Problems with relationship

[JC221]

I am 17 years old. I have been dating this girl for 7 month now. I am engaged to her(I gave her a ring and asked her to marry me, mean't to be more of a promise ring). I am having troubles believing her. I haven't had her directly lie to me but I get this feeling she is. I recently found out she lied to me, although it wasn't serious, I still wonder if the other things that were suspicous to me are truly lies. She has been going over to her "best girlfriends" house for awhile. Her friend has 2 brothers (which I am somewhat friends with). Everytime she tells me she is going over there she seems to "church it up"...meaning they are going to do "innocent things" I guess. But everytime she goes over there her best friends brothers drink and have their friends over. Last time she went over there she told me her bestfriend and her were going to hangout at her house. They ended up going with her bestfriends brother to his friends house. (I'm sorry if this is confusing) She called me once they all reached his friends house. She told me what they were doing and everything seemed to be fine. She told me they were just visiting with her bestfriends brother and were soon to leave. She didn't call me back that night and they all ended up staying at he friends house. Her bestfriends brother and his 4 friends all got drunk. She told me her friend and her didn't drink anything but i can't help to think of the "bad"(getting drunk and doing sexual stuff) Maybe its just me but EVERYTIME she goes over there the alcohol always gets involved. It makes mad/sad and I dont know why.....more down.

[Pepper Schwartz, Ph.D.]

It sounds sad to me too. I think that her behavior is confusing- and I wouldn't like it either if I were you. If you and her are serious, she really has no business going off and partying with other people or the time, or staying around a group of men who are drinking a lot. It doesn't show any care about you either-- because of course you would be worried.



   Have you told her not to go? You have the right, as her fiance to tell her how you feel and what you are or are not comfortable with. If she ignores your feelings and continues to go to these compromising situations, I don't think she has enough respect for your relationship and I think that's a very bad sign.

  

   To tell you the truth- it is very hard to know who a woman is at your ages. Very few women-or men- have the maturity to resist temptations and make good choices about protecting and honoring the relationship. I think at the very least you should wait quite a long time to see who she really is. There is no hurry if you are deeply bonded to one another- and over time you will see if she is really trustworthy.



   What I would tell you right now, is that if you don't trust her ( and you don't) then you really should not get married until you are one hundred per cent sure-have no doubts- and she has shown that she can stop doing behaviors that make your nervous and worried. Would you like to worry about her betraying your trust after marriage? That would be awful. So back off, give it some time and see if she will do the right thing-- which is to stay away from these guys and other situations like this involving other men and also putting herself in situations where there is a lot of drinking going on.



    You deserve to have a partner who you can trust and who is alwaays thinking of your feelings and emotional comfort. Don't get involved with someone who doesn't take your feelings into account. Don't make a bigger commitment to this woman if you feel insecure and worry about whether or not she is really loyal. And even if she is loyal, you need to know that she will not put herself in circumstances that can cause you to worry.

[JC221]

She has drinken abit about 3 times she has been over there. But the rest of the time she has gone over no. Just the thought of a guy tickling her bothers me...maybe I just have a low self esteem.

[sarah42nd]

wow... 17 a young age to get married .I mean i'm 19 now I'm not planning on getting married for another year or 2. If you feel she is lieing to you then what you need to do is sit her down and talk it over would her. Tell her how you feel.

[JC221]

No, we aren't married. Its a promise ring.

[siren of the sea]

well you lied yourself too. you said you proposed to her and gave her a ring, but to us you say it was just a promise ring. you are both too young and immature to even consider this life altering experience.

[PlateletGal]

People who lie about even the smallest things are untrustworthy... in my opinion. It sounds like there are some issues here and I wouldn't want to see you take this relationship further, until these issues have been resolved.



I don't know if you are engaged or not, but I really do think you guys are young and I hope you do not rush into anything.

[sparkeler]

She is very young at at this age she is supposed to be going out and having fun.  Not be tied down to a "promise ring".  I know it may be hard to hear, but you are only young once.  You have the rest of your lives to get married.  My advice is go out and have fun too!  Your probably going look back at this in about 10 years and think how silly this is.  You will probably be married to a different girl w/kids.  You have plenty of time before that happens to live it up!!

[Carolengy]

Unbelievable, you are what…..17? Honey have you finished High school yet? what in heavens is that….! promise ring?,  baby at this age, you should be thinking about going to college, get an education, traveling, I DO NOT KNOW! knowing people, having fun, not implying drinking or doing drugs, that is not considered fun under my dictionary, but anyhow, if you think she is lying to you, is because she probably is, she is in no age to think about getting married either, have fun now, marriage is a serious thing, not another game you can play on your game cube, or play station or whatever, not to be mean I do have a 17 yrs. old boy, I’d go nuts if he comes with a rap like this.

[HIS GIFT TO US]

Only u can really talk to her about this. Ask her if the tables were turned how would she like it? I started dating (my now DH when I 15yrs old DH was 17yrs old) When I was 16yrs old we got engaged, we both had certain things that we were not to do (just like in a marriage theres just certain things u don't do) maybe yall should discuss these certain things that u will not tolerate & let her tell u her things she will not tolerate. You've got to communicate now or a marriage will never ever work btw yall. When I was 19 yrs old we got married. I have never regretted it but DH works (hard to find a working man these days)& I don't blow money like theres no tomorrow (like most women do) so talk to her & find a happy balance from friendships to how many kids u want, it's all so important!!!



I'm now 25yrs (so we've been together for almost 10.5yrs)so if u both want to be mature it can & will work but both of u have to want this to work! Good Luck &  I hope everything wks out for both of yall. Age isn't important it's all about how mature u both want to be! So talk to her about this asap!!!!

[JC221]

Thank you everyone. One side of me says what your saying is true and the other side says no. Forum-PHD-PS I understand what your saying and everyone else. But maybe its her bestfriend that is pressuring her to do these things with her?. Her friend is quite controling from what I know and my Fiance' is VERY emotional. When she had to go to a differen't school, she was affraid to tell her friends because she knew they would be sad.



I have talked to her about my feelings towards this and when I do I feel that I am imposing the idea of me not trusting her. I believe if I keep my faith in her and not question her behavior (unless it is direct...like if I saw her kissing a guy) then things will be good. If you knew my Fiance' you'd change your prospective abit. I know the key to a good relationship is communication, but its very confusing...or maybe I'm making it that way. I have expressed my feelings and her reply didn't satisfy me during the time. But once again I feel you must put faith in your partner for a healthy relationship. I don't think its wrong for her to have some alcohol but if she drinks to the point of not remembering anything that changes my whole prospective. Anoterwords, I don't like keeping "tabs" on everything she does. It just feels wrong.



And to answer some other peoples opinions I must say, Id like to travel with her, Id like to meet people with her, Id like to know I can go home and see her, I like the fact of being young and having a mature, serious relationship (although many teenagers I know can barely understand what failthful/mature means :O thats an over exaguration on my part but I think you know what I'm saying!) My trust goes to her now, and I won't eat at myself with "is she telling you the truth?". I am young, and if it doesn't work out then it doesn't. But id rather not have it end by me not trusting her...id rather have it end by me getting "hurt"...if you know what I am saying. Sorry if this is confusing...



Please, reply and give me some more advice....I enjoy hearing from you all..

[ryn21]

Im going to give you a bit of man to man advice.  No matter how much you love this girl, wait a while to get married.  Regardless of what you think, the two of you are not mature enough to be married yet.  A lot of changes take place between the ages of 18 and 21.  Changes like the freedom to go out and drink, college, hormonal, body, ect.  If she seems shady, then she is too immature to even waste your time on.  If you feel its your own concious making you believe that she is shady, then you should relax a bit (I doubt its your concious).  My suggestion is to hold off with the marriage plans.  You have a long future ahead of you, a lot of good times to be had.  Wait!