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Sexuality & Relationships (Expert Forum)
My husband wants sex all the time
Answered by
Pepper Schwartz, Ph.D. - Sexuality, family, Sexual Identity
This forum is for questions and support regarding relationship issues such as: Abstinence, Arousal Problems, Birth Control, Cohabitation, Commitment, Communication, Couples Counseling, Desire /Lack of Desire, Sexual Technique.
My husband wants sex all the time
by rbb, Nov 19, 2006 12:00AM
Before my husband and I got married we had sex every day. Sometimes more than once in a day. All of a sudden I got pregnant and the sex slowly diminshed. We eventually got married and had our baby who is now 5 1/2 months old. We don't really have time for sex because my husband works all the time and by the time he gets home I'm very tired and lazy. He asks me constantly to have sex. I sometimes give in. Everytime he sees me in panties or just plain ugly pajamas he wants it. I on the other hand just want to sit down and relax from taking care of our daughter all day. He takes a shower every morning and if I don't have sex with him he goes and jacks off in the shower(and thats pretty much every morning). I feel like I don't get horny anymore like I used to. In the end of it all I don't want to push him away but thats what it's been like ever since we had our baby. Another thing we are both still young and explains part of the reason why he is horny all the time. Can someone help me to solve why I'm like this and why he just wants to have sex like everyday? Is it cause I spoiled him while we were boyfriend and girlfriend?
Doctor's Answer
by Pepper Schwartz, Ph.D., Dec 03, 2006 12:00AM
, Dec 03, 2006 12:00AM
Your feelings are understandable. Babies are tiring and one of the most common reasons for not wanting sex is fatigue. You are emotionally and physically tired. You need a break. If your husband wants you to be interested and willing, he needs to find a way to help you with the baby or you need to get family or friends to take over every once in a while so you can have some fun , relaxing times that give you back energy and sex drive.
On the other hand, he may be masturbating a lot because he feels shut out of your life. It is normal and healthy for either men or women to masturbate-and you shouldn't begrudge him taking care of his sexual appetites-- especially when you aren't available. In fact encourage him and be happy for him that he is sexually alive and pleasing himself. Perhaps you can participate by watching him , or touching him yourself. Most men will find that sexy and even intimate-- and you can help him feel sexy and unwanted without having sex with him if you are not in the mood.
But one other thing-- and it worries me. You said "Is it cause I spoiled him while we were boyfriend and girlfriend?" Did you have a lot of sex with him then? Did you enjoy it -or were you doing it just for him? It's not "spoiling " someone to have a great sex life with them-- unless you were lying to him and pretending to enjoy it- and not really enjoying it. If you led him to believe you had a sex drive that you did not have--that's not fair. Why wouldn't he imagine that your sex life from before would continue- at least in some similar manner? Naturally, he needs to make accomodation for the stress that a baby injects into your married life-- but you both need to find out how to handle that- and make room for each other. Maybe it's not sex every day--but it can't be rare-and a "favor" at that. Guard your sex life together- or it will have a negative impact on the relationship. If you need to, seek counseling so you canfind a good compromise that pleases you both. Sex isn't just about sex. It's about intimacy, bonding, sharing and love.
Don't neglect it-but don't fake it. Find ways to increase your sexual play together- and decrease the impact the baby has on your life. You need to be strong as a couple to be strong as a couple. You might want to read The Great Sex Weekend by myself and Janet Lever-- of any of a number of books about how to keep sex alive in a committed relationship.
On the other hand, he may be masturbating a lot because he feels shut out of your life. It is normal and healthy for either men or women to masturbate-and you shouldn't begrudge him taking care of his sexual appetites-- especially when you aren't available. In fact encourage him and be happy for him that he is sexually alive and pleasing himself. Perhaps you can participate by watching him , or touching him yourself. Most men will find that sexy and even intimate-- and you can help him feel sexy and unwanted without having sex with him if you are not in the mood.
But one other thing-- and it worries me. You said "Is it cause I spoiled him while we were boyfriend and girlfriend?" Did you have a lot of sex with him then? Did you enjoy it -or were you doing it just for him? It's not "spoiling " someone to have a great sex life with them-- unless you were lying to him and pretending to enjoy it- and not really enjoying it. If you led him to believe you had a sex drive that you did not have--that's not fair. Why wouldn't he imagine that your sex life from before would continue- at least in some similar manner? Naturally, he needs to make accomodation for the stress that a baby injects into your married life-- but you both need to find out how to handle that- and make room for each other. Maybe it's not sex every day--but it can't be rare-and a "favor" at that. Guard your sex life together- or it will have a negative impact on the relationship. If you need to, seek counseling so you canfind a good compromise that pleases you both. Sex isn't just about sex. It's about intimacy, bonding, sharing and love.
Don't neglect it-but don't fake it. Find ways to increase your sexual play together- and decrease the impact the baby has on your life. You need to be strong as a couple to be strong as a couple. You might want to read The Great Sex Weekend by myself and Janet Lever-- of any of a number of books about how to keep sex alive in a committed relationship.
Additionally, you're probably up all night, never get to sleep, rarely get to take a shower, lucky to eat at all...is it any wonder that you don't want anyone touching you? You hold baby all the time, so you have plenty of flesh to flesh contact.
My advice, just talk to hubby, help him understand how you feel.
On the other hand (here's the part where I'm gonna get in trouble..)there's nothing wrong with you calling a sitter, putting on some nice music, lighting some candles, and mustering up the desire....yes, it does take effort...to give hubby a little attention. He's probably feeling quite left out these days. Imagine, all of your attention went to him while you were dating. Now, little one gets all of your concentration.
I believe that if you love him, you'll be willing to have sex, even if you don't want to...I'm not saying you have to do this every night, but you do need to slow down and enjoy each other.
Trust me, this too shall pass. As baby gets older, and your body returns more to normal, things will level out.
I feel for you, because I remember.
communication b/t you and hubby is the most important thing. Make sure he understands that you love him and still find him attractive. Make sure he understands how you're feeling...and make sure you understand the same about him.
Would you like an oreo?
Thanks for the help,
olderbutyoung