my ex's new boyfriend

[pubmed]

I am a gay guy.  Since breaking up with my boyfriend in June (I moved 1500 miles away for work and we decided to end it), we have maintained close contact.  He has remained my best friend - the first person I go to with anything.  He has recently started dating another guy, and now I feel like I have been swallowed up into a black hole.  It really bothers me that he is doing all the things we used to do together with someone else.  It bothers me that I cant go to him at any minute, call him at anytime.  It bothers me that he doesnt "need" me anymore.  I cant stop thinking about him and his new boyfriend and its driving me crazy.  I thought about just telling him I cant talk to him anymore, but I dont even know if I could do that.  I feel like I would call him in a moment of weakness.  Because I just moved here I dont have any friends - even though I have tried to be as social as possible and move on. It drives me nuts that I am so miserable, and everytime I talk to him, he is a big barrel of happy happy.  Who isnt when they just start dating someone new?  



How can I accept that what I had is in the past and is over? How do I move past this and him?

[Pepper Schwartz, Ph.D.]

I am SO sympathetic. Everyone who has ever lost someone they cared about knows how you feel. It is hard to lose them and even harder to know you have been displaced. But we have to do the hard work to get over it- otherwise it will make us sick and the pain will be even harder to bear. The only good way I know to get over it is to get busy. Go online and go to one of the gay dating services. Go out with other men even if it's hard to do in the begining. Join some gay clubs, whether its for a sport or movies or whatever- just to have some companionship and make new friends. Find a volunteer activity or take a class or learn how to do a new dance- or, well, you get the idea... you need to distract yourself and keep yourself from getting even more depressed.  You need to outthink and outfox yourself because otherwise you won't shake this sadness and jealousy.



  One day you may be able to be best friends again. But that will be after you find someone else and you dont cringe at the idea of him with someone else. I promise you that day will come-- but make it come sooner than later-take getting over him as your main project- and work to be busy, meet people, help others and learn new things. You will be happy again- but it won't happen unless you really dedicate yourself to a new set of friends and activities.

[All Alone]

Fragile are the hearts of men, my friend. I wish I had advice for you; we're both in the same boat.



A good friend once told me, "The best way to get over one is to get under another".

[Carolengy]

Hey!!!



Seems like he has moved on, and he started a new life, as hard as it may seem, it’s over and you need to accept that fact,  you need to move on as well, you said you moved away for whatever reason;  I don’t think you are best friends, or may be he sees it as so, but you aren’t seeing it the same way, you are still hung up on him and keeping close contact and knowing what he’s doing with his life, only hurts you beyond belief, I know I understand you I’ve been there, so the best thing  for now is not to know anything, remember “What you don’t know, won’t hurt you”, find something to do, join a class of whatever appeals you gym, painting, is a good way of meeting people, don’t get into another relationship right away, be patient with yourself day by day, baby steps it over!!!...honey for a relationship to work you need 2 people that want to make it work, remember your love is not enough for the 2 of you.

Good luck! You’ll survive keep us posted!

[sparkeler]

You need to give your heart time to heal.  If that means cutting him off for a while, then that is what you have to do.  You are close with him, so tell him.  Tell him you are still inlove with him and his new relationship is killing you.  There is no way you can let him go when you are talking to him all the time.  You are not allowing yourself to break free and move on with your life.  Once you come to the point where it doesn't destroy you every time to talk to him, then that's when you can resume the frienship.  Until then, you are only hurting yourself by talking to him and ultimately delaying the healing process.  



Whenever you move to a new city, it will be hard at first but things WILL come together.  You will meet people at work. In the meantime, join a gym or sit at a restraunt w/a book and a glass of wine. Do anything that you enjoy to get your spirits up.  I picked up and moved to NYC from CT a few years back all alone.  I'm in a fantastic relationship now and I'm proud that I made my own life for ME.  Good luck.

[barn babe]

This happened to me several months ago when my boyfriend broke up with me. I was in so much pain that I thought I wouldn't survive  the break-up. I could not stop thinking about him. Although I didn't know if he was seeing other people, the thought that he could simply go about his life on a daily basis without contact with me, without the emotional intimacy that we had, was heartbreaking.



I started working out like crazy. It was the best way I could think of to channel my pent-up energy and emotional pain. I've been pumping iron regularly  and got myself down to a size 4, a size I haven't seen on my body in 20 years. I spent more time with my girlfriends and had a few therapy sessions. I also did something completely out of character for me - I placed an ad on craigslist to meet men. The validation to my ego was incredible.  I received dozens of responses, and I responded to many of those, had coffee and/or drinks with several of these men. All of the men I met  from my ad were intelligent and kind. I'm currently dating two of these men, one of whom I'm having a physical relationship with.



Yes, I still think about my boyfriend, but not so much. I just think it will take time to heal. But I'm trying to move on and  be the best person I can be for whatever next partner may be in my future.  



Peace to you. Good luck with your journey.

[lucylocket2]

I know your in pain right now, but you have to move on. i'm sorry to say it like that, but it's the truth. Don't let him know your sad, good greif. It bothers you so bad about him being with someone else because you either still love him, or your lonely . I think it's the being alone part. Go out, have a good time, let him see you happy. We always want what we can no longer have.True? True.

[sk2006a]

sparkeler has it right.....it may be too painful for you to speak to him so often, at least for the time being.  i remember one break-up when my ex started dating almost immediately.  it was so painful, especially knowing they were going to the same places and doing the same things WE used to do.  i didn't know it then, but it was the best thing that could have happened to me. hopefully you have some interests and hobbies which can be a catalyst for meeting new people.  it's so hard not to force things at first, so take your time and let things happen naturally. it must be hard starting over in a new city, but who knows.....maybe your ex is a bit jealous, too, that you are having new adventures in a new setting.  you never know :)

[pubmed]

thanks everyone for your comments, they have been helpful.  just to give you an update, I told him I couldnt talk to him anymore.  I agonized over what to do, but that just seems like the best solution for now.  It kills me to think I have lost the bond we had, but hopefully it will get easier with time.  one day at a time I guess.  thanks again!  peace to you all