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Sexuality & Relationships (Expert Forum)
Boyfriend unsure if he loves me after std
Answered by
Pepper Schwartz, Ph.D. - Sexuality, family, Sexual Identity
This forum is for questions and support regarding relationship issues such as: Abstinence, Arousal Problems, Birth Control, Cohabitation, Commitment, Communication, Couples Counseling, Desire /Lack of Desire, Sexual Technique.
Boyfriend unsure if he loves me after std
by uronlysunshine, Dec 05, 2006 12:00AM
I'm having a lot of problems getting out what I want to say in this post, because I'm still having issues dealing with the problem in general, but here goes nothing.
My boyfriend and I, --who have been slowly falling for each other over a long distance for the past 7 months, but officially declared this love about 3 weeks ago when we were together for a prolonged vacation--have run into a large rough patch and I'm not sure how to get out of it. I was visiting him 3 weeks ago--we hadn't seen each other in 6 months--and we finally had sex. It was amazing and beautiful and I have absolutely no regrets. Until last week, when during one of our usual lovey-dovey daily phone calls, he tells me that we have a problem, and it's Chlamydia. Now, any of you familiar with this STD knows that it's cureable and the least worrisome out of the myriad STDs that we could have gotten. Now, my boyfriend is the one who hasn't had sex since about 5 months ago, though I was having sex up until about 3 months ago (things were all over the place with us, we didn't wanna be in a relationship because the distance was too difficult so we opted just to be friends, but we couldn't stay that way--the feelings were overwhelming). Anyways, I'm assuming it's my fault, though it may very well not be and I can't really find out because in August I was taken advantage of by another guy and I never said anything to anyone because I wasn't sure how to deal with it. I don't want to call it "rape" because I'm not sure what happened. All I know is that I blacked out for the entire night and I woke up naked...
My boyfriend and I, --who have been slowly falling for each other over a long distance for the past 7 months, but officially declared this love about 3 weeks ago when we were together for a prolonged vacation--have run into a large rough patch and I'm not sure how to get out of it. I was visiting him 3 weeks ago--we hadn't seen each other in 6 months--and we finally had sex. It was amazing and beautiful and I have absolutely no regrets. Until last week, when during one of our usual lovey-dovey daily phone calls, he tells me that we have a problem, and it's Chlamydia. Now, any of you familiar with this STD knows that it's cureable and the least worrisome out of the myriad STDs that we could have gotten. Now, my boyfriend is the one who hasn't had sex since about 5 months ago, though I was having sex up until about 3 months ago (things were all over the place with us, we didn't wanna be in a relationship because the distance was too difficult so we opted just to be friends, but we couldn't stay that way--the feelings were overwhelming). Anyways, I'm assuming it's my fault, though it may very well not be and I can't really find out because in August I was taken advantage of by another guy and I never said anything to anyone because I wasn't sure how to deal with it. I don't want to call it "rape" because I'm not sure what happened. All I know is that I blacked out for the entire night and I woke up naked...
Doctor's Answer
by Pepper Schwartz, Ph.D., Dec 24, 2006 12:00AM
, Dec 24, 2006 12:00AM
Ok- so here's the situation. You had sex with someone else. Not someone you were in love with ,and while you were separated from him. You may have contracted a disease then, fortunately one that is curable.
He certainly has the right to be upset about the STD ( which we don't know came from you but may have) the question is, what is he going to do about it? You didn't do it on purpose and you are monogamous now= the question is what are you to each other now and what kind of promises could you make to each other to never put each other in jeopardy again?
Tell him how you feel and you are terribly sorry and would never knowingly put him in jeopardy as you are sure he would not do to you. So , how about making a pledge of monogamy now, and starting over and being true to one another? You were separated and there were no promises made. This would be different.
Hopefully he loves you enough- and you love him enough- to make this pledge and recommit to one another. If he won't do it, it will hurt I am sure but you will know where he stands and you will have to find someone who can accept your past- and move forward. Those people are out there- and hopefully your guy can be one of them.
He certainly has the right to be upset about the STD ( which we don't know came from you but may have) the question is, what is he going to do about it? You didn't do it on purpose and you are monogamous now= the question is what are you to each other now and what kind of promises could you make to each other to never put each other in jeopardy again?
Tell him how you feel and you are terribly sorry and would never knowingly put him in jeopardy as you are sure he would not do to you. So , how about making a pledge of monogamy now, and starting over and being true to one another? You were separated and there were no promises made. This would be different.
Hopefully he loves you enough- and you love him enough- to make this pledge and recommit to one another. If he won't do it, it will hurt I am sure but you will know where he stands and you will have to find someone who can accept your past- and move forward. Those people are out there- and hopefully your guy can be one of them.
Anyways, I told my boyfriend, because I saw how upset he was about the STD and though I'd kept the potential "rape" from any of my friends (aside from one), I told him thinking he would be sympathetic to my guilt about giving him the STD also. Instead, he's so upset with me and I can understand that, but it's getting to the point where he's not the same. He told me he's unsure how he feels about me, whether or not he wants to continue this relationship, doesn't know if he can trust me, doesn't know if things can go back to normal and even if they do, it'll take a lot of work and time because this has changed everything. I get that, and I'm not trying to just make the situation all better over night but does anybody have any suggestions on what I can do to help speed the healing process? I have exams (I'm graduating from University) and a lot of stress from that alone, but now I have this STD and on top of that, this love that I'd never known before is not the same--he barely even talks to me, admitting it's because he's still upset.
Please help...
Thank you for your support it means a lot to me you have no idea. I've been going through so much and seeing as how his support is basically non-existent, I need as much as I can get. My friends have been really great, and even though he's not really present for me right now, I don't blame him because I know it's hard and it's all very new and strange and scary so I'm just waiting for him to take his time and adjust. I mean, he knows that he's being an "*******" to me, he said it himself, so at least that's something. I miss the way he used to be though...I wish I could take it all back now, but I can't and that's what's killing me on the inside. Breaking my heart, everytime we try to have a normal conversation and I get almost no response from him...
Just remember, you are right, Love does conquer all. Give him sometime I'm sure he will learn to deal with it. I am here to listen. Feel free to unload on me. (((((HUGS))))) :)
I don't know. To be honest, I don't think this bodes well for your future. He clearly has some issues, and there's more going on here than meets the eye. Given the newness of your relationship and all of the other hurdles, I'm not sure it's probably not worth your time or effort to try to salvage the relationship. I would definitely think this one through very carefully, maybe seek counseling. I wish you the best of luck.
Best of luck!
As for being taken advantage of, there's not a lot I can say about that. I didn't report it because I thought it was my fault. He's having problems with it, perhaps because I never mentioned it before and given our open relationship it seems sketchy that I never did and only brought it up now in defense of a bad situation.
I don't want to call it quits, and I don't think he does either, judging by the fact that we're both trying really hard to just get past this. I know it'll continue to be hard for both of us but I think we have it in us to fight for what we have. I just need support because he's severely depressed right now...not just with me but with everyone. He;s a shadow of his former self and I just need people to tell me it's going to be ok.
no one here can say its going to be fine. perhaps it will perhaps it wont. only time will tell. i hope it works out for you guys but your 1st post it seems as if he wants out. as soon as we side with you, you run to his defense.
it also sounds like he has a lot of soul searching and thinking to do. i dont get the feeling he quite knows what he wants right now. dont try to figure it out for him.
best o luck!
He needs to understand and explore what that may be. If he already knows what it is, then it would be helpful if he shares it with you. I honestly don't think this ALL came about because of this one incident...it sounds more like this is the straw that broke the camel's back.
Regardless of who gave who what (and im hoping you dont have it so you throw it in his face like he's being to you) There seems to be more going on to add to the feeling of trust he is claiming he has lost. Are we sure that HE isnt screwing around or done anything behind your back that he isnt coming clean about?
Just because you feel you know someone inside and out isnt always the case. Especially with long distance relationships. They rarely work out.