In the same boat

[wanna be a 7again]

I have been seeing this guy for over a year, i was still in love with someone when we started seeing each other. when i finally commited to him, he acts as though he would rather me be with someone and sneak around to see him. (wrong) anyways, he can call, come over, meet my kids, he chooses not to. he won't answer his phone, i have never met anyone he knows, our relationship is a secret partly because we work at the same site, just different companies. he says he did not ansewr his phone because he was in the shower or it was in the bedroom. come on now am i really this stupid..... he calls my sister-n-law looking for me but won't call me. he called her today and asked her what was wrong with me she told him duhhhhh, he said he would call me to talk to me and she said you need to. that was 4 hours ago and i still have not got a call. i will not break and call him. am i wrong for leaving him a message on his v.m saying i did not want to see him anymore?

[Pepper Schwartz, Ph.D.]

  I think it is almost always better to break up with someone in person--unless you think they could be violent or abusive. However in this case, it sounds like it is not a straightforward loving or honest relationship and you are probably right just to break it off. It sounds like your ability to trust this person is over- and I think that when trust is gone , the relationship has little hope. Occasionally it can be rebuilt if you find out you were terribly wrong- but that doesn't sound like the case. If he can't see you in an honest, open way- whats the point? You don't want to feel like he is cheating on you-- or even that he's not proud to be with you and give you the time and courtesy you deserve. Sounds like its over-- and I think you can just move on.

[NataliesMommy]

No, you weren't.  This guy likes the game and the chase.  It will only get worse.  He obviously is not ready to settle into a "one woman" relationship.  Please, please, please take my advice and cut the strings.  He will chase you like crazy because you will be making yourself unavailable but if you go back to him it will start all over again.  Dump him and find someone that wants to be with you for you, not the game.

[freakonaleash]

i totally wouldn't be surprised if he is married or has a secret girlfriend. any signs of that?

[wanna be a 7again]

He said he was dating a girl when we first started seeing each other. he said he was only seeing her for a couple of months (nothing serious) come to find out he had been with her for almost 2 years. i talked to him the other night and i told him i just wanted him to be honest that we have both had our secrets. he said he saw her about a month ago. i knew he had two kids, but i did not know they were by the same woman. he would always talk about having to go to drop off his daughter and pick up his son. he said he told me. they split custody. he has the girl and she has the boy, but i don't know what to believe. i have tried to break it off with him, but he insisted to be with me. i love him but come on there has to be something better. i just don't understand why some people play games.he tells me he loves me but i told him those are words you should not play with. i wanted to go to his house last night and ask him who the hell he thinks he is playing with someone, but i am just gonna let it go. that is the best thing for me.

[wanna be a 7again]

ok i don't know what his problem is, after 3 days of calling and getting v.m. he called me today and asked what i ws doing said he had been trying to call me i told him well i have been trying to call you for three days and you would not answer. he said well i really need to talk to you but i am doing something right now will you answer if i call you later? i said i guess. i have tried calling him for 6 hours and once again v.m. so i wrote him a letter and i want yall to tell me if it pretty much somes it up.



I have waited on you just the same. You tell me you want to see me on thanksgiving and I was so looking forward to it. I tried to call you all day and someone called from you phone but would not say anything. When I tried to call back there was no answer. I kept trying to call all day but no answer. I don’t really think you want me like you say. I feel as though I am a convince to you, when you have nothing better to do, so I just want to let you know that I am no longer going to call you or bother you. I left ____   for me not you and I will not go back to him even though you obviously don’t want me. So what ever it is that you want I hope you get it, but it ain’t me. I don’t know why you do what you do, and I will probably never know, but the one thing I do know is I will not set around and wait on you to call me. I know I made you wait, I apologized for that, and you said I had nothing to be sorry for that you love me and you want to be with me, but come on we are both adults and we don’t have to play these games. I just wanted to let you know that I am sorry it did not work with us, but we have both had our secrets.  

When you do call, you call _____     and ask her what is wrong when you should be calling me. Maybe she is right. I ain’t going to sweat it because I have never really had that relationship with you to cry over. It has been like playing a game for over a year anyway. I thought you were serious but I guess I was wrong.

I told you a long time ago that your lifestyle was different than what I could accept. You said everybody changes. Well I don’t want you to change being who you are, that is who I fell in love with. But because you act the way you do I cannot love you any more.

I told you I did not want to get hurt, and yet every time I call you and your stupid voicemail comes on it hurts. Or it did. You say that you don’t want to feel guilty for messing up my chances with making it work with him. You didn’t I did. But what did you think was going to happen. I mean come one now you really can’t think that we could see each other for a year and ½ and it not make me rethink my situation with_____ . It doesn’t matter anymore. You go your way and I’ll go mine. I just want you to know that I did not ever think I could love someone like this until you, but I will get over it just the same. Lesson learned.  

Any way I hope that what ever choice you made on thanksgiving was worth it because the choice I made to day is. I told you along time ago I could not see you anymore. You pushed me telling me you love me. These are words that you shouldn’t play with. I will not call you again. I will not bother you anymore. What ever it is, I guess there is more to offer than what I can give you so have at it.

WELL YALL WILL IT WORK......

[wanna be a 7again]

ok well i finally talked to him, he told me he has been scared every since i became single he is scared to move forward and that he dosen't want to make a move until he knows for sure that i won't go back to my x.... any way you think i should give him that time. i know you guys think i am stupid airing all of this but hey i really need some advise from someone other than the wise mother with the bud light can in her hand ...... thanx to all

[scaredincanada]

I think you made the right choice, you are better than that to be treated like you are a conveniance, maybe give him a taste of his own medicine. As you are honest about not getting back with your ex, maybe he should do the same, apparently he feels guilty about something. You are too good for that. Make yourself busy so you don't answer his calls right away. See how he likes it, and if it pushes him away, good he deserves it. You need to focus on you right now. I do not blame you one bit. Take care.

[lawgirl17]

Stick to your guns ... it sounds to me like he isn't being faithful. I know how difficult this is, and I truly wish you the best. You must follow your gut, which as you said is telling you that this is not right. Best wishes through this difficult time.

[wanna be a 7again]

thank you.... i am not sure what i am going to do but i know i won't cry no more.