Big Dilema

[worriedmansick]

Dr.,

Doc Hunsfield said I should bring my question to you.  Please help.  Please see my question and his response below.

Dr,

I’m in quite a mess right now and the stress is eating me alive. I have been with my current girlfriend for almost a year now and we are madly in love, have talked about getting engaged soon. My problem is that I had genital warts before we started dating. I went on your advice and others with the 6 months without warts, the virus should have cleared and I was not obligated to tell her about my past infection. I went to the Dr. last week and he said I had a wart, it was tiny, naked to the eye. I feel like such a despicable person because I have probably passed this on to my gf. Now I don’t know what to do. Obviously I need to tell her about the wart so she can get herself checked out, but if I tell her I knew before she would disown me for good. This has led to some sleepless nights and much stress. I’m so scared because I love her so much and want to raise a family with her someday. I’m also very close with her family and I think they would disown me as well. I feel like this news could kill us. Please give me some advice on this topic, I would greatly appreciate it, what should I do? We have a long distance relationship and I want to tell her as soon as possible. Should I do it over the phone or in person?
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I can only help with medical facts; your main issue is a relationship problem, not my expertise. I will just say that you behaved responsibly to the best of your ability. If your partner cares about you, she should understand. How you inform her is entirely up to you. You might consider posting your question to Dr. Schwartz on the sexuality and relationships forum.

From a medical perspective, indeed your partner should be examined. But you don't know whether you have infected your partner, or will. Perhaps most important, remember that genital warts are by and large an inconvenience, not a serious health threat.

[Pepper Schwartz, Ph.D.]

  I will second Dr Hansfield's response.  You did the best you could with the information available to you at the time.  I would start that way.  Tell her you had  genital warts but were told that you were free from them when you started dating her.  Much to your horror, you found out in  a recent examination that you had been given bad advice and you were in fact still symptomatic- but in a way you couldn't know or see.
You love her very much and you needed her to know that you had unwittingly exposed her. You are beyond sorry, of course, but this is the situation.  She needs a check up to see if she has contracted them. It is of course, entirely possible, that she has not.

   Now here's the deal. Sure, it's not great to pass on an Sexually transmitted infection-- but it happens. You never declared yourself to be a virgin- or all knowing about what you carried. You thought that was past history and not necessary to share. You were wrong- but not out of any malicious or unloving intent.

  She has to accept that. Look- I really believe that if she loves you enough- if she is made of the ability to love deeply- she will be unhappy about this- but not drop you. In fact, if she does have it, she will now be in exactly the same situation you were- but with better information. Does this make her a bad person or an unworthy partner? Of course not.  She needs to know what's important in life- and what is important is having someone she loves and who loves her very much in return.

   So, it's a big test- and one, I grant you, you would rather not have had. But if this news will kill you- she is not the right person for you. Marriage requires a big heart and forgiveness and being able to deal with unhappy periods and personal failings. If she doesn't want you now- I think you are lucky to get out early. I know you don't feel that way- but trust me- love has to be very deep, very solid , to survive a lifetime of challenges. This is a challenge but many women and men would just accept the bad news and still be tight and secure in their love. This is her challenge and I hope for your sake- and for her own- that she passes it. It's not wonderful- but it's not the end of the world either.

   And by the way, if she can't keep this to herself and not share it with her family- she has a way to go before she is mature and ready to have a partner for life.

   Good luck!!

[barn babe]

"And by the way, if she can't keep this to herself and not share it with her family- she has a way to go before she is mature and ready to have a partner for life"

I second what the doctor has said above. Be honest about what you knew and when you knew it, and the chips will fall where they may.  The above comment will also speak to her ability to have a relationship in which she values you (her partner) and respects your privacy.  

Relationships break up for all kinds of reasons.  This may be your downfall, but it may not be. All you can do is be honest and give your partner the ability to respond. That's why honesty is so important in relationships.

Her family should be out of the loop as far as her decision-making. If it's not, I wonder how she would also stand alone as a mature and loving partner.

[x heather2007 x]

if your girlfriend loves you as much as you say you love eachother she should understand that you didnt know she was at risk or would have taken precautions and informed her. me and my boyfriend went through nearly the same thing with chlamydia and were moving in with eachother in 4 weeks! if your strong as a couple youll work through things together. good luck! x

[missg]

Genital warts are easily managed. You should tell her as she may need to get them periodically burnt off if she develops them. Always have yours removed and be aware of your genitals, so you wont pass them to her.It would be selfish and irresponsible to withhold this information. She will understand if she loves you. It is not as bad as herpes.