I like my new boyfriend. Why can't I stop thinking about my hurtful ex???

[slow_healer]

I feel really stupid admitting this. I’ve come out of a 1.5 year relationship that was genuinely happy. The end started when his parents told him they didn’t like me (I think the differences were mainly cultural; they're from another country). This problem festered in our relationship, and got much worse when I did not attend a family wedding (it was very painful to know I would be so tolerated).



I thought we would talk after he got back from the wedding, but for a few weeks he did not return my emails or calls. Finally I heard (through other people) that he had been seeing somebody else for the past month. We spent a month having dramatic arguments through phone and email. He avoided confronting me and finally told me he wanted me out of his life. At times it seemed like he was switching personalities – crying to me that I was his only real friend, then telling me I was the biggest mistake of his life.



It's been six months. After a LOT of grieving, I’ve recently met someone new. We click well, and he is sensitive about my breakup. As for the ex, I know he's moved on (with the girl he used to cheat). One of the last things he told me was that I’m less than a dog to him, and so now NEVER acknowledges me. We don't talk at all, and rarely see each other. I know he has selfishly caused me a LOT of pain. Yet the odd time I do see him it still HURTS and overwhelms me.



I am starting to hate myself for being so pathetic. I am scared that I will ruin my new relationship because I am not completely over my ex. Why does my ex still mean so much to me? What is holding me back?

[Pepper Schwartz, Ph.D.]

   Lets face it - it is hard to be rejected. More than that, it is hard when someone is so mean to us, when someone who we thought admired and loved us, now trashes our very existance. That's a blow. Even if it was someone you had lost respect for, it is still painful to have anyone feel that way about us, much less someone we loved.

  So I think you are being too hard on yourself. It takes a long time to get over someone , especially when it has been so brutalizing to your ego. I don't think it would be a bad idea to go talk to a life coach or counselor and take some time to grieve out loud for the things he said to you and the rotten way he ended the relationship. I think if you spend enough time talking to a professional about it, that you will come to see this is an angry, disturbed and selfish human being. It is one thing to break up with someone-it is another to try and humble and humiliate and hurt them. That's the kind of person he is because that is how he acted. Once you talk about it you will realize that you are well out of that relationship. I don't care if you acted badly too- no one should speak to anyone like that--or leave a relationship without discussing it and dealing with it forthrightly.

   So you can move onward- just give a little time to the pain that you did suffer. Do it away from your new boyfriend so he doesn't have to hear all your feelings. He is the future- this guy is the past. You just have to do some emotional work on this ugly experience so you can truly appreciate your new man's great qualities and potential in your life.

[ryn21]

Although breakups are hard, especially bad breakups, you really need to get over this situation you were in.  You need to stop dwelling on your past relationship with this person who obviously didnt deserve you in the first place.  There is nothing worse than mind games, and your ex was obviously one who liked to play them.  If you continue to allow past experiences to get in the way of your future relationships, you will be a lonely woman down the road. I have been in past relationships that would have turned out great if the woman would have let go of her past.  You need to forget about this ex that has hurt you.  You need to open up your heart to this new person, while while not completely letting your guard down (you have to let your partner in, but dont allow history to repeat itself).  You also need to realize that not every male is the same.  Im a male, I think Im a pretty good guy.  I treat my girlfriend like gold;  I could never treat ANY woman any other way.  You need to realize that there are good guys in the world.  You will find one if you open up your heart and forget about the past.  Things happen for a reason.  You learn from your past, you grow from it.  Good luck to you in your future relationships. :)

[slow_healer]

Thank you so much for reaffirming for me that he was playing mind games. Sometimes it is so hard to believe that the people we love can hurt us so much and intentionally. He made me doubt everything about myself. Every little thing I said wrong was repeatedly thrown in my face, and anything I did right was forgotten (e.g. I sent his parents flowers, and talked to his dad on the phone about wanting to work through our differences). I was told that I was a bitter, vendictive person who would never change when I declined his offer to remain friends (for god's sakes, didn't I have any right to be angry about any of this?).



Ok, ok, so I'm ranting now. But all along my gut has been telling me it's his own self-hatred he projected onto me. Reading some of these posts, it surprised me how often a cheating partner tries to make their faithful partner feel just as immoral or irresponsible as they had acted.



It's taken time, but I'm not afraid of letting the new person in. I'm frustrated and scared that my ex will one day reach out and hurt me again. I don't know if he knows that I'm seeing someone new, but a few weeks into the relationship I got a letter from him talking about how he saw our breakup in a whole new light now. But there was no apology. I wanted to believe that he was genuinely sorry, but in the back of my mind I questioned the timing of the letter - was he trying to sabatoge my new relationship? I wrote a brief letter back, telling him that I did not want to hear from him anymore. And I haven't since. I am tired of feeling so threatened by this person - that's why he still means so much, because I'm afraid he can and may still hurt me.



Thanks so much for your comments ryn21.

[ryn21]

His family is going to take his side no matter what.  He probably says things to them about you to make them not like you. Its crucial that you keep him out of your life.  He wont "reach out" and hurt you again if you dont let him.  Going by what you say and by my own personal experiences, it seems that you, given the opportunity, you would get back with this guy (ex) (regardless of what has happened in the past).  You need to keep him out of your life.  He's not worth your time. He may say he will change, but he probably wont (remember that).  Keep the new guy around and move away from this past experience.  Good luck in your current relationship.

[slow_healer]

Hey, I'm feeling much better now. After cooling off for a couple of days, I realize it was because when we crossed paths not too long ago, I got to overhear him say "I love you so much" on the phone to his new gf. That's what sent me spinning into old memories and feelings of this "great man" that I lost.



If I would have heard that five months ago, I would have cried for a day. Two months ago and I might have cried for a week. Couple days ago? So I was upset for a couple days. Doesn't mean I'm not progressing.



As much as it hurts to read you suggesting I'd get back together with him, point - is it true? Maybe I'm still vulnerable for a while. But obviously what I've been doing so far is working (avoiding him and reminders of him). Soon enough I'll see him and not react to anything, and I'll only be able to regret the time I wasted in slowly letting go.

[slow_healer]

Whoops, that should read "If I would have heard that five months ago, I would have cried for a week. Two months ago and I might have cried for a day." Rather anti-progressive otherwise...