confused about relationship with hubby

[doaks]

I'm 27, have been married for 5 years, and 4.5 mos prego with #2.  With the first baby hubby got really weird - started hiding pornographic material around the house (in floor vents) and had multiple i.d.'s on dating websites.  He really wouldn't have sex with me.  Everytime I would ask him if he had been on those sites or opend another account on one he would say NO, but then I would search in the computer history and find something. Our relationship, to me, seems to be in need of some help.  He has taken to yelling at me or raising his voice at the smallest things.  He is SO different from the man that I married.  I suggested marriage counseling and he says that there isn't a problem.  I have caught him lying, only about minor things, but is it possible that he is lying about other things.  I don't know what to do.  People say that guys and porn just go together.  Well, it really hurts my feelings.  I don't understand why he has to look at nudie pics of other women.  When I suggest we put on some porn and have a little fun, he says, no leave the tv off.  The other nite this was the case and my nomrally 15 sec man couldn't even get off.  Is there something wrong with me?  I always thought I was pretty good in bed.  I'm far from ugly and I'm not fat.  In fact this pregnancy I've only gained 2 lbs. so far.  I just don't know what to do to get the man I married back or why he acts the way he does.  He says he cares, but then does things he knows will hurt my feelings.

[Pepper Schwartz, Ph.D.]

Your husband seems to want to have a secret erotic life separate from you. It may have been the baby that started his feelings- some men find a woman's pregnancy and subsequent family life frightening or unsettling- and retreat from the relationship for awhile or a long time.



    The problem is not his reaction, which can be dealt with, but his refusal to level with you or go into a counseling situation. Pornography is no big deal- but hiding it and keeping his feelings secret from you is a big problem. You need an intimate, honest and open relationship with him--and when he denies you that, even in the face of an altered sexual style, he is hurting you and the marriage.



    You need to go to counseling- so go yourself. If he accompanies you after awhile, it would be terrific - and you should encourage him to do so. But you need to talk, give some detail about what is going on, and your counselor can give you support and additional ideas about how to relate and react to him. This is an important time, and if he is retreating from the relationship, sexually or in any other way, you can build intimacy instead of losing it , by facing the situation squarely- Your therapist can help you and I hope this letter will jumpstart you into going and seeing someone.

[southernguy911]

Hi,



I think that occassionally every man will look at a few pieces of porn.  However, my best advice for you is to be the best wife you know how to be.  I know it sounds strange when your husband isn't living up to his "part of the deal."  P.S. Prayer never hurts

[JJety]

Is he only this way when you're pg?  If so, then that's your answer.  Sometimes it's hard to get past the fact that you're carrying a baby and some men think they'll hurt the baby or you if they have sex.  When you said that your normally 15 sec man couldn't even get off, this absolutely sounds like the problem, to me.  My DH takes a lot longer when I'm pg too because he knows I'm uncomfortable and he knows it doesn't feel the greatest for me.



The part about hiding the porn in floor vents is really weird though.  I don't understand why he'd do that.  If you're willing to watch a fun video with him then you're obviously not so uptight that you'd freak out.  That just seems really strange.  



The part about being a member of dating sites and lying about it is the worst of all of this, because now you're not talking about just pictures; you're talking about real interaction with other women.  That can lead to no where but trouble.



I agree with seeking counseling, but you can't make him go.  Again, if he only acts this way when you're pg, then it's okay that he feels this way.  Lots of men do.  It's just not okay that he seeks out dating websites.

[sparkeler]

I think it may be because your pregnant too.  I know it's sad, but some men are turned off by all of that.  They would rather look at some hot young thing with big boobs and a skinny waiste, then a woman whose about to have a baby.  I'm not trying to be mean at all because I think that pregant woman are beautiful.  I'm a woman and we are just different by nature.  I don't think we are as in to the physical appearance of men as men are to woman.  Not all men, but some men are just weird like that.  Have you tried talking to him about what he's really thinking?  Just ask him hun.  Good luck with you and your babies.

[doaks]

Thanks everyone for your great advise and support.  Its just hard because it hurts so badly, ya know.  But, I'll just have to deal with it.

[ryn21]

As a man, I will say that males look at porn once in a while, and as long as its not an obsessive habit, it's totally healthy.  As far as your relationship goes, there is clearly some issues between you two.  Counseling would probably be a good place to start.  Having recently gone through a similar situation myself, I know it can be confusing and also hard to face facts.  But you and your husband need to talk about these relationship issues and not mask them.  His having various names on various dating sites should be brought up and you need to be hard on him about it.  There is no excuse or explanation for this; you two are married, it should not be tolerated.  You need to be tougher on him about this situation.  You also need to stop being passive about all of this and really express your feelings and your needs.  Once you bring all of the issues to the forefront, you will see the situation in its entirety and then can assess whether there is a need for either counseling, a possible split up, or ways to rekindle your relationship.  



You two need to be honest with each other and with yourselves.  If the relationship continues on this path, the two of you will begin living a fake relationship which you both dont deserve. In your mind, think about everything and face the harsh reality and assess what needs to be done.  Dont give up though, you can make it through if you work together.  I hope everything works out for the two of you.  Good luck :)  .

[Christie04_returns]

The dating website IDs are the thing he really needs to explain.  

The porn doesn't worry me quite as much as that.  It's pretty hard to explain away why a married man with a baby on the way needs to be on a dating website.

[BearHitch]

I understand that this view may be contrary to what our media tells us, but I disagree about it being healthy for men to look at porn.  He is married to you and is to love and cherish you- he has no need to be looking at other naked women, because I doubt he is just "looking," rather lusting, and that is the start on a path that leads to trouble.  His eyes are for you alone.  As I said, this is not a popular view, but I wanted to tell you that, even though I do not know you, you deserve to be cherished and to have a husband who desires you and loves you- and is open enough to not lie.  Good luck!

[jessicas]

i like many others would say one thing. somethings in our society like porn have now just become ok which they shouldnt have but they have n so lets not focus on them.so men and porn yes do go together.but i have to tell u this different names on different websites im sorry but loud and clear shouts a cheater.talking to other real women who knows how many and about wat and when hes a husband and a father y?hes not even on  those sites with one single identity. he wants new flavor , different new women different kind of conversations. put ure foot down and take this seriously!this happened in ure first pregnancy too? and now again? u really need to sit him down and get all ure answers and tell him that if he doesnt come clean and straighten up his act u will not put up with this.rite now this is just the internet but it could lead to the real thing soon. im sorry im being so blunt but i wana help u . please take control.

[shelzyx]

Hi, I must say this happened to me a few years ago with my husband and it ended up being that he had cheated on me, this may not be the case with your hubby but it sounds like it. We seperated for a few months and worked it out, we were together 10 years before he strayed and we have been back together now for nearly 5 years. You do have to be hard on him though he won't just let it out, confront him with everything and don't give him time to think of an excuse or something to blameit all on you either my hubby did in the end I said you are the one with the issues and kicked him out and told him to sort himself out I'm not the problem. Never take the blame for something they have done and don't let him make you feel guilty either.. Tough times ahead unfortunately but sort it out now before your beautiful bundle comes along and if he blames it on the pregnancy that is him trying to take the easy way out. Good luck!!! Let us know how you go. Richelle

[HappilyMarried]

Sounds like me and my wife, . .I cheated, . .after looking at porn and emailing women,. . and after that it was a long time, . .months before it came out. and it had too. It boiled over into other parts of my life. I couldn't be affectionate and romantic anymore. I started yelling and going off. I continued to masturbate to porn and once I got off, .. I'd suppress it and rationalize about it. I couldn't look at myself in the mirror anymore and say "you're a good guy". It affected my patience with the kids, my performance on the job, our sex life, our relationship as a whole. It turns out, I've got sexual desires that I was embarrased to share with another human being and once I started to lie and hide stuff it pushed me into cheating on my wife. It's impossible to have secrets and be close to someone at the same time. Let him get his secrets out and if you love him and can accept that moments of weakness and secrets are something that alot of men deal with before they learn what real love is are something that does happen (look at bill and hillary, did she leave? should she have? does that make her weak?) you'll have an awakening in your marriage and it'll feel like it did when you first got together.

Keep in mind also that he might be bisexual or have some other fantasy (group sex, you and another woman, rough sex, calling you a *****, spanking, anal sex and play, etc)you can't fulfil. It is estimated that only 10% of the worlds population is purely hetero or homo sexual. These urges and thoughts will cause a man to cheat. One lie causes an alternate reality, two lies makes three, . .a whole lot of lies and secrecy makes for a pretty miserable existance. I lied and cheated,. .I died inside,. .I came clean, . . and I'd never give the peace of mind I have now up for anything. My wife loves me more than I've ever been loved and it took a long time to be able to love her back. You have to love and be true to yourself before you can love and be true to anyone else. He's probably got an issue that he doesn't feel is normal and that he keeps secret and that keeps him from being true to you. Love him and be open and it can work. If he knows if you find out you're gonna leave he'll never tell you and you'll always feel this way until you leave. Life is not easy but you and I both know that couples have been dealing with this **** for ever. You think you're the weak one but really he's the weak one because he hides.



PS: Not to complicate things but I'd bet a hundred dollars he has fantasies about men, it's more normal than you and others think.