My life does not like sex....why?

[tohealth]

My wife is from Beijing.  She is 39, and lived through the cultural revolution in Beijing.

During that period, many were taught that sex is "dirty", and not good for "ying, and yang."

She has NEVER liked sex in her lifetime, but she disagrees.(Like of course, is subjective.)  She complains that before, and after sex, tired.  

Before we were married in 2000 she promised she would "change" after we married.  We married. In four years she, and I had sex FOUR times.

Finally, she is "wondering" if she is "sexually dysfuncuntional, but will not see a therapist about this.  Maybe she is "bi".  She told me that when she was a teenager she was "attracted to a women teacher".  She did not expand.

I am tired.  I am a father of a 5 year old (we are considering having another baby - this is the only time that she will have regular sex), and I am not obessed with sex.  However, my wife is not "normal".  I have heard dozen's of excuses from her as to why she does not want or "feel" like sex.  Some couples make "excuses" to have sex.  She does the APPOSITE.

Perhaps the "thought" of sex make her mentally tired.

I am don't know what to do...except her without sex, or try to increase her desire.

I don't want to have an affair...I have had MANY opportunities.

V
Canada

[Pepper Schwartz, Ph.D.]

I am very sympathetic. It is a terrible cost that she puts on the relationship and she has to face up to it.  It is not fair to deny a partner sexual conteact, passion and physical connection--and also expect fidelity and happiness. Sexuality is too major a part of who we are and how we wish to connect to someone we love, to consider it optional.

So you have to get tough. Tell her you are sympathetic but you will no longer live like this. Arrange a meeting with a sexual therapist ( you can call the American Association of Sex Educators, Counsellors and Therapists ( AASECT) or look them up on the internet to find a qualified therapist in  your city. You can also find psychologists who also have a speciality in sexual issues. She will need to explore some of her blocks to sexual satisfaction and interest ( she can do this in private therapy if she wishes ) and also how to put back your sexual interaction with one another. If she refuses to go to therapy on this issue , GO YOURSELF.  You will need someone to talk to you about your own needs and emotions no matter what she does.

If she will not get some help and /or go to counseling with you- youhave only three choices-- abstinence ( which I think is unacceptable) , affairs ( which is psychologically difficult and goes against most people's values) or a separation and , eventually a divorce.  Iknow that you have a five year old child and you may love your wife in other ways and not want to break up your relationship. That is of course, the first and most honorable thought. Still, I think it is against nature and love to deny onesself sexuality in the way your wife has denied it to you-- and if she will not work with you to repair her own sexual issues and create a healthy sexual life in your marriage-- what can you do but become sexless-- or leave?

  She needs to know how serious this is and that she cannot intimidate you or withdraw on this issue. Tell he  that you want her to change or you may leave the relationship. Sometimes it is only being very clear about what this is doing to you and what you will do about it that will make someone face their problems and attend to them.   This has been going on way too long-- and you need to deal with it and be strong and consistent in your demands that she seek help, you seek help as a couple, and that you will be loving and supportive as long as she tries to help change the situation but that you cannot promise to stay if she will not work on this problem with you.

[Nikkihaskins]

Wow that must really suck.  Good luck with that.

[Rakesh Rawat]

I believe what Dr. Said is very true in its entirity. In case you try your level best and still your wife denies to visit a consultant, give it one more try in a different way. The other way is, ask the consultant to fake as your friend and make few visits to your home to get friendly with your family. Then slowly slwoly ask him to reveal his profession to your wife. This way your wife may get quite comfortable sharing her feelings and may be, she may impliment his suggestions or therapy.
Good Luck.

[barn babe]

Discuss with her the possibility of your going outside the marriage for sex.  I'm not talking about going "behind her back" and having affairs. I'm talking about discussion of the possibility of you having a lover and continuing to be married to her. Of course, this is something you would have to be comfortable with as well.  

If she is not interested in a sexual relationship with you, why would she deny you this with another person? You would be getting your needs met, she would be getting her needs met, so to speak, in the sense that she wouldn't have to engage in sex if she doesn't like it, and you could keep your family intact.  

This is just one possibility. The doctor mentioned three possibilities, but I see this as yet another one.  Many would consider it radical, unacceptable, or simply bizarre. But it is one possibility that hasn't been mentioned.  If divorce is not an option, for whatever reason - financial, emotional, family values, or whatever - this alternative could be a possibility. No one person can satisfy all of our needs - nobody. I love the opera, but my current partner hates the opera. So I either attend the opera alone, or I go with another companion who also loves the opera as much as me. Everybody is happy.  Sexuality doesn't have to be "different" in this  sense.  A "Western" relationship is defined by the exclusive use of another person's genitals, but you can think outside this box if need be. Sexuality is one part of a relationship, just like entertainment (the opera) is one part.  

Good luck with your situation. I recommend counseling no matter what the two of you decide to do.  

[monkeyflower]

Man. You just kick ***. Great post, as usual.

I still laugh every time I think of "chocolate christ on a stick"...

[barn babe]

"I still laugh every time I think of "chocolate christ on a stick"

Jayzus, I can't believe I said that on these forums....don't remind me. :)

Thanks for the kind words. Every time I come to these forums, I expect to be unable to log in. Haven't been flamed or kicked off yet, though.

[onroute]

I have had similiar problems and there has to be honesty.  Share your feelings about this with her and let there be listening.  In other words, when you talk...she repeats what you said.  And when she talks, you repeat what she said.  That is real listening.. and then of course the other responds and the same thing happens with the listening.  Another thing is that when she talks about "whatever", believe  her....not what you  hink about it but believe what  her heart is really saying.  And the same when you talk.  We have to believe each other even though we dont agree with that person.  I am learning t his in counselling myself and it is very important to begin to understand the other person to get any headway.  If you love her give her time and talk about t hese things and definitely you go to counselling for yourself as you have the problem.  She might seem fine with the relaitonship the way it is but you arent.  I had  this problem for 30 yrs where my mate would not go to councelling and I was having problem with our marriage.  I finally started to go to councelling for myself cause I do not believe in divorce.  If I made a vow, I vowed to keep that vow....better or worse, sickness or health.  Communications are the key to a good realtionship.  I am just learning this now.  Work it out...dont be a statistic and think of your child.  

I have a friend that went through a divorce and the child has suffered the m ost and I can see rebellion and drugs on the horizon cause he didnt have "adult" parents to show him how to life so  he says "why should I listen to them" "they dont know how to life t hemselves in their own lives" and so there is one m ore child on the drug scene cause the child lost the respect ofo the parent.

Work this out please.....any othe way is way more painful in the long run but you wont know the pain until you walk that road and then it is too late.  Dont avoid the pain in a marriage...it is inevitable in any marriage.  But it is worth the fight for it.  I have done it and I am so glad I did and so are my four children and I am experiencing six wonderful grandchildren and a happy marriage.  But it was hard work.

[hellohellohello]

What about the poor wife who thinks she's sexually dysfunctional and has been raised to think sex is wrong, dirty etc!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I hardly think she'd be feeling really fabulous about the situation, going to bed at night knowing he wants to have sex but she just can't for whatever reason ( a reason that no one on this forum or the husband understands), she's likely guilt ridden for denying her husband too.  She needs help not someone "to get tough" with her and lay down the law.  Talk to her, understand her, ask questions gently, she should know you love her and want to work through it with her.  Then get to a counsellor, you, her or both.  Love is about understanding and supporting, she's needs understanding and support.

[Yaroo]

Dear Friend try to increase her desire better then affairs.. I think she mit have some one else.. Im not trying to make u voilently crazy about this but it mit happen in lifetime.. However Help to increase her desires with different sexual pleasures use different styles everytime.. The best thing is to make her feel u r going out wid her for first time.. IT is a hard matter and very sickky.. Good Luck wid ur life..