My sex drive has dissappeared!

[KS12345]

My husband and I have been married for 4.5 yrs & we have been together in total for 10 years. We are both in our 30's & have a 2 year old child. I am going through a terrible time at the moment as I lost my mum to cancer in March. I am now on the verge of losing my husband too. Over the last couple of months my husband & I have had quite a few serious arguments due to me not having much interest in sex. Obviously this is not unusual as I am grieving at the moment & he does to a certain degree understand this, however I have not had much of a sex drive for about 4 to 5 years now & he says that he feels I have pushed him away so many times (in the bedroom) that it has resulted in him now not feeling very sexual towards me. I don't know why I have been like this because I love him & have always been loving towards him but not in a sexual way. He says he thinks it has happened over a number of years & he is worried as he doesn't really fancy me anymore. He has told me now a few times that he doesn't find me attractive all the time & it hurts like hell. I know it's not easy for him because we have a child, a house together & he is the only one that works & things would change so much if we split so I think he really wants to try to make things right but neither of us know where to start really. When we talk we both say the same old things such as he feels he has been pushed away over the years & I say for me to feel more sexual I need him to be more loving towards me such as giving me cuddles and kisses but as he doesn't feel close to me he finds this hard. Please help us!

[Pepper Schwartz, Ph.D.]

You need to see a therapist. When you start having the same old exchanges over and over it means you have reached gridlock and it probably seems hopeless. You would be surprised however how a good therapist can help you rethink your positions and help you see each other in a new light. You sound as if you might be depressed too- and conversations about that can either help or conversations in combination with some good anti-depressants might shake you out of your sadness. Anti depressants can be harmful to sexual interest so some therapists reccommend Wellbutrin since it does not seem to have as much impact on sexual functioning..



   It may all, however, be a relationship issue. Your husband is frustrated so he strikes out at you verbally and you are unhappy and so desire is not likely to be an easy feeling for you to have. Perhaps a therapist can remind you both of all the good things you have been together in the past and help you reignite some optimism and pleasure in each other. You should make this investment- even it is hard to afford. After all , you have a young child and that child deserves two parents if you can possibly put the marriage back together.

[Carolengy]

It’s really difficult to pass on an opinion;I would suggest for you to be sure about your feelings toward him, and see if you’re not finding excuses not to be intimate with him,I now that the sex drive lowers after a period of being together, but it’s not right for him to tell you that he doesn’t find you attractive, that is not going to help you in the intimate department, May be you should consider seeing a marriage counselor to see what is really going on there on both sides.

[sparkeler]

I agree that a marriage counselor is in order.  You clearly have grown very far apart, physically and emotionally.  Given the circumstances, (your mother's passing) it's understandable. Time can by so fast when things go wrong in life, and before you know it, you and your partner are miles apart in every way possible. I'm sure the fact that he doesn't really *fancy* you anymore hurts. Do you still find him attractive?  I think that the only way to salvage this marriage is to seek professional help.  Good luck!  You are worth it and deserve to be fancied.

[leif ericson]

the sadness you feel, and how it effects your relationship is

understandable. but the years of trouble you have had with your husband is hard to fathom, there are so many facets to a relationship. if you love him, let him know it, and if he feels the same way, then you have a chance to improve on your situation. the counceling idea is a good one, if your a member

of a church, you can get some good guidence there too.    l.e.

[lucky mom of 2]

I understand. This may not be as much of a relationship issue as it is a physical issue. I have no sex drive either. After the birth of my 2nd daughter, I lost it. I love my hubby, he is still very attractive. I have no drive. For any man. Is this how you feel? I don't know if it's hormonal or what. I have a friend that actually had some kind of testosterone cream that helped, but my doc knows nothing about it. He recommended a herb thing called Availmil, but it didn't work for me. He told me to drink a glass of wine and relax!! That just puts me to sleep!!Let me know if this sounds like you. It's tough, I know. I give in to hubby, but he can tell I'm not into it.

[mumwith#4]

I'm so sorry to hear about your mother. This must be still devastating for you and yet now you are being torn between this grief and the need to focus on fixing your marriage rather than using it as a support for the death of your mum. I'm really sorry.



Marriage counselling is definately appropriate - but only if the two of you agree that it is not irrepairable. That is to say that you both need to be willing to still be commited to the marriage and your futures in order for the counselling to work. I hope that you can work this out for the best.

[marriedlove]

Libido--one of the world's most difficult to control phenomenon! Almost *everything* can influence a person's libido:  health, mood, life events, drugs, diet, general fitness, unexpressed frustrations, anxieties, too much focus on kids, too much laundry to do, you name it.  Maybe it would be best to start with a very thorough exam by a doctor you trust enough to ask about this.  He or she might have some suggestions.  All of the advice about relationship counseling is good, too.



From personal experience (on the other other side of the issue--I'm the one with the higher sex drive in this marriage, and that can be exceedingly frustrating), I will say that sex in marriage seems to be largely a "use it or lose it" proposition.  The longer you go without sex, the longer you are likely to keep on going without it.  I've discovered that sex is important enough to me and to this relationship that I'm simply not willing to wait for it to transpire in perfect circumstances.  Tired?  Feeling chubby?  Not feeling all that warm and fuzzy toward your partner at that very moment in time?  It's okay.  Try getting together, anyway.  Actually having sex is one of the best ways to make yourself feel sexy.  If you wait around waiting for the mood to strike, it can be a long wait.  It's painfully ironic, but one of the best ways to get back in tune with one another sexually is simply to have sex, even when the stars aren't in perfect alignment.  Just the effort, the closeness, the *fact* of trying begins to remedy things between you.  



I'd also suggest getting back in touch with yourself, sexually.  Fantasize, experiment, try bringing yourself to orgasm.  For me, masturbation is mostly a relief, but during times when the libido is waning, it can also be a way to stoke the fire again.  



Meanwhile, even though it's clearly very hurtful to you, and rightly so, try not to take your husband's comments about your attractiveness too much to heart.  Since he's feeling rejected, it's natural that he's going to strike back.  Then, you're both off and running, and that cycle of negativity is tough to break.  The truth is, he *does* find you appealing. If he didn't, your rejection would matter as much to him as it clearly does.  



I'm so sorry you're going through this.  It's tough, I know.  Keep in mind, though, that's it's also pretty common, especially when your children are young, and you're going through other major life changes, too.  Marriage is certainly one of life's more challenging adventures.



marriedlove

[KAYLINDA]

Beautiful post marriedlove!