Member Comments are provided by individuals and reflect their personal opinions only. Under NO circumstances should you act on any advice or opinion posted in this forum. ALWAYS check with your personal physician before taking any action regarding your health! MedHelp International and our partners, sponsors and affiliates have no obligation to monitor any comments posted on this site, or the content and/or accuracy of such exchanges. MedHelp International does not endorse the views of any user.
Sexuality & Relationships (Expert Forum)
Are we just sex fiends
Answered by
Pepper Schwartz, Ph.D. - Sexuality, family, Sexual Identity
This forum is for questions and support regarding relationship issues such as: Abstinence, Arousal Problems, Birth Control, Cohabitation, Commitment, Communication, Couples Counseling, Desire /Lack of Desire, Sexual Technique.
 |
Are we just sex fiends
by momAU82207, Sep 26, 2006 12:00AM
My husband and I both in our 40's have been happpily married and in love for 16 years and have 8 children to show for it. We have what we think is the best sex life one could imagine. Every night before we go to sleep, most mornings before we get up, not to mention extra on the weekends when we can sneak away for a quickie ... and even during my m.c. The thing is is that my husband wakes in the night and masturbates, sometimes twice a night. I have asked him just to wake me but he says he feels guilty breaking my sleep and doesnt want me waking tired in the morning. Sometimes I wake up and we I do we have great sex as usual other times I just wake up to dried up semen on me (and thats okay too) my question is is this normal behaviour? I love it and cant get enough but often hear women complaining that there men want it too often. Whats the average that your husbands want to have sex opposed to what you women want.
Doctor's Answer
by Pepper Schwartz, Ph.D., Sep 27, 2006 12:00AM
, Sep 27, 2006 12:00AM
Well you certainly aren't average !! But that's a good thing.. there are very few couples who have sex as enthusiastically and often as you do--and have 8 children to boot! Amazing--and wonderful. Obviously, you both are uninhibited and joyful about sex and time has not diminished your interest. Really, you are a national treasure and should probably go on the lecture circuit talking about to keep a long term marriage sexually interesting!
I wouldn't worry about the solo sex that your husband does. He obviously has an even more insistent sexual drive than you do ( and 99 per cent of the rest of the country). An easy and efficient way to relieve sexual craving is to masturbate- and that is exactly what he is doing. That's not abnormal- or disrespectful or unloving. It probably reflects the fact that it's the middle of the night and it's just an itch he wants to scrath without starting a whole, energetic love making session.
Really, you both have got it so good, that there is truly nothing for ou to worry about . The average sexual life after as long as you two have been together is about two to three times a month - I don't think that's an average you want to emulate! I do not have data on how much sex ,ideally , women would want verus men...but you might look up this issue in The Social Organization of Sex by Lauman, et al... they have a number of statistics from a large random sample study and they may have some data on your question. Remember, of course, that the stats you read are modal- so if a majority of men and women over ten years duration have sex much less than you- there are also some couples who are also quite game for sex all the time.,. but unhappily for the world, they are not the majority. You can read more about the relationship of duration of relationship and sexual frequency in my book American Couples - Money , Work and Sex ( out of print-but available through a library or Amazon) and a later article by Sprecher, Call and Schwartz looking at national survey data on this topic.
I wouldn't worry about the solo sex that your husband does. He obviously has an even more insistent sexual drive than you do ( and 99 per cent of the rest of the country). An easy and efficient way to relieve sexual craving is to masturbate- and that is exactly what he is doing. That's not abnormal- or disrespectful or unloving. It probably reflects the fact that it's the middle of the night and it's just an itch he wants to scrath without starting a whole, energetic love making session.
Really, you both have got it so good, that there is truly nothing for ou to worry about . The average sexual life after as long as you two have been together is about two to three times a month - I don't think that's an average you want to emulate! I do not have data on how much sex ,ideally , women would want verus men...but you might look up this issue in The Social Organization of Sex by Lauman, et al... they have a number of statistics from a large random sample study and they may have some data on your question. Remember, of course, that the stats you read are modal- so if a majority of men and women over ten years duration have sex much less than you- there are also some couples who are also quite game for sex all the time.,. but unhappily for the world, they are not the majority. You can read more about the relationship of duration of relationship and sexual frequency in my book American Couples - Money , Work and Sex ( out of print-but available through a library or Amazon) and a later article by Sprecher, Call and Schwartz looking at national survey data on this topic.
To that question, I would say that my husband would prefer it more often (I think this is typical)and as for me...I would be happy if it were only once every two months. lol
This has absalutely nothing to do with my husband. I simply am not "wired" (very infrequent "urge") for much activity, I guess.
I've always been this way and no, I don't have any negative feelings about it whatsoever.
I think everyone is different. Some more active and some less active. As long as you both are happy and keep your "urges" within the marriage, then all is good.
Quite frankly, you sound like you have it pretty good- almost to the point of coming on here to brag about it. I was a bit put off.
I mean my wife had an affair early in our marriage, never apologized for it, blamed me for it, refused to take my feelings into account when it cam to sex, belittled me when we did have sex(and not after I mean right in the middle of it), put me down if I did not finish quickly(implying she did not get me going) then when I focused on making sure I did finish, to please her, she complained I did not take care of her, and when I tried to explain and offered to try other things, meaning please her how ever she wanted, she just yelled at me and went to sleep-after all this brutilization, I rarely have sex-because either she has such dislike for me, I don't want to be rediculed if I try, and I just don't understand why she woudl want me(low self-esteem) if I am so pathetic.
Given all that, do you really have any concern about your sex life.