hubby doesnt like oral sex

[jessicas]

please someone try to help me. my husband doesnt like oral sex. initially i couldnt believe it. he not only doesnt like giving it he hates getting blow jobs.(hes a guy!!) after awhile in our two yr marriage,after talkin about it many times n gettin no answers from him .we finally had some really big fights n i insisted on the reasons. his reasons are he cant put his face and tongue where i take a **** from its too sick for him. same goes for why he doesnt wana get it from me . he says it just seems extremely unhygenic to him and secondly im his wife and he says he doesnt like seeing me sucking on him .he things its a degrading act and it makes him think how disgusting it is, how unattractive i look with his penis in my mouth, how disrespectful an act it is . it looks like something prostitutes n whores do.

i love oral sex , giving and getting. wat should i do?

[Pepper Schwartz, Ph.D.]

Your husband has some real issues about what sexuality should be like and he is not alone in his attitudes. A lot of men have been taught that oral sex is dirty and degrading and it has stuck in their mind so that they are repulsed. While most men love oral sex ( both getting and giving) your husband is part of a large minority



  The question is - what to do about it? Since this is a very deep feeling on his part, the only thing I can suggest that I actually think will work is going to a sex therapist together where he can talk about his feelings- in fact, even better is if he would start alone so he can really unload his feelings without your commentary and the therapist can talk privately to him...



  He needs someone to do some deep rethinking of what oral sex is and means. I could tell you to try after you have taken a bath together and are squeaky clean but I dont think that would do it.



   See if he will go discuss this with someone with you or for you or both. Tell him you are willing to let go of the arguements etc if he will try and see what all this means to him and to the marriage. If he won't do it then you will either have to make peace with yourself about this situation- or, if its that important, leave the marriage. I hope though, if the marriage is good in other respects that you can find a place where he changes his feelings about it and it can be part of your sexual repetoire-or you decide its not such a big deal. NO marriage is perfect and some compromises are made in every marriage. You just have to decide what you can and cant live with.

[babylove2006]

Oh Gee! What planet is he from????? I have never heard of a GUY not liking oral. I don't blame you. I would be upset too.

[JJety]

He doesn't like blow jobs??  Halleluiah!!  I wish my DH hated it.

[RockRose]

Honestly,  I can't say  I blame him.  I'll do that occasionally,  but it's hard to fake not being disgusted.    I think most women do it out of love,  but there's an element of yuck.  



Does your husband seem fastidious about other things too - like used q-tips on the counter,  or clipped toenails on the rug?  



I gotta ask,  did you not know this about him before you got married?



Best wishes -

[jessicas]

hi all,

yes i know i ask the same thing each day wat planet is he from!! and no i didnt no this about him before i got married to him. it never came up cauz we dated only for a few mnths and got married rite then.

as for him being anal about other things like qtips n all . well hes a clean guy but no he doesnt have a phobic attitude about cleaning.

wat should i do!!!! i havent had anyone go down in me in 3 yrs now and i really wana pleasure him and i feel if he thinks its sick disgusting well its part of my body , i dont feel that way about him. and btw this part of my body is where his kids will come out of so its that dirty too?!

[BABYGIRL2006]

oral sex is nasty to some people thats not something you can dive into  some guy dont like to go down on females  you half to keep talking about it  and buy some whip cream or chocolate   he will do it eventually do he have any guy friends he can discuss that with

[jessicas]

he has alot of friends but hes a very private kinda guy like he wont discuss sex with his wife with anyone. hes not a vocal guy at all. hes too reserve even with me forget others

[jessicas]

thanks alot doc. i am totally ready to go to a sex therapist or both of us go together or that he goes on his own anything. but he wont i have tried many times to tell him to do so and i will try again . but he mocks psychologists and therapists and all such people cauz he thinks no ones a genius to come into our house and disect our lives and tell us wat to do. he thinks there is nothing wrong with wat he believes and how he is . he says hes a classy , decent man and thats all and he will not go to meet anyone to convince him to do **** like spice up his life , and heat it up and become a freaking porn star in his house.

so the thing is,the rest of my marriage is liek all marriages some things great and some not that great but definitely not a marriage that i would just call off. but im not sexually satisfied and i cannot call it quits only for this reason cauz my mind is also conditioned now that hes right im a ***** for wanting this and im not classy enough in bed and so  am i gona end a good marriage jus cauz of oral sex. but i cant help how i feel and wat i want ,the truth is i WANT it.its teh most important part of sex for me and it is my ultimate foreplay! im young ,im beautiful and i can and i do satisfy my man in bed then y not the same for me . i dont think i can ever make peace with this all i can do is get eaten up about it in my heart but not take such a drastic action as to end my marriage i dont have that much courage. its just sad that he wouldnt do this for my sake , to pleasure me , to make me happy.im just stuck!

[Mary 53]

Hey Jessica,



Your posts are touching me deeply. I can hear the pain in your words. Don't let anyone tell you that this is not important...and, please please please don't let HIM tell you, or imply, or make you think in any way that you are a ***** (I am assuming that this word begins with a "B"?) for being human and wanting to have a civil discussion with your spouse about an improtant matter that is tearing you up inside.



People will disagree with me possibly and say, "well, that is not all there is..." and, of course that is true. But, sex is or should be a part of a marital relationship. I suppose there are many relationships where sex is not high on the agenda and, my feeling on this is that as long as BOTH the man and the woman agree that sex is not all that important in their lives, well, okay, but if one half of the couple is having a problem regarding the sexual aspect of the relationship, well, then, it is a HUGE problem and should be dealt with. Whether you ever have oral sex as a couple again or not, the communication piece seems to be in trouble and I am wondering if that is the real probem, or core of the matter, ...Does that make sense?



I have a very dear friend...a very very smart, intellegent, beautiful friend who is now in her 60's. She left her marriage years ago because of the sexual issue. There were many problems. They did not share this info with too many, or with the family, and I know there were some other problems, but the sexual issue was huge.



She remarried and has been happily married for over 25 years.

Now the spouse is ill and has been ill for some time. The woman is by his side constantly...the choice was not either one's to make to end the sexual aspect of the relationship...illness dictated this...but that carries so much LESS REJECTION....this was a card that "life" dealt them. But, in your case, and this just occured to me...are you feeling rejected...I mean, why are your ideas less than his...less important? They are just as important and could at least be listened to, right?



My husband and I went to a sex therapist a few years ago. I am still shocked that my spouse went with me....I did give a bit of an ultimatum, I will confess, but after years of sadness on my part over the low level of any physical contact and a physical issue on his part that needed to be dealt with, well, the sex therapist was very helpful. It was probably most helpful when I saw him individually (my husband met with him separately once too) and he explained much to me...things that I was taking as rejection were more about my husband feeling frustrated over the whole situation and not sure how to talk about it. Things are still not great and I go through periods of grieving over this. And, it's funny because I recall you mentioned you were young....and, I am certainly much older, but I still feel very young and not ready at age 53 to call it quits in the sexual activity department. But I have invested almost 30 years into this relationship...so I keep plugging away...and, the problems started later in the relationship than they have in yours...although there were some early signs.



I hope you can get into some counseling for yourself whether or not your husband goes to see someone with you. Just for your own needs...to talk things over with someone other than a family member (or someone on a medical board :)



Well, I have been posting for over a year and a half on another forum on this site and I have never shared this story with anyone, but I felt a need to reach out to you. I hope you get some answers...and, are able to either resolve the sexual issue or make other decisions that will assure that you keep your self-esteem, dignity, and whole self intact.



Take care,



Mary

[jessicas]

mary thank u... thank u so much. i .... i know some people must be like wats wrong with her but i have tears in my eyes rite now, now that i read ure msg.y? cauz for the first time ive opened up to anyone . im the kinda person who would always show her family , frenz everyone how perfect her husband , her house , her life is so that i dont let anyone pity me or think badly of my husband . and im just tired of this.. im very tired now and this forum gave me that comfort of anonymity. thank u so much mary ure msg has helped i don know how but it has. ure so rite it is about communication. it is that i have to beg and cry and fight to get reasons as to why i am being rejected , y my wants r wrong , y im being told im like a prostitute and y im being made to believe im askin for too much. i dont get answers i get an order of wat i can n cannot do in bed, in my life , wat i desire wat i cant  and there ;thats the decision and its made.

i will go for counselling. i am such a happy , chirpy , full of life , full of sexuality kinda person i don wana let that go when im just 25.

[Mary 53]

OH Jessica,





Thank you for the response...Yes, we seem to understand each other..



I am typing in the morning darkness...



Off to get ready for work, but I will post tonight. Again, your post has touched me. So glad that this has helped a little.



Take care, Mary

[BearHitch]

I agree with Mary53.  While sex is not everything, it is a huge part of a marriage because you are agreeing to only have sex with that one other person for the rest of your lives.  I wouldn't just let this issue go, though I am not sure how to go about solving it if he won't go to counseling- but I wanted to encourage you to not just blow it off as not important or whatever, because it is.  Good luck to you!

[jessicas]

mary looking forward to hearing from u

and hirth thank u for ure support i appreciate it

[jessicas]

sorry the thanks was for bearhitch