I cheated on my wife

[billdaniels]

I'm so distraught. A month ago I was away for work and cheated on my wife. Black-out drunk, I woke up and was with a stranger. We did not have sex but that's only because I couldn't. I barely remember fumbling with a condom. I immediately entered an alcohol moderation program and it is going well. I'm a drinker but black-outs are rare. If moderation doesn't work I will begin an abstinence program immediately.  I would do anything to keep my wife. My relationship with her is exceptional. But, if I tell her she would leave me and my life would be over. Hers is a very cut and dry way of looking at life.  It's one of the reasons I love her so much. I have never cheated on her before though I've been in a few situations where the possiblity has arisen. It just wasn't an option, even when alchol was involved. I have been under an inordinate amount of stress. My job changed, we had a baby and we moved across country. Not an excuse, but relevant.



I am a good person and, until now, have never done anything that I regret, especially to my dear wife. I'm worried that my worry over this has forever damaged me spiritually and/or at least, will give me an ulcer. I'm going to get into therapy to deal with my guilt and any underlying problems I may have. Perhaps this can eventually be a good thing? There is now no doubt in my mind how important my wife is to me and I now realize how easy it is to screw things up.  Believe me:  i will NEVER do this again. That much I have learned.  I guess I don't have a question.  Thank you for giving me this forum to purge a little.

[Pepper Schwartz, Ph.D.]

  First of all, forgive yourself. YOu made a bad mistake and it could cost you something very precious. But you know it was a mistake and you know what to do about it. Never do it again--and get alcohol counseling. I hope by now you have stopped drinking- but if you have not , go get counseling from a professional in alcohol abuse and get on a program. Most people who have black outs are in a situation where complete abstinence is warranted-- but get a professional assessment--and follow it.



   Beating yourself is not a useful approach any more. You feel guilt and contempt at your own actions- fair enough- but you don't want to depress yourself so much that you drink in response. Instead, get positive. See whatever issues made you self medicate with alcohol and , in this case, sex- and figure out how to resolve them. The drinking and sex are just a symptom- you have to get at the root of your problems. This is not just a situation where you say "never again"- that will be an empty and insufficent response unless you find out where your unhappiness is coming from and find out a way to fix the things that make you feel anxious and/or desperate.



   My own feeling is don't tell your wife. I know it will be a burden to you to keep this to yourself- but given what you have said- the cost would be too great. If you have a great relationship- preserve that and your punishment is to keep your betrayal to yourself. Sure, it would feel like a relief to tell her but all that you would do is make her unhappy and perhaps break up a perfectly good relationship. What's the constructive outcome there?

  

    Instead, fix your problems, atone in your own way, perhaps through your therapy and maybe even by giving more thought and time to your marriage and family. Be a better husband and father and clean up your act. Just because you have strayed once doesn't mean it has to ever happen again.  But you are in charge of your life and if you want your home and family to continue, you will have to get the therapy you need to protect the people you cherish. See this as a huge wake up call, and change your life.

[sailors wife]

"If moderation doesn't work I will begin an abstinence program immediately. I would do anything to keep my wife"



read this again. if moderation doesnt work dont you think that you may fall into this situation again? is being with your wife as important as drinking? you probably should check out an AA meeting and see what it has to offer for you if cutting it out for good doesnt seem logical. it sounds like you have a heavy load on you that needs to be resolved. therapy is a great place to start. good luck

[sparkeler]

Therapy is a great place to start.  I encourage it 100%.  I'm somehow wondering if you may need to confess one day in order to make your spirit whole again.  Maybe not, but the suspician did arise when reading your comment.  Good luck, and maybe you shouldn't test the drinking waters unless your wife is with you.

[billdaniels]

"is being with your wife as important as drinking?"

God no. I would quit breathing if it were hurting our relationship. I've never tried to moderate before and I'm finding it very easy. My life has changed (the baby) and my drinking habits must change as well. I am not against going to an AA meeting and may even try it out. The problem is I am something of a public figure so it makes me nervous. I may start with an online meeting if they exist. I agree 100% with your comment, however.  How do you know if moderation isn't working?  That's a question for my moderation forum perhaps.



And yes, telling my wife may be inevitable.  If I determine it is the only thing that will repair my soul then it is the only option. I dread that day. I KNOW that if I am honest with myself and work on this in therapy the right course will show itself.  



Thank you for your insightful and even handed comments.  I feel...better? Hard to tell...

[sailors wife]

you know bill AA believes in telling everything - that will not hurt someone. so they believe that maybe this isnt something you have to tell. im not saying its good or bad, just what i know from a close fam. member that goes. there are dr's lawyers and public officials at these meetings. the cool thing is you go, and if it isnt for you, stop. just a thought.

[billdaniels]

Well then, I believe what AA believes. I'll look into it.  I have to consider how much this will hurt my wife as compared to how much it will help me or our relationship. I can't tell her if it would hurt more than help or if it were merely to relieve my conscience.   Does that make sense?  My atonement may be to find a way to live with this crushing guilt, knowing that the problem is being/will be solved and will never repeat itself, without allowing myself the "relief" of telling her.

Another problem:  I mentioned I was a public figure.  There is a slight chance, I guess, that "the woman" or her friends would spill the beans. I don't know if I can live with that but again, it would be selfish to tell her for that reason alone.  Lots to think about.  How do I find a therapist?  How do I tell my wife I'm going tinto therapy?

Thanks again.  You've been very kind and understanding.

[glad2bamom]

I think that you should admit yourself into a program, or find a counselor.  Counselors are protected by doctor/patient privilege, unless you've committed a crime.  Get clean, and the rest will work itself out.  It won't be easy, but if you prove to your wife that you can climb out of the alcoholism, then you may find that she will be able to handle the rest of the truth.



Take it one step at a time.



You're not by any chance a Pastor, are you?  I have no idea who you are, but I just had to ask.

[billdaniels]

I don't think I am an alcoholic. Sure, that's the first sign right?  I believe you can have problems with drinking without being an alcoholic.  However, my journey may prove me wrong. One step at a time.

[billdaniels]

And, no i am not a pastor.

[sailors wife]

im sorry i didnt mean to incinuate you were an acl. your writing suggested a problem and i offered that. no you may just need to get your life in order, the alcohol just seemed to be the catalyst to your cheating.

[billdaniels]

Oh no!  Sailor's wife, I was commenting on glad2beamom comments about alcoholism, not yours.  I do need to get my life in order.  Iguess I'll find out what that means in therapy. Thanks.

[Jules_za]

I think I am very much like your wife.  I have told my husband that if he ever cheats on me there is no conversation. I leave.



Now, my first question to you is, did you have sex? If the answer is no then don't tell her. And make sure you told no one else either.  If you have and through some grapevine she finds out then the **** will hit the fan.  If you have told someone, then you may need to tell her.  Unfortunately there are no safe secrets.  At my husbands bachelors he got really drunk and hit on this women. The only reason nothing happened is because she said no. The only reason I married him is because she said no.



I will never be able to trust my husband the way I should. If he wants to go out drinking I decide if the company he is going to keep I can trust him with.  If not, then the answer is no.



I trusted him like no other before this happened, which is why I say, if there is no way she will find out then don't tell her.  Forget about it, learn from it and move on.  My one question to my husband was "where was I in your head when all you were thinking about was sleeping with another women.  Did alcohol make me not exist?  It will destroy some little part of what you have even if she stays with you.



If you did sleep with this women then your wife needs to know.  I would want to know. But you need to decide, because if you did, and you told me, I would leave you.

[billdaniels]

Thank you. I did not sleep with her and you provide a perspective that is invaluable.  But why is it any different?  The intention was there, it just didn't happen.  We had oral sex, i think. I haven't told a soul and only plan on telling a therapist when I find one that deals with this and alcohol related issues.  I mentioned above, however, that I am a public figure and if my status gains prominence either her or her friends could spread a "rumor".  Easily disputed? Maybe.  Do I want to lie if that happens? Perhaps.  I kind of doubt it will surface though.  This happens every day in my business and usually only serial cheaters get caught.  I hate plotting though.  And I'm not a liar.  I believe that there is justice built into the universe and that if I am truly repentant and really change, grow and learn, then I will not be punished

And then I can begin the process of forgetting.

Thanks again.

[glad2bamom]

Sorry if I insulted you with the "alcoholism" comment.  In my opinion, its pretty cut and dried.  If it happens frequently, and you lost control of your "self-control" and don't even remember exactly what happened, then to me that's an alcoholic.  Not a one time event, mind you, but if it seems to be a recurring problem.  I am by no means judging you, I just wanted to clarify that it really is all semantics.

You admit that you have a problem, and you are looking for solutions.  To me, that is what matters!

I *sort of* agree with the above poster about if you didn't have sex, don't tell.  I think that if you get out of the alcohol issue, and your mind clears...and you have a little distance from this whole experience, you will be more certain as to whether or not you should tell her.  I do see a difference in "wanting to" and "not doing it".  Honestly, there are times for all of us (if we're being truthful) that a thought is there...but we just don't act on it.  

I wish you all the best, and I hope that you find a counselor soon.  They will be able to point you in the right direction with your wife.

[Tommy420]

As much as I want to sound compassionate to your feelings, I think you should tell your wife about what happened, because after all, she is your wife and she deservew to know. One thing I can never tolerate is one spouse cheating on the other. There is never an excuse for it. However, you don't specify exactly what happened. If there was no sex, was there oral sex, or kissing? How did you cheat on her (not that winding up in bed with a complete stranger isn't cheating). Sorry if I sound to judgmental, but I feel compassionate about this topic. I hope the best for you and your wife.

[sk2006a]

this is a pretty personal decision to make, as to whether or not confide in your wife.  i'm a big believer in honesty; however, i'm not a big fan of burdening another just to relieve one's guilt.  it sounds like nothing happened, so maybe this is something you can deal with on your own, without hurting your wife.  good luck.

[Jules_za]

How would you feel if your wife had some strager perform oral sex on her? Would you leave her? Maybe not, but how would you feel about her from then on?  It's a difficult one.  Unfortunately I am not so forgiving in these situations, as your wife is not.  My feeling is - you knew the risk and still let it happen. I can't mean that much to you if the risk was worth it.  If I stayed with you, which i probably would do in the end (considering that you have a great relationship up to now) the relationship would not be that great, and you would have to live with the consequences of your actions which is that i don't trust you and will question everything you do, and every call that comes through on your phone, and that MUST be okay with you, you have no choice, it’s your penance.



If you never do this again, and know that she won't find out, don't tell her and suffer through your guilt.  It will be a lot less suffering than her leaving you. But again, if she finds out and you did not tell her, she is more likely to leave.



I have not touched on the subject of alcohol because to me it is no excuse.

[glad2bamom]

I find you to be extremely intelligent, compassionate, and I love reading your posts.

I agree with everything you said, about the relationship...everything.

However, I have to disagree with the alcohol being no "excuse".  

My dad was an alcoholic his entire life.  Granted, it was choices that he made that got him to the point of being a substance abuser.  And, I look at alcohol