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Sexuality & Relationships (Expert Forum)
How to improve sex with my husband
Answered by
Pepper Schwartz, Ph.D. - Sexuality, family, Sexual Identity
This forum is for questions and support regarding relationship issues such as: Abstinence, Arousal Problems, Birth Control, Cohabitation, Commitment, Communication, Couples Counseling, Desire /Lack of Desire, Sexual Technique.
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How to improve sex with my husband
by dixiegrl, Jan 11, 2007 12:00AM
Sex with my very "vanilla" husband has become boring and frustrating. While he agrees that we need to engage in more foreplay, when we're in the bedroom, he wants to rush right into intercourse. Then to top it off, he lasts about 1 minute. Then he quickly loses interest in helping me enjoy a real orgasm. He always apologizes for "losing his head," but his apologies ring hollow. He doesn't seem to be sincerely looking for ways to change in the bedroom.
I've told him a number of times that I would like him to caress me all over my body, not just head directly to my private parts. I've told him about the "Ladies First" principle. I've asked him many times to spank me. I've suggested that role playing would be fun. When we're having a discussion, he seems to understand and agree that "we need more practice", but when we're in bed, it's back to his old habits.
I make an effort to wear sexy lingerie and massage him and pleasure him with hand jobs and lots of oral sex. He claims he has no complaints about our sex life. He repeatedly tells our sex life is the best he's ever had. I wish I could say the same, but I can't. I am sick and tired of our lackluster, boring sex life and I feel powerless in trying to change it.
At this point I'm feeling frustrated and a little angry. Talk is cheap. How can I get my message across to him effectively, without making him feel like he's a lousy lover. I feel as if I'm always going the extra mile and still getting the short end of the stick.
He and I married 2 years ago. We are both 58 and have been seeing each other for 5 years.
I've told him a number of times that I would like him to caress me all over my body, not just head directly to my private parts. I've told him about the "Ladies First" principle. I've asked him many times to spank me. I've suggested that role playing would be fun. When we're having a discussion, he seems to understand and agree that "we need more practice", but when we're in bed, it's back to his old habits.
I make an effort to wear sexy lingerie and massage him and pleasure him with hand jobs and lots of oral sex. He claims he has no complaints about our sex life. He repeatedly tells our sex life is the best he's ever had. I wish I could say the same, but I can't. I am sick and tired of our lackluster, boring sex life and I feel powerless in trying to change it.
At this point I'm feeling frustrated and a little angry. Talk is cheap. How can I get my message across to him effectively, without making him feel like he's a lousy lover. I feel as if I'm always going the extra mile and still getting the short end of the stick.
He and I married 2 years ago. We are both 58 and have been seeing each other for 5 years.
Doctor's Answer
by Pepper Schwartz, Ph.D., Mar 01, 2007 12:00AM
, Mar 01, 2007 12:00AM
he likes his old habits and I am afraid he is not going to change without some serious disruption of the way the two of you relate. He is in his comfort zone.
You have made yourself perfectly clear-- but he is either threatened or unexcited by the ideas you have proposed ( like spanking or long foreplay)
If you want him to comply you have to stop the action and say , no , I really need longer foreplay and I dont want intercourse yet. Or no, I don't want to have sex unless you can promise me a lot of caressing. Or lets play our parts before I take off any clothes. etc. In otherwords, refuse to go further without some changes.
If he won't play at all when you insist on this, then something more serious is going on- because new husbands and wives should really want to please each other more than he is trying to please you. At the point at which he prefers not to have sex rather than try some sexual play on your terms ,I would suggest a therapist . The two of you need to get some honest communication- someone has to get him to say why he refuses to try anything new- even something as simple as stroking and fondling you for a longer time.
Try drawing a line and sticking to it. Say you want a lot of foreplay. Bring a book and read it together that has some hot possibilities in it- and say you have planned one for tonight- and have the whole thing set up. See if he will play under those conditions or if he absolutely refuses to do anything. Again, if he does- its time to bring a third party, a coach or counsellor in, to see what is really going on. Hopefully, though with enough serious stops to any sexuality if some changes aren't instituted-- he will get the point of how important it is to you- and modify your sex life significantly!
You have made yourself perfectly clear-- but he is either threatened or unexcited by the ideas you have proposed ( like spanking or long foreplay)
If you want him to comply you have to stop the action and say , no , I really need longer foreplay and I dont want intercourse yet. Or no, I don't want to have sex unless you can promise me a lot of caressing. Or lets play our parts before I take off any clothes. etc. In otherwords, refuse to go further without some changes.
If he won't play at all when you insist on this, then something more serious is going on- because new husbands and wives should really want to please each other more than he is trying to please you. At the point at which he prefers not to have sex rather than try some sexual play on your terms ,I would suggest a therapist . The two of you need to get some honest communication- someone has to get him to say why he refuses to try anything new- even something as simple as stroking and fondling you for a longer time.
Try drawing a line and sticking to it. Say you want a lot of foreplay. Bring a book and read it together that has some hot possibilities in it- and say you have planned one for tonight- and have the whole thing set up. See if he will play under those conditions or if he absolutely refuses to do anything. Again, if he does- its time to bring a third party, a coach or counsellor in, to see what is really going on. Hopefully, though with enough serious stops to any sexuality if some changes aren't instituted-- he will get the point of how important it is to you- and modify your sex life significantly!
Maybe you could get a vibrator and integrate that into foreplay? I'm kind of thinking at 58, your man doesn't really want to spank you.
Best wishes in figuring this out. It seems like there are many vibrators on the market that might be what you both need.
I think the real issue has little to do with sex and more to do with your choices in seeking a mate. Im not saying that to be mean, but it does read that way.
If you wanted a hot chili type in bed, why'd you pick someone who was vanilla?
His sex life is fine, he is satisfied so his incentive for change isn't very high. You picked a type of person who sexually you weren't satisfied with and now you are sick of your own charade it sounds like to me. Lots of women do this. I'd get into some therapy to find out why you picked him in the first place and see if you can figure that out. Maybe you both could get into counselling to work on this issue. Sounds like the relationship needs a big overhaul.
I'd stop being so generous in bed because it is making you resentful. I suspect you did a lot to make it this way, overly generous and giving in bed and in every way and you didn't ask for your needs to be met so he thinks that is how you like it and when you complain he isn't willing or able to put the energy into your needs he should. If you have clearly told him your wants and needs and he ignores them, for me that would make me not want to be sexual with him at all. He sounds selfish but you sound overly giving. A recipe for one person to be happy and the other to be unhappy. He has to become less selfish and you have to become less giving and try to find a happy medium, that is why I think counelling would help.
goodfortune & mihapiha, do you EVER recommend anything OTHER than drugs? STOP ADVERTISING MEDICATIONS for people you DON'T KNOW! People post here looking for SERIOUS advice. Telling them to turn to pills is NOT GOOD ADVICE. If you do NOT have sincere advice then do NOT post.