Member Comments are provided by individuals and reflect their personal opinions only. Under NO circumstances should you act on any advice or opinion posted in this forum. ALWAYS check with your personal physician before taking any action regarding your health! MedHelp International and our partners, sponsors and affiliates have no obligation to monitor any comments posted on this site, or the content and/or accuracy of such exchanges. MedHelp International does not endorse the views of any user.
Sexuality & Relationships (Expert Forum)
Female Sexual Addiction or ???
Answered by
Pepper Schwartz, Ph.D. - Sexuality, family, Sexual Identity
This forum is for questions and support regarding relationship issues such as: Abstinence, Arousal Problems, Birth Control, Cohabitation, Commitment, Communication, Couples Counseling, Desire /Lack of Desire, Sexual Technique.
Female Sexual Addiction or ???
by goforbroke, Dec 18, 2006 12:00AM
My girlfriend is 36 years old and has gotten me concerned about her sexual behaviors. We have been together for about 15 months and shortly after we met she said she was a highly sexual person. Cool, I thought, little did I know.
I have recently found out that she has had multiple sexual partners, both male and female. She admitted to me that she thinks of sex all the time, and feels bad about her behavior. I have found her in rooming houses with other men, in the parking lot in her van, with guys in the bathroom. She claims she can't control it and also claims she loves me. I have no idea if this is possible or not.
She will write me explict e-mails and. She can have four or more orgasms per night easily. She is pretty and guys hit on her all the time and she apparently has no idea how to deal with it.
It would be prudent to mention that she used to weight almost 400lbs. Three years ago she had an operation and now weighs about 132lbs and has a very nice figure. She was big as a child and adult. I don't know if she ever learned how to interpert social cues (especially from men) since she was always so friggin huge and considered the "funny, loveable fat chick"
She shows genuine remorse over her sexual behaviors, but can't or won't seem to stop them. She has the sex drive greater than most men I know (ok, ALL the men I know). Is female sexual addiction a reasonable possiblity? TIA
I have recently found out that she has had multiple sexual partners, both male and female. She admitted to me that she thinks of sex all the time, and feels bad about her behavior. I have found her in rooming houses with other men, in the parking lot in her van, with guys in the bathroom. She claims she can't control it and also claims she loves me. I have no idea if this is possible or not.
She will write me explict e-mails and
It would be prudent to mention that she used to weight almost 400lbs. Three years ago she had an operation and now weighs about 132lbs and has a very nice figure. She was big as a child and adult. I don't know if she ever learned how to interpert social cues (especially from men) since she was always so friggin huge and considered the "funny, loveable fat chick"
She shows genuine remorse over her sexual behaviors, but can't or won't seem to stop them. She has the sex drive greater than most men I know (ok, ALL the men I know). Is female sexual addiction a reasonable possiblity? TIA
Doctor's Answer
by Pepper Schwartz, Ph.D., Dec 18, 2006 12:00AM
, Dec 18, 2006 12:00AM
Yes, you could call her addicted- but I must say, you sound pretty calm over all this. If you have found her with guys in vans, bathrooms etc-- how come you are still with her? Especially if she is not in some kind of serious theraputic treatment. Having sex all the time with just any convienient person, especially when you are in a relationship with someone is extremely self destructive behavior. One of the ways it reveals itself as pain rather than pleasure is tha she feels bad about it-- but keeps doing it. Sinceyou have not mentioned that she is in therapy, I assume she is not- which means she still is habituated to the pleasure or momentary relieve of her anxieties or self hatred and not yet motivated enough to start changing her behavior and the underlying psychological problems that may be causing them. It's impossible for me to know what these underlying issues are from this vantage point- but you may be right that some issues from her period of being obese may be involved. On the othe hand, she may have become very heavy because of issues that were not about weight but were solved in a similar way- but repetitive , self destructive behavior ( in that case, over eating).
I don't know if it helps to call it an addiction- I think that is a problematic word once you get out of the drug and alcohol category- but it is a runaway habit and dependency that is very hard to control. She will have to make that step or her life will be troubled and perhaps dangerous ( being in vans with men who don't loveyou and just want to have sex with you doesnt strike me as safe). I think you need to ask yourself- what am I doing with this woman? Is this self destructive on your part? You might be able to befriend her- but right now she certainly doesn't sound like girlfriend material.
I don't know if it helps to call it an addiction- I think that is a problematic word once you get out of the drug and alcohol category- but it is a runaway habit and dependency that is very hard to control. She will have to make that step or her life will be troubled and perhaps dangerous ( being in vans with men who don't loveyou and just want to have sex with you doesnt strike me as safe). I think you need to ask yourself- what am I doing with this woman? Is this self destructive on your part? You might be able to befriend her- but right now she certainly doesn't sound like girlfriend material.
it sounds like you're not only letting her jepordize you as a human being with feelings, but also your life!
Most of her behaviors I have found out by third parties. We don't live together, so I can't watch her 24/7. I would give you examples of how she can manipulate and lie, but when I actually write them out, they seem so outlandish that any reasonable person would question me as to why I would believe her. Maybe denial isn't just a river in Egypt?
She is not in therapy, but I believe she has a prescription drug and alcohol problem. A previous boyfriend beat her badly, and hit her with his car, breaking both shoulders. She takes pain meds like candy. Because her stomach is about the size of your thumb, two drinks make her giddy. She started drinking about two, maybe three years ago.
Her stories that she tells to cover her behavior run from having cancer and losing her grandparents (both false) to running out of gas and getting a ride home from a friend. These stories are used to explain why she didn't show up or why she hasn't been heard from in days. I did find her staying at a rooming house for three days with six other men. She claims she was drunk just about 24/7 during that time and doesn't remember much other than getting hit by one of them for refusing to have anal sex.
According to her, just about every man she meets wants sex with her. I mean EVERYONE. I don't think I ever heard her mention a guy with out adding something about how he wants her.
She did tell me at one point that she is the "Queen of Bullsh!t" and sadly, I agree. She has a sixteen year old daughter that she ignores and family and friends that known her longer than I have said the same thing about her sexual behavior.
I probably seem calm about this because I think I have accepted the fact that this relationship is doomed unless something drastic happens. I have also, believe it or not, thought about how messed up her life is and how
I am glad you mentioned her gastric surgery. I had a gastric segmentation a little over 10 years ago. I can really see how she could over enjoy her new found sexiness. It is really difficult to get used to men looking at you in a desirable way when all of your life you never felt that. I behaved a bit 'loose' the first few years after my weight loss but eventually realized it was not so wise. Also....and this may be the thing that makes her sooooo interested in sex, when you lose weight, you also lose it in your vaginal tissues. I "felt" sex sooooo much more when I got thin than when I was fat. The fatty tissues around your labia and stuff actually can stifle feeling. Some obese women may argue with me that they can 'feel' stuff just fine, but I know that I noticed a huge difference and it made me enjoy sex much more.