Relationship Problem Confused feelings

[oipolloi]

Until recently I have had an interesting situation with a woman that currently has a boyfriend.  To get down to the point, the two of us have a lot of strong feelings.  We rarely get the chance to visit since she currently has a boyfriend.  She feels guilty for having feelings for me, while her two year relationship with this other man has apparently died out.  They were supposed to have been engaged last Christmas (one year ago) and that never happened.



She doesn’t seem like she is very happy with this man.  All I ever hear about him are the stupid things he does.  Little things like; not paying attention to her, plays video games all day, doesn’t help with bills, rarely any sexual contact (once a week at minimum), he doesn’t clean up after him self and the list can go on but I’m sure the point is complete.



I’ve done my best to stay out of that ordeal with the two of them.  Instead I just let her know I’m there for her and I do my best to not push her.  Pretty much I just pretend he doesn’t exist.  I was doing a great job up till now, well at least I thought I was.



Just the other day she told me she feels too guilty to continue on like this.  She would like to stay friends (we’ve all heard this line before).  At first yes that hurt a lot.  She feels bad about the decision and I respect the choice she made (if that’s really what she wanted).  I let her know I respect that and I’d be honored to keep her as a friend and that I’d hate to lose her, since she put so much life back into my life.



Now for my problem..



Second post to continue>>>

[Pepper Schwartz, Ph.D.]

dont know where the second post is-- just on the first one-
  I think she was disclosing to you as a friend- and friends always gripe about their partners-- but that doesn't mean they don't love them. It is clear she did love this guy even if she trashed him and as it became clear that her relationship with you was changing in nature, she didn't want to endanger her main relationship. Obviously she has some feelings towards you- which makes it all the more dangerous. Just calling it a 'friendship' doesn't make it just a friendship- and thats why she has to remove herself- at least for a time. It is a reasonable thing for her to do-even if it hurts. You would want any girlfriend of yours to do the same thing!

[oipolloi]

Now for my problem..



I don’t have a problem being her friend that’s the truth.  But seeing this as being a positive gives me hope that I still have a chance.  I’m not very good at giving up, maybe that’s a bad thing I really don’t know.  She must still have feelings for me as I still have feelings for her.  I just need some sort of advice that can put me in the right direction.



The way I look at it is “If your not happy with someone why be with them?”.  That isn’t something I can just go say to her, I’m not the person to do that.  But is it true?  I’ve always felt the key to life is happiness, and if your not happy you need to make a change.  Am I missing something here?  I don’t know what to do…

[RockRose]

oipolli - she feels too guilty to continue on like what?  It sounds like you were staying out of it,  and just listening to her complain all the time.  Now,  she wants to change the relationship and just be friends?  I thought you were just friends?

[oipolloi]

She feels guilty that she has feelings for me while she is with her current boyfriend.   It wasn’t so much that I was staying out of it, more like I was trying to not push her to make a decision (pushing someone is never a good thing).   Pardon me for making it seem like she was always complaining, I could type a 50 page novel with more detail but I think I’ll save everyone here the time (haha).



You can call it “just friends” at the start.  But when you have feelings you want to be with someone, what do you call that title?  A “secondary boy friend” to her?  Call it what you want.  Currently yes she just wants to be friends due to feeling guilty for having feelings for me while having a boy friend she is not happy with.



If I’m missing your question please let me know and I’ll try to reword what I said.

[poco1023]

I think your doing a great thing by staying out of it, but also being there for her so she has someone to talk to.  It must be really difficult for you to just sit back and not be able to express your feelings for her, but she needs to figure this out for herself and what's right for her.  The only thing now is how long are you willing to wait.  It's really not fair to you to hang around, but you need to do whats comfortable for you. I hope all works out well for you.

[oipolloi]

Thanks,  I just really wish I could be her friend without the feelings.  Its not comftorable like it used to be.

[RockRose]

Well,  all's fair in love and war.  No one is married here,  so I'm not sure how much guilt anyone needs to bear for dating and realizing it isn't working/thinking about dating someone else instead.  That's just the realities of trying to find a partner.



Best wishes.  I hope it works out well for you.

[sparkeler]

I would start dating other people.  (I doubt she will like that very much.)But honestly, don't sit around & wait for this girl.  She wants to play the friend role with you so play it.  Go find someone who wants to date you.  You sound like a man who needs a woman that knows what she wants.

[simbacatz]

If she really wanted to leave her bf, she would have done that already. It's not like she is married,or has kids with him, so it should not be hard for her to leave him. So my point is,she does care for him,and wants to be with him.Remember that all relationships are not perfect. Maybe she just tells you the bad stuff and not the good stuff about him. I think you should date someone. Good luck!

[oipolloi]

Yea I was under the impression I should date other people.  My only problem being I’m a introverted person sadly.  So when I have a chance like this its very hard to let go.  If that makes any sense.

[slow_healer]

You can't change the way anyone else feels. Sometimes all you can do is make that change within yourself. If you're an introverted person, think of safe comfortable ways to meet other people, e.g. online dating or something.



I think once you find other people (not neccessarily a new girlfriend right away) you'll find yourself moving forward because *your* needs are being met (plus be patient with yourself). It doesn't mean that you don't have a good friendship with this woman. However, as it was pointed out, there isn't much tying her to her current partner, so while she may have some feelings for you, she obviously doesn't return the depth of yours.