions, during our marriage I excused his behaviour because we had so many other good things. near the end of oour marriage i realised that although sporadic this violence was wrong and i deserved much better. it was scary to leave, very scary cos he was a body builer and very big. but i did it and although i miss things about him, i am happier and stronger, you know what you have to do and you will find the support you need to get thru it, go for it!

[shygirl1981]

it is a scary thing isn't it!? my ex was a body builder as well.  I was terrified, and didn't know how to tell him that I wanted to leave, so I left when he wasnt there. what did you do!? for the first six months, I thought I was okay. I kept a daily journal, and wrote down everything. a couple years I went back and read it, and was amazed at the pain and trauma I went through, never really realizing just how messed up I was. But I'd say after the initial 6-8 months passed, I became more independent than I've ever been, and its just been growing from there!!

[renwick1]

very scary indeed! I had to tell him i was going to my mothers for the weekene and she lives 70 miles away. he had his 2 children from his previous relationship, so i just made it out that i wanted to spend some time just me and my mum. when i got to my mum's i just broke down and told her everything, how unhappy i was. she and my family gave me the strength and protection i needed, but the day i walked out i knew the decision i had made and would never go back. i have some issues now but i am so much happier in myself. life isn't perfect for anyone but if we can be happier its worth a try.

[shygirl1981]

that's what moms are for isnt it!? I was the exact same way. My mom was staying in my city for the weekend, and she said she would never accept this man as a part of her family, and I broke down too, started crying, told her everything, that I wanted out, and my family also gave me the strength and support I needed to get out.



that is when I realized that it is better to be alone, than to be with someone and miserable. and I also realized that if I stayed with this abuser, the hurt would never stop, but once you leave, and you heal, it does stop!!!