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Sexuality & Relationships (Expert Forum)
change in sexual attitude
Answered by
Pepper Schwartz, Ph.D. - Sexuality, family, Sexual Identity
This forum is for questions and support regarding relationship issues such as: Abstinence, Arousal Problems, Birth Control, Cohabitation, Commitment, Communication, Couples Counseling, Desire /Lack of Desire, Sexual Technique.
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change in sexual attitude
by bealus, Sep 21, 2006 12:00AM
I am a male, 50 years of age and come from a small family with only one sister.My mother was very dominant and sufffered from "moods"for which she unsuccessfully was treated by a psychiatrist.I never get maternal trust or intimacy and always was kept under severe emotional pressure and distrust; my 5 years older sister cooperated "gladly".Sometimes I get physically abused.As a teenager I had difficulties in getting relationship with girls; the mere thought of intimacy made me nervous and literally "sweaty".My first sexual encounters mainly consisted of visiting prostitutes;gradually I overcame my inadequate attitude and discovered to engage in "normal" relationships.During two decades I became a "master" in one-night stands and short sexual encounters and I had sex with approx. more than two thousand women.I increasingly got "bored" after having sex a few times with a woman and realised I was only seeking the sexual "thrill"at swinger-party's etc. Even having sex with several women a night made me feel emotional empty and dissatisfied.Recently I try to invest in lasting relationship but I notice that my old "incorporated" behaviour is preventing me from doing so. Now for the first time in my life I met a woman who is able to give me love, trust, and I feel very comfortable with her and consider her to be the "love of my life".Needless to say I don't want to lose her but this exactly is my profound fear that this will happen and I will lose my sexual "appetite" in her rapidly.This would devastate me and I am in need of your advice how to prevent this from happening. thanks!
Doctor's Answer
by Pepper Schwartz, Ph.D., Sep 29, 2006 12:00AM
, Sep 29, 2006 12:00AM
Well old habits die hard, so it's good to meet this head on. As you noted, that even someone as sexually experienced as you can get tired of just racking up bodies as trophies. Sex as sport is fun- but it isn't very often relationship material. Now that you have someone who is special to you- you need to wean yourself away from quantity and am for quality in a sexual relationship.
Think of it this way. One of the things that makes this relationship special is that there is an intensity of feeling and meeting of hearts and minds as well as bodies. If you have sex with someone else it will not only put your relationship at risk if she finds out- but having other experiences will reduce the intensity and intimacy of the relationship. You will be undermining your love for each other and that alone is a cost you don't want to bear.
Don't put yourself in harm's way. Do most of your partying and socializing together. If you see an attractive woman, stay away. Lust is a very persuasive emotion=don't give it a chance to get traction.
If you still feel like you are going to be unfaithful - if you feel really weak- then you need to invest some money in a therapist. If you know that you are about to do self destructive behavior, you need an professional with authority and empathy who can be there to bolster your resolve to be monogamous. A therapist can help you identify what motives are pushing you and unravel how your childhood or parents may have helped you create a sexual pattern that is not longer giving you more pleasure than potential pain.
If you find that you have low self esteem and a sexual appetite that only thrives on the next "new"-conquest you have some sserious personal challenges to solve.Don't try and solve them all by yourself. If you can afford to, find a therapist. You may need some back up emotional strength and discipline and a theapist can help you find some. In the long run, you need to shore up your self esteem and find out why you are using sex for validation. Do this before something happens and you have a lot of damage to your relationship.
Think of it this way. One of the things that makes this relationship special is that there is an intensity of feeling and meeting of hearts and minds as well as bodies. If you have sex with someone else it will not only put your relationship at risk if she finds out- but having other experiences will reduce the intensity and intimacy of the relationship. You will be undermining your love for each other and that alone is a cost you don't want to bear.
Don't put yourself in harm's way. Do most of your partying and socializing together. If you see an attractive woman, stay away. Lust is a very persuasive emotion=don't give it a chance to get traction.
If you still feel like you are going to be unfaithful - if you feel really weak- then you need to invest some money in a therapist. If you know that you are about to do self destructive behavior, you need an professional with authority and empathy who can be there to bolster your resolve to be monogamous. A therapist can help you identify what motives are pushing you and unravel how your childhood or parents may have helped you create a sexual pattern that is not longer giving you more pleasure than potential pain.
If you find that you have low self esteem and a sexual appetite that only thrives on the next "new"-conquest you have some sserious personal challenges to solve.Don't try and solve them all by yourself. If you can afford to, find a therapist. You may need some back up emotional strength and discipline and a theapist can help you find some. In the long run, you need to shore up your self esteem and find out why you are using sex for validation. Do this before something happens and you have a lot of damage to your relationship.
That's 3.65 women every day for 20 years straight. That's either a severe problem, or a gross exaggeration. Either way, it's an issue. Do "the love of your life" a favor and get into therapy for a few years before encouraging her to "trust" you. It's not fair to her.
Do the calculation the easy way: say, just to keep it simple say a year has 50 weeks multiplied by two decades(20 years)= 1000 weeks. I had sex with approx. 2000 women in a period of 1000 weeks or to put it in words 2 encounters per week.
So how you could make such a big mistake? I figured it out:
you multiplied 20 years times 365 days(total number of DAYS = 7300); divided by 2000(number of WOMEN) and came up with 3,65 no arguement about that. But what does this then MEAN: the average time in days between to encounters is 3,65 days; or to put simple(see above)approx. 2 encounters per week.
Maybe next time you should be more carefull when presenting figures and understand what they mean!
It's so sad when people try and inflict their so called morals on others who are just searching for answers on how to deal with their personal issues. It's obviously affecting them enough to come to this sight.
The doctor should answer you shortly but until then, as a mental health counselor, I urge you to get yourself into counseling immediately. Sexual therapy counseling isn't what you need at this point. As another poster noted, you need psychological counseling to deal with what is at the root of your relationship issues -- your abusive childhood. You should be able to find a therapist willing to work with both you and your girlfriend, meaning both individual and couple's counseling, but individual counseling must be a priority at this point. Your fears of sabatoging your relationship are very valid, considering your history. Counseling is the answer. And please don't give up if you see one or two counselors and don't feel a connection....keep seeking until you find one you're comfortable with. Best of luck and feel free to keep us posted.
Intrigue
I too feel that my behaviour is "linked" to my abusive childhood but somehow I can't "re-program" myself and I certainly take your suggestion about counselling serious.
To me it's so rewarding to know that there are really people out there with compassion who mean well, give advice and try to help!