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Sexuality & Relationships (Expert Forum)
Boyfriend's Sex Drive
Answered by
Pepper Schwartz, Ph.D. - Sexuality, family, Sexual Identity
This forum is for questions and support regarding relationship issues such as: Abstinence, Arousal Problems, Birth Control, Cohabitation, Commitment, Communication, Couples Counseling, Desire /Lack of Desire, Sexual Technique.
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Boyfriend's Sex Drive
by ladylee, Nov 15, 2006 12:00AM
My boyfriend has custody of his 2 young children and since the mother has taken off due to non-payment of child support and fear of being arrested, my boyfriend and I have very little time for love making. He has a very high drive and wants me to wait until the kids are sleep, make love and leave before they get up, which I agree kids should not see us sleeping together. They do not go to bed before 10 and sometimes don't fall asleep until after 11. I live 40 miles away and driving home at 2 or 3 in the morning and having to get up at six does not work for me I need at least 7 hours of sleep. On the weekend the kids stay up later which means, I end up sleep half the day on sat or sun and get none of my personal business or house cleaning done. I work from home on Mondays and he has come over but he is always rush so it is quick. One evening he left them at his mother's and she called after about 40 minutes and said the youngest one was acting up so that ended that. I am perfectly willing to work with him, but how? The youngest has serve food allergies so my boyfriend is afraid to make play dates for him, because any type nut is fatal.
Doctor's Answer
by Pepper Schwartz, Ph.D., Nov 26, 2006 12:00AM
, Nov 26, 2006 12:00AM
How long have the two of you been together? If it is a serious relationship, you and he could start to get the kids used to you..and then slowly they would know you were going to be around, were a nice person etc.. at some point they would not be surprised to see you in the morning - because this disapearing act can't go on forever! Its too hard!
Another approach is to get the kids to sleep earlier . Kids are plastic-- they may WANT to stay up late but your boyfriend can do some enticements to get them to sleep earlier- stories, maybe a movie or some athletic stuff after school that would have them tired out sooner ( and it would be good for them!)
He needs to work out a schedule that honors your tie too- perhaps he can get a baby sitter for the kids some nights and come over and see you at your house.. His mother seems to be able to do it some of the time- take advantage of those!
Work out a schedule together as opposed to doing it night by night. Make sure he knows how hard this is on you and though you want to do it for him and for the relationship and yourself, that it really is difficult. If he cares for you, he will want to either modify their sleeping habits, get help with them or integrate you into the family sooner than later.
Another approach is to get the kids to sleep earlier . Kids are plastic-- they may WANT to stay up late but your boyfriend can do some enticements to get them to sleep earlier- stories, maybe a movie or some athletic stuff after school that would have them tired out sooner ( and it would be good for them!)
He needs to work out a schedule that honors your tie too- perhaps he can get a baby sitter for the kids some nights and come over and see you at your house.. His mother seems to be able to do it some of the time- take advantage of those!
Work out a schedule together as opposed to doing it night by night. Make sure he knows how hard this is on you and though you want to do it for him and for the relationship and yourself, that it really is difficult. If he cares for you, he will want to either modify their sleeping habits, get help with them or integrate you into the family sooner than later.
do you fit in ? whats the big picture here ? is your question
just about when to have sex ? help us help you l.e.
regularly predictable, like kids at school or whatever and plan
it then. not the most romantic way to do it, but you don't have many options. l.e.
That might give you the time you need.
Also, while they are awake, get them engaged in some activity and sneek off for a quicky-if you have to lock your door so they can't barge in-
If he sets up play dates you need to tell the other parent about the allergy- send your own food over-if it just a few hours they should not need to eat anyway.
That, to me, sounds like an issue all its own. If the kids act up when they go to the grandparents house, maybe (most probably) the kids are having a hard time adjusting to their living arrangements. It's tough for mom and dad to split, and then dad have a new girlfriend. Have you been together for a long time? I mean, are you new to the kids, or do they know you?
I would first try to help balance the kids schedule.
After the children settle down (I don't mean at night, I mean generally), then you should concentrate on your relationship. My personal opinion is that the kids come first, and now that dad has them, he needs to focus on them.
As far as sex, could the two of you meet for "lunch"? Sometimes lunch, when the kids are at school, is the only time of day that we get to be together. You have to be creative.