Losing my sexual appetite? Want to get it back!

[Sharon611]

I am a young 27 year old who is involved in a very loving and supportive three year monogamous relationship.  My boyfriend and I always have a wonderful time together, we make each other laugh and have similar interests and are very caring and affectionate.  Lately, however, I have noticed that I am not as sexually hungry or lustful as I used to be.  We were always very active, but being busy with work and family commitments, we engage in sexual activities only a handful of times a month.  When we do, I notice that I am not as turned on as I used to be and even after foreplay and some stimulation, I do not become lubricated.  I wish we were more adventerous, but he's a "traditionalist."  That's never bothered me before as I would always yearn for him, but now I notice that even when we kiss during sex, I don't feel that warming and exciting sensation I have always felt.  Also, penetration is starting to hurt.  He's nervous about hurting me and wants me to get that "old feeling" back, but I don't know where it's gone?!  I want to stop making lists in my mind as my boyfriend makes love to me and show him how much I do love him as well.

[Pepper Schwartz, Ph.D.]

It sounds like you are bored with your love making style and potentially bored with him. The first and most important question you have to ask yourself, is " Am I still in love"?  If you are not, that' s the problem and we don't have to talk about sexual technique, etc because its not about expertise its about feelings.



  If, however, you do love him, and you are just bored, then you two should embark on a new program of jazzing up your sex life. Here are some ideas:



1- Read Books.  There are Ann Hooper's books on sexual positions- which are sexy to look at as well as read.  You Can look at the books that offer 1001 new ways to make love- and try some. You can read my book , The Great Sex Weekend, and take a weekend away to try new and exciting sexual positions, fantasies, or create more erotic environments to encourage passion.



2- Rent visuals. Some people love to see an erotic movi- and it turns both partners on. Candida Royale produces movies that are not offensive to women-- you can look movies up on goodvibes.com or lovepantry.com  or lovers.com  or Xandria.com or babesintoyland,com etc and rent movies at on line sex shops owned by women- with more sensibility to what would please both partners.



3- You can take classes. Many of the above places and places in almost every city will have seminars on oral sex, erotic massage, sex toys etc- a little bit of a stretch - and breaking with tradition is sexually exciting.





There are other things you will find out in the books. The point is to make it a couple project and see what you find more erotic than previous experiences. Maybe it's spanking, maybe it's watching the movie. Try everything that doesn't actively seem offensive and see if you can't bond and grow more intimate as a couple as you find new ways to please each other.

[Sharon611]

Also, when rereading my posting I wanted to add that I do not orgasm with my boyfriend, but always did find it enjoyable.  I "fake" it because I do not want him to think that he's not a good and considerate lover, but I now, it's really hard for me to fake it because I know I'm not feeling much of anything to go on and I feel awful that I'm feeling this way when I've always shared a healthy sexual appetite with and for my boyfriend.  What gives?

[sparkeler]

I think what you are feeling is completely natural.  I heard a saying once, "the secret to a good relationship is to never fall out of love with each other at the same time."  I think this is so true.  Relationships are like seasons. They are sunny and warm, change color, blossom, grow cold and stormy, and then repeat.  You are not always going to feel that "inlove", 'I'm going to faint when I see you' feeling.  Your becomming comfortable in your relationship, growing.  Sometimes comfortable means boring, but there are ways around it.  Your not always going to be excited when making love or orgasm.  (Most women have trouble w/ that.) As for having better sex w/him, you might want to think of some ideas that will turn you on, like role playing or turning on a porno before you become intimate.  Get some fun lubes.  Become creative w/ your sex life!  My guess it's same old "ok hop on hop off", lol. But your relationship sounds pretty normal to me.

[happybaby23]

I agree.  Relationships have there ups and downs in the sex department.  Finding new ways to be creative is key.  You just have to keep the lines of communication open.  You're not always going to have amazing sex, but there are plenty of ways to make it more enjoyable.  You just need to talk to him about what you're feeling.  He may surprise you and not be as "traditional" as you think.

[siren of the sea]

and after all that if you still have a problem with lubrication maybe talk to your dr about it. its sometimes a hormonal issue and maybe its the bc your on or need a change. relationships are work. the 3 year mark is great to have made it this far. maybe you should try "dating" each other again. you know go out like its your first date. flirt, smile, make it sexy while at dinner, make out at movies. get it fun again. as far as faking orgasms, i dont know about that. now you have this "lie" to live up to. and if you tell him you have faked them for years he will be upset. you should explain and he should understand that not all women have an O. ive never had that situation, but i have read on here how many women have after years of sex. it will take practice im sure to learn, but wont that maybe help your bf out of his traditional shell?? to try new things?

[hot-hunny]

im the same as you its gone lost it and i want it back wish i knew a way to get it back then i could tell you sorry