My girlfriend was sexually abused by her Dad

[Stupid_in_rio]

I have been dating my girlfriend for about a year now.  Last August she spilled the beans ( I was the first person she ever told)  about her Dad.  Her Dad, who she praised over as the greatest dad when I first met her, sexually abused her for 9 years from the age of 9 to 15.  She is 26 and I am 27 years of age; I have seen and been through alot of things in my life such as a closet gay recovering herion addict dad but this situation really hits the heart.



She went to seek therapy and told a couple of very close friends to get it off her chest.  She travels for work and therapy has stopped.  She is a very insecure person and is always questioning my love for her.  All she wants is me to marry her.  I am not ready mentally or financially for that.  It destroys her.  



I will not visit her family.  Her Mom supposedly does not know but I think she does.  My girlfriend has kept this a secret for so long and she praised her dad until last August.  She has not confronted them yet.  This is a big strain on our relationship, I will not visit the family, sex is not the same anymore, I question if she knows what love is because she is basing it on her childhood.



My questions are

Do a run or stick this out?  I am not ready to give her the life she is looking for.



I will feel major guilt if I leave?  She has done nothing wrong.

This situation has led me to cheat on her with someone else.



How do partners cope being with a partner who was sexually abused as a child?



My drinking and cheating has increased since this incident.



Any advice?

[Pepper Schwartz, Ph.D.]

   This is a strange letter because you obviously care about her and yet you are expressing your distress at ther revelation in terms of cheating on her and being self destructive by drinking..

   Of course I can't know enough to give an exact directive to you- but here are the elements of this situation that you need to think about:

    First of all, if you can't give her the commitment she needs at least offer a firm
   friendship. Then you dont have to feel so guilty and you wont need to punish her or
   yourself  with self destructive behavior.

    Second, get her to a good rape crisis center where they have great counseling and support services. They will get her to the right person to deal with incest and they will help her figure out what to do.

    Third, be a little patient with her as a person. She has carried this burden for so many years- don't punish her with total withdrawal.  If you don't love her, or dont want to marry her , now or eventually- that is your decision to make and so be it. But be there for her to have a shoulder to cry on. She might try and drive you away with big demands and scenes- but if you want to be a great guy- don't let her push you away because you wont be her partner- try and be convincing that you care about her and want to support her as she works through this. If she does not want that and really won't have it, ok, you can leave with a good conscience- you tried. But really try.

  It is very hard to be with someone going through this kind of trauma. You either have the heart for it or not... but its hard --and the truth is some women never get over the effects of the experience--others will, but there is no guarantee about when.

   She will eventually, one hopes confront the situation head on and make her father answer to his crime with her. But she has to make that decision. I don't blame you for not wanting to go over to her house- she will understand that eventually- but in the meantime make sure she understands you are not trying to punish her- you are merely unable to be in the presence of someone who has hurt someone you care about so hideously or be in a family that supports non intervention of this assaultive and perverse relationship.

    Of course your girlfriend is insecure. Look what she's been through. Maybe you can't or don't want to deal with it- these emotions are too complex to try and analyze completely- but it would be upsetting to almost anyone.  Just keep encouraging her to get help and be her friend.  ULtimately , she will have to want to heal and get help to do just that.  Part of that healing is likely to be bringing the authorities in. It will be painful all the way around but remember to respect the courage it took to tell you and don't judge her for how long it takes her to deal with her father now. None of us know how we would act if someone had taken away our security and innocense in this terrible way.

[babylove2006]

Stop Cheating on her! That's a good start there. Do you love her? If so, then you need to be there for her.



I for one know its VERY HARD to open up and talk to someone about being abused. She must trust you a lot to share those painful memories with you. You should feel honored that she chose you to talk too.  



Yes it can put a strain on a relationship but ONLY if you keep letting it.



Bottom Line... If you love her then be there 100% of her. Stop cheating on her. Don't use her abuse as a reason to cheat.



I am sorry to come off so harsh.

[Stupid_in_rio]

The cheating I know is wrong.  I think I was at the point to end the relationship right before she told me.  Now, I don't have the heart to leave her in the dust.  



I am wrong for cheating and I am a coward but its not easy being with someone so emotionally fragile.

[JJety]

"My drinking and cheating has increased since this incident."



Poor, poor girl.  She should be the one running.  No wonder she constantly questions your love for her.

[pertykitty]

i was going to say what a good guy you are for wanting to help her. but then i read that line. what are you doing? if this relationship isnt what you want, and its too much to deal with then leave!! what she has and continues to endure with the past history is something that will take much time and therapy to see her through. im guessing because of her fathers choice she does feel the need to be assured she is loved and respected. do her a favor and either get your act together or set her free.

[mslkpage]

She needs to resume therapy ASAP. Once she gets that ball rolling, you should consider attending a few session with her.



Oh, and if she finds out you're cheating on her, she will feel re-victimized all over again. Using "this incident" as a reason to get drunk and run around is BS.

[sparkeler]

It sounds as this is too much for you to handle emotionally.  Even if she wasn't molested, I would suggest ending this relationship.  It sounds like you to mature a little bit before settling down.  Sew your wild oats and experience life a little bit more before carrying around someone else's baggage.  Believe me, it's the best thing you can do for her in the long run.  She deserves to be with someone that can love and accept her for who she is now or she needs to be alone.  She deserves to be cherished just as anyone else does, not belittled as you are doing to her.  Your just not the right guy for her,not right now anyway.  It's not your fault, it's life.

[Stupid_in_rio]

Just for the record I had a problem with alcohol before I met her.  The cheating is a result of the alcohol but I am not making any excuses, I know its a choice that I make. After she told me, making love to her was difficult.  I felt either I was hurting her or she enjoys it for the wrong reasons.  I have been to therapy with her but it always turns to the problem that "I cause",a according to her, in the relationship.  



I am trying to make the point I am not perfect and I do need to work on myself.  She needs to work on herself as well.  I care for her and love her but this incident puts a strain on it.



I am asking has anyone been through a relationship where the two have their own problems to solve and been through it?  Has anyone dealt with a person who has been sexually abused as a child from their dad or close familty member for 9 years?



I am not asking to deal with my cheating issues.  That is something I know is wrong and I am working on it.  I need some advice about being with someone who has been sexually abused.



Thanks everyone,



Lost but looking to find.

[RockRose]

Well I'm going to take a little different tack than the others.



I don't think it's your duty to remain with a woman who is not well,  and isn't trying to get well.  You were at the point of breaking up with her before you knew,  because she wasn't a "match" for you.  



You aren't under any obligation in life to marry a woman because you pity her.



She needs to get well,  and figure this whole thing out and TURN HER FATHER IN so that he isn't having sex with someone else and damaging them.  



BTW - this is a tiny point,  but your math is all wrong - I have a small hinky feeling maybe this isn't as she is saying it.

[ryn21]

If the two of you are not doing well, it is probably best to break it off (nicely) with her rather than continue on and possibly make her insecurities and anxieties worse.  You are doing more damage staying with her if you dont feel you can handle the situation overall.  

[Stupid_in_rio]

Sorry, my math was wrong in the initial post.  I meant to say 9 years from the age of 5 to 14 years old.



It did cross my mind maybe she was telling lie from preventing me to flee.  That has past.  She told two close friends of hers that I have had conversations with and her therapist (who she seen for a very short time) which I attended a couple of sessions.

[RockRose]

I wish you the best.    I think the fact that she's telling a therapist,  and her friends,  and you,  but hasn't peeped a word to any of her family and she's still going to visit her family - she's miles and miles and miles from any kind of recovery.

[youngYETold]

i have to agree with rock.. i have a lot of experience with lieing about these sorts of things although i mainly did it to myself and my therapists i never really brought people into it. I have been sexually abused and assaulted but only one of each.  I understand the strain it can cause on a relationship because my boyfriend and i have problems getting past  alot of  my issues. I get nightmares whenever something reminds me of my past. I lied to my therapist for years telling her i was molested on many occasions by the same family member when in reality I was never harmed by a family member. I think it was my way of avoiding the real issue but i don't really know i still have to stop myself sometimes from thinking about it because i thought it for so long part of me really does believe it. I think the two of you need to sit down and have a true heart to heart. Tell her how you feel and how it is affecting you, and stop cheating and get help for your problems that will help her to know you really do care and want to help her and your self!! Well good luck to you. This is a really hard thing to work through my boyfriend and i are going on four years and i just recently opened up to him ( a week ago). It opened his eyes to a lot of our problems and helped us grow closer. But we have much different circumstances. I hope you all the best whether it be together or apart.